Face to face

When we learn to face our fears, we learn to observe our thoughts and feelings but not be ruled by them.

Madisyn Taylor of Daily Om – I get their newsletter and so I get a daily inspiration from Madisyn everyday. She uses amazing photographs by the way. You could subscribe to DailyOm.com if you ever wanted to see what I’m talking about.

Another freewrite is in the midst because I am trying to connect with the parts of myself that really want to be heard you know? The parts of me that want to write and really write – about what it actually is that is going on inside the vast universe of one human body, only to be enclosed by layers upon layers of what we think we should be – from our clothes to our opinions and beliefs – they all just blanket our universe.

So I decided to face my fears today – I am going to write about this quote above and let my writing be inspired by it. I’m not going to stop because that is the point of a freewrite and I just think that if I do this then maybe things will come out that have been waiting – behind the fears – to come out. Facing my fears seems to be a theme for this year. But what I actually think it is, underneath that mental blanket of fear – is learning to communicate better. Communicating the way I know I can. Starting with speaking my truth and valuing myself. Why is it so hard to value myself? IT’s really a weird thing because I am catching up on all my DailyOM articles this morning, and realizing I didn’t write yesterday – I always write on Sundays- and then immediately start to feel bad about myself inside – I immediately start to go – oh you said you were going to do that why didn’t you? You have to commit to things or else what is the point? Etc etc. So now I am here and I’m like … hmmm I don’t need to be controlled by that.

What is it about these rules that we place on ourselves that actually keep us grounded and small? They are disguised as “safe” and even for me they are disguised as “knowing myself” but really I think it’s just knowing myself in the sense that I created this smaller version of me, that the world could handle – but this is all in my own opinion. Because of what…? You know?

Why did I decide on behalf of myself, before even trying, that certain things had to be a certain way and that I was a certain way or that I am a certain way?

Being the witness in your own mind. It’s a scary thing. Louise Hay – in my meditation – she talks about cleaning out the mental trash so if you want to do that you have to actually look and see what’s there. I think this is similar to being the witness in your own mind. Or observing your thoughts and feelings and not being ruled by them. I let myself be ruled by things and I also let myself feel like it’s because of other people who are important to me. That i have to be a certain way because that’s who and how I am around people who are a part of my life.

But it’s me. Isn’t it always us at the end of the day? Whatever stems in your life that you want to change or that you realize is not right or is actually absolutely perfect – it all comes from you in the end, doesn’t it?

How many thousands of excuses do you think the world’s whispers have carried of people who are simply just afraid of what and who they are? I have contributed so many and I know that now because I want to sit down here and write this shit out for myself and contribute these truths to those whispers.

I am afraid. Afraid of talking about what really matters to me without disguising it as something that “isn’t important” because to other people it isn’t important. Or so I assume. Money for example – Important to everyone right? Well I don’t know. To me it’s getting there. But only because I am starting to see money as value. And value as how we negotiate things in this world. And also realizing that one of the biggest things is that I don’t like to spend money on myself. So if I don’t value money and I don’t spend money on myself – what kind of value to I have for myself?

I work in silence sometimes. But actually the silence is so loud. Full of those whispers. So now I’m thinking – what if I work out loud – speak the things that I want to hear and then where do the whispers go? Surely they go. Eventually they go.

So maybe that’s the next step. Working out loud. So out loud, to whomever I want, today I will speak what I want and what I think. At least once. Now don’t get me wrong – I spend my days doing this as many times as possible. But only in certain aspects of my life. Hiding from what I really want to talk about – which is me. Doesn’t everyone? just really want to talk about themselves? To know yourself is to know everyone else. I really believe that. And it doesn’t mean that you literally know every single other person. It means that to know yourself… in knowing yourself, you can begin to understand what we are as a human race. Knowing yourself you can know one part in a whole. That whole is always in existence. It never exists without one of it’s parts.

So how is that for being important?

Sometimes we need to reflect and sometimes we just need to write.

Talk soon,

B-

 

**PC goes to H+ The Hip Hop Dance Conservatory for this lovely photo.

 

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Inside outside

This is a freewrite exercise because sometimes I just want to write and I want to share things unfiltered but my fear holds me back. So I am going to do it this way today because I have realized that what I want to do with my life is share. I want to share my experiences, my thoughts, I want to do this in order to know myself. In order to be my best self and contribute to this world in the best way that I can so today’s topic is going to be inside outside.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this so maybe its a bit of a cheat to think about this topic now but I want to share it because it’s been liking in my journals for a little bit.

Everything that we do has to come from the inside out and basically I kepr thinking about things that we can and can’t change or control. I feel like it’s our job to know ourselves. It’s my job to know myself  that is my only job here. SO I need to take that seriously. I do not take myself seriously. Do you?

