For You Uncle Tommy

The first sentence is always the hardest. But then I heard Uncle Tommy in my ear saying… Well that’s your first f#$%#ing sentence then. Move on…

 

Yesterday we wore blue for you. You wore blue too. That felt special.

 

There just simply aren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe and honor a life, especially one as great as yours, but there may be a few words I could share about love that might express what we could all feel in the room whenever you’d walk in. And what we all felt yesterday from every single person who walked through those doors.

 

When I was thirteen you took me shopping for my birthday and said I could pick out anything I wanted. I had no idea what to do with that offer. I was so amazed and in shock and completely awkward (braces and all) that I just didn’t even know what i wanted. You told me – whatever I want. I couldn’t handle it. So you said okay I’ll spend 500 dollars. I couldn’t even do that. But we managed. Because you encouraged me. Like you have been my whole life. You encouraged me to let you love me.

 

The fact that someone could love me so much to see the infinite possibilities was something that I couldn’t comprehend until I got older. Because I learned, and I realized that I could see those possibilities in so many people and that You, Uncle Tommy, were the one who saw that in me. Always. So I could have spent a million dollars that day and if you had it you’d have spent it on me because that is what you do – you see the possibilities and you work hard to make them happen. You see the potential in people and you get involved to be a part of their journey. You feel love for a person and you never, ever, ever stop loving them. You Uncle Tommy, are a true example of unconditional love.

 

To let myself be loved by you has been one of the most beautiful, humbling, inspiring and fulfilling journeys in this life so far. And I know I am not the only one who feels this way. Because I look at our beautiful family, I look your beautiful children and I know that there’s not a single one of us who would ever deny the love they felt from you and how much of an impact your presence has made on them.

 

I want to tell everyone about the ways that I already know you are watching over us like our biggest, bravest and most caring guardian angel. But I know now, after seeing and feeling the love pouring out right back at you, that I don’t have to. Because every single person you love is going to get to experience you watching over them. That’s how special and powerful you are. That I have no doubts you will continue to be there for all of us. I will say though – thanks for fixing my computer because I thought that I broke it. I didn’t know you were so good with technology.

 

May you build the most beautiful mansion in the sky for yourself and have peace in that beautiful heart of yours. Nobody deserves that more than you. Today and everyday of my life I salute you Uncle Tommy and I hope that everyone will join me in sending a thought of love and respect up to my uncle whenever you think of him or feel him.

 

I just want you to know that everyone who meets you, loves you, exactly as you are. And I know you’ll understand what I mean because this is exactly what you do for all of us.

 

Love always,

Your BB

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Always be mindful of your ability to fly.

My blood is flowing with hot chocolate. Is hot chocolate an acceptable coping mechanism?

I wonder that. It makes me feel cozy. It makes me feel warm and it tastes delicious. It reminds me of being a child and it feels like something that you can look forward to.

It can be served alone or with other things. But it just stands perfectly on its own.

 

I like that.

 

I haven’t been writing lately and I think that’s because I don’t want to write the stuff of emotions and half thoughts. A lot of things have been happening in my life and I haven’t had time to reflect on them. Still haven’t…

But the desire to write is burning within me just like a campfire. It is something that needs to be fed with oxygen yet lately I feel as though I can’t breathe.

So maybe that’s why I don’t write.

We all have lessons we need to learn about ourselves in our lives – right? That’s what I think anyway. And I feel that I am learning lesson after lesson these past few months but not realizing just yet what exactly I have learned. I like to share the stuff of reflection through my fingertips. That’s why I don’t write these days.

This time can be a difficult time for many of us. As much as it can also be such an exciting and beautiful time, when we identify with the emotional wave of life then we can expect to have high-highs and low-lows. It’s only natural. You can’t go up and up and up forever. In the same vein you cannot go down and down and down forever either.

On a microscale though – these days of my life – these past few months- have been up and down by the seconds really. Because I realized that I am identifying with the emotional state of life around me.

No need.

 

There is no need.

We, each and everyone of us. And this is something that I REALLY WANT TO TAKE IN AS I WRITE… please universe… (you know I write these things for me right? I really write these things down because I need to share my stories so I can learn)

So I get caught up in little tiny things – the way another person is feeling, the way someone looked at me, the way a comment in passing made me feel. And then because of that I will go and seek out someone who is super happy to be around, someone who loves me to look at me. Or that same person to comment and just make me feel great.

Well sometimes in life you have to let go of those things. The good ones – right … Sometimes in life you have to let go of those good influences in your life because they either leave, or cannot be with you for good reasons, or pass away. These things happen.

And we have to accept. I have to accept and try my best. But in doing so I realize – if I can learn to cope with letting go of the most beautiful things in this life, for good reason of course (no self-sabotage here please), then why can’t I just let go of the opposite side of the coin?

They are not necessarily the “Bad” things but by default they are in this example because I mentioned letting go of the good things.

The point is – we can fly my friends.

Things are holding us down – good or bad they are all the same. The only difference is how they make us feel. We don’t have to identify so much with our feelings if we can just learn to accept that they will cycle through our lives for our ENTIRE lives… there will never be an end to that because this is how emotions flow. And emotions bring energy. We don’t have to identify with any of that.

