Float float float

Float float floating finger tips upon the keys it’s honestly one of my favorite things to do with my time. Some days I just want to allow myself to be sucked into the world of the internet. It’s like this energy that is the illusion of what we all have as human beings. An interconnectedness that we have mistakenly taken to heart through the internet but really that’s what we have if we just look around us.

 

Sometimes I just want to let my fingertips guide me because I really can feel that there is so much that wants to come out. Listening to John Mayer, typing away over here with my blankets. I like to lay on my bed during the day -it’s made, but I have two blankets that I cuddle with. It feels like cheating or something haha. You know like when you really just want to eat something greasy and delicious or something but instead you have guacamole and it does the job?

 

There is a lot of patience that is riding on the things I want to do next. But also I keep thinking – am I going big enough? This thought has been planted as a little seed in my head recently.

 

Feeling braver than yesterday though so there we go. John Mayer really just gets me with his lyrics. I really feel him on a lot of the things he used to write about. I’m not sure about his new stuff because I haven’t been following. I let this playlist go on for a while though whenever I am in this mood. It used to be a mood of desperation but has since migrated to a mood of pensiveness and a mood of deep relaxation that leads to stillness in the body. I have been so exhausted today.

 

My solar plexus chakra has been off. I received a reiki treatment on Friday and that is where I learned this information. I also felt the tremendous release of that excess when she worked that area. It was a very emotional experience for me because I imagined it like this:

 

She had opened up the cauldron of my solar plexus – a big black cauldron with steaming yellow smoke coming from it (yellow is the color of this chakra – the 3rd) and all of a sudden loads of smoke was billowing out and into a black hole beside me.

 

I could see the smoke bubbling up and forming memories and thoughts and words of self-doubt and expectation and perfection, of achievement, success, pressure, lack of confidence, many of the things that I have done to myself for as long as I can remember, just billowing out of my energetic body like smoke stacks.

 

I felt like crying because I realized that all of that was stuck inside of me. And what was it doing really? What was the purpose you know?

 

I am conflicted between needing to understand my past and not needing to. I want to dream bigger, think bigger, be bigger – there are things at the core that have been shaken and have been twisted throughout my life.

Twisted roots or not I am here and I feel great about that.

 

Every day – I am here so far. I believe in Two Can Do. It is going to change the world. I believe in my writing… it too is going to change the world.

I am the world. The world is in me. You are the world. The world is in you.

So transform and the world will be transformed.

 

That’s how I know.

There’s something about sitting behind this computer, knowing that as I put these words down on electronic paper, that they are born. Something outside of myself.

The body remembers everything really – so this is why art and expression is essential to humanity. Because if you don’t give it life outside of the illusory boundaries of your body – then it gets stuck in there.

I was so depressed for a while – because my art was stuck inside of me.

 

I hope I never do that again, but if I do, at least I might be able to recognize it a little easier.

Right now I feel like I am on the verge of exploding into the world – do you ever get that feeling?

It starts with writing whatever the hell I want. It starts with that for me. But that’s not for everywhere.

 

It starts with trusting my damn self. Today I have been in bed all day. I can’t remember the last time I did that. And I most certainly cannot remember the last time I did that without being confined to my bed because I was just so sad or low.

This is different.

This is rest. This is planning. This is prepping. This is incubating in the settling of the dusts.

So do people read this and get me? Sometimes I wonder that haha – the thoughts inside this mind of mine have been tumbling around for 28.5 years now and I sometimes think I was born with centuries of thoughts from past lives as well because when these things come out of me I’m not exactly sure where they came from sometimes.

But speaking is my next venture. Allowing the words to float off my tongue as opposed to through my fingertips is the next step.

Conflicting beliefs hold me back sometimes – but honestly WHO CARES hahah – inspired by the song that is on right now – Who Says?

Honestly though … can I please go back to when I was a kid and I knew exactly what I wanted to say and do and exactly how I felt? And on my way can I have a few good meals, make a few new friends and see a few new places?

If you look back – do you ever realize that you’ve done everything you could have ever imagined and then some?

