On my ownio

This week I had a rare opportunity – a whole week in the studio by myself. Working on Two Can Do … but also working on myself without realizing it.

When you have time on your own that is in disguise, it’s amazing what can come out.

Do you ever put time aside to just be on your own? Or just realize that you might have an evening alone? And then dread it…?

Because it’s like hmmm…. what am I going to do with myself? Depending on my mood it could be absolutely amazing or absolutely horrible and end up sending me into a downward spiral of all things awful about me myself and I. No bueno.

So this week was like… alone time with a focus. I was working on things but also at the same time inevitably I was on my own and being with myself. It was a gift in many ways.

Time alone in disguise.

Yes.

It’s so nice when you have something that allows you to just be with yourself. I find it really hard sometimes to just be with myself. I have this idea of who “myself” is and when I am alone with her, sometimes I don’t like what I am faced with. It’s a predicament for sure.

But in this setting, when “myself” is working and is allowing the creativity to flow and the processes to be explored of what it takes to make my work, then me and myself seem to get along really well.

So how then, can we make it so that in each moment we are living in harmony with ourself? There is something to be said about accepting the good (or bad or anything really) in each moment. But also I think there is equally something of value in choosing to live each moment in a way that allows all of you to be in flow. When I am in the studio working like this, every fibre of me is flowing.

Equally, when I’m writing I feel the same way. So how about more of moments like these and less of moments where “myself” goes off on a tangent and I’m just here like… but what about the flow?

On an early Friday afternoon, here’s to being with myself and liking it.

Studio days alone are invaluable.

Talk soon,

B-

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In the meantime

Sliding. Legs open, rustling, the sound of hands on paper- what’s that noise?

Clear glass enveloping minimal sounds and closing out the actual volume of outside activity. Rough. At times. Silence at times. Is anything ever silent or do we just become numb to things?

Isn’t there just … a constant humming… a bit of shuffling… a sliding sensation

Eyes closed. In my left ear I hear … kids laughing. They play. The hum of busy streets. Cars passing by.

Eyes closed. In my right ear I hear … buzzing, humming, stereo. Shuffling. Stillness.

A bug hits the window. My eyes open.

Sensation. Vibration. Transfer of energy. Being intercepted.

And where does it hit me. It is about me. This is how I listen. I is physical if its imagined – things go through me.

How do we listen? How can we open up in the listening?

In the meantime… there is something about the meantime that implies waiting. But what if it just involves listening and being? Why would we wait?

wait – v. to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens (often followed by for, till, or until)

wait – v. to remain neglected for a time

meantime – n. the intervening time or period, as between events

Well it just sounds like a waste of time when you look at it like that. Inactive, neglected – no thank you. So why not fill the meantime with presence and activity.

I am saying this because I have spent a lot of time waiting over these past couple of months. Battling the waiting to be honest because I am anticipating a series of events (that are happening quite soon – next week to be exact) and I am quite nervous about the turn of these events. So nervous that if I allow myself to think about it properly I could cry.

But in the meantime I still have to be here. Because they aren’t happening yet. And when they do I will be well able for whatever the present moment brings. So long as I am there in the present moment. Usually when things cause a person great stress leading up to the thing – the presence during the thing is magnified.

Well I’d like to take that magnifying glass and tip it right back to this very moment. And magnify the meantime. What would you do in the meantime, if you could see the meantime as invaluable?

*The excerpt at the beginning of this post was prompted in a choreographic mentorship called Make & Move by a colleague named Sarah Ryan. The rest was inspired by a good friend of mine, and by life as I know it to be (so far of course). 

Sometimes I get frustrated

I feel sorry. I feel sorry and I feel that I need to apologize. So I am sorry. I am sorry.

Sorry that I feel like I have figured things out and have allowed myself to compare myself to others because of the way I think and feel. Sorry that I compare my present self to past selves in order to force myself to continue to “be better”.

Sorry that I say things that perhaps I don’t quite understand because I am still attached to the idea of them. By this I mean that I really do believe the things I say and write about… but perhaps my lack of fully accepting them and surrendering to the simplicity of these things is caught up by how it makes me feel to realize that I am capable of believing things that go beyond what I thought that this life was about.

Pouring all of this out somehow makes me feel grateful. Grateful to the existence of everyone else that I feel the need to compare myself to. Not for the comparing bit but because of the fact that we are all here and that simple fact is driving me … now (since yesterday probably) to find space. Space within myself. The space where I am. I just am. I be.

If we can find the space where we can just be, if I can… and when I do (after the torture is over) then I can really approach every moment with no judgements. This is freedom of being.

