I am enough.

Okay honestly I think I’m about to spew what feels like decades of words on to this page. It’s really wild that it has only hit me lastnight/this morning how much information there is out there. That we are basically born into an information overload. Billions of temptations of things to learn, to experience, to know.

 

This is the time where I want to shut my mind off and let the words that are radiating at my fingertips come out. What I also realized is this – total duh moment for me maybe – or maybe I’m just judging myself and it’s not actually that much of a duh… but here it is – I realized that we are actually BORN as a wealth of information. We are born a wealth of information.

So yes there is a wealth of information in the universe and maybe I am caught up in having to know as much of that information as I can. Maybe? I have been. Totally caught up in everything outside of myself as if knowing all of that would help me to know myself better. It is a disease of being addicted to learning and consuming information. Hold on I need some music.

Something has to occupy my conscious mind so that I can let these words come out. DO you ever notice that about yourself? I choreograph my classes while I’m driving… dangerous? I’m not sure hahaha but I do it because basically my subconscious can be free to be creative while my conscious mind is focused on driving.

Is it possible to separate them in everything we do? Is it necessary? I find that I do it because they don’t quite go together yet. I bet they did. Have this knowing that when we were all born the consciousness was one. Not conscious and subconscious. But just a pure beautiful consciousness and expression of that through our human inheritance – love and abundance. How FLIPPING beautiful is that take me back.

 

Do you ever wonder what’s in there? I totally do. One because I know that there is so much in there that is basically a treasure chest to being able to live out my life the way I was designed to. And TWO because now I also know that nurture has influenced a lot of what has also been imprinted on to my subconscious. Whereas my print was … well no. I’m correcting myself as I write because this music is not engaging me HAHAH no B. No excuses.

Anyway back to this … We aren’t born blank slates. But we also are. We are not blank but we are pure. Clear – born with our imprint and the imprint is clean and it is full of potential for expression.

I’m still hurt by things that happened years ago. I still feel a bit unwell when I think about things that made me sick when I was younger. I still cringe when I think about embarrassing things that happened to me when I was a kid. And the one that affects me the most – I still feel angry when I think back to times when I was silenced. How could I possibly get caught up in the illusion that everything I need to know is outside of myself?

I have been mocking MYSELF through saying things like – how can people study all these things outside of themselves with the aim of mastering them if they don’t master themselves? HELLO BEEZY PICK UP THE SELF-MASTERY PHONE ITS BEEN RINGING OFF THE HOOOKKKKKKK.

Not many call me Beezy anymore. I gave that nickname to myself… people judged me for it but honestly here’s the story – when people become familiar to me they get nicknames and I cant help it. The nickname just comes out – it’s my way of showing love and of including them into my inner circle kind of thing. So … I like to think that at that point when I started calling myself Beezy I was beginning to feel a sense of familiarity with myself. I remember it happening some time around the first time I moved to Ireland.

Ironic? I think not. I haven’t called myself that in a while but I use it when I speak to myself in my writing. Ironic? I think not.

I read these things that say … do what makes you happy… follow what lights you up… follow your bliss… okay.

Back then – when Beezy first arrived on the scene – here was my list of my favorite things:

Hugs

Laughing

Love

Jumping

Kisses

 

TA-DA! lolol Absolutely phenomenal. Still love those things. Plus these things light me up:

Flowers

Nature

Babies

Painting

Writing

Deep conversations

A nice hot drink (hot chocolate is not the only one believe it or not lol)

Walking

Meeting new people

Creating, making things

 