 

I wonder what it takes to do that. I think it’s simple. You just do it right? I think it’s simple. I am even finding this simple task difficult because I know where it’s going. It is living in the internet space. And so basically this is less of a freewrite than my other freewrites have been because I am here on this platform and that is affecting my writing. I want that to stop. In order to be ourselves in this wild place, I need to be unfiltered. NO deleting no changing. But what about thinking before you speak?

What about it? I don’t know. What about thinking before you do … do we have to think before we do everything? What kind of a role does thinking play in life? What kind of a role does thinking play in my life?

Too big. Way too big of a role. We are not our minds. Our minds are not the only thing that make us who we are. What about all those moments where you just know things and you don’t know how you know them because your mind actually didn’t have time to catch up to this ephemeral knowledge that we all have within us.

It seems like magic but magic is actually reality. It is magical that we are here – we do not know where we come from. We have our ideas that we believe in so that we don’t have to take a look at the fact that it is actually completely MAGICAL that we got here. We know how babies are made and born of course. Butttttt we don’t actually know how we as a human race got here. Okay so this might be controversial (here I go trying to back myself up because I am on the interwebs) but honestly we are all human and imperfect in our means so because of that, anything that we can speculate can exist right? Theoretically – so if that’s the case then I can speculate that we got here by some magical means as a human race and potentially that could be what has happened.

We all believe different things. What do I believe? I”m not exactly sure but what I do know is that inside of me is where everything lies. And outside of me is where everything can be taken away in an instant. I had a thought this morning, after a turn of events in my life, that nothing outside of ourselves is actually ours. WE can think that it is, but really it isn’t It’s all completely disposable. So then it can go at any time. What are we left with? Ourselves… and if you don’t know yourself – well that is FLIPPING scary to be with at the end of the day when all of the things are gone right?

My biggest fear sometimes is being alone. Why is that? I just have to admit to myself that it’s because I don’t really know myself and I’m not aware of my own power and what is inside of me. But I am ready for a change now. SO inside – I can do. Inside – I can dream. Inside- I need to know. Inside – I can take action and I should. Outside – I accept. Outside – I work to accept. Outside – I learn to accept. Outside- I just simply accept.

Because inside is where everything lies. And inside is where everything can be molded, discovered, changed, expanded, lived.

Outside all depends on how we see it. And we all see it differently. So when you think about it…

What would you bet on? The sure thing or the mirage?

What would you bet on? The inside where you have all the control and the power because it is there waiting for you to acknowledge it. Or the outside where everything is changeable, depends on how you see it, can be taken away at any given moment because you bet on it instead of yourself.

Hmm. Why is this such a no brainer in writing and in practice it’s literally the biggest bad habit to break – relying on the outside.

I remember something being shared with me once and then reading it again in a book – NO ONE IS COMING*. No one is coming. So that means .. that we can’t wait for our chariot, our prince charming, our knight in shining armor. We are already that. For ourselves.

Time’s up. I’m glad I did this. Talk soon,

B-

 

*Shared with me by Catherine Young from a book called Making Your Life as an Artist by Andrew Simonet.

Lay off the gas

The way that we do things is who we are. The way we approach things is who we are. Something like this. Our humanity comes through in everything we do.

Every single thing. It’s starting to make sense to me. The idea of what a whole self is and what a whole life is. You bring everything about you… with you… in everything you do.

Driving home from Boston today I had a thought about this. There are two ways to regulate your speed. Driving gives me clarity. An opportunity to see whats right in front of me. I either see brake lights or I don’t.

I wondered why I do and don’t like driving behind certain cars. So like I said… there are two ways to regulate your speed.

You can either press on the brake.

Or let off the gas. A little like life.

 

 

 

 

Just like everything we do, we bring our approach.

Talk soon

B-

Receiving … weird.

Did you ever learn that rule about spelling words with i and e in them? I before e except after c…? 

Weird.

^^^ So that rule applies and is supposed to make things easier for us all. Except the word WEIRD is also WEIRD because it it is an exception to the rule.

Receive is a word that has been coming up for me a lot lately. And it is one of those weird words. Follows the weird rule.

But it is also a weird thing.

It’s hard. Does anyone else feel like it’s hard?

But actually it shouldn’t be hard at all. Its definition is simple:

receive- v. to come into possession of: acquire; to act as a receptacle or container for; to assimilate through the mind or senses; to permit to enter; to be given, presented with or paid

So receiving does not imply or require earning, deserving, working for… you just simply are given, you come into possession of, you assimilate, you permit…

So you just have to allow it to happen and you will receive.

