I don’t know what to write today, but I came here to write. So I will. I try to write an article once a week but the excitement for that hasn’t come yet this week. I thought it would today because today is Wednesday and the last couple of articles I wrote were written on Wednesday.

There are topics I want to talk about ad nauseum. Because these are things that are on my mind ad nauseum.

Death.

Grief.

And not just because I am experiencing them both at the moment.

Family.

I am reevaluating everything from the lens of connecting with the voice inside of me. The voice that shares with me what is my truth, my bliss, my wisdom. That voice.

Those voices. Of myself. My voice and my voices inside.

Processing the pain of losing family when I never expected it. Processing the pain of information being withheld from me by people who are family. Processing the pain of grieving for what feels like the first time. Because all the other times I just felt numb. I can only see that now.

When I was in it, I was being protected. My self was protecting myself.

When something happens, people should know. That is what I can’t seem to get past. There have been many times in my life where things happened and no one told me. That really hurts me.

Why does it hurt so badly? I would love to know the answer to this. Why, dear heart, does it hurt so badly?

And the biggest pain that I suffer is the torture within the sphere of getting it all out. Is it really important for me to get this out to the people who are involved? The people who chose not to share? The people who hurt me?

This is the most tender part of my heart. The little girl inside who wants to scream DO YOU KNOW THAT WHAT YOU DID HURT ME? CAN YOU SEE THAT I AM HURTING? Can you? Do you even think about me?

Because I think about you. So much it’s exhausting sometimes. And right now I am thinking about me too.

And I love you still. So much.