I received a letter this evening. From a supporter of my choreography. I would consider him a friend now in a way. He has been so supportive from the moment he entered into my artistic world and the support seems to be unending.

He is my pen pal I think. I would say so yes.

He sent a card this evening and in the card was a small fridge magnet. It is beautiful. In the card was also a letter and in this letter he said – I hope you are getting support as you are continuing to support everyone else.

Then he said it again later on down the page.

Wow. It’s just a little reminder to me – a big one actually – that we really have no idea at any one given moment whom we are impacting. Who in the world is thinking of us, sending us love, praying for us, writing us a letter or wishing us well.

I have been spending a lot of time alone lately. Pre-corona times have been quite solitary as well. Since about April 2018 there have been many a solo moment.

Without the conditioning of my mind to get in the way, I LOVE BEING ALONE. I LOVE IT. I feel good. I feel free, I feel like myself.

Conversations I have in my head with myself can turn me against that feeling and it makes me sad. Because then I am still alone and instead it feels like I’m not, it feels like I’m with a tortured version of myself. A double-sided me. Bleugh.

There’s another voice in there though. And I LOVE that one. Love it. The beautiful encouragement and kind words and blessings and celebratory remarks flow effortlessly from this voice. And this voice also reminds me of its divinity. I appreciate that because I have come to know myself as somewhat of a skeptic.

I have decided that I want to start compiling all of the things I know about myself. And the journey of that knowing.

I decided that earlier today because basically I was reflecting on how, if I look back on some things in my life, I have always known or been or done things in a way that was actually completely in alignment with who I was born to be. Things happen along the way, man. They really do.

I got my piano this morning. I got a flat tire right after it. I spent 6 hours in the process of repairing said flat. I wasn’t expecting it. I got insurance on the van rental even though I said no at first. I said yes last minute because I was afraid. I cried over the flat tire because I was afraid to spend more money because I had already spent money getting the piano and the van and the insurance that I wasn’t going to get but then I got it because I panicked and of course I wanted to be safe.

I hadn’t eaten breakfast yet. It was 11 am. I woke at 6. I was excited and nervous about my piano. It’s here now. I am going to get lessons. I am very excited. VERYYYYY excited.

I try sometimes to make decisions based on something that will last. But it doesn’t work. Things either last or they don’t. And that’s not actually up to me.

I received an invitation this week to join a cooperative. I won’t say much about it, but that it really truly gave me an invitation to recognize the ways in which I view the world and how I am faced with opportunities to truly embrace my individuality.

My grandmother told me today she’d send me a $5 check. I said if she did I’d spend it on an ice cream sundae. I just went to capitalize Ice Cream. Weird.

I don’t actually know if I’d spend it on the ice cream. I am eating very clean right now – it’s been about a week and a half. I am doing it for my hair. Long story but not really that long.

Sometimes my lines of questioning things freaks me out to the point where I am forced to allow myself to accept the possibility of the worst case scenario. Does it have to be that torturous? It really is torturous because it can take me a while to accept worst case scenario.

I feel that I have done that with something recently – losing a loved one. And it seems to be improving. The current state of affairs… not bad. Because I like being with me. And there are times when it feels torturous yes, but I know what that is now. I can name it as NOT ME. It’s not actually me. When I can name it as something foreign that means I can choose whether I want to keep it or not.

As I said – sometimes it’s not to easy to choose to let go. But it’s getting easier. And when I accepted love from myself about everything I went through today, I went for a walk.

I called my grandmother and thanked her for the birthday money and christmas money that I used today to help me get my piano here. I thanked her for the money to pay to fix the flat. I knew the cash would come in handy someday. Today was some day.

When I got home from the walk I checked the mail. And there was a letter from a dear friend, who was thinking of me just about at the same time I was wondering if anyone else cares about my human experience.

He said lovely lovely things.

It was wonderful.

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

** Photos taken by me on my favorite path in town. Rocks painted by beautiful souls probably in little human bodies.