Don’t look down. ouch…

February 6th. I celebrate the 6ths of the month. For me you know? I was born on the 6th. It is my day.

On the 6th I read my morning meditation and it was about trusting our hearts. How sometimes (many times for me) we will go into different ways of dealing with painful experiences that involve the mind, instead of just letting the heart be trusted to accept the hurt and move on.

Basically running circles around the pain – intellectualizing it, agonizing over what went wrong, regretting every second of it, trying to learn a lesson from it, talking about it, not talking about it, writing about it, moving past it, blowing through it … but the body remembers. And the heart is built to love. Trusted love can overcome any pain. Is what I think this meditation inferred … I think that yes.

So it also said – sometimes we intellectualize things instead of just simply saying ouch.

Ouch.

It hurts me to say ouch. But it has changed my life in many ways just in this past 5 days.

Repeatedly I say ouch to death. Ouch to lost love. Ouch to betrayal. Ouch to feeling abandoned by people who I thought were there for me. Ouch to it all.

It really does hurt. But saying ouch some how allows it to be accepted.

How does it feel when you stub your toe and you hold your tongue? I don’t know about you, but for me I actually feel even worse if I think about it… because the pain radiates through my body while my mind is focused on not allowing myself to express it.

The energy of not letting myself express compounds the pain.

So if I think about it… the amount of pain that has been compounded in my body has probably got enough pressure in it to make a diamond.

Ouch.

Sometimes I stub my toe and out it comes – OUCHHHHH @#$%^&^%$#@#$%^ ya know?

Oh mannnnnn that is reality. Giving birth to the present moment is pain for real sometimes. But I will say this – it happens way more when I am alone and I wish it just happened way more in general.

But pain is the one thing that brings us to the present always… even if its only for a microsecond before we realize that we can’t express it in that moment. Pain brings us to the present.

Why is that?

Pleasure does it too… but could it be that in this life we allow ourselves to have pain more than pleasure?

Dancing causes me pain. A lot of it. Because I don’t let myself be grateful or acknowledge myself in my dance.

My background. I am not proud of it. I can’t even write that though because it feels wrong. Because I am proud of it.

I don’t let myself give birth to that though. I am holding my tongue.

 

I am holding my tongue on my dance.

 

Today’s meditation – what life is expecting of us. So how can we live the life that life is expecting of us? We need to show up fully. As ourselves. Fully. Full. Ly. Fullllly.

Today I got up and I went to dance. I performed. I didn’t have a single thought about being inadequate. Not until I returned home and got into the shower did I think about anything that could have tainted my experience of being full. Fully being.

Can I even put into words what this realization means? It feels like I showed up shouting OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH all day. Giving birth to the fullest expression of myself in every moment.

For now it is ouch.

But pretty soon its going to be oouuuuuuuuuuuuu.

 

Pain and pleasure run along the same neural pathways – two halves on the same weighing scale. So on my path to inner peace, I hope I can flip the scales a little bit in this duality.

 

B-

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Gratitude for a love.

A love that makes me feel small. That makes me feel big.

A love that makes me feel it all and also makes me feel nothing.

A love in between dualities.

Allowing both sides of the coin to exist at once and in so doing – if I am open enough to realize it – I can live in the peace of the middle ground.

 

The peace of allowing both to exist at once.

 

Did we? As two people – allow both to exist at once? We were starting to figure that out.

I have tremendous gratitude for that lesson.

Co-existence without co-dependency. Co-existience with two full existences.

 

It hurts to miss.

To miss the person.

To miss the idea.

To actually miss the love.

I have never felt this way before. To miss a love is a tremendous burden on the heart.

I am sorry to carry this burden but I’m scared to say Ouch.

Ouch.

 

Still tied to what was and what could have been. I know that this is a process of confusion because my mind needs to be allowed to be confused before it can be clear. Many different points of data exist within the inner landscape of my mental.

And I just think … what about you?

Where do you go? What do you do? Without me.

 

So what am I grateful for? Can it be as simple as to say everything? Yes. But can it as full as to say everything and leave it at that. No – that is not full.

Full is this –

Stepping barefoot onto the perfectly tempered sand, beautifully soft and smooth, tiny fine grains warmed to the perfect temperature, the temperature that travels up your whole body and warms it, reminding us of the miracle that we are here. Looking up to realize that there exists a sea of infinite possibility ahead if we just travel through the sand to reach it. If we dive in then we might just swim. All the while, there is the sun, beaming down in support of every single step, no matter how small, how big, how crooked, how unbalanced, how careless, reckless or unknowing, the sun is there. Beaming down in support of the energy that dwells within, of the freedom to make choices and the belief that each one leads to the next, there is no wrong way except to cut yourself off.

Full.

 

Under the same sun. Under the same stars.

 

Gratitude for a love ,

Belief. Grief

Belief makes things real.

 

Does acceptance make them real?

As it rains down, on my first day of yoga teacher training, I am reminded of a theory I developed recently  – that it might rain on all of the important days of my life. Maybe not forever… but I forgot about it until today – this evening, when it started raining.

It rained on the 31st of December and then it rained again on the 5th of January. It rained today.