Why is that so hard? I watched something this morning that was about receiving and allowing ourselves to receive the help that is already all around us. It sounds so simple and to be honest I’m sure it really is that simple. But I also have experienced what complexities the path to simplicity can take.

I also reflected for a minute and realized that I have built a habit of not allowing myself to receive. Of forcing myself and putting pressure on myself to do everything by myself. To be independent. No relying on anyone because I can do everything by myself.

Then what happens? I have a chip on my shoulder when I see other people expanding their reach and broadening their horizons because two heads are better than one. I get upset because I struggled a lot when maybe I didn’t have to if I would express myself to others or ask for help.

I have this image of a door that I’m standing in front of. It’s locked. Behind it is literally everything that is waiting for me in this life. All the things I desire, the ones that come from the deepest part of who I am- my soul. The things and experiences and people whom are completely in line with my purpose on this Earth. All behind this door.

Around my neck is the key. Are you wearing your key as well?

I want to take a look at myself in the mirror and say “That key is not meant to be worn. Put that key in the door.”

Because I can break this habit. The power is mine to break it or to feed it. To allow myself to receive is to be in line with what is waiting for me. Right? Right.

See that picture up there? That is one of the greatest, purest loves I’ve ever received. My great grandmother. Thank GOD I still have her because I swear she reminds me every day of what it feels like to receive what is meant for you.

I can learn so much from that baby girl up there. Because she couldn’t even reach the door knob. So she needed to let herself receive help and love to keep it open. To let her life be flooded with all the great things in life.

I am taller now. I can open the door. So what’s stopping me? This is my question.

The answer… not sure yet. Weird.

Talk soon

B-

PS. This inspired me today : Showing up for life

It’s not scratch…

So I’m learning about value.

Value – n. – a fair return or equivalent in goods, services or money for something exchanged; relative worth, utility or importance

This is really huge for me. I have this idea about what the USA is. What it’s about. What my life would be like here. I have ideas. I have had them my whole life. But they never felt like my own. They felt like … and still feel like, I have no choice. But I’m realizing that now and that is so powerful to me.

Basically, in 2017 I had to prepare for a big life change. 2018 has brought that change. I knew it was coming and I thought about it. It was hard. It still is hard. Because I realized that before, I had a life with everything I thought I valued. And I feared that I would be leaving behind all the things I value and not be able to have them again.

I am home. Here in Jersey. It’s different here. Before I even came home, I felt suffocated by the fact that it feels like money is so important here. Money is the trump card (pardon the pun if you so choose). I gave myself this idea that I would not be able to have the life I had before. That I would have to start over. Start from scratch.

But then these past two weeks I had to work hard. So flipping hard. In so many ways. The biggest way that I had to work hard was inside. It was inside myself. Realizing a bit about value. And actually realizing what I don’t value.

The truth is that I don’t value my experience enough to believe that I can have what I want now. And the other truth is, that I am so afraid of dying because I fear that I don’t value my life enough to live my best. And so if I died, then I wouldn’t have done it justice. It being life.

Knowledge is power though right? So now that I know these things about myself… Serendipitously I had the opportunity to have a conversation with a special person last night. This person asked me what I want to do and what’s important to me. And I had the opportunity to speak my truth.

I hold myself back a lot from speaking my truth. Inside my head I think “wow I really have a lot to say about that. I know a thing or two about that.” Inside my head I say “I have so much to share. I have learned so much.”

So why don’t I speak up? See above. Being afraid. Fear man… it’s so crippling. But in these past two weeks, I have been thrown into an ocean of fears. And yesterday, I had my time to speak up. Twice.

Aloud, to a room of beautiful souls, I shared my journey to realizing “wholeness”. Along with this, I released the fear of speaking up long enough to realize my wholeness. In front of a room of people, spontaneously I spoke, not realizing that this was what I was going to say. It was waiting there, behind the shields of fear. And of COURSE it was. Geezus haha I am flabbergasted a bit now because it’s like… duhhhhhh of course I am whole. I can’t be partially existing. No human is. But the mind allows us to compartmentalize. This is a dangerous task. So yesterday I realized that over the past two weeks I have had the opportunity to put some pieces together. IN this piecing together I have realized how this is my journey – to uncover my whole self. In the process I will discover what I already know (as I nodded to last week).

So the other thing … about starting from scratch. Nahhhh. Just no. Because what I have realized in recognizing my wholeness, is that I have that, the whole me, no matter where I go and what I do. So it’s not scratch.

I am not starting from scratch. I am here with everything that I am and all that I have lived, proceeding forward with a whole lot more than scratch.

B-

Thank you to the individuals whom I have met in the past two weeks. I’m grateful for the conversations, the energy, the experience, the soul, the life, the opinions, the perspective. 

How simple is simple ?

