Why I write (part 1 of many perhaps…)

I don’t normally do this… actually I’ve never done this. But what I wrote this morning in my journal is something I would like to share for the first time. (Ever. ever ever. Dun dun dun.)

Stopped writing or a few days and a storm started brewing inside. My meditation this morning was about trusting my core self. And Doreen’s cards were about listening to your intuition and intuitive guidance. Why does that feel so hard? It really feels like I’m torturing myself. This world has so many possibilities so it makes me feel like I really can do anything.

And I think my ego has guided me in the past to do whatever it takes to follow through with what I said. Probably because that is attached to how people will view me. And – I was going to write –> “But what about how I view myself?” BUT … What I really just need is –> What bout who I am? How I am? I am. That is enough.

I have read that. Writing allows me to be because it focuses the ego and the mind.

Why is it so hard to make choices? I feel disconnected from what I already know about myself so then when faced with a million options I consider them all. And it seems like my ego weighs them up. But then there’s the spirit soul just being underneath that, with all the answers. She wades in a pool of knowing as the rays of intuition shine down on her to keep her glowing. She’ll never leave because where she is, the universe supports her eternal life. And she drinks from the pool when famished. So she knows.

That is inside of me. Just underneath the ego. Closer to my heart. I read somewhere … The book is called The Journey of Self Discovery– its my newest adventure – This line –> “Study yourself.”

We are all a microcosm of this place. If we know ourselves and we study what’s already here, we can affect change by being our best selves. What is the point of putting on another costume, thinking we are making a difference, when really there is just another layer added to the ego that lengthens the journey to our spirit?

I don’t like to make these statements but I feel this one is coming from a deep place – Intention is everything. If I study myself I can act with clear intentions and make my biggest effect. And hopefully it allows me to have an easier time making choices, too.

Talk soon,

 

B-

Dancing in the rain

I danced in the rain today. Literally. But there’s something about that phrase – isn’t there a quote that goes something like … learn to dance in the rain? Something like that.

Anyway – it’s such a funny process to go through – surrendering. I experienced it today in such a physical way that it gave me so much hope for surrendering to all other aspects of this life. I’d like to share the story with you. (I’m currently sitting in my cousin’s bed procrastinating on a funding application… so that’s me right now and it’s obviously the best time to tell this story)

I was asked by my aunt to dance in the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Galway – with her daughters’ GAA club. So I said yes. I had to do a dance with a Gaelic football. Piece of cake… lol. It was a lot of fun actually. Once I gave up on every thought or desire I had about how the day would go. To be honest I didn’t really have very many but I can name a million experiences like this where I did. Anyway!

We got out of the car and I managed to fit this GAA jersey over my winter coat (thanks be to the forces that be). We made our way over to our spot in the parade looking like a bunch of hunchbacked Michelin men (you know the puffy white man who sells tires?!). We were a great looking bunch anyway.

It starts raining nearly immediately as we start walking towards our spot. It’s not too bad yet but I had a feeling it was going to be that kind of day. The forecast was predicting 100 percent chance of rain and not the kind of raindrops that don’t make a fuss.

Get there and we are standing for about 45 minutes before it even starts. It’s lashing down. It’s freezing. Every single layer of my clothes (about 5/6 of em on top at least!) is slowly soaking. It’s like I realized that this was all completely out of my control and whether I liked it or not I was going to be dancing in the parade soaking wet. So looking back… I obviously decided to just like it!

Enjoyed myself thoroughly and got completely soaked. It didn’t have to be a bad day just because I may have had desires for the day to be a certain way and it wasn’t. You know that process that we go through sometimes? Where we set ourselves up for how we want things to go and then we torture ourselves miserably as we slowly and painfully let go of each desire one by one until either the day is over or we allow ourselves to enjoy it.

Something about the impending doom of lashing rain just allows that process to be instantaneous for me. I welcome these lashings of rain in every aspect of my life now because I am so ready to just surrender and accept every moment.

Today was a great one. And now I’m in bed lucky enough to reminisce about it. No complaints here.

Talk soon,

B-

Setting my desires free

This picture is of a painting that is transformative. Behind it are all of my desires for the next few months. I used to think that by writing them down and looking at them, by being reminded of them I could make them come true for myself.

Then after receiving some responses back – a few no’s as I mentioned, I looked at this vision board – full of “visions” of things that weren’t meant for me and then it all just looked like a list of things that I was trying to make happen. Then I thought… maybe I wasn’t in charge of what was meant to happen.

So I acknowledged myself and my desires. And then I decided to set them free. I just know that things happen for a reason and when I’m ready, I will receive experiences. I know that. So what am I doing trying to force my hand on life? I’ve expressed my desires and I have asked for what I would like. But I know and I think that there are others who feel this way, that I don’t always know what’s best for me. The universe needs to work through me.

I read somewhere… something about doing things with intention. So I painted yesterday again… with the intention of setting these desires free. I admit I still have some humanly hope that they will all come true. But it felt better to let them go, it really did. Now the next step for me is to work on the trusting bit. Trusting that the path that I am on is one I will be guided through and that I don’t have to make things happen.

It is my understanding that people seem to believe that life has to be hard in order for it to be good. That we have to suffer in order to be happy. To that… I have many things that I say to myself and the one I can share is this: Perspective is everything. Peace is powerful.

So yeah… I feel better now after setting some things free. It feels a bit more okay to be here. Like that is enough.

Talk soon

B-

A declaration

I want to live my truth.

I want to do what I say I am going to do – to be accountable.

I want to be with my own company in peace.

It hit me today … that none of us actually know just how far and wide our light shines really. We walk around on this Earth, doing our best (hopefully) not even knowing how we may have affected someone’s day, moment… life.

