So I did the thing. I did the thing I was a bit nervous about. Life really does move on and change and grow. It really does. No doubt about it. I am so amazed to think about how my experience of the last 24 hours has allowed me to realize how much I have learned about myself, how much I know about myself AND how much I appreciate myself.

What a flipping blessing. I woke up feeling super grateful today for that. And yesterday was the Lion’s Gate Portal which is meant to be a super intense activation of high frequency energies between the brightest star in the sky (brighter than the sun!!) – Sirius – and the sun.

I am feeling like things are definitely getting an upgrade for me in terms of my ability to communicate honestly and openly. My ability to share my story and my ability to remove myself from identifying with my stories. It feels good.

Really good.

And a lot of things have been making me feel good over the past 24 hours. It’s wonderful.

I write without my glasses on, as I mentioned. But I didn’t mention that I feel my left eye is healing. Or that I am receiving messages from angels. I have been seeing a flash of white light in the corner of my left eye often enough in the past couple of months. So I feel like I’m receiving messages or something.

I always felt like there was something inside of us that was also outside of us. That’s the way I’d describe it as a child.

Now I know this to be true and I describe it as the Universe. Many say God. I want to say God. But I also am not sure if I can. And sometimes I do and it feels so uplifting or something. It feels like a weight off my shoulders. But then other times – most times – I avoid it. Because I feel that my relationship with the God I was taught to believe in has changed over the course of my life given the series of events.

I also feel that there are many pathways to get to the same place. And I am sure that I am committed to mine and wherever that takes me.

I used to write Sunday Stories. That felt forced. I like the idea of it though. I love telling stories. And I love telling my own stories and talking to people about my experiences. I feel it allows them to share theirs and that is something I am totally here for.

I am creating a series of meditations that I want to put out into the world as a passive income stream for me and also as a service to my people and what I feel that I could do to support them. But I am also hesitant about it. I want to make so much money but I feel that there is a lack of clarity in that. Some sort of shame.

That making money isn’t spiritual. I’ve had every limiting belief in the book about money. I really feel like that LOL. But there seems to be something holding me back from BELIEVING that I can make this money. How do people do it?

No one really talks about the middle. In my experience I feel there’s a lot of talk about oh the beginning was so hard and here’s the struggle and all this and then okay now here’s the way I got out of it in 5 easy steps and you can do it too.

But what about the 1000000 times that you have to re-tell yourself that the story isn’t true or the belief isn’t yours and you can replace it with another belief? What about the days where you genuinely can’t or you choose not to and you succumb to old ways of thinking and being? What about the days where you seem to be stuck in the evidence that is stacked against you instead of collecting evidence that is working in your favor? The moments where an old story comes up asking to become a part of your conscious identity again? The days where you are ACTUALLY BROKE and there is not any money coming in. Where you don’t have a job and you don’t know what to do about it… or where you feel like you want some sort of relief and there doesn’t seem to be any because the only way out is through? Or the days where you realize that your suffering is literally only because of your own resistance and you can change that. Sometimes that is empowering and sometimes it can be self-defeating.

I want to talk about the middle. I want to talk about all of the shit that I’ve been through and how that process looked for me. What was it like to make meditation a daily habit of mine? NOT CUTE. It wasn’t cute… it couldn’t fit in a pretty little graphic with 5 steps, it just didn’t work that way. It still changes every day and I still feel like I need more and I can’t quiet my mind or focus it enough to get to stillness.

What about the process of accepting my sexuality? HELLO STILL ROLLING. Still live on that one LOL. Some days it feels fine. Lately it feels pretty damn good. But I had to mourn the loss of a life I thought I was destined for. A husband, a house, kids… people accepting me as “normal”, not having the added perceived hardships of not being straight. I still mourn that life and actually it feels like only very recently that I allowed myself to properly mourn it. And I still know that there’s a chance it could happen but I am also opening my eyes to what I feel now because what I feel now is real.

What about understanding the power of the mind to support us? WELL considering that I wrote when I was 15 that I felt my mind was going to kill me… I am a long ways from there but it’s been nearly that same length of time of me figuring out my mind’s role in my life, how to befriend it and use the enormous creative and intuitive power I’ve been gifted with from birth.

So yeah. I want to talk about that. The sticky messy beautiful middle. I’m still on it. I’ll be on it till I die. I’m here for it. And I’m not scared of it anymore.

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

**Photo credit Erris Burke – this is in Bearna, Ireland. Ireland is the most beautiful place.