Okay … I’ve been thinking about this one for a few days now. I don’t feel the same way about it that I even did when I wrote the title. But I will say this – simplicity is layered.

Simplicity is something … that has the purest of intentions, the clearest of executions, but in it’s development, is as fking complex as they come. I mean my god. Whenever you think of something – think of something now… something that you think is simple. Something that you might say oh that looks so effortless.

Can you grasp it?

I’ve got a few things…

A white dress

A black dress

The sand on the beach

A snowflake

Did you ever think about how many colors make up the color white? Every SINGLE color. Every single one of them. Black? Absorption of EVERY SINGLE color. How many grains of sand does it take to make a beach? So many that a number probably can’t even describe them. And a snowflake… well if you ever zoomed in on a snowflake you would see that the symmetry and the unique pattern, as unique as our fingerprints in that every single one is different, their intricacies are infinite.

What about this one? Wow they really make that look easy. 

Have a think about that….

A ballerina

A professional athlete

A musician

A mathematician

What we see is a snapshot in a journey of a lifetime. That’s what we see. It looks easy to us because we can’t possibly imagine or witness the eternities that have been spent on achieving simplicity. This really, and truly, blows me away.

And what blows me away about it the most… is how much I value seeing snapshots in the process where things aren’t so simple yet. What blows me away is seeing a moment of layering, where the intention becomes just that little bit purer or the execution a little bit clearer. What blows me away is realizing that this is what it takes to achieve something that can be simply received and understood as simple.

I mean my god, it actually makes so much sense to me now. In order for something to be delivered in its purest form, it must be known to the nth degree. The process or contents must be completely clear. So how can you expect for something to be simple to you if you don’t practice the hell out of it right?

But here’s my issue… when I was a kid – everything seemed simpler. And I thought it was because I didn’t know as much as I did now. Now… I sincerely question that notion. I think I knew everything that I know now and everything that I will ever know in my life. I knew it then. I can’t help but wonder if every single one of us is like that. We know it all from the moment we begin to exist. Because we know ourselves. And what this journey reveals to us, to some more so than others, is what we can discover by seeking that knowledge from the inside out.

Simple right? HAH.

But it really is that simple. Seek and you shall find.

There’s something else I want to share. This is what has really sparked something for me about simplicity. This past week… I had to ride the subway 3-5 times a day. And I was terrified. I’m not sure how this has developed, but I have become extremely anxious in certain situations regarding travel and enclosed spaces. Over the past few months I have become increasingly anxious on planes, subways and elevators. I’m not sure why.

2018 started and I had a training schedule that required me to be in 2 different places in the city everyday, requiring me to take the subway to each one and from one to the other. Loads of trains. So freaking many. And every single one was terrifying in it’s own way. I kept talking to Erris about it, and she kept asking me, what is it that makes you most afraid? I said “getting stuck”. I was afraid of getting stuck. Why? She asked me why. So I asked myself … why?

I really asked myself- WHY? Why am I so afraid of getting stuck… well that lead to – If I get stuck, what am I afraid is going to happen? Then that lead to … something bad will happen to me… and so on and so forth until I came to the simple fact that I am terrified of dying.

Afraid to risk my safety because I am afraid to die.

Well as soon as I figured that out, each time the train stopped (and it happened a lot – because there seems to be a whole traffic system down there hah – duh….) I went right back to that. That I am afraid of dying. But then I was able to recognize that this probably wasn’t the time for that…. aka death. It calmed me. Slightly. A layer peeled away. There was increased clarity and purity. It’s becoming simpler. Being distilled.

The distillation has given me space inside. Space enough to find a method to tolerate subway travel. And now I am on my way toward recovery. It is becoming simpler. So if someone came on to the train and looked at me they wouldn’t even know how much I had to go through to be able to sit on that train as calm as I was. You know? Because it’s that simple. But it isn’t really.

I think simplicity requires a process. I think we are born knowing it so deeply, the simplicity of life, because maybe as we grow, for me anyway, we become farther removed from it. But because we know it so deeply, we can distill our lives and hopefully, become simpler.

Simplicity is humanity in it’s deepest form, a representation of all of the colors that make up white; a formation of the grandest snowflake in the sky, a collection of billions of grains of sand on the beach. Simplicity, is the complexities of a human who is in touch with the deepest parts of themselves. Who is cycling, revealing truths, shedding layers. Damn, it’s unbelievable really. Happy Sunday y’all.

Talk soon,

B-

Be magnanimous, darling.

January 1, 2018 – magnanimous – adj. – showing or suggesting a lofty and courageous spirit; showing or suggesting nobility of feeling and generosity of mind : FORGIVING

In an effort to live more magnanimously, I will be looking up one word from the dictionary, every single day this year. I am excited beyond believe about this little project of mine. I shall keep a record of it here. Happy New Year y’all. May you be blessed with magnanimity. Thanks to Cheryl Strayed for the word inspiration.

