Today it feels like ‘what if?’

In the darkness I cry. Sometimes at night, sometimes early morning before the sun rises. I realize I am terrified.

What if something happens?

What if she dies?

What if they don’t tell me?

What if they shame me for not calling?

What if they guilt me?

What if I blame myself?

What if I never get to speak my truth?

What if I don’t figure it out in time?

What if I make a mistake?

What if I say something and it blows up in my face?

What if I share too much?

What if it gets used against me?

What if they hurt me?
What if they hurt me?

What if they hurt me?

Why would they want to hurt me? Don’t we love each other? I love them. But that doesn’t stop the hurt, does it? If they love me, does it stop hurtful actions? Not from my experiences thus far. The hurt is inevitable and well … it hurts.

Badly.
My mind is seething and swimming in the ‘what ifs’ and it is bad. This happens often and usually it gets to the point where I feel guilty enough that I do something about it.

I don’t feel that this pattern is healthy for me. I feel it keeps up appearances.

Mind, what are you protecting me from? The grief of being hurt by people I love and trust? The grief of realizing they have been hurt by people they love and trust? The grief of accepting that I am one of those people?

Mind, what is so scary that I have developed a protective mechanism? What is it? Because the what ifs are feeling more scary than anything else right now so I am feeling like maybe it is time for them to go.

What is behind the what ifs?
What is behind the what ifs?

What is behind the what ifs?

I will allow myself to live in this question instead of searching for the answer. In the meantime, the veil is wearing thinner between my mind and my heart. I am feeling my hurt. It feels insufferable. For a time. Then I am able to move into my day again.

How much of this is there? I may be living in that question as well.

Restructuring of my identity. Restructuring of my values. Next up, restructuring of my mind.

It feels like physical pain to witness this shattering. Was I solely living in this before now? Not realizing there could be a distance from it? With enough awareness it could transform.

What if I never get to say what is on my heart?

What if the relationship is just not going to be like that?

What if they gaslight me?

What if they react badly?

What if they refuse to acknowledge my feelings?

Ouch. This feels like a familiar experience. But one that feels vintage. One that feels like it hasn’t been taken out in decades out of fear of acknowledging the pain within it.

It feels worthy to acknowledge now, the familiarity of having had my feelings refused. That there was ‘no way that I could be feeling that’ because their situation is worse.

So what if that happens again?

Then what?

What if I never try because I am scared that it might happen?

What if history repeats itself?
What if it happens all over again?

Little me is terrified.

I finally said it last night. I am terrified. It somehow felt better to say it.
So that is evidence, that sometimes it can somehow feel better to say it.

What if I try?

What if I share how I feel?

What if I feel it?

What if I really let myself feel it?

What if I hate them for how I feel?

What if I hate myself for how I feel?

What if I discover something scary?

What if I don’t know how to deal with what I feel?

What if it breaks me?

What if I’m so angry that I just stay angry forever?

What if I can’t express to them? What do I do with it?

What if I keep going?

What if I never do it?
What if I stay stuck here forever?
What if it never transforms?

What if I miss it?

What if I miss what is meant for me?

What if we miss it?
What if our relationship doesn’t pan out the way it’s supposed to?

What if we only get this one life together in this way and we wasted it?

Ouch.

That is a deep fear right there. Fear of getting this wrong. This thing called life with these people in things called relationships.

Whew.

So I keep going. And it’s okay. But sometimes I really do not feel okay. Sometimes I feel a lot and I don’t know what to do with it.

I am still here though. And I love you still.