This morning I woke up with a headache.

Tonight I am attending an online grief support group.

I have been feeling anxiety these last few days.

Tonight I am attending an online grief support group.

I have been working more than usual this month.

Tonight I am attending an online grief support group.

Coincidences? Maybe.
Coincidences? I’m not sure.

I am ready to be supported yet at the same time it feels really unsafe to be supported.

I am in the most supportive relationship I’ve ever been in, yet sometimes I still pick fights and I am still overachieving trying to prove that I can hold my own.

It feels scary to let myself receive support.

I have had no choice in the past but to be supported by others and it felt dangerous, scary, chaotic, upsetting, lacking, undesired, uncomfortable, unsafe.

But I need support. I do. I really really do.

Especially when life’s events break my heart.

I need completion in some ways.

Support … maybe I don’t know how to receive support?

For as long as I can remember I have felt like I need to do everything alone. On my own. The great illusion.

The support I was used to getting was terrifying, didn’t actually feel like support.

So now, slowly, I am having experiences over time of what maybe support can actually look like and feel like.

Maybe support doesn’t actually drain my energy.

Maybe support doesn’t have to have conditions attached.

Maybe support doesn’t mean I have to compromise.

Maybe support means no solutions are offered.

Maybe support feels like love.

Maybe support actually helps me preserve my energy.

Maybe support gives me energy.

Maybe support allows me to do what I need to or want to do, without having to do what I don’t need to or want to do.

I think I have been dreaming of having support my whole life.

I think I have been knowing that support is a necessary part of life. And it comes in community and it comes through blessings and it comes through people and it comes through miracles, through energy, through words, through actions.

Support is the network of our world. And I feel lonely in it. I don’t feel supported. I told myself it was because I didn’t support myself that I didn’t feel supported.

This still feels partially true. What I realize now is that I didn’t and don’t feel that support is for me. And learning to support myself is realizing that of course support is for me. And that I am wholly deserving of support. Support is a form of love.

It’s about the right support. And not looking for it from the wrong people or in the wrong places or at the wrong time. That there is correct, aligned, beautiful support out there for me.

Can I believe in that? The more I reconnect with myself and my heart, the more I realize that I was disconnected.

Same here, the more I realize I want and deserve to be supported, the more I realized I was feeling unsupported.

This is about an internal revolution.

So of course I have a headache today. Because it feels unsafe to go be around people who support me and do activities that provide me with financial resources and to go to a grief support group where I can really be held in the network.

And it’s okay. It is okay. And I am still going because I feel that this is all connected and I need help. I need to be held, seen, heard, recognized, appreciated, valued.

So here I am. Headache and all. The body rebels over the mind’s old patterns. It’s okay. I am being restored.

The sound of my voice aligned can bring so much power into my life. The sound of my voice unaligned is nothing to fear as it is simply asking to be spoken so it can be relieved.

Through all this rebellion there is so much learning happening. I am very glad for that. Thank you.