I am so afraid of breaking the rules sometimes that it is paralyzing.

What if I get in trouble? What if something happens?

I really feel that the mind, in my mind, it is TERRIFYING to think of breaking the rules.

And yet, in so many aspects of my life and in so many decisions that I have made, I have broken with The Rules. The unwritten rules of society, you know the ones that tell us how we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to do, when we are supposed to do it by.

I can’t pretend like I’ve always planned it like that or like I’ve even been consciously participating in those decisions. I don’t think that I have for many of them.

Life has brought me a bit of anarchy. I have lived in ways that have made me feel outside of the norm. Family history has felt outside the norm. Relationship partners outside the norm. Career choices outside the norm.

Is it outside the “norm” though or is it just outside of what was expected?

I feel a lot of terror inside my mind over doing what is unexpected… or should I say, not doing what is expected of me.

Whew. And still, in the face of that fear, I have done it. The unexpected.

Just sometimes I still feel I pay a price for it that. Maybe it is because it wasn’t correct for me to do. Sometimes I feel like I did the unexpected because at a certain point it felt like I didn’t know any other option existed and was too afraid to let my choice, my belief, my reaction change.

The more I have been listening to my body, the more I have been learning to be okay with things changing.

Ten years ago, almost to the day, my Achilles’ tendon ruptured. What was true about that, was that something had happened enough times to cause a rupture. And that something wasn’t right. There is truth in that because my body showed me something.

This being 10 years since it happened has been closure for me in many ways. And an opportunity to reflect on how I’ve learned to listen to my body over this time.

As I continue to listen to my body, specifically through my voice, it becomes easier to do the unexpected. Because I do what feels correct for me. And when I know and feel in my body that something is correct, it doesn’t seem to matter as much or feel as scary if it’s unexpected. Doesn’t feel as much like I’m selling out or being lame or whatever else comes up if I choose what is “expected” either.

I don’t like the thought of my actions dictating how others see me. I am learning to be okay with it though. Especially as I am learning to clarify the frequency of my actions through listening to my words.

But what about small things… like setting up a contract on freelancing website? I don’t want to break the rules because I want to do this, I want to use this resource. So I have to do it perfectly. What if I don’t? So what if I don’t?

It’s about knowing, for me. Knowing for me. Knowing. For me. Knowing for myself. Not knowing as in all-knowing and then being able to tell everyone what I know because we should all know it.

No.

It’s about knowing my truth. Trying it out. Testing it out till I trust my feeling of knowing that something is correct for me.

And it’s not always accurate. I’m still learning it.

And that is okay. The sticky middle is okay.

Whew, there’s so much I want to say about this, just like… there is a little girl in me that’s like BUT I DON’T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE.

I DON’T WANT TO BE BAD.

I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO STOP LOVING ME.

So I don’t want to break The Rules. Or not do what is expected. Because love fractures, conditional love fractures.

So my love from people and my love for myself has fractured and there are fragments everywhere.

It’s overwhelming.

However, I am finding the fragments and piecing them back together. With gold.

What I want more than most things is to love myself and accept myself, expected or not.

To know I am valuable. To value what I bring to the table. To value my offerings.

I am so scared to break the rules sometimes because it feels the only way I’ll get love, success, money, joy, happiness, peace, is to follow them.

What I am wrapping myself around through this journey, however, is that if I love myself and accept myself and align with what’s best for me, the rules don’t matter. I’ll know exactly how to be on my path when I need to know.

With respect and reverence for the rules. And also with respect and reverence for breaking them.

I want that. My time is now.

I also have to be patient because I feel my mind putting pressure on me to sit here and write all this out to just be rid of it.

Hey mind, hey body, it may take some time. Yep. But I am doing it even though I haven’t done it yet.

Oh wow, I like that. I am doing it even though I haven’t done it yet.

Okay, I love you ❤️