#SundayStories Finding myself… back here.

Oh wow. Have I been through a quiet storm this week.

Quiet only in the sense that it has worked like wildfire –

slowly and silently measuring the environment

until the time was right for everything to burn away.

 

 

They catch everything. The embers.

And you?

Watch as the branches fall and trunks

go up in flames.

 

 

Watch as the smoke billows and wonder

will you see anything through that smoke.

Will it ever clear?

 

 

Behind that is a mirror.

 

 

Ashes and dust.

I can’t see myself.

But I know I’m not there.

 

 

Maybe everything was burning up.

 

 

So I let it rain down on me.

Please. I have nothing.

 

 

A blank slate, a blessing in disguise.

Hand me a cloth.

Mop it up or let it soak

into the ground.

 

 

Water builds a good foundation.

A strong foundation. Fertile. Ripe

with tears.

Is this something for you or something

for me?

 

 

The dust settles down. But the smoke

rises up.

Which is the essence? The matter?

Which do we worship?

 

My god the ashes. They are everything that ceases to be.

But the smoke? Is everything that lives on.

 

 

Wishing you all a restful and peaceful Sunday. Sending out a hug today for everyone who needs it. Especially because I know I could do with a few in return.

Talk soon,

B-

 

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#SundayStories FRiNGE FRiNGE FRiNGE FRiNGE

I believe people should be able to go where they please. 

As a human race, we are all just renting space on this Earth,

so who are you to tell me, where I can and can’t live?

I want to be able to go where my heart desires and stay

for as long as I want.

What am I supposed to do when my time is up

and I have to leave the place I call home?

Home is not about where your passport is from.

Home is a feeling.

And I should be able to decide where my home is.

Not people who sit behind a desk in an office

making decisions about people’s lives as if we’re

just numbers.

If I want to go somewhere and build my home life,

I should be free

to do so.

How did humans become the landlords of the Earth?

Thank you Limerick Fringe for programming RAVENOUS. I knew I wasn’t done with this piece yet. Thank you Gary Clarke for an amazing summer experience where I had the opportunity to dance for my soul.

Thank you to the people who performed RAVENOUS with me, for sharing the journey and for listening to me cry as I read this aloud to you.

Thank you most humbly to everyone who exchanged their humanity with me through watching me perform this piece, and this solo.

And thank you, Universe, for creating a place that makes me feel like home.

Talk soon,

B-

#SundayStories Oh mannnn if you’re facing your fears then why are you still scared?

My mirror is smudged.

Can I see it anymore?

Nobody sees in me what I know is in me. Nobody wants to help me make it.

Write about my work?

What is that world –> PRESENCE

Feeling, Sensation -??

Judgement- Language

So language – I want to take a back seat to feeling and sensation.

So everything – defined by language – is a judgement.

A statement or decision about something.

Define judgement: Judgement?

How can we describe something without

Does everybody think this much? Feel crazy inside?

Reality. What does reality even mean? The outer life. The inner life. The innard life.

The peace that comes with April 1st was soooo welcomed this morning.

Have I stopped listening? So what happens when we stop listening?

Sometimes I feel tortured.

YES

Is it true that I feel a slave to my mind?

Is it true that my friends don’t care about me? Is it true taht I don’t know what I want? Is it true that I’m wasting my time? Is it true that there’s no money for me? Is it true? Is it true that I don’t know myself? Is it true that I am afraid of people? Is it true that I am not confident? Is it true? Is it true that I’m not going to fit in here? Is it true that I’m broke?

Because I am afraid it is true. Is it true?

I feel so sensitive about things and what people say to me.

Inside myself is fear and self-sabotage that I want to release. And replace with growth in what I really know.

I am brilliant.

#SundayStories Trust and Allow

March is coming to an end. I listen to this podcast and it’s called Tarot for the Wild Soul. It’s amazing and every month she puts up a Monthly Medicine reading, with a mantra for the month. March is trust and allow.

This month has been wild. But there is something that is coming back to me. A feeling that I had when I was a kid that I am so happy to be reconnected with. Do you ever get this feeling… basically like a realization coupled with complete excitement. A realization that you have absolutely NO idea what could be coming around the corner and then just like being completely enthralled because that means that ANYTHING could happen. A positive take on the unknown really… I always used to feel like this when I was young. I just used to sit there and thing oh my goodness anything could happy in the next minute… literally anything because I can’t predict or control it.

This brings me back to trust and allow. Because I think for the longest time, out of fear of myself and other things. A lot of fear actually. I was on control and construct. Basically thinking that if I could just get a handle on my life I could control it and make it what I wanted it to be. Could I have been more wrong? LOL I don’t know. But it is actually so far away from what makes me feel like myself that I have to stop. This month’s mantra of trust and allow has really helped me to see that because it’s just another situation in the face of duality. We can either be afraid or enthralled. We face the unknown every day. Artists in particular have to face the unknown in many ways because of a general willingness to let the balls juggle in the air before settling.

So I will always have to face the unknown right? We all will really. In the micro-sense and the macro-sense. We just do not know what will happen in our lives next year or even in the next second (there is a catch I think … more on that later). So if that is the case then I am facing the unknown and calling it life. In this life I can choose to face that and to trust and allow it to come or to control it and construct it. I choose trust and allow now. I can be afraid of what that means or I can be completely excited by the fact that it actually means ANYTHING.