What is your biggest dream? How often do you exercise your imagination?

Is it okay for me to be a writer, a painter, a dancer and a choreographer? Yes.

A dance teacher and a yoga teacher? Yes.

Is it okay for me to completely dis-identify with all the things I “do” and all the things I “am”. YES.

Because then – it’s completely okay to be all of who I am.

I think I should have been born in like … the 1920s or something when life was a bit more focused on the daily grind. That would keep my mind in check lol.

The monkey mind they called it in Yoga Training.

Ironic that I always thought I looked like a monkey hahah. Damn.

 

Hugs and love,

 

Talk soon,

 

B-

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To accept what I cannot understand

Alright I’m just going to let this one float out of the fingertips of a gal who has been transforming since … BIRTH hahahah really we all are transforming from the moment we exist. But here is the story – the consciousness of my own transformation has really become a skill I have been developing in this year of 2019 and especially in these past few months.

I want to share as much of it as I can because I really feel like this is what is going to help me to believe that I deserve it and to believe in the best for myself.

Do you ever feel like that? You just keep thinking about something and only to yourself. You never talk about it or tell anyone else about it – you only think it in your head. You don’t even speak it aloud in your own company.

The energy of the Universe is the same energy as our energy. All energy is the same right? So our thoughts are energy – the energy of our thoughts is the same as the energy of the Universe. This is it … right? Well something about speaking – the energy of the voice – seems to me to change the source of where it comes from.

Not that any one source is better than another source. BUTTTT I do feel that when I speak aloud – what I say comes from my heart and soul more than it does my mind. When I think it’s all in my mind. Even when I write it is all in my mind. Hence my struggle at times with writing.

Speaking things into existence – it’s like that is the direct extension to the universe. Whereas thinking them and keeping them inside seems to be an email lol. It’s like… these below are my thoughts lol …

I really want to make it. I want this tour to be successful. I want to let go of the guilt that I feel for being born.

Sent to: theuniverse@gmail.com

Then I write it and it’s a little bit like this … these are my writings …

Here’s the real thing that I discovered this morning – IF it was a mistake … {cut this bit out cuz it’s sensitive to me right now} it’s NOT MY MISTAKE. So there is nothing to forgive for me and so that means there is no reason for the guilt. Right? Right.

I want to write some prayers. I recently connected with this learning – that there is a significant difference between prayer and mediation though they are deeply connected. So I realized that I haven’t been meditating I’ve been praying through visualization. And that words are pictures. They create pictures. So I want to write prayers to help me articulate the images that I want to see.

 

Sent to: connections to the universe through human beings and the internet

Speaking it aloud however – whether it’s to myself or to another – is like this

I AM LEARNING AND I AM LIVING AND I AM INVESTED IN MY LIFE BY DOING 

Sent to: THE UNIVERSE DIRECTLY

What do you think about that?!

Does it work? I sure as hell think it does.

I also want to state this …

Prayer. Meditation. There’s a difference.

  • prayer is words and images – prayer is spoken, thought, prayer is tangible and initiated in the senses of sight, taste and touch
  • meditation – is listening. pure listening and awareness

Here are my prayers: well I haven’t written them yet but I am going to write one now.

I pray I may be filled with courage and faith to reveal myself to the world without fear. I pray that my mind may be free of distractions and my vision be clear. I pray that I may understand what a blessing I am to this world and how amazing it is to be alive. I pray that I may root and blossom with permission to do so simply because I exist.

Oh mannn oh mannn.

I’ve gotten distracted now because my lunch is ready. So I will go and eat.

To any of you angels out there who are thinking the thing – say it. Say it aloud. You deserve it.

I write it here for myself. I deserve it. But so. do. you.

With love always.

 

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

 

 

 

I am enough.

Okay honestly I think I’m about to spew what feels like decades of words on to this page. It’s really wild that it has only hit me lastnight/this morning how much information there is out there. That we are basically born into an information overload. Billions of temptations of things to learn, to experience, to know.

