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Learning to speak up, and to say no.

I have a dark cloud hanging over me these days. It’s been hard coming home to the realities of my family dynamic. I had an experience last week with a family member that left me feeling so upset – for the next two days I was upset and very sensitive to everything around me. I could have cried at a pin drop.

So I finally exploded and let it all out, thank god for one of my most trusted listeners at the time, and have decided it is time to speak up. And to say no… no thank you, this conversation is hurting me. (Wish it was as easy as that pic up there ^^)

I am so scared to do this. The relationship is already a bit rocky because patterns have been established that are unhealthy for me but they have been the status quo for a very long time. But being in these situations is actually starting to hurt me. A beautiful, wise woman in my life told me last week that we should never let anyone cause our hearts to hurt, no matter who they are.

So it is time to speak up and say that I am hurting and that I would like it to be stopped because I need these wounds to heal. I am planning on having the conversation soon (ie tomorrow) but I am nervous. I don’t want to say too much but I also don’t want a fake resolution.

Recently I have been doing a lot of spiritual reading and working on connecting with what is important to me. I am learning to leave the rest up to the universe because the plan is much bigger than I could ever fabricate.

Here we go:

Dear Universe,

Thank you for allowing me to find the way to communicate my thoughts and feelings. I am ready to learn through love and I am ready to surrender what I cannot control to the greater plan that is unfolding and to trust that I will be guided.

Sincerely,

B-

Here’s to hoping =)

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One Hundred and Eighty.

One hundred and eighty. 180. That’s the number of degrees it takes to shut my bathroom door. My new bathroom door that is – in my new home. 2016 man… what crazy year. My parents sold the house this year so my family home now belongs to someone else. I hope they are enjoying it.

I drove past it last night to go to a friend’s Christmas party. It was weird. But that’s not the point of this post because I haven’t gotten there yet (ie mental breakdown over moving out of my family home… don’t know if I will even have one anyway). The point of this is that I love my new home. I don’t know what I had expected – I suppose I hadn’t any expectation really but I do love it. Mostly because I am home with the people who fill my heart and soul up.

I have some pretty amazing friends back in my Irish home (you know who you are) and one or two (just one really) who is extremely special. SO I am lucky. But nevertheless – there is something so magical about coming home. And especially for the holidays. I am so happy to be reunited with my family. I am also getting tired of leaving so that gives me loads to think about.

But for now I will praise this new home because

  1. It houses my family – they are the best.
  2. My bedroom is on the same floor as the bathroom (THANK YOU JESUS – no more 4 am cardio workouts to prevent myself from peeing my pants)
  3. My bed is still the same bed that I’ve always had. Love that bed.
  4. WARNING- this is materialistic – BUT – you can talk to my remote – So … “Chopped” – ::listening…:: “Chopped” – finds my favorite show. Thank you TV.
  5. It feels like a home. Even though it’s not my childhood home. It is still home.

Now has anyone ever dealt with a door that has to swing 180 degrees to close! I swear every time I go into the bathroom I only push it enough to close it half way and then it’s a struggle. The struggle is so real. But I will learn. Just like I will learn to adjust to my new home. This new time will be different. But it has already been lovely.

Talk soon,

B-

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The little things… and the big things.

You know what I’ve realized lately …

Little b was really smart. It only took me feeling like things had been turned on their side (^^) to go back to my roots and realize that the things that guided me when I was young will be my greatest allies no matter how old I get. What b? … discuss… Okay!

I always used to say – nothing in life is that serious – and it’s so true. The more I accept the particulars of the given moment – the more I feel like I can actually see what’s going on. This life is happening around us whether we are present with it or not. Taking things too seriously has given me tunnel vision. I had lost the ability to feel the vast beauty of this life of mine. So recently I’ve been guided by my gut and allowing that to happen has also given birth to an evolved motto –

Life exists infinitely within and out.

Everything within us is connected to everything outside of us and that is massive. So if you are stressed about something – think about this … every single cell within you is connected to every single cell of every single other person and every single cell of every single thing that exists in this universe. And if you trust that … you will realize that accepting the particulars of any given situation will allow you to feel as big as you actually are. And that my friends … is an amazing feeling. Because then we can do what we are meant to do here, whatever that is.

So what was that thing you were stressed about?

Things can still be important and not consume you. Things can still be desired and you can still work for them without having to clutch on to them like your life depends on it. And things will come and go, but you will continue to be infinite whether you accept and notice it or not. So I don’t know… I just think that it’s time to stop forcing my hand and start accepting what’s already happening around me. Time to trust that I know how to find the balance between living my life and letting my life live.

Talk soon,

B-

 

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These days

See that up there ^^? She would never admit it, but she was petrified of looking the way she was feeling at the time… like sh*t.

April 2014… I had just started dancing again after 13.5 months off. I ruptured my achilles… got operated on… and began the long long long road to recovery. Well when I heard the snap of my tendon… along with that went my confidence in myself, my identity, and almost all of my pride.

My goodness, I used to think… I don’t want to be here anymore. What am I going to do if I can’t dance? Who am I without dancing? For months I fought with myself through sleepless nights, pointless days (they felt pointless anyway) and conversations with myself just continuously asking myself… what is the point?

It was a very low time for me, but after those 13.5 months – when the opportunity arose for me to do a photoshoot on the beach with a very talented photographer (Sasha M Photography), I felt brave enough – for the first time in over a year.

That day the beach was very cold. It was extremely windy and my legs and toes were numb from being bare. Something about that numbness though… reminded me of times past and comforted me in a way … because I knew that with my hopping around on the beach that day… those times had definitely passed.

