Ohhhhh boy am I angry. Raging actually.

And you know what? It’s not about the death. It’s not about you dying. Its about everything else and everyone else.

It’s about others consistently making choices that restrict my life or affect my life and then I have to live out the aftermath of it.

I am so glad I got to see you. At least I got to see you. I know I could have called you and then maybe I would have found out. But I didn’t call. We didn’t talk.

Damn. I have peace with that because I know I loved you always and forever no matter what. That is how I feel about all of us. I hope you got my cards. Maybe you didn’t. But I feel in my heart that you did. And so then you knew. You knew that I loved you because I wrote that. And I know that you loved me because you wrote that to me too.

Those of us who are still living though… I don’t feel as easily forgiving for their actions. Or lack thereof. I feel angry about it.

Like I had a right to know. Like family should mean that we let each other know when something has gone wrong.

I trusted. So what happens when I feel the trust was broken?
But we all haven’t talked in years. Really years.
Except for a couple of us.
And also I want to say that I have tried and I have reached out.

I have written cards and texts and sent love.
I have also not. I have also not done that.
Just like everyone else has not done it.

Except for the couple who have. They are the ones I am the most mad at.

Please help me to understand, how is it okay to wish me a merry Christmas when the last contact we had was before the death and since then you haven’t even bothered.

And when I said to you that I was going to see him, assuming you had just found out when the rest of us did, you said to me “yeah it’s been a hard couple of weeks.”

Noooooooooooooooo.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

This is where I wish words could better express sounds because the sounds of rage are within me right now and I want to take them out on you so badly.
I am choosing silence. But this time for a different reason.

In the past I have chosen silence out of avoidance. Now I am choosing it for me. For me to check in with my heart and to ask myself, what do I do now?

Because we are all still connected. And because in my heart I love you still.

And there are parts of me that are really hurt. I am scared of them. However, I am taking the time to sit with them.

I wish so badly that we could have the type of relationship where we talk to each other about what is really happening and how we really feel.

I am clear on what I need. I am realizing there are big effects in my body, my life and my world because of not getting what I needed.

What I am not clear on is how to navigate all that is here. And how to navigate you. Why are you here?

I feel so angry at everything that I see you do that feels wrong. You hurt me. YOU. hurt me. You hurt me. Are you even aware of this?

This time around the wheel, I am learning not to be a victim to my identity, to my values and assets and the material world and next up: to my relationship with you.

I am scared about it because I don’t know what will come. But also I am so ready for it because I know that if it is meant to stay it will and if it is meant to leave it will. Through it all I still feel trust. Though my trust has been broken and it hurts to trust and be fooled, I still trust.

And I love you still.