 

This is the time where I want to shut my mind off and let the words that are radiating at my fingertips come out. What I also realized is this – total duh moment for me maybe – or maybe I’m just judging myself and it’s not actually that much of a duh… but here it is – I realized that we are actually BORN as a wealth of information. We are born a wealth of information.

So yes there is a wealth of information in the universe and maybe I am caught up in having to know as much of that information as I can. Maybe? I have been. Totally caught up in everything outside of myself as if knowing all of that would help me to know myself better. It is a disease of being addicted to learning and consuming information. Hold on I need some music.

Something has to occupy my conscious mind so that I can let these words come out. DO you ever notice that about yourself? I choreograph my classes while I’m driving… dangerous? I’m not sure hahaha but I do it because basically my subconscious can be free to be creative while my conscious mind is focused on driving.

Is it possible to separate them in everything we do? Is it necessary? I find that I do it because they don’t quite go together yet. I bet they did. Have this knowing that when we were all born the consciousness was one. Not conscious and subconscious. But just a pure beautiful consciousness and expression of that through our human inheritance – love and abundance. How FLIPPING beautiful is that take me back.

 

Do you ever wonder what’s in there? I totally do. One because I know that there is so much in there that is basically a treasure chest to being able to live out my life the way I was designed to. And TWO because now I also know that nurture has influenced a lot of what has also been imprinted on to my subconscious. Whereas my print was … well no. I’m correcting myself as I write because this music is not engaging me HAHAH no B. No excuses.

Anyway back to this … We aren’t born blank slates. But we also are. We are not blank but we are pure. Clear – born with our imprint and the imprint is clean and it is full of potential for expression.

I’m still hurt by things that happened years ago. I still feel a bit unwell when I think about things that made me sick when I was younger. I still cringe when I think about embarrassing things that happened to me when I was a kid. And the one that affects me the most – I still feel angry when I think back to times when I was silenced. How could I possibly get caught up in the illusion that everything I need to know is outside of myself?

I have been mocking MYSELF through saying things like – how can people study all these things outside of themselves with the aim of mastering them if they don’t master themselves? HELLO BEEZY PICK UP THE SELF-MASTERY PHONE ITS BEEN RINGING OFF THE HOOOKKKKKKK.

Not many call me Beezy anymore. I gave that nickname to myself… people judged me for it but honestly here’s the story – when people become familiar to me they get nicknames and I cant help it. The nickname just comes out – it’s my way of showing love and of including them into my inner circle kind of thing. So … I like to think that at that point when I started calling myself Beezy I was beginning to feel a sense of familiarity with myself. I remember it happening some time around the first time I moved to Ireland.

Ironic? I think not. I haven’t called myself that in a while but I use it when I speak to myself in my writing. Ironic? I think not.

I read these things that say … do what makes you happy… follow what lights you up… follow your bliss… okay.

Back then – when Beezy first arrived on the scene – here was my list of my favorite things:

Hugs

Laughing

Love

Jumping

Kisses

 

TA-DA! lolol Absolutely phenomenal. Still love those things. Plus these things light me up:

Flowers

Nature

Babies

Painting

Writing

Deep conversations

A nice hot drink (hot chocolate is not the only one believe it or not lol)

Walking

Meeting new people

Creating, making things

 

I’m still working on this list – because I am building my life with those things. I always have been you know? You probably have too… but I think we get caught up. I got caught up …. so so so caught up I was for about 10 years to be honest. The hammer came down and I started to question everything – “Was this person right when she said that I shouldn’t go to the beach tomorrow because it’s probably going to rain? Was she right when she said I better make sure that I call this person or call that person? Was that person right when he said that there was no point in getting that degree if I was just going to go and dance? Was this person right when she said I need to make sure I get a good job so I can get social security and benefits? Was that person right when she said I should probably just quit dancing because I come home crying so I must not even like it? Was this person right when he said money was made to be spent? Was he right when he said … when will I get to the point where I decide okay enough is enough? Was this person right when he said that no matter what you just need to have one person by your side who loves you? That you never want to get to a point where you realize you are all alone? Was this person right when she said – just go BB just go and get out of here do what you want? Was this person right when she said don’t set yourself up? Or do what makes you happy? Was everybody right when they said you know we do all of this because we love you?  How did all these people influence me?”

