A mirror is a reflection. This is something I have on my mind and heart today. I have been raging inside about people’s actions or lack of actions throughout my life. My body is bringing this up and through me, without my choice and so now I have to attend to it.

My line of inquiry is acutely focused on what my relationships are mirroring back to me. What reflection of myself is coming to me through my relationships?

Many of my relationships feel absent. No action on either end. No contact in this reality. So what is that reflecting back to me about me?

I don’t know if I have an answer yet. But I am really sinking into this inquiry. I have realized that no one is judging me harder than I judge myself.

There is a lot of suffering in that. And a lot of anger because I have this knowing that I wasn’t born like that. In some ways, I wonder if I was born with it? Did I inherit a deep sense of unworthiness?

What did I learn along the way as it relates to my own self-worth? What examples were set for me about that? Especially as a woman in this world…?

So there is a lot of anger and sadness and bitterness and disappointment inside. At this age in my life I feel like I am pushing a 32 year old boulder uphill in the ice and snow barefoot and naked. Shameful, upset, disgraced, cold, lonely, disappointed, exhausted, losing grip, lacking strength.

But if I let go of this boulder, it will roll me over. Completely. That’s the fear. How is that not the truth? How can I do this without being bulldozed by this boulder of the lack of self-worth, self-belief, self-love, self-acceptance?

I pray for the highest good for all. I pray for the courage to forgive all of those actions which hurt me and the people who performed them. I pray for the suffering I experience to shatter my heart open so wide that it can’t ever close again. I pray to forgive myself. Deeply.

Two things… when I was 19 I had an experience of the deepest numbness I’ve ever felt in my life. Especially on Sundays. My favorite day. Every Sunday the numbness would overtake me. I’d have no desire for anything. Any food, any sunlight, any experience. I would sit or lie in my bed all day.

A few years ago I was in a delusion that someone else or something else would save me. Someone else had the answers I needed. I paid an astronomical amount for a coach to support me in a time when I was barely making money. Somehow, I always had enough to pay for it. I am provided for. Do I believe it? That’s the work.

But the real thing I want to share is that in one session I discovered something that really deeply moves me and my desire for this world. In a meditation or conversation, I can’t remember now, I was asked something along the lines of what is my greatest fear or something?

What I discovered was one of my greatest sadnesses/one of the biggest desires I have for the world. I remember saying to her, with tears streaming down, that something that makes me feel soooo deeply sad is the thought of anyone being afraid or lonely when they are dying.

Yep. And I definitely meant me included.

I am doing something about it and it feels big. I am glad for that. Because this activity is something we are all invited to. No exceptions, no exclusions.

And I want my life to be a reflection of how okay that is. Even if it doesn’t feel okay.

I believe that ‘okay’ is a state of being. I can feel anything and still BE okay.

I love you. We are okay.