I want to share a few things that I know about myself. And a few things that I felt I had to be which really don’t suit me.

That’s why I came in here. But I want to start off by saying that there are so many times when I want to just sit down and write and in the past I haven’t done it. That time seems to be over with.

I feel this feeling again like I want to sit down and write whenever and it could come at any moment. What’s even better is that when that feeling comes I actually HONOR IT AND DO IT.

It’s flipping brilliant to feel this way again. I mentioned already how I want to make a list of all of the things I know about myself. Well it’s developing now and it won’t be a list anymore. It’s going to be more like a map. And in this map I will prove to myself how I have always known these things by backing them up with the things I am learning now.

IE. I have always known that I was meant to be a leader in some way – now I can show myself that there is specific information in all of the things I am learning that point to that and then also there are many examples in my life that point to that. So for example one of my main channels in Human Design is the Channel of the Self which is a leadership channel. Leading by example. On top of that I know from looking at my Astrology chart – with so many of my planets in my Sun sign of Scorpio in my 11th house – that in some ways I represent the collective. I am a representation of the whole.

And then there are examples of what I have done to express that you know? Becoming a yoga teacher is one of them. Being a choreographer, starting an internship program. I like to be able to lead with my example of how I am figuring things out in my life. Not because I think my way is the right way, but actually because I KNOW deeply how individual each of our paths are. And I feel that I want to talk about that. Transparently.

Sometimes I write big paragraphs and then I go back and split them up into smaller paragraphs because I have an affinity to small paragraphs. I wonder if that is something that in general that people prefer? To read smaller chunks separated rather than bigger chunks.

It’s a matter of perspective I bet because if they are broken up there are way more paragraphs but each paragraph is smaller. If they aren’t broken up there are way less paragraphs but each paragraph is bigger. At the end of the day it’s the same amount of words.

It’s really so flipping fascinating how many different ways you can view something. And that’s why we all are I think. Each one of us represents a different specific viewpoint on the world.

Yesterday I had such a wonderful day by myself. I played the piano twice. That brought me immense joy. I am so glad I did it. I have forgotten all about the flat tire now because when I go downstairs I have this instrument that I can obsess over and learn as much as I want to about. It’s very exciting. A nice thing to have right now during these strange times…

I have many things that I know about myself. One of the main ones is that I am meant to do things my own way. Literally everything. There might be the one way and then the other way to do something and then there will be a 3rd option – my way.

Sometimes it can be hard because I also love to learn about other people’s experiences to help me figure out how to chart my path.

I wonder this quite often – does everyone really grasp how individual we are? Because I am obsessing over it at times like – wow. I really am on my own here. There is NO prescribed way of life. None. It’s as liberating as it is fearful.

And some days it’s like WOWW I REALLY AM ON MY OWN HERE!!! I can do what I please. There are layers to that but at the simplest form it’s that – we are free to do what we choose. How do we choose?

That’s my flipping obsession lol. HOW DO WE CHOOSE? In my choreographic work – Two Can Do – I keep grappling with this question of choice  – what do we do with it? I want to get rid of it completely. Within the context of Two Can Do that’s what I want to do – I want to get rid of it COMPLETELY. Because I can feel it so deeply – there is this magical feeling that swoops in and takes control of the situation when we both deeply accept, allow and believe. There is some other force that makes the choices. And it keeps us safe whilst allowing us to experience something that we couldn’t have ever imagined what it felt like until we knew what it felt like!

LOL WOW. It’s so amazing. It really goes to show me how I need to let go of any ideas I have about how my life should be because what I deeply and truly want is for life to be more beautiful and true for me than I could ever imagine with my own mind. I have always been a bit skeptical of visualization. I feel like it’s something that feels forced.

But at the same time we are constantly visualizing. That’s what our minds do. So I recognize the value in it because if it’s going to happen anyway then it may as well be beneficial.

Yesterday in Anatomy of the Spirit I read a question that asked me – Do I pray for help with an outcome that I desire or am I able to say “I will do whatever Heaven directs me to do?”

CHOICE. That blew my mind. I get so attached to outcomes even though I tell myself that I don’t and I work away from that. I do not think that I am truly able to say “I will do whatever Heaven directs me to do” because what if it hurts? What if it’s not what I thought I wanted?

WHAT IF IT’S BETTER? What if it’s better, B? This is it. I have a gate in my human design chart – Gate 63 – it’s the Gate of Doubts… I also have a gate – Gate 64 – the Gate of Confusion – so basically I have the ability and gift of seeing all of the possibilities and all of the potential things that might go wrong and then the gift is to see all of that. Apparently that’s a gift LOL but I have to sift through it all to get to some clarity. It can be VERY overwhelming for me. And also I feel I can get stuck there. So it stops me from pondering – well, what if it IS better?

Two Can Do has taught me that – there is something that IS most certainly better – it is liberating, it is joyful, it is alive. It really is so super present and almost magical in its presence.

I want to live like that. All the time.

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

** Photo taken by Erris Burke in Bearna, Galway, Ireland. Heavenly really.