I just feel so tired today. Yesterday I felt energized. Monday night I got some feelings out.

I don’t want to isolate myself. I don’t want to be isolated from those who love me. The love feels so incomplete though. I wonder if I am letting myself receive it?

The mind chatter goes on and on and on these days. I remember feeling like my mind might actually kill me some day.

So in the end, what is it that really matters?

I won’t pretend like I haven’t had a fascination with death as much as I have a fear of it. The fear feels unnatural, the fascination exciting and intriguing.

It’s something that has been a bit of an obsession since 2018 in particular when my uncle died unexpectedly. Isn’t all death kind of unexpected? In terms of the how and the when?

Isn’t all death actually to be expected? We will all meet this experience one day, in some way.

I have inherited a terror of it. I feel this terror in my body as pure motivational fuel to have me doing many things that I am not sure are even in alignment with me. But out of fear of death I march on.

Especially out of fear of death of others who I love. Something about having regrets.

And then I’ll come across articles that go something like, “The top regrets of dying people” and how they wish that they spoke up more, shared their feelings more, worked less, appreciated people more.

So, in the end, what will really matter to me?

Will I have regrets? I really don’t want to. So how can I live right now to have no regrets tomorrow?

For me it’s about learning about death, accepting death, starting with acknowledging death.

One of my deepest desires is to be able to speak openly about life with my loved ones. I have so many fears around it. I find it easier to do with complete strangers than the ones whom I am connected with more densely.

However, this has not stopped me on my path. I am slowly but surely chipping away at one of the biggest walls around open hearted living and it’s death. To me, speaking openly about life means also speaking openly about death. I need to be surrounded by community and within spaces where I can do that.

This is how I feel now.

I also know that the walls are around my own heart, my own fears, my own inability to accept.

So that’s where I am spending my time. It feels like it requires me to be in my aloneness. In that aloneness, I am still loving everyone. And slowly wrapping my head around the realness of that love. It’s not just real love only when you show it and the person knows you are showing it. It’s real love all the time.

Huge lesson for me. Big huge lesson.

Mind chatter is really working overtime, thoughts arising around me not loving anyone and being a bad family member or friend because I am absent from their physical reality.

”And how am I going to feel if something happens to them?”

I am going to feel like I love them. This is what I wish so deeply to anchor into. That I still love them.

I no longer wish to act in desperation. But it also means letting go of false control. Doing something now means I can avoid what I am afraid of. But I can only avoid it for now. Not forever.

So instead, I am looking at what I am afraid of. It is tiring. And terrifying. And yes people’s lives are still carrying on every day and so yes something might happen.

I am still terrified of that. But I am on the journey towards aligned action in love. Towards openness about all of life. I feel it has been here for so long and I need to surrender to it.

May I be able to trust that I am it. I don’t have to do anything to be it. I. Am. It.

Sometimes I just want to call my great grandmother up or my grandmother and ask them, “are you afraid to die?” I want to ask them to share some of their favorite memories with me or what were the hardest losses that life has brought?

Fear doesn’t allow. I don’t want to make them scared or upset them. But I want to be there with them in that moment, having a shared experience of the wisdom and love between two people.

I want that so badly but it doesn’t feel possible right now. So instead of calling and sharing about work and what I am making for dinner, I stay away. Because I am deep in my grief and I don’t want to talk about what I am making for dinner.

I don’t want to avoid life. Even though by isolating I sometimes wonder if I am still avoiding life?

I want to have these conversations. With my people. Will it happen in the end? I really don’t know.

What I am doing right now, at least what I feel like I am doing, is inquiring within myself about these things.

Because if I can’t even do it, then how can I do it with others? We are all afraid. That is my view when I look out through my eyes right now. Which means that I am still afraid.

I want to be unafraid. And I want to take my people with me.

Do you want to come with me? I love you.