This is a freewrite exercise because sometimes I just want to write and I want to share things unfiltered but my fear holds me back. So I am going to do it this way today because I have realized that what I want to do with my life is share. I want to share my experiences, my thoughts, I want to do this in order to know myself. In order to be my best self and contribute to this world in the best way that I can so today’s topic is going to be inside outside.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this so maybe its a bit of a cheat to think about this topic now but I want to share it because it’s been liking in my journals for a little bit.

Everything that we do has to come from the inside out and basically I kepr thinking about things that we can and can’t change or control. I feel like it’s our job to know ourselves. It’s my job to know myself  that is my only job here. SO I need to take that seriously. I do not take myself seriously. Do you?

 

I wonder what it takes to do that. I think it’s simple. You just do it right? I think it’s simple. I am even finding this simple task difficult because I know where it’s going. It is living in the internet space. And so basically this is less of a freewrite than my other freewrites have been because I am here on this platform and that is affecting my writing. I want that to stop. In order to be ourselves in this wild place, I need to be unfiltered. NO deleting no changing. But what about thinking before you speak?

What about it? I don’t know. What about thinking before you do … do we have to think before we do everything? What kind of a role does thinking play in life? What kind of a role does thinking play in my life?

Too big. Way too big of a role. We are not our minds. Our minds are not the only thing that make us who we are. What about all those moments where you just know things and you don’t know how you know them because your mind actually didn’t have time to catch up to this ephemeral knowledge that we all have within us.

It seems like magic but magic is actually reality. It is magical that we are here – we do not know where we come from. We have our ideas that we believe in so that we don’t have to take a look at the fact that it is actually completely MAGICAL that we got here. We know how babies are made and born of course. Butttttt we don’t actually know how we as a human race got here. Okay so this might be controversial (here I go trying to back myself up because I am on the interwebs) but honestly we are all human and imperfect in our means so because of that, anything that we can speculate can exist right? Theoretically – so if that’s the case then I can speculate that we got here by some magical means as a human race and potentially that could be what has happened.

We all believe different things. What do I believe? I”m not exactly sure but what I do know is that inside of me is where everything lies. And outside of me is where everything can be taken away in an instant. I had a thought this morning, after a turn of events in my life, that nothing outside of ourselves is actually ours. WE can think that it is, but really it isn’t It’s all completely disposable. So then it can go at any time. What are we left with? Ourselves… and if you don’t know yourself – well that is FLIPPING scary to be with at the end of the day when all of the things are gone right?

My biggest fear sometimes is being alone. Why is that? I just have to admit to myself that it’s because I don’t really know myself and I’m not aware of my own power and what is inside of me. But I am ready for a change now. SO inside – I can do. Inside – I can dream. Inside- I need to know. Inside – I can take action and I should. Outside – I accept. Outside – I work to accept. Outside – I learn to accept. Outside- I just simply accept.

Because inside is where everything lies. And inside is where everything can be molded, discovered, changed, expanded, lived.

Outside all depends on how we see it. And we all see it differently. So when you think about it…

What would you bet on? The sure thing or the mirage?

What would you bet on? The inside where you have all the control and the power because it is there waiting for you to acknowledge it. Or the outside where everything is changeable, depends on how you see it, can be taken away at any given moment because you bet on it instead of yourself.

Hmm. Why is this such a no brainer in writing and in practice it’s literally the biggest bad habit to break – relying on the outside.

I remember something being shared with me once and then reading it again in a book – NO ONE IS COMING*. No one is coming. So that means .. that we can’t wait for our chariot, our prince charming, our knight in shining armor. We are already that. For ourselves.

Time’s up. I’m glad I did this. Talk soon,

B-

 

*Shared with me by Catherine Young from a book called Making Your Life as an Artist by Andrew Simonet.