#SundayStories – Wishing I never left, pretending I didn’t…

Before Christmas I left Ireland and I had really run out of reasons to be there … legally. But in my heart and soul I had a million reasons to stay and a million reasons why I felt like I belonged.

Belonging. It’s such a crazy concept. What does it mean to belong? Because there are things that make a person feel like they belong and then there are these rules in society that … what do they do… they allow us to feel like we belong.

I just don’t understand how, as humans, one group of us can make rules about where another fellow human can or cannot spend their own time. We don’t have autonomy over our time. There are a lot of things we don’t have autonomy over as a human race. But why? Because who said that we had to have things the way they are apart from other people?

People controlling people. And blaming it on something outside of themselves. Something outside of “us”. The rules are made by people. To govern other people. So if I am in a certain position and a certain place with a certain identity I can decide who can or cannot come and be in my place. I just don’t know.

This feels hard for me to write because it feels so personal that I can’t even get to the point. And because this is a free write I can’t get rid of any of it. I promised myself that. But really I am already reflecting on what I wrote about 30 seconds ago and thinking to myself – just say what you really want to say.

What I really want to say is this… I think it actually broke my heart to leave Ireland. Because I wasn’t ready. And the worst part of it all was that I had to go because a force outside of my own will and autonomy, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to stay. I didn’t have any good enough reasons. I joked about it a lot. And that was the joke that I always told … that I ran out of good enough reasons to stay.

But really that actually kills me inside because I had a life, a love, beautiful friends, a home, a community, and the beginnings of a pretty fulfilling career. And most of all I had inner peace, confidence and was full of gratitude for my life and my surroundings. This place… Ireland… is my spiritual home.

Since Christmas, I have been struggling with myself because I am actually back in the states. I’ve been beating myself up over my communication skills about my new chapter. I have been avoiding even talking about it and in fact there are people over in Ireland, people who I care about and who are a part of my community, who probably don’t even know that I left! That is not the way that I would have wanted to talk about this situation if I had my choice. But I felt like I had to protect what was left of my broken heart. Every time I thought about it and every time i still think about it… I just am hurting so much to accept this life that I have created and the choices that it has lead me to … perhaps if I was working in business or in the sciences I would have been able to find a job that would let me stay.

Then I thought… well it’s great for me as a dancer and choreographer to be coming back to NJ. So near NYC what’s more to love?

My inner peace. My sanity. My confidence.

It is all slowly coming back. it’s all a part of me so I know it will be revealed in a new light as I allow myself to shed the fears that I have from being here and to mend the broken heart that i left Ireland with to come back to my childhood home and start a new chapter.

I just feel that I have not been able to even accept what I have been living these past few months because of the hurt that lies behind it. I wish every minute of every day, for a time in this life where people can go where they please simply because in their heart and soul they know that it is what they want or need for themselves to live a soulful life.

As a human race… we should be able to support each other to walk this land as if it was all our own because it is. All of it is ours and none of it is ours really.

This is what my solo was about in RAVENOUS. And I am only DELIGHTED to say that I will be back in less than a month’s time. In Ireland performing RAVENOUS at the Limerick Fringe with the Step Up 2017 gang again.

My heart is full thinking about it and my soul will be set on fire once again with my return. Until then I’m settling in. And slowly accepting. And also … reminding myself that I can feel however I want about a place that I call home because it is my choice to call it so.

Home is where the heart is … that’s what they say right? So if our hearts are inside of our bodies… then I can be at home wherever I go. That’s all for me today.

Talk soon,

B-

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Why I write (part 1 of many perhaps…)

I don’t normally do this… actually I’ve never done this. But what I wrote this morning in my journal is something I would like to share for the first time. (Ever. ever ever. Dun dun dun.)

Stopped writing or a few days and a storm started brewing inside. My meditation this morning was about trusting my core self. And Doreen’s cards were about listening to your intuition and intuitive guidance. Why does that feel so hard? It really feels like I’m torturing myself. This world has so many possibilities so it makes me feel like I really can do anything.

And I think my ego has guided me in the past to do whatever it takes to follow through with what I said. Probably because that is attached to how people will view me. And – I was going to write –> “But what about how I view myself?” BUT … What I really just need is –> What bout who I am? How I am? I am. That is enough.

I have read that. Writing allows me to be because it focuses the ego and the mind.

Why is it so hard to make choices? I feel disconnected from what I already know about myself so then when faced with a million options I consider them all. And it seems like my ego weighs them up. But then there’s the spirit soul just being underneath that, with all the answers. She wades in a pool of knowing as the rays of intuition shine down on her to keep her glowing. She’ll never leave because where she is, the universe supports her eternal life. And she drinks from the pool when famished. So she knows.

That is inside of me. Just underneath the ego. Closer to my heart. I read somewhere … The book is called The Journey of Self Discovery– its my newest adventure – This line –> “Study yourself.”

We are all a microcosm of this place. If we know ourselves and we study what’s already here, we can affect change by being our best selves. What is the point of putting on another costume, thinking we are making a difference, when really there is just another layer added to the ego that lengthens the journey to our spirit?

I don’t like to make these statements but I feel this one is coming from a deep place – Intention is everything. If I study myself I can act with clear intentions and make my biggest effect. And hopefully it allows me to have an easier time making choices, too.

Talk soon,

 

B-

Make art even if no one is watching.

