The other day I wrote about how I know that I need to do things my own way. Today it hit me that I actually have a lot of shame in that. I harbor a lot of shame about being “different” and so that is in direct opposition to the core of my purpose which is to lead by my own unique example.

What a conundrum lolol. Honestly though what I have been contemplating about today is this idea of feeling shameful for being different. It happened because I have been having quite a hard time with getting through to Unemployment to receive the assistance that I am eligible for since COVID swept the planet.

But honestly – it’s only been hard because I haven’t been doing much about it except waiting and hoping that it will work out for me. Hoping that a system that is not built for something “different” will come around and let me just slide through even though I am “different”. They have regulated the system to include independent contractors like me, but it still has been complicated. I’ve been advised to call a number to apply over the phone and this number leads me to a dead end.

I haven’t spent too much time on actually solving the problem, I’ve just spent loads of time entertaining the false problem. These words are inspired by a Financial mentor of mine called Ramit Sethi. A person can mentor you even though you’ve never met them. This fact has liberated me greatly.

He wrote an email today and in it he discussed the difference between the false problems and the real problems. False problems are basically choices we feel we have to make decisions about that are a “problem” because they prevent us from seeing what is really going on.

So here – my false problem is ‘hmm should I call this number or that number or when should I call so I can get through etc etc.’ When the real problem is that I feel that I don’t deserve this money and I don’t deserve money and so I’m probably not going to get it anyway so it’s not worth the effort of trying.

But this has been a truly interesting experience because this time around I am continuing to do things about it when I find moments of clarity. I am owed this money and am deserving of it. I want it to work out because I can already imagine what I will do with this money when it comes in. So today I called my local representative’s office. And I SPOKE TO A HUMAN holy smokes thank you. It was incredible to speak to a human being who actually gave me a sense of assurance that they have someone who works with them who could actually take a look at what’s going on.

THANK YOU. And guess what – that took 5 minutes. So the false problems – kept me away from the real problem for months. To do this thing that people suggested – 5 minutes. To solve the real problem – I had to accept that “yes I want this money” and “yes I deserve this money” and “yes I will get it.”

Wow. Somehow in my life … actually. I want to take a little spotlight into Human Design right now because I am catching myself in something and I want to call it out. So basically my energy type is that of a Projector – a person who is not meant to work, they are meant to guide. BUT learning about the things I love and doing what lights me up is not considered work so I can do it whenever I want for however long I want as long as I feel like I’m energized about it.

I caught myself today wanting to do a lot and then stopping myself and making a different choice. The choice was actually to sit down here and write. But I am realizing that all of the things I feel like I want to do these days are all things I love. I love learning about Astrology, Human Design, meditation and yoga etc etc etc. So all of the things that I want to work on are things that I am supposed to be working on.

It’s the idea of work. Defining work. And that comes back to the whole being different thing.

Somehow in my life – when I was quite young I feel – I learned that being different was wrong. Very wrong. Because basically you couldn’t fit into the world that way. The world wasn’t made for you. And if you wanted to fit into the world it would be hard if you weren’t willing to change who you were. I get sad pains when I think about it.

Do you ever get sad pains? Like to me that means – I feel so deeply saddened by something that it pains me. It hurts deeply. Very deeply. I felt that around June 1st as well – it was probably technically the 2nd because it was quite late at night. And the whole day of the 2nd of June. When I realized that it was time to break away and properly break away.

I get sad pains when I think about how I learned that this world wasn’t built for me because I was different. That’s how it feels like I put it together at a young age. And then I feel that I proceeded to collect evidence of that for all these years.

Fast forward to today – I have to undo it all. Being left handed is different, being a woman is different, being queer is different, being an artist is different, being a dance artist is different, being an American who doesn’t want to live in America is different, being in my late twenties and living with my parents is different, being me is different.

But we are all different. So why does it feel so shameful for me? To me different = wrong. But only my different. Not everyone else’s different. People actually come into my life because they want to be embraced for their differences and I seem to be able to celebrate that for them and wth them. I am glad that I acknowledge this now. Because shame is something that I feel I was also taught to hide. Even the idea of feeling shame is something that seems like it need to be concealed.

I have had so much shame about my sexuality as well. Because it feels like when I was able to open up to the idea that I am not straight – it came out of nowhere to me. In the sense that I wasn’t expecting that or planning for it to happen at all. But at the same time I was fully doing what I felt was right for me and what I wanted to do at the time.

Until that time came I had no idea I felt so shameful about sex and sexuality. Never mind the fact that my sexuality being fluid was going to bring even deeper shame. What’s so shameful about it? That’s what I am asking myself these days.

I cry a lot about it. I just cry. Deeply. About the fact that I feel there is so much stuff on top of who I am. Stuff on top of what makes me feel good and what I already know to be true about myself. I think that’s why I am so happy about having my piano as well. Sound healing.

Concentration on something that actually brings me to a meditative state. And not in a numbing way the way that scrolling forever can do lol.

I don’t want to feel shame about who I am anymore. And I am sick and tired of not feeling like I can even talk about it or write about it. So this is a blessing. To be at this phase.

I wrote to a friend earlier – sometimes it “gets to me so harddddd to wish that I was back in Ireland”. That is it. I think the shame came flooding in, in droves, when I arrived back to the good old USA and back to my family structure and my family home. When I was there I was free. I was liberated.

Here I don’t feel that way. I am starting to, but the journey has been so deep and has felt intense and also has felt a bit unending. I am actually so glad of it though because if I can do this here then I can do anything I want anywhere LOL.

Yeah.

I love writing so much. It clears away the distractions and also allows me to entertain all the distractions. But still be here. And still do a thing that makes me feel like I can be here.

I love that. I love writing in that way as well. It’s not desperate. It’s flipping poetic and beautiful. The most liberating thing for my writing has been taking that sh*t off Facebook. This blog is connected to nothing.

Brilliant.

Delighted about that. Let me just be here.

I appreciate that very much.

 

Talk soon,

B-

** Photo by Taranis Photography – Diarmaid Ronan – Step Up Repertory Performances 2017