When I want to go… what do I do?

I used to go. When I wanted to go, I’d go.

I’d run, in fact.

Sometimes I would run.

Now… when I want to go? I stay.

I have learned to question who it is that is telling me to go.

And why.

Why should I go?

I realize that anything that happens next comes from now.

Sometimes I feel that a lot to previous nows are in my present now.

Some of them are definitely ready to go.

As in patterns, habits, thoughts, beliefs, experiences from the past being carried into my present moment and impacting how I show up now.

What I choose to do now.

How I feel now.

Those patterns, habits, thoughts, beliefs, experiences from the past have previously told me to leave. To run. To say no. To ignore. To walk away. To disengage. To hide. To shrink. To fear.

And they still do. But the difference is that now I can see through them, around them, apart from them. I look at what is here now and I think… why should I go?

Is there any reason to go? Is there an invitation to go? What am I being invited into?

Where do I feel most successful?

Sometimes I don’t know what things feel like to me. Objectively speaking, in words, that is.

However my body knows and feels a lot.

And so I allow myself to sit with my body.

Yesterday I turned on a sad playlist and I started to cry. It wasn’t hard to do. It was actually so easy and felt natural.

So what if I stay? And allow myself to do that. To turn on a sad playlist and cry.

To sit with what is here below the chess pieces of life that I move around in order to secure and initiate a better positioning.

Instead what if I study the board, study the pieces and really allow them to show me where they belong and what is the best course of action?

What if I stay?