I know you are here but the truth is that you are supposed to be HERE. Here … in Atlanta actually. That hurts my heart.

I don’t know what I am going to write when I sit down to write anymore. That is the best time for writing for me. Speaking my soul through my fingertips.

 

You inspire me. You really do. But every single day I wonder about what it means to be here and now I can’t help but think about why these things have to happen in order for me to really allow myself to think about what it means to be here.

 

Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit for the process of doing that throughout my life. But now that I have witnessed an Earthly life at it’s end I feel that I have been given a new understanding of …

I threw away a piece of writing a couple of weeks ago. You inspired that.

I don’t think I have ever thrown away anything that I’ve written. I am so afraid of letting go of things … Am I ? Well I wonder that to be honest with you because when I actually threw away that piece of writing – I knew I had to because it had things on it that I wanted to let go of. As I held on to it while I walked – looking for the right trash can to throw it in (as if there is a “right” trash can to throw away your angry thoughts) – I reminded myself that I have never thrown away any piece of writing before.

There is this image of what it means to be a writer that I have in my head – of a person writing and writing and writing and just throwing loads of pages on the floor, into the garbage whatever – just writing and discarding – I couldn’t ascribe to that identity of a writer because I do not throw my writings away.

Except that day. It actually felt great to do that but I haven’t done it since.

You can’t throw away the things you write on the internet. How do things reach you ? Through the internet or am I better off burning them and hoping that the essence of the fire gets to you?

Not every thought that runs through my mind feels worth sharing, but it feels sometimes like if I don’t get them out then they will all pile up somewhere in the room of my brain.

This week I learned that I am allergic to dust mites. Now I have an image of my brain, as a room (thanks to my yoga teacher training meditation today), that is filled with dust and dust mites.

Just like my life right now I have to clean up all of the dust. It has settled in ways.

But I’m still not too sure that the dust of your passing has settled yet.

I have learned so much in the span of these past few weeks. It hasn’t even been a month yet but I have been awakened. Eyes wide open in accepting the realities of what life is like now.

Eyes wide open. Living life and learning something new in each passing minute is how I feel that these past few weeks have been for me.

But clarity is coming more in my body than it is in my mind. You already know these things I’m sure because I talk to you about them. It feels nice to have an angel up there who I know. That is a reality for me. But accepting that reality makes me feel many things because it means accepting your passing.

I have to. And I do.

Today I decided that I am going to radically completely accept myself.

Radically completely. So… radically and completely.

Completely implies the passing of time I think. And radically implies the immediacy of time I think.

So in embracing the paradox of accepting oneself I have decided to accept myself radically completely.

Immediately and over time.

Learning from your life has been the greatest blessing I have received in a long while. I wonder how I got so lucky to be blessed with a heart like yours.

I can see how it might have been hard for you to live with this heart because I can feel mine now; so quickly change from feeling calm to feeling pressured. Literal pressure in my heart. I have to remind myself I have nothing to prove.

I love to write you see, I really do and I just wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

I love to make dance as well, I feel that my work has a place in this world but I wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

And I think…. but this I know is where my need to prove myself holds me back… I think that I know I love to dance too.

I believe I can be abundant, make a lot of money, have a great life … but I wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

It’s in my heart. How did you do it? Repetition is a beautiful escape for me.

Yet at many times in my life I find myself with a chaotic routine in this life.

Where are you ya know? I wonder that.

But then I feel you and I hear you and so I suppose that is… well it just is.

 

Requesting a bear hug please.

Talk soon,

B-

 

For You Uncle Tommy

The first sentence is always the hardest. But then I heard Uncle Tommy in my ear saying… Well that’s your first f#$%#ing sentence then. Move on…

 

Yesterday we wore blue for you. You wore blue too. That felt special.

 

There just simply aren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe and honor a life, especially one as great as yours, but there may be a few words I could share about love that might express what we could all feel in the room whenever you’d walk in. And what we all felt yesterday from every single person who walked through those doors.

 

When I was thirteen you took me shopping for my birthday and said I could pick out anything I wanted. I had no idea what to do with that offer. I was so amazed and in shock and completely awkward (braces and all) that I just didn’t even know what i wanted. You told me – whatever I want. I couldn’t handle it. So you said okay I’ll spend 500 dollars. I couldn’t even do that. But we managed. Because you encouraged me. Like you have been my whole life. You encouraged me to let you love me.

 

The fact that someone could love me so much to see the infinite possibilities was something that I couldn’t comprehend until I got older. Because I learned, and I realized that I could see those possibilities in so many people and that You, Uncle Tommy, were the one who saw that in me. Always. So I could have spent a million dollars that day and if you had it you’d have spent it on me because that is what you do – you see the possibilities and you work hard to make them happen. You see the potential in people and you get involved to be a part of their journey. You feel love for a person and you never, ever, ever stop loving them. You Uncle Tommy, are a true example of unconditional love.

 

To let myself be loved by you has been one of the most beautiful, humbling, inspiring and fulfilling journeys in this life so far. And I know I am not the only one who feels this way. Because I look at our beautiful family, I look your beautiful children and I know that there’s not a single one of us who would ever deny the love they felt from you and how much of an impact your presence has made on them.

