I still see you bouncing up and down on the wings of the plane. They always seat me at or near the wing. I can always see it. I appreciate that. It makes me feel as though that connection is still there for me.

It’s wild that we haven’t spoken at all really in the recent past. I think that was meant to be for now. The future really and truly is so unknown. The more that time passes the more I find myself feeling beyond grateful for the deep connection that we share.

I was scared to fly. Very scared. I felt a lot of different emotions about it and also a sense of responsibility to do the right thing and that perhaps getting on the plane wasn’t the right thing to begin with. I prayed about it. I asked for a sign.

Green bubbles. That was the sign I was told to look out for. I thought it was the water bubbles on the green grass of my computer background. Right in that second where I thought that I realized that it was actually the card that sits by my bedside that was given to me by my grandmother. In it she wrote – God Bless You always. The outside of the card has green bubbles on it. I cried when I realized that.

I knew it was okay to go. I took the card with me. I was so nervous to get on the plane because I have been really anxious to fly these past few years.

I feel that there is something about this period of time – the past few years – that has been a reckoning with the concept of control. I have absolutely zero control over my livelihood when I fly. That is terrifying to me at times. Recently especially.

What always used to help was imagining your bitmoji self bouncing on the wings. Dancing out there on the airplane wing. I always appreciated those little stories because they were so light and silly that they helped me to feel safe. They helped me to feel like things didn’t have to be so serious and it could be light.

When I sat on the plane last Friday and the Friday before that – I needed that. I didn’t realize until this experience – that I still have it. Even though I don’t have you.

I remember when I went through my previous breakup that a mentor of mine said that the connection that we had would always be available through energy. I don’t remember exactly how she said it but that is how I am relaying it now.

This experience was a moment of that energetic connection for me. No matter where you are in the world or what you are doing, I still can imagine your little bitmoji bouncing around on the wings keeping me company. I am grateful for that.

There are so many layers to this and they are deep. This transformation that I feel like I am going through is one of the biggest of my life. I feel more consciously aware and am participating in it more than I have before. The transformations have been endless but this one seems to be transformation through rest and through doing less.

I still feel like I miss you. But I feel okay with this. It is okay. It really really is.

There are many things in this life that don’t feel okay but then somehow, through the process of transformation, they do.

I am a caterpillar. The process of transformation is the real life blood that keeps me breathing. I am constantly living in that process. I am glad about it and also sometimes I am overwhelmed by it.

In those moments of panic – which are quite brief thanks to the many tools I have to support myself – I am grateful to have little stories to remember thanks to you. They are certainly one of the tools that I have. And I didn’t realize it until now.

The ripple effect right … well it makes ripples and then the ripples slowly fade. That’s how it feels. But then what’s left? It’s not nothing. It’s certainly not nothing. Because the water carries within it the stories and connections to the ripples that came before.

Sometimes I think the stories hurt. Sometimes they don’t. I had a dream last night that you put up a story and it had some lyrics in it that were hurtful. There are some deep layers here.

Did I say I miss you? Yes I did. But it’s okay. It really is.

Talk soon,

B-