So snip those ties and let them fall away. Because what’s left is that you will be able to rise above. Not to be above anyone else, but just to realize that within your own self there is a piece of magic that is always there. Never going anywhere.

And neither are the things/places/people you might detach from/identify with. It’s not to say you cannot have things and places and people in your life. What I’m learning is that all of these things will exist no matter what, but I choose how I see them and I choose how I identify with them. I may detach from family in my own ways but love them just the same. Detaching from the identity I have been given as a child allows me to come back to them as myself and see their love for what it is. Well it almost does lol but that is the hope. I’m learning. You can still be here but not have to be so attached to things that you don’t identify with anymore. Let the things go – if the good things can go and you can survive – let the other things go and you can be free.

 

In this time of wildness – both beauty and grace and pressure and haste – we can choose to snip those ties and to be here enjoying the waves but not surfing them.

I don’t like to surf. I never have. Some people do. Think about it – if you are not meant to be a surfer it’s okay. Because you can still fly. We all can. Every single one of us. Just remember that there are things that are for you in this world and things that aren’t because they are for someone else.

It’s not easy at all some times. Especially around these holiday times. A friend said this to me – “lots of forced family time”. It is true. Many of us come together with our families and it doesn’t always feel harmonious. The harmony lives within each and every one of us though.

A harmony is created by many singing different notes. Different. Notes. Not the same.

 

So the message is this – never be afraid to sing your own note.

 

And always be mindful of your ability to fly. Sever those ties and allow yourself to be free.

 

Happy Holidays with much love,

B-

the air is real

On Friday I was given the gift of sight. Seeing. To see.

Really seeing things. Things that exist whether I see them or not you know? But what happened was … I learned how to really see them. I didn’t realize how blurry daily life can be until I took a moment to really see.

What incited this? Breathing. As I took a moment in my favorite place, I allowed my breath to fill me. Not my breath, just breath simply. Oxygen. Can we own our breath? Or is it always borrowed?

I was breathing. Take me back to my breath. As I did that I realized – the air is real. The air is just as real as everything else is. Everything that we can see is as real as air. Everything that we can feel is as real as what we can see. If I need air to live then it must be real.

So if it is, then I am doing a disservice to it’s existence by not seeing it. Now I didn’t realize this at the time, but that’s the beauty of this writing. Its reflective in nature.

I opened my eyes, after no more than a minute of silence, breath and awareness. And I could see EVERYTHING. So clearly. Because I could see the air. And how air defines the edges of everything else that exists in the world around us.

Everything is real and everything is an illusion. I think that’s the way it works.

Just because you can’t “see something” doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. That experience, through breath and clear sight, has brought me back here.

Because I was reminded of how beautiful the feeling is when I sit here writing to my community in the air. I cannot see you but I know you exist. And you exist fully, as a whole self, a whole life. Defined by boundaries with things that we can and cannot “see”.

It makes me feel brave again. It makes me want to share again. Without the blur.

Talk soon,

B-

#SundayStories Finding myself… back here.

Oh wow. Have I been through a quiet storm this week.

Quiet only in the sense that it has worked like wildfire –

slowly and silently measuring the environment

until the time was right for everything to burn away.

 

 

They catch everything. The embers.

And you?

Watch as the branches fall and trunks

go up in flames.

 

 

Watch as the smoke billows and wonder

will you see anything through that smoke.

Will it ever clear?

 

 

Behind that is a mirror.

 

 

Ashes and dust.

I can’t see myself.

But I know I’m not there.

 

 

Maybe everything was burning up.

 

 

So I let it rain down on me.

Please. I have nothing.

 

 

A blank slate, a blessing in disguise.

Hand me a cloth.

Mop it up or let it soak

into the ground.

 

 

Water builds a good foundation.

A strong foundation. Fertile. Ripe

with tears.

Is this something for you or something

for me?

 

 

The dust settles down. But the smoke

rises up.

Which is the essence? The matter?

Which do we worship?

 

My god the ashes. They are everything that ceases to be.

But the smoke? Is everything that lives on.

 

 

Wishing you all a restful and peaceful Sunday. Sending out a hug today for everyone who needs it. Especially because I know I could do with a few in return.

Talk soon,

B-

 

#SundayStories FRiNGE FRiNGE FRiNGE FRiNGE

I believe people should be able to go where they please. 

As a human race, we are all just renting space on this Earth,

so who are you to tell me, where I can and can’t live?

I want to be able to go where my heart desires and stay

for as long as I want.

What am I supposed to do when my time is up

and I have to leave the place I call home?

Home is not about where your passport is from.

Home is a feeling.

And I should be able to decide where my home is.

Not people who sit behind a desk in an office

making decisions about people’s lives as if we’re

just numbers.

If I want to go somewhere and build my home life,

I should be free

to do so.

How did humans become the landlords of the Earth?

Thank you Limerick Fringe for programming RAVENOUS. I knew I wasn’t done with this piece yet. Thank you Gary Clarke for an amazing summer experience where I had the opportunity to dance for my soul.

Thank you to the people who performed RAVENOUS with me, for sharing the journey and for listening to me cry as I read this aloud to you.

Thank you most humbly to everyone who exchanged their humanity with me through watching me perform this piece, and this solo.

And thank you, Universe, for creating a place that makes me feel like home.

Talk soon,

B-