 

I want to tell everyone about the ways that I already know you are watching over us like our biggest, bravest and most caring guardian angel. But I know now, after seeing and feeling the love pouring out right back at you, that I don’t have to. Because every single person you love is going to get to experience you watching over them. That’s how special and powerful you are. That I have no doubts you will continue to be there for all of us. I will say though – thanks for fixing my computer because I thought that I broke it. I didn’t know you were so good with technology.

 

May you build the most beautiful mansion in the sky for yourself and have peace in that beautiful heart of yours. Nobody deserves that more than you. Today and everyday of my life I salute you Uncle Tommy and I hope that everyone will join me in sending a thought of love and respect up to my uncle whenever you think of him or feel him.

 

I just want you to know that everyone who meets you, loves you, exactly as you are. And I know you’ll understand what I mean because this is exactly what you do for all of us.

 

Love always,

Your BB

Always be mindful of your ability to fly.

My blood is flowing with hot chocolate. Is hot chocolate an acceptable coping mechanism?

I wonder that. It makes me feel cozy. It makes me feel warm and it tastes delicious. It reminds me of being a child and it feels like something that you can look forward to.

It can be served alone or with other things. But it just stands perfectly on its own.

 

I like that.

 

I haven’t been writing lately and I think that’s because I don’t want to write the stuff of emotions and half thoughts. A lot of things have been happening in my life and I haven’t had time to reflect on them. Still haven’t…

But the desire to write is burning within me just like a campfire. It is something that needs to be fed with oxygen yet lately I feel as though I can’t breathe.

So maybe that’s why I don’t write.

We all have lessons we need to learn about ourselves in our lives – right? That’s what I think anyway. And I feel that I am learning lesson after lesson these past few months but not realizing just yet what exactly I have learned. I like to share the stuff of reflection through my fingertips. That’s why I don’t write these days.

This time can be a difficult time for many of us. As much as it can also be such an exciting and beautiful time, when we identify with the emotional wave of life then we can expect to have high-highs and low-lows. It’s only natural. You can’t go up and up and up forever. In the same vein you cannot go down and down and down forever either.

On a microscale though – these days of my life – these past few months- have been up and down by the seconds really. Because I realized that I am identifying with the emotional state of life around me.

No need.

 

There is no need.

We, each and everyone of us. And this is something that I REALLY WANT TO TAKE IN AS I WRITE… please universe… (you know I write these things for me right? I really write these things down because I need to share my stories so I can learn)

So I get caught up in little tiny things – the way another person is feeling, the way someone looked at me, the way a comment in passing made me feel. And then because of that I will go and seek out someone who is super happy to be around, someone who loves me to look at me. Or that same person to comment and just make me feel great.

Well sometimes in life you have to let go of those things. The good ones – right … Sometimes in life you have to let go of those good influences in your life because they either leave, or cannot be with you for good reasons, or pass away. These things happen.

And we have to accept. I have to accept and try my best. But in doing so I realize – if I can learn to cope with letting go of the most beautiful things in this life, for good reason of course (no self-sabotage here please), then why can’t I just let go of the opposite side of the coin?

They are not necessarily the “Bad” things but by default they are in this example because I mentioned letting go of the good things.

The point is – we can fly my friends.

Things are holding us down – good or bad they are all the same. The only difference is how they make us feel. We don’t have to identify so much with our feelings if we can just learn to accept that they will cycle through our lives for our ENTIRE lives… there will never be an end to that because this is how emotions flow. And emotions bring energy. We don’t have to identify with any of that.

So snip those ties and let them fall away. Because what’s left is that you will be able to rise above. Not to be above anyone else, but just to realize that within your own self there is a piece of magic that is always there. Never going anywhere.

And neither are the things/places/people you might detach from/identify with. It’s not to say you cannot have things and places and people in your life. What I’m learning is that all of these things will exist no matter what, but I choose how I see them and I choose how I identify with them. I may detach from family in my own ways but love them just the same. Detaching from the identity I have been given as a child allows me to come back to them as myself and see their love for what it is. Well it almost does lol but that is the hope. I’m learning. You can still be here but not have to be so attached to things that you don’t identify with anymore. Let the things go – if the good things can go and you can survive – let the other things go and you can be free.

 

In this time of wildness – both beauty and grace and pressure and haste – we can choose to snip those ties and to be here enjoying the waves but not surfing them.

I don’t like to surf. I never have. Some people do. Think about it – if you are not meant to be a surfer it’s okay. Because you can still fly. We all can. Every single one of us. Just remember that there are things that are for you in this world and things that aren’t because they are for someone else.

It’s not easy at all some times. Especially around these holiday times. A friend said this to me – “lots of forced family time”. It is true. Many of us come together with our families and it doesn’t always feel harmonious. The harmony lives within each and every one of us though.

A harmony is created by many singing different notes. Different. Notes. Not the same.

 

So the message is this – never be afraid to sing your own note.

 

And always be mindful of your ability to fly. Sever those ties and allow yourself to be free.

 

Happy Holidays with much love,

B-