A lot of my self care lately looks like learning to be patient.

Learning to be gentle.

Allowing myself to take time.

Allowing myself to not know because being uncertain feels true for me right now.

It looks like being able to be patient with myself about not communicating with others especially through the pressure that I feel in my mind and body to hurry up and figure it out.

It’s scary to sink into the uncertainty.

I used to be afraid to be with what’s really here.

I had myself believing that if I allowed what’s really here to be here, then I would be stuck in it forever.

So if I pretended it wasn’t here then I wouldn’t have to be stuck in something scary.

Here’s what I am realizing. What has happened is that the pretending has transformed into ignoring and I have become habituated to living with all of these feelings inside me and thinking that this is my norm.

My equilibrium.

I have been exhausted for years. Maybe even decades.

Each time I allow myself to feel the thing even though it’s scary, a piece of vitality is unlocked.

I don’t have to be tired all the time. I really have to be patient as things arise.

They aren’t here to be here forever. They are here to transform.

So my self care looks like patience and faith and living in the uncertainty.

With grace (when I can).

And love.