Some days I wake up and I have a lot on my mind- I wonder about what happened during my sleep. I can’t remember my dreams usually but I feel like my body remembers. So then my mental activity is quite … high. And today was one of those days. I woke up and felt immediately like I had some decisions to make. There are no decisions to make lol. None. I am on the beach visiting friends. So what decision is there to make besides what I want to eat for breakfast?

Wow. I’m using this new editor and it’s really different. I’m not used to it that’s for sure. But I have to get this all out of me. Another way I notice excess energy in me is when I meditate. When I do, I usually sit in a specific mudra – a position of my hands – and have my left thumb over my right. On busy mind days my right thumb presses into my left thumb. Like it’s trying to be active. And it is. If I catch it and notice my thoughts in that moment usually they are problem solving thoughts.

One thing I’ve noticed and experienced in my life is that problem solving thoughts are a problem. Lol they are theeee problem. And the way to resolve it usually comes from sitting in meditation or yoga or movement or nature. The way I’ve tried to solve it in the past (and also the default setting of my brain) is to create more problem solving thoughts to solve the problems perceived and the problems created by the problem solving thoughts. So today I am writing because writing about these things also has helped in the past and has kind of always helped.

Before there was mediation and yoga and everything else I incorporate into my wellness journey and my journey of self discovery, there was writing. And that is something that has always been true to me.

Self sabotage is a sneaky business. I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned but I am also realizing that there is a full spectrum of self sabotaging behaviors and tools that are at play in layers in my life. I’ve spent some time grappling with the shallow layers and now they are getting deeper.

I am on a break this week. I deserve that. I wake up with a busy mind because I feel maybe I don’t deserve it. <<Exhibit A

I am building something to serve my community through my passion for self acceptance and self discovery and my experience with meditation. A couple of times I had myself convinced that I needed to just give up on it and find a job. << Exhibit B

I do want a job. I want to do work that fulfills me. Your business is your ministry. This is what Marianne Williamson says in the Law of Divine Compensation. So I am invested in the process of journeying towards my ministry. Doing things through love is how it is revealed to you.

Self sabotage is not love. It is fear disguised by egoic desire to protect me because it loves me. Waking up with a million thoughts today and feeling like I need to entertain them and thennnnn I can enjoy my day… that is not love. That is fear. That is self sabotage.

Writing about these thoughts and experience instead of letting them take over my day. That is love. Self love. Guided by faith. Thank you. Thank you for bringing me here.

Talk soon,

B-