Sometimes I feel an internal agitation, chaos and torture inside. I am reminded now of my work with entropy. I was talking about it. In 2022.

Sometimes I just feel really uncomfortable. I have a desire to expand my capacity to sit with discomfort. And to be uncomfortable.

In these times, it feels like there is nothing that can settle me. I feel like I need to be doing a million things at once and switch from thing to thing to thing. I feel distracted. I pick fights or I blame others.

I am feeling it right now. A program runs that makes me feel like I am wasting my time. Wasting the day. Not doing what I am supposed to be doing.

It is painful. I exploded. I am searching for a higher purpose when I feel like this. It doesn’t have an answer. Right now I feel like I can’t sit with myself and whatever it is that is rising. So I want to run away from it.

I also want to take a walk. I also wish it was earlier in the day. That’s the part of it that really lingers. Is driving this feeling right now. The feeling of … not enoughness. Running out of time and wasting time.

I remember at one point in my life, well actually consistently throughout my life in many ways, I have confronted time. Fought with time. Hated time and resented time. Wished for time. Wished for a different time. Wished time away.

Longed for time. Time with others, time alone, time for nothing, time for something. For the time to be right.

It is exhausting. This heart is tired of longing for time. Because it beats on repeat, all the time, no matter what. Until it doesn’t.

That part.

I want to shower. I want to be alone. I want to color. I want to take a walk. I want to enjoy my day. I want to feel loved. I want to be loved. I want to eat nice food. I want to disappear a little bit. But not for real … just the feeling of disappearing into something.

I feel the pressure of having to do certain things. To do list. Bleugh.
So here’s the thing, as I am writing this … I feel it shifting. The energy. And it is a relief. I have caught myself in a cycle of entropy. I have channeled my energy into something that can hold it.

Yes. Into something that can hold it. With love. Compassion. Gentleness.
Because sometimes it feels like things don’t stop. But I can.

And by stopping I mean breaking the circuit. So here I am.

Circuit breaking. For my own heart.
Heart is my word for this year. Heart is my word for this now.

Years … whew. And it’s okay. Yes. It is okay. I need the shower now. But I did this. And this was good.
Sometimes it’s not about time.
It’s about experience. Concentrated experience. Present experience. Doesn’t always require a lot of time. And sometimes it does. Whew.
It’s a lot for me. I have felt like I wanted to be done with this a few times but the words continue.

And sometimes the words feel good and sometimes they don’t. What I have learned about myself is that I usually need to write or say them anyway. It’s scary at times. I don’t know how I will say it or what I will say or how it will feel or how others will receive. That is scary.

But I am here. In my words. In my feelings. In my body. In my mind. In my heart.
Some words feel like heart. Others like mind. Some lines read like feelings. Others like words.
I love to do this. I love to write. I have to remember that. Even when I am not sad or upset or uncomfortable.

After 18 years of writing, there is not much reason to deny that it moves me. And the movement is for my benefit. The expression for my well-being.
The exploration of truth for my soul.
In a logical progression and sometimes not, like right now.

The output must happen for the intake to be received.

a lesson from this trip into entropy
entropy – a (temporary) journey of my energy from external to internal, calling me inwards, making me less available for external reality

To me. All of this is to me.
And to you, a hug. Loads of love. You are golden. Precious. Unique. Filled with magic. Infinite possibility. And love.

See you again.