This is hard for me because I am realizing how much energy I spend on not allowing what is already happening.

So I am deepening my dedication to my yoga practice in a 300 hour training this year. It started in September and will run until August. One of the things my teacher is sharing with us is the philosophy of Tantra Yoga.

I am simplifying this tremendously, but what I am currently contemplating is the presence of acceptance, or not, in my life about what is really happening right now.

Tantra Yoga applies a philosophy of accepting and saying yes to what is happening right now. That it’s the first step even to changing it.

I am exhausted … when I tap into this idea of allowing I feel exhausted. I am realizing that I don’t really allow. I make choices but then I don’t allow.

What has really been hurting my heart lately though is taking responsibility for allowing how other people’s choices have affected me, made me feel, changed my life, etc. Because it’s like… WTF !!!! YOU DID THIS AND NOW I AM PAYING FOR IT.

Equally, so much effort in resisting the allowance of the fact that my choices, my actions, my path, affects others.

Whew. Words are here now but this process has been ongoing for at least 7 years. And words are here now.

Isn’t it so wild that we have a term called a year? And a year represents SUCH a long time. But we can minimize our experience by saying “years”.

‘I’ve been studying this for 10 years.’

‘We’ve been together for 2 years.’

‘I am 32 years old.’

It blows me away really. And I don’t mean minimizing with the connotation of “making it into less than it is.” I mean minimizing like… a zip file. Zipping it up – 10 whole years! Zipped up. Into the number 10.

Sometimes it feels hard to allow words because words label things. And because that is how we communicate and make sense of the world on many levels there is pressure to choose the right ones.

Sometimes I need to let myself say or type the ‘wrong’ ones to know that they are not correct. Or to say goodbye to them.

Yeah… so allowing is hard for me.

And people say… allow yourself to receive. You’re blocking yourself.

Damn I wish that those words weren’t ever put together HAH. Because honestly… I don’t like the feeling of having a belief that I have that much control over everything that I can also ruin everything or block everything.

Is that true? Is it?

Life can sometimes bring the thing that I think about and it usually brings the thing I believe so sometimes it feels true.

Allowing is also allowing that there are things that are a part of my experience that I wish weren’t.

So … how can I allow and also not feel like I’m going to be stuck in it forever?

That’s a fear. But historically speaking, I’ve allowed myself to feel my feels and then they transform. That has also been a long journey of allowing. Whew.

Allow. Every morning I use EFT… tapping… and I say “I allow, I allow, I allow…” all the way to the end. Then I accept. Then I embrace.

But I’m still presently on allowing.

Still.

Presently.

Allowing.