If it wasn’t for my girlfriend at the time, I don’t know if I would have been able to get through the lowest point on that journey. I am thankful everyday for her presence in my life, especially at that time.

That time, too, has passed. Life has lead us our separate ways and what I am left with now, being on my own, is the residue of years of not loving myself enough. Not being able to see the girl in that photo for who she actually is.

There is so much power in accepting yourself unconditionally. When I look at that photo, I want to hug that beautiful, powerful, inspiring woman so tight. I want to squeeze her and I want to remind her that she is so human and so real and the essence of herself is an excellent addition to what already exists in this world.

From experience, it seems that the last thing we want to do is see ourselves… you know… really see ourselves. And I’ve seen people put themselves through a serious amount of (legal) torture before they would simply accept their feelings, their situation, their abilities or simply what they see when they look in the mirror. I’m guilty. Are you?

Let’s just stop that now, okay? Just remember … it only takes two arms to give a good hug… and most of us are lucky enough to have two arms… isn’t that funny?! Hug yourself.

Speak your truth. Live your life from the inside out because what you have inside is too beautiful and too YOUnique not to share.

 

Inspired by: #worldmentalhealthday #internationaldayofthegirl #nationalcomingoutday

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The timing of things.

What I want you to know is this:

1. There has never been a safer time in history to share your soul’s voice than right now. And every time you share your soul’s voice, you not only make it easier for you, you also encourage someone else to do the same.

2. If you are in a spiritual closet right now or just holding back the bigness of your message due to fear, I pray that you will find the courage to breathe through the uncomfortableness and share what is inside of you. When one woman rises, she makes the path that much brighter for She.

Thank you Rebecca Campbell.

I recently did a photoshoot in the rain. I recently got out of a 3.5 year-long relationship. I recently completed my Masters in Dance Performance. I recently learned how to play the piano.

I finally moved the keyboard into my room so I could practice. I finally accepted the truth about how I felt about being single. I finally started choreographing again. I finally started putting myself out there more.

I am now learning to play an 18-page long piano piece. I am teaching, sharing what I have learned with people of all ages. I am spending more time with myself and with my friends. I am getting excited about my creative projects and aspirations. I am writing a song!

After being in bed for the past two days, hibernating, I am accepting my times of low energy because I know now that I recently, finally, and am doing my best at any given time.

We have to accept the timing of things in life, don’t we?

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I envy people who can express themselves from the inside out. Dancers who make you feel something. Painters who make you feel something. Singers who tug at your heart strings. Writers who can draw you in to a world that takes you somewhere.

I had a thought a few years ago – ‘my mind is going to kill me’. I know that writing can save me but sometimes it feels ironic that thinking and writing is what saves me from thinking. I wish that something else could save me. I wish that I could save you with something else.

What am I so afraid of?

Having nothing to say,

and everything at the same time

What does it mean to say?

Say. What can be said. Without.

Without what?

Saying it, really.

Who do you say it to?

Or for… really.

What does it mean to be?

When we learn to be

Isn’t that saying it all, really…

How do I say it? I don’t know. How do you navigate this life? Just some thoughts on a low day.

Talk soon

B-

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Take care of yourself

See that woman in that photo? My little mom. She has (and still does) cared for me in ways that I can’t even comprehend. But I can feel them and I know who I am today in large part because of her.

I received an open letter recently. In it I read the words – take care of yourself. Ugh. Hmph. Bleugh. Blah. Wah.

Well do you ever just feel like… what’s the point? Why am I doing all of this? Am I torturing myself? Should I really have to try this hard? If I’m trying is it working? If I don’t try what happens? Can I trust?

How do I know if I can trust? What does all of this even mean? What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Will I ever feel better? When will the pain go away? Why does it hurt so much sometimes? What do we do with the thoughts that linger?

Why don’t I want to talk to anyone? Why is it that I can’t accept when people do nice things for me? What do I do with that? Why am I punishing myself? Why can’t I just listen and take it all in? Why do I have to learn the hard way?

Why does it hurt so much? Why does it actually physically hurt to feel emotional pain? What does it feel like to know the other side of this hurt?

Yesterday I had gone about an hour without crying at the most. But when it hits me as hard as it does, I’m still here. So I have survived. I once said to a friend- the worst that happens is that we survive and the best that happens is we thrive.

I JUST WANT TO GIVE IN. So today I said no. No more. I am done. I have tried and things have blown up in my face.

You wanna know how I’m going to do it? The Power of Now. I want to share an experience I had this afternoon:

I bought the book, The Power of Now, last week and today I started reading it. I was tired, so so tired. Even though for the past few nights I have been sleeping through the night which is brilliant. (Huge improvement for me really.) So I started to read it and there are moments in the book where he puts up a symbol that means pause. So I decided to just read it and do exactly what it says. I read, I trusted, I paused. I was so comfortable in my princess bed, with my gorgeous flowers across from me. During those pauses – I simply just lied there and looked at them. They made me so happy. I smiled. I rested and I had zero thoughts really.

Then I had this feeling and it overcame me. My body was so warm and just filled with love. My pulse was so strong that I could see it beating and moving the blanket and the phone on top of me. I just had to take it all in. It felt like learning to love myself for just a few moments, like being my own companion ya know? I did this for about a half an hour until I fell asleep, to the sound of the meditation song called Beating Heart. I woke up about 2 hours later and I haven’t really had a thought since. Until I decided to share. I am writing to get the words out so that I can go back to the space between them.

I will be sure to keep you updated on my experience with this beautiful book. I think it will help me to take care of myself. Just like the way little mom always takes care of little b.

Talk soon

B-