I’m still working on this list – because I am building my life with those things. I always have been you know? You probably have too… but I think we get caught up. I got caught up …. so so so caught up I was for about 10 years to be honest. The hammer came down and I started to question everything – “Was this person right when she said that I shouldn’t go to the beach tomorrow because it’s probably going to rain? Was she right when she said I better make sure that I call this person or call that person? Was that person right when he said that there was no point in getting that degree if I was just going to go and dance? Was this person right when she said I need to make sure I get a good job so I can get social security and benefits? Was that person right when she said I should probably just quit dancing because I come home crying so I must not even like it? Was this person right when he said money was made to be spent? Was he right when he said … when will I get to the point where I decide okay enough is enough? Was this person right when he said that no matter what you just need to have one person by your side who loves you? That you never want to get to a point where you realize you are all alone? Was this person right when she said – just go BB just go and get out of here do what you want? Was this person right when she said don’t set yourself up? Or do what makes you happy? Was everybody right when they said you know we do all of this because we love you?  How did all these people influence me?”

It’s wild really but here I am. Last year this time right … I was SO down. So so down. I couldn’t look down any further I was so down. I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me and my life. I was blown away by how I felt because it felt like the culmination of some huge weight that was crashing down on me because I’d been holding it up for so long. When it crashed – I nearly lost my mind. I was borderline going insane trying to make a decision – a decision to run back to the life I had left behind or to stay and see what was being revealed to me through my pain.

I stayed. I figured out how to be with myself. By myself. And really be with myself. A year later I am figuring out how to be with everyone else and still be with myself. This is not easy sh*t people lol am I right?! But I am glad that I have figured out some of it.

 

Also I want to DO more I mean seriously I get sick of myself in my head so… and here is another thing I am done with – I wish I caught on to this with the whole Lent thing hahaha because I’d LOVEEE to completely eliminate the use of the word just from my vocabulary.

Scarcity mindset = despair = I JUST want to have xyz … I JUST want to feel xyz.

Baiiiiiiiiiii.

 

Do more. Do more beezy. This is what I keep saying to myself until I do it. Is it okay to say JUST do it? Not sure. But I make the rules so I suppose I will say it.

 

Just do it B.

If you want to do something then do it. If you want to be something declare it. If you want to see something then believe it. If you want to feel something then say it. We are pure creation.

How the hell did we get here? If you ever think about that and your connection to how you believe we got here – I have realized that no matter what you believe the story is something to do with being created by something or someone else whom we have never actually met. We just appeared.

 

Now I know biologically how babies are made but I’m talking the entire human race ya know? All of the living things on this wild planet – we were CREATED. Even babies – are created… grown… nurtured.

We are pure creation so let’s create then. If I don’t like what I am creating – I can create something else. But create is a verb right …. so that means you have to do something. But not do something so that you can be something. Do something so you can express what you already are. Do to be… not become. You already are. I already am. Enough.

I declare it. I am enough.

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

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Learning vs transforming

I went for a walk today and it took me a lot of time to convince myself to get out there. But once I did it was like someone let the lid off a steaming pot of word stew because I went OFF. Couldn’t stop talking to my pals in the universe.

I knew I was also going to be writing today because I visualized my day and writing was a part of it. But as I was walking to my sacred space, I admitted that I had no idea what I was going to write today. I also admit that as these words come from my finger tips I still have no idea what I am going to write.

 

So what is an idea then? Conscious or unconscious? Subconscious.

This is what I want to ponder. I made time for pondering last week – 2 hours in the studio. It felt like SUCH a luxury. So I will do it again this week. And I will do it every week – the cost of it will replace the cost of what I was spending previously to do something else dance related.

It makes sense.

Logic is conscious. This is what I think – Logic is conscious and feeling is subconscious.

It’s not only what I think – I have been influenced heavily by a talk I listened to today by the beautiful Marisa Peer.

So she mentioned something about the subconscious mind being the feeling mind.

It stuck. Learning versus transformation – learning is momentary while transformation is forever.

Here is the thing – I think about owning the learning. That is transformation. I spent the past 6 years learning. Now I feel I am transforming. And for this… I am grateful.

I have so many thoughts in a day you see – and I use to just let them go like crazy. But now I am taking charge of them. I am guiding them toward what I want the inner landscape of my mind to be filled with.