Imagine a scenario where you could interact with a person as a completely blank canvas and yet still fully yourself. Imagine you could shatter the bubble (glass bubble I’m thinking) of the ego – of the idea of the self and the attachments that fuel what this image is made up of – and just be present with another being. If you could just burst that bubble and along with it any attachment to this world of dualities – happy/sad, rich/poor, fat/skinny, gay/straight, religious/non-religious, political/non-political. They are all one in the same.

They are all a part of this world that we as a human race have created. But what happens if you can find a way to acknowledge it and your place within it all, but remain committed to being here right now with no attachment to any of that at all? It is still a part of who you are but it is not you.

These are for me. And for you if you want. But somehow I feel I have to share them in this way in order for them to really be for me.

I am stuck on this – if I can accept now, then each moment is new and exists without judgement. If I don’t, then tomorrow is already filled with and by today.

Tainted. Why – when we are born a blank canvas… do we fill the need to fill it up? What is so scary about being blank.

Even though it is blank it is still full. Otherwise it wouldn’t exist.

Feeling supported tonight by the cyber world and grateful for that.

Talk soon,

B-

Todays and tomorrows …

Does anyone else feel scared to be here?

It scares me so much sometimes to be here on this planet because it feels like there’s something to make sense of that is so great and in the meantime, the time that passes without me figuring it out, I am torturing myself.

I feel like I’m just missing out on something. There is something that I don’t get. A few things make me feel like I get it. Because these things make me feel alive. They make me feel here, as here as I am.

Because I am here. So are we all. We are just here. And isn’t that enough?

Yesterday I went to see Eckhart Tolle. Today I am here. In this moment I am upset. I am upset because I am not sure what to do with myself. What does that even mean though? I am already here so isn’t that enough? This I really believe but it’s like I don’t know it from experience yet. So until then I suffer.

He has it figured out ^^. Rising above thought. That is what he has figured out.

Falling below thought – some of us do it through drugs and alcohol. Some of us through excessive exercise, reading, eating, writing (hello), scrolling… anything to “take our minds off of things”. Anything to get us close to that feeling of just being.

Isn’t it enough to just be here? Isn’t it? It is. This I really believe but there are so many moments where I realize I’m doubting or I’m scared to accept what I already know to be true.

But what about this … if we just stopped. If we all stopped trying to control everything and “make something out of ourselves” – wouldn’t we all still be here? For the most part, yes. No one would die if we stopped trying to control our lives so heavily.

So why don’t we?

Why can’t I? I feel like I’m ready. But if I do then there’s just me. I have to be. In order to be – that happens within me. And who wants to be on their own … not me. I really don’t want to – it’s got me so damn scared and uncomfortable and feeling like I don’t belong. I really do feel like I don’t belong.

Does anyone else feel like they just don’t belong?

But what is belonging… Longing to be … eh? LONGING TO BE. Wow.

So I literally feel like I don’t belong. I’m not longing to be. Why am I not doing that?

Because it’s just so simple isn’t it… to just be. I have moments. Eckhart spoke about these moments yesterday and I want to share. You know those moments where you realize something after the fact… those moments where you realize you are having a thought or an experience? That is the moment when you can be sure that previous to that thought or realization you were in a space above thought – a space that he says is the Kingdom of Heaven – the dimension of spaciousness. Where you can just be.

I used to feel like I had to process everything in order to “get it”. Used to pride myself on my ability to understand things and so this made me feel intelligent and made me feel like I had purpose in the world.

I also used to think that I had to plan my life out a certain way and that this was the point of existing – to plan your life well and to succeed in accomplishing your plan.

But following that idea was hurting me. And it still is. I am still meddling in that because I feel attached. Attached to my own ego really. And attached to what other people who I love think that life is about and how they are living their lives around me.

I’m feeling called to share.

What if we didn’t plan?

What are the components of being human?

Who controls your life?

What if you said no?

What if you said yes?

What are you attached to?

What if we just accepted that we exist?

What if we didn’t force our hand to ensure that our existence matters (… because it already does or we wouldn’t be here)?

What if we just let ourselves receive and accept that we can do this without thinking?

Talk soon

B-

What am I supposed to do…

Some people in my life will see this image later on in the week during my performance with the Step Up Dance Project.

Apart from that… this gesture comes from a line that I’ve written that starts with “What am I supposed to do…?”

So what am I supposed to do? Yesterday it felt like everything came crashing down. But it was like a rush – like a waterfall … no an avalanche – and once I realized that there was no stopping it I just allowed myself to heave-ho through it really.