January 2, 2018 – ebullience- n. – the quality of lively or enthusiastic expression of thoughts or feelings :EXUBERANCE

January 3, 2018 – integrity – n. an unimpaired condition :SOUNDNESS ; firm adherence to a cod of especially moral or artistic values : INCORRUPTIBILITY ; the quality or state of being complete or undivided :COMPLETENESS ; see HONESTY

January 4, 2018 – intention – n. a determination to act a certain way : RESOLVE; purpose with respect to marriage; what one intends to do or bring about, the object for which a prayer, mass, or pious act is offered; IMPORT, SIGNIFICANCE; CONCEPT: a concept considered as the product of attention directed to an object of knowledge; a process or manner of healing incised wounds

January 5, 2018 – splendor – n. great brightness or luster :BRILLIANCY, :MAGNIFICENCE, POMP; something splendid

January 6, 2018 – cadence – n. a rhythmic sequence or flow of sounds in language; the beat, time, or measure of rhythmical motion or activity; a falling inflection of the voice’ a concluding and usual falling strain; specif: a musical chord sequence moving to a harmonic close or point of rest and giving the sense of harmonic completion; the modulated and rhythmic recurrence of a sound especially in nature

January 7, 2018 – motif – n. a usually recurring salient thematic element in a work of art; especially: a dominant idea or central theme; a single or repeated design or color; an influence or stimulus prompting to action

January 9, 2018 – faith – n. allegiance or duty to a person: LOYALTY; fidelity to ones promises; belief and trust in and loyalty to God; belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion; firm belief in something for which there is no proof; complete confidence; something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially a system of religious beliefs; in faith: without doubt or question:VERILY

January 9, 2018 – courage – n. – mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, an withstand danger, fear or difficulty; syn – COURAGE, METTLE, SPIRIT, RESOLUTION, TENACITY

January 10, 2018 – foundation – n. the act of founding ; the basis upon which something stands or is supported; funds given for the permanent support of an institution: ENDOWMENT, an organization or institution established by endowment with provision for future maintenance; an underlying natural or prepared base or support, esp: the whole masonry substructure of a building; a body or ground upon which something is built up or overlaid, a woman’s supporting undergarment: CORSET

January 11, 2018 – timbre- n. the quality given to a sound by its overtones as : the resonance by which the ear recognizes a voiced speech sound, the quality of tone distinctive of a particular singing voice or musical instrument

January 12, 2018 – religion – n. – the service and worship of God or the supernatural; commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance; the state of a religious; a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs and practices; archaic: scrupulous conformity : CONSCIENTIOUSNESS; a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith

January 12, 2018 – religious – n. – relating to or manifesting faithful devotion to an acknowledged ultimate reality or deity; of, relating to or devoted to religious beliefs or observances; scrupulously and conscientiously faithful; FERVENT, DEVOUT

January 12, 2018 – spiritual- n. – things of a spiritual, ecclesiastical or religious nature ; a religious song usually of a deeply emotional character that was developed especially among Negroes in the southern US: cap  – any of a party of 13th and 14th century Franciscans advocating strict observance of a rule of poverty for their order

January 14, 2018 – faith – n. allegiance to duty or a person: LOYALTY; fidelity to one’s promises; belief and trust in and loyalty to God; belief in the traditional doctrines of religion; firm belief in something for which there is no proof … WOAH. I Looked ths up already

January 14, 2018 – endurance- n. – PERMANANCE, DURATION; the ability to withstand hardship, adversity, or stress; SUFFERING, TRIAL

January 15, 2018 – complicated – adj. – consisting of parts intricately combined; difficult to analyze, understand or explain : see COMPLEX

January 15, 2018 – complex – adj. – composed of two or more parts : COMPOSITE; hard to separate, analyze or solve

January 16, 2018 – reunite – v. – to bring together again; to come together again : REJOIN

January 17, 2018  – sigh – to take a deep audible breath (as in weariness or grief); to make a sound like sighing: an act of sighing especially when involuntary and expressing an emotion or feeling ; the sound of gently moving or escaping air

January 18, 2018 – flourish – v. to grow luxuriantly; THRIVE; to achieve success: PROSPER; to be in a state of activity or production; to reach a height of development or influence; to make bold and sweeping gestures

January 19, 2018 – inquisitive- adj – given to examination or investigation; inclined to ask questions; especially inordinately or improperly curious about the affairs of others’ see CURIOUS

