Well this is the thing – I have been in a rocky relationship with God for a long time. Since birth I was raised to believe that God was a certain way and represented a certain thing and liked things to be a certain way. So you had to be a certain way as a person to be able to deserve to have a relationship with your God.

I want to make clear that by God I mean the term that people use to describe their divine power, their divine source, whatever it is that they connect to that is greater than them. I am aware that everyone in the world has a different relationship with it and I believe that there are many paths to the same goal of living an enlightened life and being your best self on this Earth.

So for me – being raised Catholic – there were many ideas about God and the Holy Trinity. I don’t remember questioning it much when I was a child. Though I’m sure I did and I blocked that part out along with everything else I blocked out by way of realizing that I was made to be quiet as a young child. That realization of being made quiet made me feel deeply sad for a while so I feel that there are a lot of instances of that which I can no longer remember.

My fingers write with faith though you see. I know they do because these things do not come from the mind that thinks they come from the mind that knows. The mind that knows because it is connected to the heart that loves and the God that heals.

I invested myself deeply into the power of the Universe. Universe was my God. Universe is God to me. It was for a very long time. Until very recently, reading the Law of Divine Compensation, when I felt compelled to pick up my practice of prayer again. So I started praying to God. God as I knew him when I was a child.

But now I am different. Why did I stray? Well because I started to date women and everything I’d been taught to believe by the church and religious family members was that there was no place for you to have a relationship with God if you could do something so wrong as to date or fall in love with your own gender.

So I felt shunned. I felt ashamed. I felt like I was doing something wrong. It affected the whole period of my two relationships with incredible women. It was there in the background – me feeling like I was living life as a sinner.

Recently I have started to allow myself to read a lot and read whatever I want. Some of the things I am reading are about abundance from a spiritual perspective. It is in these books, along with a few of the financial literacy books that I’ve been reading, that I feel like I can find God.

God is in these. There’s no way that these teachings were written without the presence of a higher power. So I have been blessed with the gift of reconnecting. As I am. As I am learning to accept myself completely and embrace fully who I am in this life. As I am questioning everything and learning to be okay with not having any answers… I am reconnecting with God, who has all the answers and that seems to make it easier.

Last week in the Daily Om course I am doing – it’s called 1 Year to Get Rich with Purpose – we discussed letting go of the past. This past week we discussed letting go of the future.

Letting go of the past has been hard for me because it seems to have me looking back at things and events in my life and the pain is there of realizing that there were moments I was lacking faith and belief. And realizing that this lack of high frequency was probably a contributing factor to the suffering I experienced. That feels harder than what I feel now… which is that I can see that if I focus on having faith and belief in the present moment – the future will be taken care of because I will be led to things that continue to increase my faith, belief and abundance.

That seems to be something that is way more accessible for me and acceptable. Finally. The lights are on.

I have been studying many things over these past … well probably the entirety of my 20s. All of them have one thing in common and that is faith in what you cannot see. The power of the process of transformation which is invisible. The process of transformation itself is oftentimes invisible.

So how do we have faith in it? It’s been time for me to call in the troops. They’ve been waiting. He has been waiting. So I have been stalling and now I no longer will because honestly I look at some of the things I am seeking in this life and I want to believe they can happen for me but I have to override my belief that it only counts if I do it on my own.

It’s a woeful thing I learned from a child. Mostly from my mother I feel. She always would say things to me like – well you have to be an adult – pay for your own things buy your own things that is what being an adult means. And then as I started to get older and go into different jobs and focus on my art and creativity I kept wondering – okay well how the hell does this work? Where does money even COME FROM? I had myself convinced that money came from other people and some just had it to give and others didn’t.

Thank God I read the Law of Divine Compensation (Marianne Williamson) – because she addressed this and it has become very clear to me now. She said – money doesn’t come from people it comes THROUGH people, from a divine source. And she said so long as you feel that money comes from other people you will always see others as the source of your good and your happiness. Well isn’t that just something. SOME. THING. For real.

So I let that sink in as deeply as I could because I really felt it. And I am glad to know now that I can see it differently. Money comes through people. Service comes through you from God. This provides whatever resources you need.

I am excited about this new perspective and I am excited to regain my relationship with my higher power and allow it to continue to transform.

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

** Photo credit – me. In Salem… with my Mala beads. I love them.