I used to do this naturally. I would get so excited about the fact that I actually had no idea how brilliant this life could be that I would get tears in my eyes. And it would happen to me so much that I feel like it happened all the time when I look back on my childhood haha1 So now I just think that it’s time for me to embrace that again because I can feel it coming back. Here’s the catch – to be able to be aware of this stuff I think you just have to be here right now. Otherwise if I let myself drift away from right now, then perhaps I can use that drifting to control what happens in the next moment.

This past week I have been slowly making the shift. There is a voice inside us all – our soul’s voice right? And they are constantly whispering waiting for us to listen. I started listening this week. Once every day I have had something come through and I have done something differently to what I had planned. That is what happened in simplest form. But the crazy thing is the way I felt when I followed what I heard. Never have I felt so calm or sure that what I was doing was the right thing for me to be doing. Monday I found myself in Brooklyn at 12 pm taking class at Mark Morris Dance Group when what I had planned to do was sit on my computer and work for the afternoon and then take class at 630 pm. Well I couldn’t have been more wrong about that and so when I had a minute to listen I was called to follow a different plan.

Then I was able to go to Top of the Rock with my love and her family. Because I was already in the city. The day just happened, just like that. And it was a brilliant day!

So there was something about that, that has reconnected me with how freaking exciting it actually is that we have no idea what’s coming around the corner. So don’t get to caught up in planning because it just takes up space in our now. If I think about it, why would I fill my right now with yesterday and tomorrow?

Would you, if you had the choice?

Talk soon,

B-

#SundayStories Healing Wounds and Soul Awakenings

Healing wounds

The moon cycles are so interesting. They are so powerful and I really feel like they affect me a lot. Actually I know they do. Yesterday’s new moon has got me EXHAUSTED. This whole week has been filled with random crying just like… crying about things that happened years ago. And whenever I have silent time my mind is filled with floating thoughts of events passed. It’s wild to think about all of these things again because I haven’t in so long. They have come back. But actually what I feel they have done… looking back on it anyway… is that they have always been there and they have come to say hello/goodbye now. Some things happen in life and we just don’t get closure. We don’t process them for whatever reason.

Well me anyway. I always have to remind myself to just talk about me. Because I know me (most of the time haha!). Anyway I really feel like in my early life – especially childhood and teenage years, I just kept on going no matter what. Pushed through everything and kept plugging away. But as I was doing that there were scars that were forming and wounds that were left slightly unhealed because my attention was elsewhere.

I remember reading recently that your greatest asset is your attention. I really really like that. I really like that. There is something so true about it. Knowing where my attention goes – not only being aware of it but directing it, is my greatest power that I have to participate in my life. I was going to write to control where my life goes. But I just don’t believe that we control where our lives go anymore.

 

I think I used to think that. Growing up I remember always thinking that I had to make sure that my life was a certain way and the responsibility felt on me to make my life happen. But now I know that my life is all around me and especially inside of me. It is happening whether I participate or not. So when I read that my attention is my greatest asset I just thought.. wow. I love that.

But what I do so myself sometimes is this I realize or learn something new and then I immediately am flooded with guilt/anger/shaming about all of the time that has passed that I hadn’t known or realized this thing.

In the process of learning about my attention however… it happened a little differently. I started to think about all of the things that have happened in my life where I have been hurt, both emotionally, physically and on a spiritual/soul level. They started to say hello. And in this process of introducing/re-introducing themselves to me I felt a lot more than the typical guilt/anger/shame. I am realizing now that it is because I actually paid attention to what was coming through.

I have been upset over something that happened to me just over 5 years ago. In the background I have been upset about it and my body has been traumatized by it and it has been given no attention. This week I had a lot of attention to spend on this particular thing because it came back to me so strongly.

You know when you realize that fear is holding you back from something? Well when I realized that in this particular instance, I also realized that my way of coping was to try and do anything else that I could to make myself feel good. Anything else but pay attention to the pain and the hurt and also to the actual matter and if there was anything I can still do about it.

This time I feel a bit different. This time I am grateful for that realization and for placing my attention where it was being lead.

It’s such a tricky thing with the mind. Because it’s hard to know where the thoughts are coming from and so which to pay attention to and which to let float by. This week though, I paid attention and honestly I feel so FLIPPING relieved that maybe I am starting to figure out how to listen that voice inside my belly.

I imagine my soul as a big yellow globe; fiery and gaseous and rich with particles of light. It resides in my solar plexus. There is a voice box there. That is the voice I want to listen to. When those words reach  my brain I must listen.

Something like this. Working on it though.

Soul awakenings 

See that flag up there – my soul was awakened when I landed on the Emerald Isle over 6 years ago for the first time. Something in me, that voice that comes from my yellow fiery, gaseous, rich, soul particles reminded me that I am home. In a past life I lived there. That’s maybe what I think of it now.

Either way the feeling I have being over in Ireland is like no other. Yesterday was a big day. The new moon, on a holiday to celebrate my soul home’s heritage, reminded me that belonging is defined by what’s within you. Not what falls outside of everything that you have inside. The moon was healing. My soul is speaking and my wounds are closing up. Slowly but surely.

This year man… it has been crazy for me. I wonder how it has been for other people. But I have a feeling that we all have a little bit of something similar going on inside. The particles between us all must be related in some way.

Talk soon,

B-