January 20, 2018 – curious- adj. – careful, inquisitive; made carefully; precisely accurate; marked by desire to investigate and learn; marked by inquisitive interest in other’s concerns: NOSY; exciting attention as strange or novel; a lively desire to learn or know

January 22, 2018 – patient- adj. – bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint; manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain; not hasty or impetuous; steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity; able or willing to bear

January 28, 2018 – beautify – v. – to make beautiful or add beauty to : EMBELLISH; to grow beautiful

January 28, 2018 – embellish – v – to make beautiful with ornamentation: DECORATE; to heighten the attractiveness of by adding ornamental details: ENHANCE

January 28, 2018 – gentry – n. – the qualities appropriate to a person of gentle birth esp: COURTESY; the condition or rank of a gentleman; upper or ruling class: ARISTOCRACY; a class whose a class whose members are entitled to bear a coat of arms though not of noble rank; people of a specified class or kind

January 28, 2018 – jealous – adj – intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness; disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness: apprehensive of the loss of another’s exclusive devotion; hostile towards a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage’ vigilant in guarding a possession; distrustfully watchful: SUSPICIOUS; ENVIOUS

January 28, 2018 – friend- n. – one attached to another by affection or esteem; one that is not hostile; one that is of the same nation, party or group; one that favors or promotes something (as a charity); PARAMOUR; a member of the christian sect that stresses Inner Light; rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war – called also Quaker

January 29, 2018 – contemporary- adj. happening, existing, living, or coming into being during the same period of time : SIMULTANEOUS; marked by characteristics of the present period: MODERN

January 30, 2018 – resolution – n.- the act or process of reducing to simpler form, the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones, the act of answering: SOLVING; the act of determining, the passing of a voice part from a dissonant to a consonant tone or the progression of a chord from dissonance to consonance; the separating of a chemical compound or mixture into its constituents; the division of prosodic element into its component parts; the process or capability of making distinguishable the individual parts of an object, closely adjacent optical images or sources of light; the subsidence of inflammation especially in a long’ a formal expression of opinion, will or intent voted by an official body or assembled group; the point in literary work at which the chief dramatic complication is worked out see COURAGE

February 1, 2018 – daydream – v. – to have a daydream – n. a pleasant visionary usually wishful creation of the imagination

February 1, 2018 – visualize – v. – to make visible as to see or form a mental image of: ENVISAGE; to form a mental visual image – n. visualization – formation of mental visual images; the act or process of interpreting in visual terms or of putting into visible form

February 1, 2018 – opinion – n. – a view, judgement or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter; believe stronger than impression and less strong than positive knowledge; a generally held view; a formal expression by an expert of his judgement or advice; the formal expression of the legal reasons and principles upon which a legal decision is based

February 1, 2018 – judgement – n. – a formal utterance of an authoritative opinion; an opinion so pronounced; the final judging of mankind by God, a divine sentence or decision, a calamity held to be sent by God; the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing; an opinion or estimate so formed; a proposition stating something believed or asserted

February 3, 2018 – vacillate – v.  – to sway through lack of equilibrium; FLUCTUATE, OSCILLATE; to waver in mind, will or feeling; hesitate in choice of opinions or courses : HESITATE

February 3, 2018 – vacillation – n. – an act or instance of vacillating, inability to take a stand: IRRESOLUTION, INDECISION

February 5, 2018 – forgive – v. – to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)/; PARDON; to give up resentment of or claim or requital for, to grant relief from payment of, to grant forgiveness: EXCUSE

February 13- homage – n. – a ceremony by which a man acknowledges himself the vassal of a lord; the relationship between a feudal lord and his man; an act done or payment made in meeting the obligations of vassalage; reverential regard: DEFERENCE; flattering attention: TRIBUTE; see HONOR

February 13- earnest- n.- a serious and intent mental state

February 13 -ignorant – adj. – destitute of knowledge or education; lacking knowledge or comprehension of the thing specified; resulting from or showing lack of knowledge or intelligence: UNAWARE, UNINFORMED

February 13 – averse -adj. – having an active feeling of repugnance or distaste: DISINCLINED

February 13 – exceptional – adj. – forming an exception: RARE; better tahn average: SUPERIOR; deviating from the norm esp: esp: below average

February 14 – privilege –

February 15 – institution –

February 16 – sphincter –

This post had a name earlier… OH! Start as you mean to go on

And just FKING goooooo. You know? Just go. Go on – keep going.

Today, December 31st, feels like the start of the new year for me. I think it always has felt like that but I have not really acknowledged it until this year. But this morning I woke up and I decided not to treat it any differently than any other day, apart from I decided to myself that I would do all the things that are important to me and have been important to me. So I want to start as I mean to go on. This led me to meditating, writing in my journal and cleaning my room. But what it also gave me was a massive reminder – in my belly somewhere, you know that place in you that knows everything that you already need to know? The reminder? That I love to write. And I need to write. And it needs to be here. Shared.

