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To my beloved Grandfather
My knees were hurting me for weeks… Now that you are gone all I can think about is how you used to say, “I got old legs…” I don’t really drink anymore, but recently we went to the liquor store and they put all the bottles into paper bags. It makes me think of your…
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Legacy
This feels like… something I want to keep a running list of. Questions for building and remembering and documenting Legacy. Question: What are yours? I’d love to know. It is my desire and intention to return to this and continue adding to it. And one day to be able to ask and record answers to…
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Missing my guardian angel
Gosh. Goodness. Goodness gracious ouch. I didn’t know what it would really be like to miss you. Not like I do now. I remember things. I remember things. I remember things and I am so glad I remember things. I remember you told me… “if you fall on your ass we’ll be there.” I remember…
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Inside,
Inside, I am raging. Inside, I am hurting. Inside, I am crying. Inside, I am devastated. Inside, I am heartbroken. Inside, I am in despair. Inside, I am confused. Inside, I am raging. Inside, I really am raging. Enraged. What do I do with you? My rage. My confusion. My desperation. My heartbreak. My devastation.…
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Triggers
When your name comes up, I feel triggered. Text message, phone call, photo, doesn’t matter. I feel a flash of heat and a wave of anxiety or anger through my body. My mind starts racing with thoughts. Nothing can be done just yet. I am afraid to feel all of this but it is time.…
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Uncertainty
It is okay for me to love you and be unsure of what to do with that love. It is okay to not act upon my uncertainty so I can support myself to stay with what is being brought up by it. It is okay to love you and not do anything about it. Except…
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What I didn’t hear
My ears are bothering me. There is a conflict within my body. It feels like a healing. The symptoms are showing up because I am healing now. Healing from what I didn’t hear. Healing from what I did not hear. And healing from not having the chance to be heard. It really hurts. To not…
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A mirror is a reflection
A mirror is a reflection. This is something I have on my mind and heart today. I have been raging inside about people’s actions or lack of actions throughout my life. My body is bringing this up and through me, without my choice and so now I have to attend to it. My line of…
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In the end
I just feel so tired today. Yesterday I felt energized. Monday night I got some feelings out. I don’t want to isolate myself. I don’t want to be isolated from those who love me. The love feels so incomplete though. I wonder if I am letting myself receive it? The mind chatter goes on and…
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Bodily rebellion
This morning I woke up with a headache. Tonight I am attending an online grief support group. I have been feeling anxiety these last few days. Tonight I am attending an online grief support group. I have been working more than usual this month. Tonight I am attending an online grief support group. Coincidences? Maybe.…
