I don’t think I’ve ever introduced myself on here. I haven’t written in a while because … well most of the time I don’t write when things are going too well in my life. And also when things are not going well in my life I also don’t write out of self-sabotage. That’s what my story is anyway.

A few of you incredible beings have joined me in the past few days. That was really beautiful. Those emails come in and I just think about you… a whole human being… who happened to stumble upon my writing. I wonder how you found it and what drew you in. Then what made you want to follow so you’d get notified whenever I write. And I’ve never thought about that before because I’ve usually just written out of a need to express, emit, escape, make sense of, pour out… something. Or a lot of somethings.

But I thought about you. I realized recently that one of my favorite things to do is to fall in love with people I don’t know. To think about you and to send you love. To think about you and wish you well and hope that wherever you are in your life, in your day and in the world that you might feel the deep light of love.

I’m currently fighting the urge to have this laptop resting on my lap as I write. I love that position and it’s so comfortable to me but I know that it is bad for me to have my laptop on my lap. It’s making it a bit harder to write but here I am. Working on multiple habits at once.

And actually I am thinking… what happens if I hold this laptop in between my knees so technically it’s not ON me but it’s higher up and I don’t have to hunch over my laptop… hmm this feels like the ticket for now.

So hi everyone. I usually just write for me. I am still writing for me but it feels like it’s for you too. I love this idea of sending this out there into the world and not knowing where it’s going.

I feel like I do a lot of things and I am a lot of things.

I know this: we have the whole world inside of us.

I feel like I’ve just come out of a period of time… a long period of time… 12/13 years long… of the moment when you feel like you might vomit but you’re not actually going to. Or that moment when you can feel like you’re gonna cry and then it gets stuck in your throat. Or you’re going to sneeze, but every time you feel it coming, it goes away. Mixed in with the feeling of… hmm… walking outside and then it starts raining on you. Or the feeling of knowing that you have something to do but you really don’t want to do it but you have to do it anyway. Mixed with the feeling of silence that calms the mind on a long drive … that deep listening that can come through all of the noise. That is in there too.

I feel like I’ve just come out of that.

And what is so amazing is that I could feel it was nearing its end when it was. Because I feel like I’ve become more consciously aware of my life and my existence through this journey of the past 12/13 years. So now I feel I’m able to participate and witness.

I want to write about how we define things. That is what I really love to learn about talk about and write about. I have so many running and I haven’t documented them. I also don’t know if here is the place. But I want to start and I love to talk about it.

I have started doing audio journals as well. I like to talk out loud. I wonder where my writing really comes from. My brain my heart or my soul. Is it an amalgamation of all that I am? Is it an excavation of the thoughts in my mind? Everything is connected and yet somehow I still feel disconnected so I search for what makes me feel like me. Sometimes writing is not it.

Sometimes writing is not it. But sometimes writing needs to come through me. Most of the time it needs to come through me.

Here are a few things that I love:

• I love to walk on the beach with something to hold in my hand like a shell or a rock or anything really.
• Replace shell with anything small in nature and replace beach with any place in nature, really.
• I love to squeeze the people that I love. Usually I squeeze their arms but sometimes their head or their leg or whatever I can.
• I love to be around babies. I love to spend time with them and love them and be in their presence.
• I love to eat delicious food. Food that makes me feel really good and I love to smell everything first before I eat it.
• I LOVE flowers. Enough said.
• I love tacos. I love to eat them and make them but by tacos I really mean Mexican food combinations. Like anything can become taco-esque to me. And I mean no offense by that at all because the Mexican tradition and culture has beautiful food that I am sure I am not even aware about. But I like what my idea of tacos are and I LOVE guacamole.
• That deserves it’s own line… I love guacamole. I love to eat it and I love to make it.
• I love to shower in the middle of the day – 2PM in particular. It feels SO good.
• I love to sit on the floor in the shower and forget about time for a while.
• I love to write.
• I love to sit here on my bed in my pajamas and know that I don’t have anything else to do right now except be here.
• I love to wrap myself in a blanket and have it cover me all the way up to my chin.
• I love to have stuffed animals on my bed but only a few and only ones I feel connected to.
• I love my flannel pajamas.
• I love to have conversations with people about what they care about. Tell me what you love, let’s talk about it.
• I love to watch movies that are romantic comedies and like… light things.
• I LOVE to watch cooking shows.
• I love to look things up in the dictionary and to re-define them for myself then.
• I love to learn from people who are just … so intelligent and experienced. Wow.
• I loveeeeee to listen to RnB. Old school type stuff.
• I love music. I love dancing.
• I love to be creative. Creativity feels like oxygen to me. My lifeblood. The thing that moves through me.
• I love to be beside someone in silent company.
• I love to take walks with my Dad.
• I love the sound of my Mom’s laugh. It’s actually the most amazing sound.
• I love to have conversations with people and just let my heart open to them. So much love comes back.
• I love Ireland. I love Ireland so deeply and beyond the scope of my current life honestly.
• I love to laugh.
• I love hugs and kisses.
• I love to get into a clean bed.
• I love to have someone cook for me. I love to cook for others.
• I love to have my schedule be open… like there’s nothing on it for a while.
• I love to schedule in rest. I write it in there. And then I do it.
• I love that I know what rest means to me now.
• I love that I have this quality that let’s me know when I’m done. It literally says to me inside… ‘I’m done now.’ < I love that about myself.
• I love that I really love myself. I really do. A lot. And that has always been the case, but I rediscovered it recently. Thanks for that.
• I love my hair and I love my eyebrows.
• I love to live in my own timezone.
• I love to teach yoga. And I love to watch people’s bodies transform through yoga. It is a real life miracle.
• I love the intangible things in life.
• I love to read multiple books at once.
• I love that I’ve cultivated a state of gratitude that feels like a way of being now. I am so grateful for that.
• When I can’t be around someone I love to say to them… ‘squeezin’ ya’ – just so they know that if they were beside me I’d be squeezin’ them. Out of love of course.
• I love that I have a good relationship with my exes.
• I love love.
• I love that.
• I love this list.

I want you to know about me. I want you to feel like you can connect with me.

My favorite color is yellow. It has been since I was seven. My favorite animal is a horse but I also love hedgehogs. If I were to be an animal I feel like I might not be either of them… I wonder what I would be. Maybe a cat. If it were between cat and dog sometimes I feel like a cat and sometimes I feel like a dog. My favorite day of the week is Sunday. Sometimes I do things and I have to learn things the hard way. Sometimes I wish that wasn’t the case but it is. I am a trial and error type of person.

I have lived a lot in these years that I’ve been here. I never underestimate the power of doing something once. I am working on being visible. I want to remember and embody the knowing that I am always visible. We all are. How beautiful is that.

So … that’s all for now I think.

Wherever you are in your day, in your life and in the world… I hope that you feel loved.

May you be well.

Talk soon,

 

B-