So I love everyone. I literally love everyone around me. I always have, but it has happened again – what I used to feel when I was a child. I watched American Idol this evening, first of all… I know someone who would LITERALLY WIN OVER THE HEARTS OF MILLIONS if she got on this show. I don’t know if you can do it if you aren’t from the USA but honestly – if you are reading this… you are a star.

I loved EVERY single person they showed on the show. Like genuinely loved them, just feel like I am in love with humanity again. I want that. I want that in my life because I want to receive that back and I want to make that contribution. It’s just like this – what kind of a contribution do you want to make to the collective energy?

I always think about that – except now I really feel like I understand what it means to act upon what I wish my contribution to be.

It really means cutting out a LOT of bullspit. A lot. A lot of it coming from old thought patterns and habits, wrong beliefs and limited beliefs, victimizing myself in my life, being around people who make me feel less than amazing… so many things.

Life is short. Eat the sprinkles. I wrote this tonight on instagram… but honestly – its like.. if everything in my life isn’t the sprinkles then what can I do about it?

I used to say to an ex of mine – you always have a choice. I don’t know if we ever agreed but I know she remembered it. It sometimes comes up still. We are friends now yes.

Shout out to my exes honestly – I think they are both amazing people. Simply amazing.

 

So this is what I tell myself:

You always have a choice. You ALWAYS have a choice. Until you don’t.

You can choose what you think. This affects what you see. What you don’t choose is what happens to you when you think something you don’t want to think.

 

I am focusing on being my best self. And I am working towards daydreaming again. When my day dreams are clear then I know what I need to do. Sundays are the best days for being in love with life. But it’s not only Sundays that allow me to feel that way because now I can feel it inside of me. A love for life that I haven’t quite connected with in a while if only for a few moments.

Ireland helped me feel that way more often. Way more often. What a beautiful place with beautiful people.

Sometimes I sit down here to do this and I know I want to write for you. Sometimes I know I want to write for me.

 

Today I just feel like … I want to write. I will say this – I have daydreams about being in some beautiful country home, with a cup of tea and a laptop, writing away till my heart’s content. Passing the hours infinitely through the presence of fingertips to keys.

I feel like my writing is for you as much as it is for me. It’s for us. Because it helps me to feel like I am making the contribution that I want to make to this world.

It’s the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae of my life. On a Sunday. Pondering all the while, wondering if I will ever see anyone I know on American Idol.

Talk soon,

B-

Truth vs reality

Today the first words I spoke were “thank you”.

Then I began to notice that the next four or five times I opened my mouth to speak it was to say thank you or “you’re welcome”.

I walked up to yoga training in absolute reverence for the beauty of those interactions. How lucky am I to have so many things to be thankful for in the first hour of my day.

On my walk I saw a cab completely run over two seagulls. There was a flock of them flying around 9th avenue- I thought that was so beautiful and rare.

The cab completely drove over them as if they weren’t there. I cried for a few blocks as I walked. I kept looking back to see the one seagull who had really been flipped, he was in shock. Just standing there. Neither died, that I know of.

I’m grateful that I allowed myself to be how I felt in that moment.

All too often my vocal chords are sore from holding back tears. Do you ever feel that way? Like your throat hurts – not a sore throat per se but a strained throat.

I felt it this evening while watching Queer Eye on Netflix.

I wonder why I hold myself back from crying. I grew up learning that crying was dramatic and that it didn’t solve any problems, that it only just made things worse for other people if I cried.

It felt so cathartic though to cry over the birds. It feels like a release of trauma. So trauma doesn’t turn into ama – unresolved.

The truth does not always set one free. Holding back the truth of the moment never sets one free. So if you can’t let out the truth of the moment what do you do?

Find gratitude hunnayyyy.

Well this is what I discovered today – even if something is true that doesn’t mean it needs to be in my life if i want something better. We don’t have to accept what is true id what is true isn’t what we want out of life. Acknowledge yes. Accept- not my fairy tale. If it’s not what I want, it needs to be replaced.