Why? For me. That’s the thing … it’s for me that I need to just get these things out – I’m not sure who I am sharing them to exactly, but because I believe that we are all deeply connected, well I know that I am sharing it with everyone by just getting it out of my head.

I have been doing a lot of reading and writing over the past few months, but particularly the past few weeks. A lot. And I am loving it but also I am realizing… well that I really have no idea what I’m realizing because I’m reading and writing so much!! I haven’t been giving myself time to think… or not think really. Time in silence you know?

I have ideas about what I want this new year to be for me. Like I’m sure we all do. But I think that what I really need to do in order to have these ideas become reality is say what this past year has actually been like for me.

I have had my heart broken hundreds of times this year. 2017 – the year of heartbreak and surrender. Today I experienced one of the hardest of them all.

I woke up this morning and I journaled three pages in my shiny silver journal (bought from Tiger for 4 euro – amazing purchase to be honest, I love it). I am currently participating in the Artist’s Way – I’m on week 6 this week. So this morning I wrote that I’d like to go down to the basement to bring up my oldest journals. Because I wanted to go into this new year with all my journals. I went downstairs to the basement and they were nowhere to be found. My heart hurts as I write this because I actually cannot believe that 7-8 years worth of journals might actually be completely missing. I just can’t find them. My things have been through a lot of moves and reorganizations – 9/10 of them without me actually being around. So I understand it is hard to keep track, for other people, of things that aren’t yours.

But honestly, of all the shit I own, these are actually the only things I would save if this whole building went up in flames. My journals. My journals are me. They are meeeee. Me at 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, and now at 27 – this writing is my life. It is what I am here experiencing and what I am here to share.

God I could have actually cried myself into 2018 if I let it happen earlier. But as I sat there on the couch, sulking to no end, a voice inside whispered to me – “It’s in you.”

I used to write to document my life. If you want to know why I really started journaling, at 14 years of age – it’s because I was deathly afraid that I was going to get older and forget everything I have done with my life. I didn’t want to forget. Life, at that time, felt like this thing that was SO unbelievably amazing that I just didn’t want to forget a single second of it.

So I had to write it down. I documented my days, every single day. I thought that’s all I was doing.

But it turns out I was building a lifelong habit and I was developing a way to express myself, to understand my life and the world around me and to discover what it is that I am here to share. And I swear to you, over the past decade and a bit, my writing has catapulted me through life. It has become far more than documenting my days. It has become my lifeline, my companion, my bible, my escape, my passion.

How could I be so silly as to let myself slip out of this habit? I have. Gravely. Not the writing though. The courage. The sharing. The courage to share.

So here I am. Recommitting to that. And wanting to stop the bullshit of writing through a lens.

The lens should be my own and nothing more or less. I know that now. So I am done writing the way that I feel I should in order to communicate myself. I need to communicate myself in order to write the way that I should. You know?

If I think about it I could actually scream. Sometimes it seems so complicated to just be here. And then other times it seems so divinely simple that I become immediately filled with gratitude for my existence.

2018 – 18 is my favorite number. I really like it, always have.

I am terrified of myself. Is anyone else like that? It’s actually ridiculous to think that as much as I resist the things that I do in life – what I really want, believing that I can achieve, loving myself and caring for myself, putting myself first, being unashamed of who I am and what I do – that is how much power I actually have to explode into these things once I set myself free.

We all have that. I listened to a talk today – about how to love your relationship with money. I really struggle with my relationship with the green. I just have some beliefs about it that are preventing me from having enough of it, or any of it really.

So I have decided it is time for that to stop. During this talk I was presented with a quote by a woman named Barbara Starmy (my god my handwriting is not cute … her last name could be completely wrong and a part of me hopes it is lol … what is that ^^). She said

Your degree of resistance will be proportional to the amount of power waiting for you on the other side of that resistance.

Geezus I love that. I really do. So what the hell am I resisting? This year I have resisted change. I have resisted love. I have resisted generosity. I have resisted impulse. I have resisted desire. I have resisted self-care. I have resisted sharing. I have resisted belief. I have resisted faith. I have resisted acceptance. I have resisted forgiveness.

And I have suffered.

Now don’t get me wrong 2017 has been amazing in many ways. But that is not what this is about. This is about cutting through the bull to be here when 2018 turns and to reaaaallllyyyy be here. How can we go forward without first acknowledging where we’ve been right?

Well here’s my question – How the hell can I be here now if I can’t let go of where I’ve been or where I’m going?

So that’s where I’ve been ^^ You wanna know where else I’ve been?