It’s a wild thing how sometimes a person can really cry so hard. But there is something so lovely in the presence of the body while you release all of the thoughts that keep you away from the present moment.

For me it’s like… I have to allow myself to read all the thoughts that I didn’t realize or didn’t let myself actively think because I was trying to just be here now or trying to not let myself stress about things that aren’t relevant to what I’m doing etc. So basically it all builds up and then it explodes into this never ending (well it ends it just doesn’t feel like it) slide show of awfully charged thoughts that result in a lot of crying.

I slept eventually and this morning something slight triggered me again. So there I go – and something about it made me feel I wasn’t going to stop even though I had plans to be somewhere (at rehearsals) and I was on my way (walking in public of course… why why why). But this is the thing… sometimes I feel like I have to think the thoughts and I have to almost keep reminding myself of the thoughts until they don’t make me cry anymore.

Is that weird? I’m not sure but this process happens cyclically and I feel confident now that it’s like the wheels on a bike – always moving forward. Not a stationary bike ahahah anyway yes the cycles come back around always – as cyclical things do – but each time I am faced with the same point I know that I am further along in my life story than I was previously. And that alone makes all the difference.

I am grateful for the time that I am spending to learn how to be with myself everyday. No matter how I am feeling. Recognizing that I am a slightly different vibration of myself every single day – every moment really but let’s not go there yet.

So today I am really feeling the effects of emotional release. And the release has allowed me to be present and to give myself space to be nothing less than present.

It’s amazing how full one can feel in the present moment. Why do we get caught up in searching for past and future?

Talk soon,

B-

Look how you feel…?

Sometimes I take photos of myself … well I know we all take photos of ourselves lol but sometimes I take photos of myself and I am actually surprised at what they look like. Sometimes its a welcome surprise and other times its not.

But all the time I am me … right?

What does that look like…? You know I never really feel like I care about what I look like until I have a moment where I don’t like what I see. So what is that about?

The most beautiful people look exactly how they feel. This is my opinion of course. But think about this… if you just look at a person and they are so genuinely happy they look happy. That’s a simple example.

But then when it comes to what’s beautiful well that’s another story because beauty is a judgement call. Based on standards. What are yours? What are mine? My standards of myself are quite harsh if I’m honest. And then this is when I don’t like what I see. And I think… well I don’t like that because that is not what I feel like I look like.

Well this is what I want to start asking myself… is it what I feel like? Because if I care for myself and I feel healthy and calm inside I will look like that surely. If everything is connected… why isn’t it that simple? Surely it is. How you feel on the inside is how you will look on the outside.

Today I had a moment of overwhelm in a public place. I cried on a bridge. I just felt so bad inside, I knew I looked it as well because it was affecting the way that people were feeling around me, and I had to get it out. I released what I was feeling on the inside so that it wouldn’t affect the way I looked on the outside. This is how I see it now.

Hmm… this thought feels incomplete but for now I will just leave it at this.

“What do I feel like?” How I feel is how I look.

Talk soon,

B-

Body knowledge

Sometimes writing things down changes the learning. And writing things down … is more for the mind to remember what the body already knows. Feels humbling to realize that in a way we are all just playing catch up with our bodies.

How powerful is that?

I’ve been through such an intense physical process the past few weeks. My body has gone to places that we’ve (all of me) never been before. So now that I have a few days off… I feel like I need to reflect in a way that couples the physical with the mental/emotional. But this is just to say that I actually won’t be doing that. Because I realized that sometimes I feel this need to separate body and mind and spirit as if they are compartments within a person. Maybe they are maybe they aren’t. Maybe sometimes thats appropriate. I’m not sure my opinion on that.

But my experience right now is this – I feel for the first time in a while, that there is no need to write anything down that hasn’t already been said and experienced by my whole self over the past few weeks. So what would I be writing? I have nothing to process. There is no need to look back because I have fully lived in the present for these past weeks.

So there is no catching up to do. And that is okay. For someone who writes as much as I do, this can feel weird sometimes. It feels like if I don’t write about it… it didn’t happen. Like if I don’t write about it then I can’t completely accept its existence in my life. That is not right. Even writing that my yellow soul is saying to me… how beautiful is it that you are learning to see this differently now B? It’s more than seeing. It’s feeling and experiencing which leads to believing.

If you want to believe, you have to see things for yourself sometimes.

Talk soon

B-

Crossovers in life

I learned a few somethings over the past couple of weeks in Dublin. Two heads are better than one. Cycling is difficult when you are in the same lane as all the buses… and no matter how fit you are you will sweat doing it. Talking about what we do is important. Doing what we do with integrity and rigor is essential.