It’s wild really but here I am. Last year this time right … I was SO down. So so down. I couldn’t look down any further I was so down. I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me and my life. I was blown away by how I felt because it felt like the culmination of some huge weight that was crashing down on me because I’d been holding it up for so long. When it crashed – I nearly lost my mind. I was borderline going insane trying to make a decision – a decision to run back to the life I had left behind or to stay and see what was being revealed to me through my pain.

I stayed. I figured out how to be with myself. By myself. And really be with myself. A year later I am figuring out how to be with everyone else and still be with myself. This is not easy sh*t people lol am I right?! But I am glad that I have figured out some of it.

 

Also I want to DO more I mean seriously I get sick of myself in my head so… and here is another thing I am done with – I wish I caught on to this with the whole Lent thing hahaha because I’d LOVEEE to completely eliminate the use of the word just from my vocabulary.

Scarcity mindset = despair = I JUST want to have xyz … I JUST want to feel xyz.

Baiiiiiiiiiii.

 

Do more. Do more beezy. This is what I keep saying to myself until I do it. Is it okay to say JUST do it? Not sure. But I make the rules so I suppose I will say it.

 

Just do it B.

If you want to do something then do it. If you want to be something declare it. If you want to see something then believe it. If you want to feel something then say it. We are pure creation.

How the hell did we get here? If you ever think about that and your connection to how you believe we got here – I have realized that no matter what you believe the story is something to do with being created by something or someone else whom we have never actually met. We just appeared.

 

Now I know biologically how babies are made but I’m talking the entire human race ya know? All of the living things on this wild planet – we were CREATED. Even babies – are created… grown… nurtured.

We are pure creation so let’s create then. If I don’t like what I am creating – I can create something else. But create is a verb right …. so that means you have to do something. But not do something so that you can be something. Do something so you can express what you already are. Do to be… not become. You already are. I already am. Enough.

I declare it. I am enough.

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

Learning vs transforming

I went for a walk today and it took me a lot of time to convince myself to get out there. But once I did it was like someone let the lid off a steaming pot of word stew because I went OFF. Couldn’t stop talking to my pals in the universe.

I knew I was also going to be writing today because I visualized my day and writing was a part of it. But as I was walking to my sacred space, I admitted that I had no idea what I was going to write today. I also admit that as these words come from my finger tips I still have no idea what I am going to write.

 

So what is an idea then? Conscious or unconscious? Subconscious.

This is what I want to ponder. I made time for pondering last week – 2 hours in the studio. It felt like SUCH a luxury. So I will do it again this week. And I will do it every week – the cost of it will replace the cost of what I was spending previously to do something else dance related.

It makes sense.

Logic is conscious. This is what I think – Logic is conscious and feeling is subconscious.

It’s not only what I think – I have been influenced heavily by a talk I listened to today by the beautiful Marisa Peer.

So she mentioned something about the subconscious mind being the feeling mind.

It stuck. Learning versus transformation – learning is momentary while transformation is forever.

Here is the thing – I think about owning the learning. That is transformation. I spent the past 6 years learning. Now I feel I am transforming. And for this… I am grateful.

I have so many thoughts in a day you see – and I use to just let them go like crazy. But now I am taking charge of them. I am guiding them toward what I want the inner landscape of my mind to be filled with.

So I love everyone. I literally love everyone around me. I always have, but it has happened again – what I used to feel when I was a child. I watched American Idol this evening, first of all… I know someone who would LITERALLY WIN OVER THE HEARTS OF MILLIONS if she got on this show. I don’t know if you can do it if you aren’t from the USA but honestly – if you are reading this… you are a star.

I loved EVERY single person they showed on the show. Like genuinely loved them, just feel like I am in love with humanity again. I want that. I want that in my life because I want to receive that back and I want to make that contribution. It’s just like this – what kind of a contribution do you want to make to the collective energy?

