It amazes me when I realize how important something is to me and how important it has always been andddd how I have learned to ignore it over time.

Touch is one of those things for me. I am extremely sensitive to touch. If I touch things I don’t want to be touching it makes me sweat. If people touch me and I don’t want them to be touching me it makes me sweat. There’s something really important about the touch and feel of things. 

There is something about touch that helps my body feel safe. And what I am realizing is that it is unconscious to me in some ways. Except! My body has been giving me louddddd signals for basically as long as I can remember. It shows up as changes in my body temperature and sweating in my hands and feet especially. Hah it’s all making sense now. I am sensitive to the feel of things.

Even my clothes. Especially my clothes… I feel instantly soothed and calmed with the right clothing on. Over time it has become obvious to me that it has to be natural fibers. Synthetic clothing immediately makes me sweat. 

So I’ve made that adjustment. But now I am also realizing that these signals are always there about literally everything I touch or that touches me. It’s super interesting.

And a bit of a relief. And overwhelming. It’s all of those at the same time! The relief part though is something I am glad of. 

I have this knowing inside of me that I need to test out being completely and radically accepting of these things I am discovering. So like … immediately stopping when I feel or touch something that my body gives me a signal about. Just as an experiment you know? 

To be really strict about it and then allow myself to see what I can learn.

I have this fear of being too restricted in life. However, what I really know and have learned over time is that following what is correct for me and adhering to it as strictly as I possibly can has liberated me greatly.

I sometimes wonder if everyone seeks liberation. Do you? 

I really wonder that.

I know I do. It feels like a big driver for me. Liberation from suffering, liberation from conditioning, liberation from not knowing, liberation from feeling like I have to control everything, liberation from shame and guilt, liberation from anger and rage, liberation from responsibility.

What I am realizing about this though is that all of these things are okay if I am in a situation that is correct for me, with people who it is correct for me to be around. It has a completely different focus, lens, perspective to it. 

So that makes it purposeful and it makes it okay.

I am witnessing my life be purified of those people, places, situations and relationships which are not correct. That is where the liberation feels the sweetest for me right now.

And I still grieve. And I am still sad. And I still feel afraid sometimes. But the amount of core stability I have gained over this time has been incredible. It has been enough to support me and fuel me to keep going.

So touch. It matters so much to me.

I am complete now.