Frustration. Anger. I hear myself. Talking out loud to myself I hear myself say these words that remind me that this is a part of what is not actually me. Me at my core, me at my unique frequency. Me as I am designed.

To be successful. To feel success. To be recognized. To feel appreciated. Valued.

So basically I find myself being dissatisfied with what I have. It feels greedy to be dissatisfied with what I have. I feel uncomfortable.

I am not sure if the discomfort comes from my body first or from my mind first. The classic tale of the chicken and the egg.

But I know, I have been told, if my body feels really uncomfortable it’s usually a signpost.

I find myself fishing for answers, fishing for reasons, fishing for invitations, fishing for validation. Fishing, you know?

When you fish, you have a tool. A fishing pole or something. You put it out there and then you wait… actually…. Maybe this is exactly what I am here to do!

Go fishing!!

I struggle because I don’t want it to feel desperate and sometimes it does, sometimes it feels like I am trying to make things happen.

Which I equated to fishing. But maybe that’s not actually what fishing means to me. What fishing really means is deciding you need to eat, gathering the tools, putting them out there and then waiting and while you wait you pay attention, you are there to notice what comes and bring it in.

There are more layers to this. Because … well I don’t necessarily want to eat just any fish.

So maybe it’s about setting up the specific tools, to catch the specific fish I want to eat. Let’s say it’s salmon. Okay yes mmm I love salmon.

I have to be where the salmon are. I have to have the proper equipment to fish for them and thennnnn I wait. And when I get one, if it is healthy and feels correct for me then it is a part of my journey.

So then what am I talking about when I said “fishing for invitations”? What do I actually mean by that?

An image just flashed through my mind, two actually. One of me standing in shallow water using my hands to try and grasp for a fish by just continuously plunging my hand in the water and hoping to come up with one.

Another is of me swimming, snorkeling, trying to catch things with my hand or a small net as I swim.

Hmm… it’s about the passivity. I need to set up a pier. Gather my tools, thrown my line out there and wait. The lens, the efficiency. Yes. We are all doing the same thing, but I am here to see uniquely an efficient way to do it. To help others.

This is not just about me getting my fish. This is about the fish coming to me so I can support other people to fish efficiently too… hmm that part isn’t so clear.

This is why I feel words matter so much. What they mean has created programs that play out in my mind to “support” or “protect” me. I am coming up to meet some of these now and realizing how much of it is exhausting me and not actually supportive or protective in a healthy way.

Opening the mind to meet the heart. My heart. My mind.

Wow. Thank you.