Ouch.
Ouuu.

Owww.

Ohhh.

It hurts in a way that feels physical. I cry so hard I feel like I might break.

But at the same time it feels like my crying muscles are elastic. Inexhaustible.

So if I start, I might just cry forever.

I am grieving the living as much as the dead.

I am grieving relationships that were not what they needed to be, what I thought they “should have been”.

I am grieving what feels like family should feel like because it doesn’t feel that way.

I am grieving in the massive gap, the giant hole of time that has passed since we last spoke.
I am filling that hole with my tears, my rage, my upset, my stories, my lies, my wishes, my hopes, my desires and still my love.

It is a sinkhole, it is a dump. It is a … what is it called where they throw all the garbage and eventually light it on fire? It is that.

I am on fire inside sometimes.

And sometimes I feel like I am in the jungle. Stuck in the forest, standing under the biggest rain cloud as it pours down over my head.

Weeping. Weeping deeply for the loss of what feels like my wholeness.

My foundation. There were parts that were tired. Rotten. Cracked.

I didn’t build it alone. It was built for me and it was inherited. This house that I inherited had cracks in its foundation. Big ones.

I ache over it.

How could you? How could they? These play on a loop within as I cry and cry and cry.

How could you not call me and tell me what was happening?

How could you not say Happy Birthday?

How could they stop talking to me like that?

How could they not notice that I was suffering?

How could you not care that I wasn’t there?

How could you leave me?

How could they not call to ask how I am?

How could you expect me to always make you feel better?

How could you expect me to be perfect?

How could you treat me differently?

How could you treat others differently than me?
How could you not write me back? How could you not call? How could you forget about me?

How could you not ask me how I am?

How could you not see me for who I am?

How could you not recognize me?

How could you expect me to be what you wanted?

How could you not see that those two things are not the same?

How could you?

I trusted you. I trusted you with everything in me and you set the example for me. Of what it was supposed to be like. Was it all a lie?

And how come?

How come you don’t call me?

How come you didn’t tell me?

How come you never apologized?

How come you kicked her out and left her when she needed you?

How come you chose a side?

How come you abandoned us?

How come you didn’t tell the truth?

How come you lied to her about everything? How come you expected us to lie too? How come you didn’t tell her about your wedding?

How come you never reach out first?

How come you invited me to your wedding?

How come you aren’t telling anyone what is really going on?

Really… how come? Why are things like this between us? Are you hurting over it as much as I am? Are you hurting over it at all?

Because I love you.

This is my childhood and I cannot remember.
I cannot remember the things that happened. But I desperately remember how I felt. And as I’ve grown older I am seeing things that are happening now and wondering if it was always this way. Was it?

Was it always this way?
Was it our job to keep you happy?

Was it our job to do what you expected us to do?

Was it right for us to feel like we had to listen to you over our own selves?

Was it okay for you to cheat?

Was it okay for you to lie?

Was it okay for you to give up?
Was it okay for you to walk away? Was it okay for you to threaten me with taking things away from me?

Was it okay for you to die?

Was it?
Because I am suffering in these questions.
And still I love you.

I wish the best for you, you know.

And sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I miss you a lot.

And you’re still here.

Sometimes I miss what I thought you were.
Sometimes I miss who I thought you were.

Sometimes I miss who you told me you were.

I don’t know what to do. So I do this.

A piece of my heart here.

Can you give me the benefit of the doubt? Can I give it to you?

I try. I really try. Do you?

I know I need to ask myself some of these questions too. How come i don’t call? How come I don’t ask you how you are? Many of these I need to ask myself too.

I am doing my best. Are you? I am feeling desperate sometimes about wanting things to be better. About wanting things to not be what they are. About how our relationships are just not what I wanted.

So what do I do?

That’s what I am trying to figure out now. Allowing a way forward to open up. A way that is supportive of our love. Are you going to be a part of it?

Are we going to do this together? No matter what, we are connected.
So how do I want it to be? How do you want it to be?
What are you willing to do? I am figuring that out for me.

I love you. I miss the idea of you. I don’t know where we go and I wish you could tell me.
I hurt, do you?
And I love you still.