Recently I’ve been taking in information from different places about change. Change is a constant in our life. Things cannot stay as they are, even if we hold on to them to try to get them to.

It’s a funny thing really. Change. And to be honest I feel that I spend a lot of time reacting to change and having emotions, feelings and judgements about it.

But this morning during my daily visit with 1 Year to Get Rich with Purpose from DailyOM – the topic was forgiveness. What in my financial life do I need to forgive? WHO in my life, financial and otherwise, do I need to forgive?

A side note here – I catch myself sometimes deleting what I said – like  a word or something and then going back and writing exactly what I was going to say in the first place. It’s like theres a part of me that writes and then there’s the part of me that thinks and tries to get involved in the writing. I am very good at not allowing it to be there. I wish to have that mastery in all of life. There is a part that thinks.

A part of us that thinks. That part is very valuable. But that part is not my life. It’s just not. And no matter how many ways I understand that and how many times I learn it I feel I am still grappling with it.

I don’t mind the lifelong journey of grappling and discovering and diving deep into things. But I also want to have some freaking fun mannnnn and I would love things to get better than they are now.

I am remembering Pratima’s words (the Ayurvedic consultant) – she said – you must think “I am happy now. Thank you.”

I want to do that. But when I look around or when I look at my bank account sometimes I’m like…. hmmmmm.

I have been living paycheck to paycheck for as long as I can remember. Even in college in some ways I did that. With loans and scholarships. I had more money back then believe it or not. I graduated with it all spent and then a fking STRONG story of me being an artist and what being an artist means. AKA BEING BROKE.

I have been working to both create that and shake it since. I’ve had so many experiences since then and things have changed quite a lot for me. But I am still in a similar boat financially. And sometimes I just want to get so upset about it. Sometimes I want to sit down and cry and feel sorry for myself. But what happens usually is that feels connected to giving up.

oh my goodness that’s ITTTTT. Because I wonder why I don’t allow myself to experience my emotions, to express them and feel them and let them be there.

There’s a belief in me about how I basically can’t do that because if I feel sad or I allow myself to feel those things I’m giving up on what I want. I’m surrendering to it in a bad way and I’m allowing it to take over. To win. To control me.

I fight that. I fight it. But I have had experiences lately where I don’t and I allow myself to express what I am feeling. Then after some time I feel better and it feels like it’s transformed into something else. The evidence is stacked against me in many of the things I am focusing on right now.

Focusing on wellness, focusing on abundance, focusing on financial independence and prosperity, focusing on building my dream career, focusing on patience and allowing things to be revealed to me. Focusing on where I want to live and what I want to do for work. Mostly focusing on loving and accepting myself and building from the inside out. And healing from love, death and heart break. And maybe… allowing love in again.

Maybe it’s too much focus? LOL. Probably. But what I mean by that is basically when I am working through creating these new beliefs and taking on new ways of viewing the world around me, I feel that I have to measure up against the first 20 something years of my life where I was unconsciously taking EVERYTHING in. So it’s like okay what the hell is in here now and what is actually helping me and what is not?

Sometimes the process of doing that is upsetting because it’s like… shittttt there are so many things that I do not want. THEY DO NOT WORK.

I feel I have so much to say about that. But I also feel that I just need to let that be that.

There are so many things in there that I feel are stacked up against me. I have to be patient. Because I am building from the roots up now. The roots have to dig in deep first before the plants can sprout.

Talk soon,

 

B-

**Photo credit goes to moi. This is my rooftop. Gorgeous really.