So I cried over the beautiful birds. I don’t always let myself be in this way.

I want to give myself a voice though. So here is what I have done today – spoken gratitude over the situation that I cannot control. Gratitude for what is and for what I want to perceive. Learning to believe it until I see it. Creating my reality based on the possibilities of what I can imagine. Sometimes what already exists – the “truth” is not what we want to be our truth. So …byeeeeeeee… ya know ?

Giving myself my own truths. Speak upon them until they appear.

Many many things have arisen today. But what I keep coming back to is this – what happens if the first words we all spoke everyday were – Thank You.

Sincerely,

B

The letter after the fire

Sometimes I just want to write shit down and then burn it. I really should start doing that. Because writing is really how I express myself.

But I think about this platform – and how grateful I am to have this connection to the universe through cyber space -and I say to myself – I don’t want to take advantage of it by just complaining about all of my bullspit on here.

We need to express ourselves and also to vent. Venting is not self expression. Not to me anyway. So I want to keep this place as a place to express myself.

But where do I vent? I want to write some letters and burn them. That’s what I want to do.

This though – is the letter that I want to be inscribed with my name, the letter that reflects who I am becoming, this is the letter after the fire:

To Whom It May Concern (of whom there are many),

I forgive you for the pain that you have caused me. I forgive myself for letting your words, your actions, your energy, your vibrations, become a part of the fabric of mine. I have to say, it hurt me a lot to hear what you said, to feel what you gave off, to be in your presence at that time and there is a part of me that was holding on to that.

There was a part of me that was identifying myself in the experience of what we had together in those moments of pain. Holding on to those moments because the alternative was letting go, which was something I didn’t yet know how to do.

A feeling like hatred (though I’m not quite sure what this actually feels like) crossed my mind and heart, anger and resentment, along with severe disdain for the moments that impacted my life without my consent. The experiences that were handed to me through no choice of my own. The decisions made for me, the situations I was put in by being around an energy like yours, that is not mine but equally impacted mine as much as my own did because I didn’t know any different.

I let go of the idea that you did this to me. You didn’t do anything to me, I allowed myself to be affected by the things that happened. But sometimes I just want to shout from the rooftops how unfair it feels to realize this when it’s all too late.

Which is why I choose to let go. I choose to forgive. Not for you… but for me.

It is not my problem how you feel about me and my choices, no matter the circumstance. I stand in that power and I stand in that truth now. I choose to let go because the alternative keeps me away from the present.

And I’d like to share what is present for me right now – I am working through some tough shit.

I am doing the inner work, every single day. I am learning to love myself again, to talk to myself in an empowering way. To say to myself on a daily basis that I am supported, that I am incredible, that I can achieve anything I want because I am connected.

To combat what I have heard and what I have felt up until this point… this is the work I am doing now. It doesn’t have time for me to have petty conversations with myself or anyone else about what could have been if I would have known better or about what could possibly happen in your presence going forward.

I stand in my power now. Knowing that letting go and forgiving is the best thing I can do for myself today and every day.

I forgive you. You didn’t know. I forgive me. I didn’t know. Sometimes I still feel anger inside but I am grateful for this reminder because it only allows me to go deeper in this work. The work of being human.

The work of realizing that the limitation is this – we cannot change anything that has passed, but we can create our reality which creates our future. My reality has more of me in it than anyone or anything else. So simple and so obvious isn’t it? Well, that is news to me and it is the best news I have heard in a while.

I wish you love and peace, as I loosen the grip, cut the ties and wrap them around my own heart, holding myself up as it should be.

Sincerely,

B

Stories I am letting go of

Life is meant to be free – it really really is. It’s wild to think about and that’s because its so unknown. What is freedom? What is a free spirit?

 

We all are. That is what we were born to be, but how do we actually live that reality? By simply not knowing and knowing all at once. Knowing that it’s true and living in that truth but not knowing how to do it is how we do it.