I always think about that – except now I really feel like I understand what it means to act upon what I wish my contribution to be.

It really means cutting out a LOT of bullspit. A lot. A lot of it coming from old thought patterns and habits, wrong beliefs and limited beliefs, victimizing myself in my life, being around people who make me feel less than amazing… so many things.

Life is short. Eat the sprinkles. I wrote this tonight on instagram… but honestly – its like.. if everything in my life isn’t the sprinkles then what can I do about it?

I used to say to an ex of mine – you always have a choice. I don’t know if we ever agreed but I know she remembered it. It sometimes comes up still. We are friends now yes.

Shout out to my exes honestly – I think they are both amazing people. Simply amazing.

 

So this is what I tell myself:

You always have a choice. You ALWAYS have a choice. Until you don’t.

You can choose what you think. This affects what you see. What you don’t choose is what happens to you when you think something you don’t want to think.

 

I am focusing on being my best self. And I am working towards daydreaming again. When my day dreams are clear then I know what I need to do. Sundays are the best days for being in love with life. But it’s not only Sundays that allow me to feel that way because now I can feel it inside of me. A love for life that I haven’t quite connected with in a while if only for a few moments.

Ireland helped me feel that way more often. Way more often. What a beautiful place with beautiful people.

Sometimes I sit down here to do this and I know I want to write for you. Sometimes I know I want to write for me.

 

Today I just feel like … I want to write. I will say this – I have daydreams about being in some beautiful country home, with a cup of tea and a laptop, writing away till my heart’s content. Passing the hours infinitely through the presence of fingertips to keys.

I feel like my writing is for you as much as it is for me. It’s for us. Because it helps me to feel like I am making the contribution that I want to make to this world.

It’s the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae of my life. On a Sunday. Pondering all the while, wondering if I will ever see anyone I know on American Idol.

Talk soon,

B-

Truth vs reality

Today the first words I spoke were “thank you”.

Then I began to notice that the next four or five times I opened my mouth to speak it was to say thank you or “you’re welcome”.

I walked up to yoga training in absolute reverence for the beauty of those interactions. How lucky am I to have so many things to be thankful for in the first hour of my day.

On my walk I saw a cab completely run over two seagulls. There was a flock of them flying around 9th avenue- I thought that was so beautiful and rare.

The cab completely drove over them as if they weren’t there. I cried for a few blocks as I walked. I kept looking back to see the one seagull who had really been flipped, he was in shock. Just standing there. Neither died, that I know of.

I’m grateful that I allowed myself to be how I felt in that moment.

All too often my vocal chords are sore from holding back tears. Do you ever feel that way? Like your throat hurts – not a sore throat per se but a strained throat.

I felt it this evening while watching Queer Eye on Netflix.

I wonder why I hold myself back from crying. I grew up learning that crying was dramatic and that it didn’t solve any problems, that it only just made things worse for other people if I cried.

It felt so cathartic though to cry over the birds. It feels like a release of trauma. So trauma doesn’t turn into ama – unresolved.

The truth does not always set one free. Holding back the truth of the moment never sets one free. So if you can’t let out the truth of the moment what do you do?

Find gratitude hunnayyyy.

Well this is what I discovered today – even if something is true that doesn’t mean it needs to be in my life if i want something better. We don’t have to accept what is true id what is true isn’t what we want out of life. Acknowledge yes. Accept- not my fairy tale. If it’s not what I want, it needs to be replaced.

So I cried over the beautiful birds. I don’t always let myself be in this way.

I want to give myself a voice though. So here is what I have done today – spoken gratitude over the situation that I cannot control. Gratitude for what is and for what I want to perceive. Learning to believe it until I see it. Creating my reality based on the possibilities of what I can imagine. Sometimes what already exists – the “truth” is not what we want to be our truth. So …byeeeeeeee… ya know ?

Giving myself my own truths. Speak upon them until they appear.

Many many things have arisen today. But what I keep coming back to is this – what happens if the first words we all spoke everyday were – Thank You.

Sincerely,

B