It’s so funny but also not funny how this is the first thing to go. This is the first thing to go when something changes in my life now. I remember I used to rely on writing so much. It was my daily life blood.

When I was about 14 years old – maybe 13 actually – it was my freshman year of high school – my English teacher introduced us to the concept of keeping a daily journal. We were required to as a part of her class. I still feel grateful for her imposition. Since then I have had a love of writing that feels like it has been a part of me from the beginning of time.

From then on I wrote every single day. And I got to the point where I literally recorded EVERYTHING I did that day. That’s what it was at first. It felt like this sacred thing to me to write down everything I did that day. I was concerned at that point in my life that one day I’d forget everything I’ve ever done.

LOL little B. Now I know that I have forgotten a lot of things I’ve done but only consciously. Life is cumulative. So I know that they are all in there. Even the stuff that I don’t want to be in there. This is a time in my life where I am looking at it all and letting it all come up to see which can go and which can stay.

Eventually the writing started to become a little bit more emotional and then more reflective. After a couple of years, I would say that writing became a friend to me. It turned into a diary in a way – like I used to have when I was a child. I kept a diary from the ages of about 9-13ish but not regularly. Only when I wanted to write about a crush or about how my best friend was mean to me lol. But yeah writing became this support system to me. I could go to my writing and allow myself to express my internal world. And I found that if I expressed it in that way then I saw less of it coming out in my external world, if it was something that I was upset about. If it was something that I really felt good about or wanted to happen it allowed me to let things happen and not intervene with too much of a desire. Too much desire has turned to desperation for me in the past and narrow-mindedness. Doesn’t work for me. I know how much the success in my life relies on being flexible and seeing the possibilities.

With extremes in my life the writing stopped. If I went through a period of time where I was feeling extremely bad or even depressed – I would stop writing. That would make it worse.

When things were going great, everything was fantastic and I was loving life – I stopped writing. Then when things turned mediocre again or got kinda bad I’d get back into it because I’d have some painful or sad thing that I needed to express.

A few spurts in my life have included writing morning pages. But it felt like a chore. Even though I felt better afterwards – it really felt like a chore. I can’t have something in my life that feels that way. I am quite a disciplined person but if it starts to feel like a chore I start to become bitter about it.

Now … well now I realize that I have liberated myself and my writing. Recently I did so and since then I have been writing exactly what I want to write again and it feels amazing.

So what happened? Nothing yet. And I am so proud of that because I’ve realized that I experienced a change in my life that made me feel good, made me feel excited, gave me a place to focus my attention and spend my time and my writing slipped.

But I caught it. I got back on track and here I am. I was particularly struck by listening to an episode of the podcast called Almost 30. This episode was one where they had a guest on and the guest was Glennon Doyle.

She wrote a book called Untamed. I cannot wait to read it. I have about 15 other books in my pipeline right now lol so I have to wait. But basically I was so struck by her saying that her readers felt they couldn’t relate to her anymore once she made some major changes in her life. She spoke so clearly and she said (cue the Beezy paraphrasing) – I know they couldn’t relate to me anymore because I was happy. I was the happiest I’ve ever been and they couldn’t relate to that because we (as in society) keep women down. I was blown away by that.

I feel that when I don’t have something sad or so desperately painful or really deep and insightful to write about that I don’t write. But why? Why not write about the beauty and the joy and the gratitude that can be felt in life?

Sometimes I do now in fairness. This platform has received many a word in the different spheres of my life.

I just got hit with SUCH a moment of gratitude. I had always imagined myself sitting in a comfy place looking out at nature with a nice warm drink writing to my heart’s content.

WOW. Here I am. I never thought I’d find it in my hometown but here I am in my apartment kitchen, the window showing a light drizzle outside, so light that I almost thought I was seeing the buzz of energy as opposed to rain, and a nice warm drink beside me. Feeling like this could be my life. And it is my life.

I don’t ever want to stop writing just because I wasn’t paying attention. Not again. That is what happens. I get lost in the emotional wave of life and I stop doing the things that keep me feeling like myself.

I won’t be doing that anymore so long as I can help it. The most wonderful thing that has come out of this COVID-19 pandemic for me is awareness. I have gained so much awareness and a huge sense of what it really and truly feels like to be me. Inside of my body, inside of myself and inside of my life.

I was told yesterday by my Astrology teacher that I have a greater collective purpose. And that there was an agreement between two planets in my chart that they would support me to dream bigger. So there we go.

I honestly do feel that though. It was quite emotional for me to receive her words and realize that they came from something that was written in the stars. So I took that in.

Anytime I have an idea though right – I immediately go to seeing in my head how many people can be affected by it. Like I immediately see myself thinking – omg there are so many people who would love this. So many people who can benefit from this. The whole world needs to see this/experience this/hear this.

And they are strangers. And I love that. Because then they become … well, not strangers. AND I LOVE THAT. To connect with my fellow humans. I feel so connected to you all regardless. I feel safer and happier and more myself writing on here than I would feel writing a letter to a friend in ways. Though I can’t exactly say thats true I just feel that I want to drive the point home that I truly do feel like I can connect with someone whom I’ve never met before. And like that is a part of my purpose.

Sometimes people get let in deeply. And I think in the past I’ve done that too often? I’m not sure actually. But I have the ability to love all and to be in the collective experience of our humanity so deeply that I want to be able to support as many people in that as possible. We support each other you know? I feel that. And I feel compelled to contribute to that actively.

I have had to go through a major grieving process recently. And I am grateful for it. But I am also still a bit sad that it had to happen. Attached one might say.

This month of August is really going to be one for me of allowing myself to see what happens when I make choices from a place of internal, radical, self-love. I’m speaking that now.

And yes, I am studying Astrology and I absolutely love it. I have been testing out reading some of my friends charts with the first couple of layers of information that I know and it has been so exciting. What I love the most is helping people tell their story. I tell mine and then people tell me theirs. That’s the way that life usually goes for me.

And now I have tools to help people tell theirs, to help people understand theirs. I am working on building a way to make that more accessible to people so that I can live in the purest joy of my soul.

I want and hope for everyone to be well. ‘Well’ doesn’t always mean happy in fact it really doesn’t have to do with happiness. Wellness to me means the ability to be true to oneself and accept oneself in as many moments as possible. Ideally every single one. I have relied on many tools in order to transmute that process.

Writing is one of them and has always been. So I must remember that.

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

** Photo credit goes to me. Took this in my town just down the street from my house.