I learn a lot about myself, but how much do I experience of myself?

OHHH man some days I can’t stop crying. Some days I just can’t stop. I feel that I don’t cry enough on a regular basis or something because it comes in floods and then it helps SO MUCH.

I have so much that I want to share. One can say that my internal world is veryyyy active.

Here are a few things –

Asking people how they are seems as though it has become futile. People either just ask it because it’s the standard thing and then people respond back with good, thanks or fine, thanks and you? OR people just DON’T ask – period. Like they will just text ya with whatever they want to say – no intro to the convo.

I am HUGE on asking people how they are. To the point where I can sometimes feel the awkwardness on the phone when I ask how people are and they are like… why are you asking me this… LOL BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOWWWW.

Most of the time it goes off like a basic transaction that we’ve been conditioned to have. But what I know about myself is this – if you said ANYTHING else – anything at all – I’d be here for it. I’d ask you about it or I’d respond to you in a sensitive way. I care about that. I care about sharing our human experience. I care SO DEEPLY about sharing our human experience.

And some days I just bawl. Because I feel that no one cares about my human experience.

Wow. That’s really it. I sit there inside my head – and I wonder – who the hell cares about my human experience? Is there anyone?

Recently – in the past 2 years – I lost two of the main people who I feel TRULY cared about my human experience.

Without them – I am slowly (I wish it was a little faster LOL) coming to realize that there is a gaping hole there because I haven’t quite learned to care about MY OWN human experience.

Like… I can ask myself – B, how are you? HOW ARE YOU? And say anything back to myself – and know that I’d care.

And in periods of my life where I stop writing (self-sabotage) – it’s harder to get it out. In days of my life where I don’t walk and can talk to myself – it’s hard to get it out.

So today – I decided to remember that I always have me. Instead of worrying about who I don’t have.

I will probably have this choice 10000000000 more times. And I hope that I make the right choice more and more.

I believe I will.

Having me doesn’t mean I don’t have anyone else. Having me means I can have even more people because I don’t NEED anyone else.

OHH PLEASE Universe I am on this path and I want it.

What do I have to let go of? So many fears. I know. And some people and some things and some ideas about life. And some shame and some guilt. And some awful memories and some old wounds.

And what happens if I don’t? I have this HUGE fear – this is the worst one – besides dying – that I won’t get it. That I won’t ever get it and I won’t ever figure it out.

Oyyyy that really gets me. That really holds me back from living. Stops me from experiencing myself. I just think about myself.

All damn day. No wonder why I am so wrecked LOL TGGGGG for yoga.

Thanks though. Thanks for this space.

Talk soon,

 

B-

**Photo credit: Erris Burke