Crossing over is sometimes necessary to transmit knowledge and experience.

I had four hours to explore a piece I have been working on, in the company of like-minded individuals and a stellar mentor. I felt like I had four hours to cure cancer to be honest. I didn’t realize that I felt this way until the final hour. But I am so grateful to this pattern of cosmic timing because by the time I realized, I still had one hour to crossover.

What bothers me sometimes, is how it can feel like every one needs to be placed inside their ‘box’ so that we, as humans, can comprehend the world. It is something that I really feel strongly about because I think it needs to stop. That being said, I remember reading somewhere that we should always question ourselves when something is bothering is because oftentimes the thing that bothers us is something that we ourselves do.

So this is the case here… I put myself in a box. Choreographer. Which meant, at the time, I had to be on one side of the work – the outside of it looking in – and I had to work my magic from this place. Why did I do that to myself?

I wanted so badly to test myself in order to see how I could translate the work, but what I didn’t allow was flexibility in my method. Until I realized, with the help of a fruitful conversation, that up until this point I had only known the role of dancer/choreographer. That all the time I am simply Bianca – no need to put me in a box- Paige Smith. So why would I put myself in this box of whatever I thought a choreographer was and force myself to fit into a method that wasn’t getting me where I wanted to be? I had to crossover and I had to do from within, not out.

My final hour was thrilling. It was so fulfilling and I felt I was able to inject myself into that hour. I was able to mold the time around my method and to physically engage in whatever role or roles I felt necessary to translate my work. What I got in return was a direct energetic exchange with 5 different and equally awe-inspiring people. They affected me physically, emotionally and intellectually. This is what the work does and I was able to receive this exchange without the pressure of creating it. I am grateful for the crossovers in life. I am grateful for the opportunities to take these boxes and build a fort.

Talk soon

B-

Candlelight and showers

It has been raining on and off all day. Since I woke at 830 am. In between showers though is the most beautiful sunshine coming through the clouds. This place – Limerick, Ireland – is magical and mysterious.

I’ve been writing so much lately that it is starting to heal me. It’s starting to give me inner peace – the kind that I’ve been after for what feels like lifetimes.

Passing showers are such a beautiful state. Of weather, of being, of living – could all be seen as a passing shower really. But there are times in life, like where I am at right now – where everything feels like a passing shower. Bursts of extremely different activity. Different locations, different atmospheres, different interactions, different people to be with and around.

I’ve been living through passing showers for months now and today I can see the sunshine coming through the clouds. I will be leaving one place and going to another. As this shower clears the sun is guiding my way.

There’s something of value in the idea of things coming in bursts. What does it mean to sustain? Sometimes I think that in order to sustain ourselves, to be here now, to be doing and recreating the same thing – something has to change. Actually I believe this. I really do believe that in order for me to live the constancy of life that I have to be always changing – which is another way of just being here now – always present and receptive to what this very moment brings.

Commit to things and let go of all the rest. In doing so, I believe that we can allow ourselves to be free within our commitments. Of expectations, of past experiences, of responsibilities, of delivering, of being a certain way. Free to just completely be in our commitments. As I write this I read what I am writing and I feel the necessity to remember this because I need it. And I need it to be here. On this white page.

Talk soon

B-

Take a moment…

How long is a moment? You know…?

How long is a moment? A moment in time is only called a moment because it is significant. Otherwise it is called a second, a minute, an hour… a period of time.

But a moment is more than a period of time. A moment requires a recognition. I can’t call something a moment unless I am taking or having a moment. There is a piece of me in every moment. And I am in every second. But there is every single piece… all of me… in a moment.

So I feel I need to take a moment. As many moments as I can actually. I want my minutes, hours, days, weeks and years to be filled with moments. All it takes is all of me. To be here now. In this moment.

Otherwise time passes and we are less than present.

Moments like these… when I have the time to sit and write by candlelight – without distractions, off of Facebook and away from my phone… are few the moments that make up my memories of the time that we have to spend.

The rest of my moments have to do with being around my loved ones. Have to do with doing what I love – creating, performing, cooking, eating, living my art and heart…my heart’s desires.

I could write all day – and I feel that it’s simply because it allows me to take a moment and string it to the next moment via the words that are pulsating out of my fingertips on to this white blank canvas. Allowing me to color the page. Just the same way that I chase after the colors that make up white in my art, my writing allows me to color this white page with the fruits of my moments.

This moment… I am particularly grateful for. So I aim to take as many moments as I can and offer the opportunity for people to come and join me in taking moments. We can all sit together if you’d like. I would like that.

Talk soon,

B-