Embracing the unknown. Damn I am really working on that so much these days.

And you know what I am realizing? Basically I have taken on many many fairy tales to quench my fear of the unknown. So I have basically allowed chapters of my story and full story books to be written based in and around falsities. Not lies, just things that I feel I should be doing or portraying based on my supposed identity in society.

I want to let go of these stories. Just toss them up in to the air and let them explode into energy that can be free to turn into something else.

The fairy tale that allows me to stay stuck in fear basically because of another fear – has to go.

 

It’s one of two things people… this is what I’m figuring out for myself – it’s either

 

Fear of not living up to the fairy tales we associate with, the identity that we are supposed to assume.

OR

Fear of the unknown.

 

Fear of not living up to these tales – means that we can predict for the most part the different ways that this outcome could lie. SO basically I can either live up to it, or not at all or somewhere in between – most of which are all outcomes I can imagine. So if I can imagine it then it is possible.

 

WHY now…. this is what I am asking myself – WHY would I want to spend all of my time trying to live out possibilities of a FAIRY TALE that I DON’T EVEN TRULY SUBSCRIBE TO just because I am afraid that something ABSOLUTELY incredible and unpredictable yet perfectly perfect could happen within the fear of the unknown?

 

Because the risk is HUGE – in the fear of the unknown – the possibilities are INFINITE – infinite possibilities that could be considered “good” but equally infinite possibilities that could be considered “bad”.

 

So I’ll just stick to the fairy tale of Bianca Paige Smith – the dancer – who pretends that she has the same training background as everyone else yet when things don’t happen as effortlessly as they appear to be happening for people around me I know why – because she just started learning to understand her body in that way as an adult (3 years ago really) NOT 25 years ago like she pretends to portray. – NOTTTT- this is a story I am letting go of – because within it I can imagine all of the possibilities of that but that keeps me STUCK in comparison and trying to be somewhere that I am not (yet) and it keeps me from embracing what is already a part of me.

Or Bianca Paige Smith – the dancer who could… but always has the excuse of her having surgery that left her with a right calf muscle that she can and can’t feel depending on the activity – and so that excuse prevents her from trying her best and is literally a crutch in her life. But it’s okay because at least she has that to lean back on when the self-loathing comes in about not being where she wants to be. NOOOOOOOOO thank you. As I type that I am like come on B… you know that if you want to embrace what’s within you, you have to just let these stories go. Your body is amazing and can really recover from anything, can do anything, and you are doing it. So go out there and do your dance… and if you fall out of things, your leg is getting stronger.

 

It’s a fear. It is a fear because the story of perfectionism has littered my life. And left me with the biggest headline of all

” I am not good enough”

because I have been chasing perfection my whole life.

 

The unknown is where I want to be – oh mannnn I could cry when I think about how amazing it could be. The possibilities are ENDLESS.

 

And this fairy tale – I am the perfect child, I am the one who keeps everyone happy, brings everyone together, born first, my job is to make sure everyone is okay – call everyone, visit the elders, host holidays.

 

WHO TELLS ME THIS STUFF – well I struggle – because I know a lot of it is learned through years of my life and also the rest is what happens when I internalize it all.

It is all me right now – and here is the thing I wish for myself above all – this is the story I want

 

Bianca Paige Smith – a free spirit of the world who has learned the skills of acceptance, forgiveness and letting go. An artist by nature, a human being whose energy reflects peace and openness. Her heart is open, she expresses herself through many artistic mediums, dance being one of them, where she is doing her best to embrace the possibilities of what she does not yet know. She does her best, she lives and loves unconditionally and she is her number one biggest supporter.

This is my clear vision. My dream.

Diving deep into the unknown. Ditching the pretending. Ditching the excuses.

 

The news is out – the headlines are in –

Bianca Paige Smith – YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

 

And so are you – if you are reading this – you are a free spirit. Dive into the unknown – we are meant to not know, that is why we are here.

Talk soon,

 

B-