Make art especially if no one is watching. How about that?

I recently heard someone say – we learn best through stories.

Why is it that we hold ourselves back until we find something that makes us feel validated?

Do things for the sake of doing them.

I recently experienced a deep-seated sadness and fear, I didn’t know myself.

Why is it that I feel like I have to know myself… why cant I just be myself?

Be here because that is enough. No one else can be you, here.

I recently thought a recurring thought… my mind is going to kill me.

Why is it that I feel the need to think everything… why can’t I just experience it?

We are more than our minds.

Body.

Soul.

Spirit.

I recently realized that my work life and personal life are becoming more connected.

Why is it that I felt like I had to keep things compartmentalized?

Life is not meant to be lived in a box. The soul is abstract.

I recently cried so hard that I felt like my body would explode.

Why is it that it scares me to cry that much?

If my body explodes – it allows me space for my soul to be freed.

Free your soul. Free your soul. Free your soul. 

 

That might be a welcomed change. I would be lying if I said this writing is not inspired. I have been recently very deeply moved by the actions of people around me and the settling of the dust in my life. To those who fear that their mind may be getting the best of them, those who push their bodies to their limits because they fear they’d be nothing without them, for what it’s worth – I believe that your soul is infinite just like all of ours and that no matter what physicality or mentality tries to keep us down, we are meant to be freed. Free your soul. Dive into yourself. And if you want a friend, you can find one in me.

Talk soon,

 

B-

One Hundred and Eighty.

One hundred and eighty. 180. That’s the number of degrees it takes to shut my bathroom door. My new bathroom door that is – in my new home. 2016 man… what crazy year. My parents sold the house this year so my family home now belongs to someone else. I hope they are enjoying it.

I drove past it last night to go to a friend’s Christmas party. It was weird. But that’s not the point of this post because I haven’t gotten there yet (ie mental breakdown over moving out of my family home… don’t know if I will even have one anyway). The point of this is that I love my new home. I don’t know what I had expected – I suppose I hadn’t any expectation really but I do love it. Mostly because I am home with the people who fill my heart and soul up.

I have some pretty amazing friends back in my Irish home (you know who you are) and one or two (just one really) who is extremely special. SO I am lucky. But nevertheless – there is something so magical about coming home. And especially for the holidays. I am so happy to be reunited with my family. I am also getting tired of leaving so that gives me loads to think about.

But for now I will praise this new home because

  1. It houses my family – they are the best.
  2. My bedroom is on the same floor as the bathroom (THANK YOU JESUS – no more 4 am cardio workouts to prevent myself from peeing my pants)
  3. My bed is still the same bed that I’ve always had. Love that bed.
  4. WARNING- this is materialistic – BUT – you can talk to my remote – So … “Chopped” – ::listening…:: “Chopped” – finds my favorite show. Thank you TV.
  5. It feels like a home. Even though it’s not my childhood home. It is still home.

Now has anyone ever dealt with a door that has to swing 180 degrees to close! I swear every time I go into the bathroom I only push it enough to close it half way and then it’s a struggle. The struggle is so real. But I will learn. Just like I will learn to adjust to my new home. This new time will be different. But it has already been lovely.

Talk soon,

B-

These days

See that up there ^^? She would never admit it, but she was petrified of looking the way she was feeling at the time… like sh*t.

April 2014… I had just started dancing again after 13.5 months off. I ruptured my achilles… got operated on… and began the long long long road to recovery. Well when I heard the snap of my tendon… along with that went my confidence in myself, my identity, and almost all of my pride.

My goodness, I used to think… I don’t want to be here anymore. What am I going to do if I can’t dance? Who am I without dancing? For months I fought with myself through sleepless nights, pointless days (they felt pointless anyway) and conversations with myself just continuously asking myself… what is the point?

It was a very low time for me, but after those 13.5 months – when the opportunity arose for me to do a photoshoot on the beach with a very talented photographer (Sasha M Photography), I felt brave enough – for the first time in over a year.

That day the beach was very cold. It was extremely windy and my legs and toes were numb from being bare. Something about that numbness though… reminded me of times past and comforted me in a way … because I knew that with my hopping around on the beach that day… those times had definitely passed.

If it wasn’t for my girlfriend at the time, I don’t know if I would have been able to get through the lowest point on that journey. I am thankful everyday for her presence in my life, especially at that time.

That time, too, has passed. Life has lead us our separate ways and what I am left with now, being on my own, is the residue of years of not loving myself enough. Not being able to see the girl in that photo for who she actually is.

There is so much power in accepting yourself unconditionally. When I look at that photo, I want to hug that beautiful, powerful, inspiring woman so tight. I want to squeeze her and I want to remind her that she is so human and so real and the essence of herself is an excellent addition to what already exists in this world.

From experience, it seems that the last thing we want to do is see ourselves… you know… really see ourselves. And I’ve seen people put themselves through a serious amount of (legal) torture before they would simply accept their feelings, their situation, their abilities or simply what they see when they look in the mirror. I’m guilty. Are you?

Let’s just stop that now, okay? Just remember … it only takes two arms to give a good hug… and most of us are lucky enough to have two arms… isn’t that funny?! Hug yourself.

Speak your truth. Live your life from the inside out because what you have inside is too beautiful and too YOUnique not to share.

 

Inspired by: #worldmentalhealthday #internationaldayofthegirl #nationalcomingoutday