Ireland. Germany. Belgium. England. Scotland. USA.

Daydreaming.

Afraid.

Purely terrified at times actually.

Excited.

Grateful.

In love.

Hurt.

Hurting.

Suffering.

Surrendering.

Welcoming.

Accepting.

Expressing.

Crying.

I’ve been there. You know? I’ve really been there.

I understand why people get tattoos in places where only they can see. Sometimes we just need something for ourselves. Whether it’s a reminder or a memory or a gift, we need something only for ourselves that stays with us forever. We can carry it around, knowing that it’s for us.

There is a flame inside of me that I carry around with me. It’s just for me and I never knew that before. But now I know. It’s not for anyone else because if I share it, they might blow it out. I need to keep this flame alive.

This year I’ve shared my flame so many times. Hence the heartbreak.

But now I know. So I will protect my flame and watch it grow. Because now I know that the warmth from this fire is enough for me and everyone I know and love. So I don’t need to expose the flame to keep everyone warm.

Happy Happy new year.

Talk soon,

B-

 

PS. I will be seeing you in the cybernet every Sunday from now on. That is my pledge to my flame. What’s yours?

On my ownio

This week I had a rare opportunity – a whole week in the studio by myself. Working on Two Can Do … but also working on myself without realizing it.

When you have time on your own that is in disguise, it’s amazing what can come out.

Do you ever put time aside to just be on your own? Or just realize that you might have an evening alone? And then dread it…?

Because it’s like hmmm…. what am I going to do with myself? Depending on my mood it could be absolutely amazing or absolutely horrible and end up sending me into a downward spiral of all things awful about me myself and I. No bueno.

So this week was like… alone time with a focus. I was working on things but also at the same time inevitably I was on my own and being with myself. It was a gift in many ways.

Time alone in disguise.

Yes.

It’s so nice when you have something that allows you to just be with yourself. I find it really hard sometimes to just be with myself. I have this idea of who “myself” is and when I am alone with her, sometimes I don’t like what I am faced with. It’s a predicament for sure.

But in this setting, when “myself” is working and is allowing the creativity to flow and the processes to be explored of what it takes to make my work, then me and myself seem to get along really well.

So how then, can we make it so that in each moment we are living in harmony with ourself? There is something to be said about accepting the good (or bad or anything really) in each moment. But also I think there is equally something of value in choosing to live each moment in a way that allows all of you to be in flow. When I am in the studio working like this, every fibre of me is flowing.

Equally, when I’m writing I feel the same way. So how about more of moments like these and less of moments where “myself” goes off on a tangent and I’m just here like… but what about the flow?

On an early Friday afternoon, here’s to being with myself and liking it.

Studio days alone are invaluable.

Talk soon,

B-

In the meantime

Sliding. Legs open, rustling, the sound of hands on paper- what’s that noise?

Clear glass enveloping minimal sounds and closing out the actual volume of outside activity. Rough. At times. Silence at times. Is anything ever silent or do we just become numb to things?

Isn’t there just … a constant humming… a bit of shuffling… a sliding sensation

Eyes closed. In my left ear I hear … kids laughing. They play. The hum of busy streets. Cars passing by.

Eyes closed. In my right ear I hear … buzzing, humming, stereo. Shuffling. Stillness.

A bug hits the window. My eyes open.

Sensation. Vibration. Transfer of energy. Being intercepted.

And where does it hit me. It is about me. This is how I listen. I is physical if its imagined – things go through me.

How do we listen? How can we open up in the listening?

In the meantime… there is something about the meantime that implies waiting. But what if it just involves listening and being? Why would we wait?

wait – v. to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens (often followed by for, till, or until)

wait – v. to remain neglected for a time

meantime – n. the intervening time or period, as between events

Well it just sounds like a waste of time when you look at it like that. Inactive, neglected – no thank you. So why not fill the meantime with presence and activity.

I am saying this because I have spent a lot of time waiting over these past couple of months. Battling the waiting to be honest because I am anticipating a series of events (that are happening quite soon – next week to be exact) and I am quite nervous about the turn of these events. So nervous that if I allow myself to think about it properly I could cry.

But in the meantime I still have to be here. Because they aren’t happening yet. And when they do I will be well able for whatever the present moment brings. So long as I am there in the present moment. Usually when things cause a person great stress leading up to the thing – the presence during the thing is magnified.

Well I’d like to take that magnifying glass and tip it right back to this very moment. And magnify the meantime. What would you do in the meantime, if you could see the meantime as invaluable?

*The excerpt at the beginning of this post was prompted in a choreographic mentorship called Make & Move by a colleague named Sarah Ryan. The rest was inspired by a good friend of mine, and by life as I know it to be (so far of course).