Today I had a moment of realization and while dancing I imagined myself with this bright yellow light coming from the center of my belly. It feels like this light needs to be pure if I can ever do justice to those who cross paths with its rays, ya know?

So I just feel I need to declare my gratitude and my commitment to continuing to be true and to living my truth. I find the days difficult sometimes, but the opportunity to talk about experience and being-ness with others offers me a chance to clarify what I know. Through sharing I come to know myself.

Through sharing today I realized that I will never truly know how far my essence travels, so I better make sure, just in case it ends up somewhere where it’s really needed, that it is purely me. And not a hidden version of me or an afraid version of B.

Working on it anyway. For a gal (me) who is constantly questioning why I’m here and what the point of all of this is… it’s really nice to be reminded that what I project reaches farther out than I could ever imagine. And so for that… I declare that I intend to project purely and with integrity.

And for you, who is reading this, I hope you know that every single one of us makes a bigger ripple in the waves than we could ever imagine. So if you can trust in that… what kind of an affect do you want to have? Be that effect.

Talk soon

B-

Make art even if no one is watching.

Make art especially if no one is watching. How about that?

I recently heard someone say – we learn best through stories.

Why is it that we hold ourselves back until we find something that makes us feel validated?

Do things for the sake of doing them.

I recently experienced a deep-seated sadness and fear, I didn’t know myself.

Why is it that I feel like I have to know myself… why cant I just be myself?

Be here because that is enough. No one else can be you, here.

I recently thought a recurring thought… my mind is going to kill me.

Why is it that I feel the need to think everything… why can’t I just experience it?

We are more than our minds.

Body.

Soul.

Spirit.

I recently realized that my work life and personal life are becoming more connected.

Why is it that I felt like I had to keep things compartmentalized?

Life is not meant to be lived in a box. The soul is abstract.

I recently cried so hard that I felt like my body would explode.

Why is it that it scares me to cry that much?

If my body explodes – it allows me space for my soul to be freed.

Free your soul. Free your soul. Free your soul. 

 

That might be a welcomed change. I would be lying if I said this writing is not inspired. I have been recently very deeply moved by the actions of people around me and the settling of the dust in my life. To those who fear that their mind may be getting the best of them, those who push their bodies to their limits because they fear they’d be nothing without them, for what it’s worth – I believe that your soul is infinite just like all of ours and that no matter what physicality or mentality tries to keep us down, we are meant to be freed. Free your soul. Dive into yourself. And if you want a friend, you can find one in me.

Talk soon,

 

B-

Learning to speak up, and to say no.

I have a dark cloud hanging over me these days. It’s been hard coming home to the realities of my family dynamic. I had an experience last week with a family member that left me feeling so upset – for the next two days I was upset and very sensitive to everything around me. I could have cried at a pin drop.

So I finally exploded and let it all out, thank god for one of my most trusted listeners at the time, and have decided it is time to speak up. And to say no… no thank you, this conversation is hurting me. (Wish it was as easy as that pic up there ^^)

I am so scared to do this. The relationship is already a bit rocky because patterns have been established that are unhealthy for me but they have been the status quo for a very long time. But being in these situations is actually starting to hurt me. A beautiful, wise woman in my life told me last week that we should never let anyone cause our hearts to hurt, no matter who they are.

So it is time to speak up and say that I am hurting and that I would like it to be stopped because I need these wounds to heal. I am planning on having the conversation soon (ie tomorrow) but I am nervous. I don’t want to say too much but I also don’t want a fake resolution.

Recently I have been doing a lot of spiritual reading and working on connecting with what is important to me. I am learning to leave the rest up to the universe because the plan is much bigger than I could ever fabricate.

Here we go:

Dear Universe,

Thank you for allowing me to find the way to communicate my thoughts and feelings. I am ready to learn through love and I am ready to surrender what I cannot control to the greater plan that is unfolding and to trust that I will be guided.

Sincerely,

B-

Here’s to hoping =)

One Hundred and Eighty.

One hundred and eighty. 180. That’s the number of degrees it takes to shut my bathroom door. My new bathroom door that is – in my new home. 2016 man… what crazy year. My parents sold the house this year so my family home now belongs to someone else. I hope they are enjoying it.

I drove past it last night to go to a friend’s Christmas party. It was weird. But that’s not the point of this post because I haven’t gotten there yet (ie mental breakdown over moving out of my family home… don’t know if I will even have one anyway). The point of this is that I love my new home. I don’t know what I had expected – I suppose I hadn’t any expectation really but I do love it. Mostly because I am home with the people who fill my heart and soul up.

I have some pretty amazing friends back in my Irish home (you know who you are) and one or two (just one really) who is extremely special. SO I am lucky. But nevertheless – there is something so magical about coming home. And especially for the holidays. I am so happy to be reunited with my family. I am also getting tired of leaving so that gives me loads to think about.

But for now I will praise this new home because

  1. It houses my family – they are the best.
  2. My bedroom is on the same floor as the bathroom (THANK YOU JESUS – no more 4 am cardio workouts to prevent myself from peeing my pants)
  3. My bed is still the same bed that I’ve always had. Love that bed.
  4. WARNING- this is materialistic – BUT – you can talk to my remote – So … “Chopped” – ::listening…:: “Chopped” – finds my favorite show. Thank you TV.
  5. It feels like a home. Even though it’s not my childhood home. It is still home.

Now has anyone ever dealt with a door that has to swing 180 degrees to close! I swear every time I go into the bathroom I only push it enough to close it half way and then it’s a struggle. The struggle is so real. But I will learn. Just like I will learn to adjust to my new home. This new time will be different. But it has already been lovely.

Talk soon,

B-