I feel tired of having to be this person that others think I am.

There’s something that seems to have been learned in me that says – don’t call anyone unless you are in a good mood. And if they call you, make sure you sound happy so you can make them happy.

Oh it can be exhausting at times. And honestly when I am just being in my energy by myself, I don’t really notice if it’s happy, sad or what. It just is. No time, no space, no judgement… just awareness and presence.

I love the time I have by myself. And I love the sound of my voice when I am just talking to myself. I love when I can recognize that it’s me.

The second another person comes into the picture it’s this game of navigation and awareness and energy reading. I am here for it. I am. I also know that this is a part of the human experience. But lots of times I just feel like… okay once I get away from this situation I can be me.

I don’t want to feel like that all the time. Sometimes I remove myself from the situation because I don’t feel right.

Other times I don’t know what to do. Because maybe I am there to learn something.

My meditation practice has been super distracted lately. I can’t seem to be able to focus my mind on any one thing.

I had an Ayurvedic consultation a couple of weeks ago. She came on the screen… I couldn’t see her, I could only hear her lol it was interesting. But she could see me. She told me… you didn’t say anything in your forms about having acne. But I can see it.

I was upset about that. I love my skin, think it looks fine. But now it doesn’t LOL. Anyway she also asked me about yoga and meditation. I am a yoga teacher and I teach a few classes a week on ZOOM. She asked me what kind of yoga I teach. I said Hatha, but I am also very inspired by a teacher who works through yoga asanas from a functional perspective – focusing on the body and the safest ways to enter into postures and create space in the body.

She asked me what kind of meditation I do. I said these days mostly loving kindness. She said this sounds like concentration. She said meditation is “I feel happy now. Thank You.” And you can feel that in anything at all not just sitting down to meditate and ending up concentrating.

The way she said the words “I feel happy now. Thank You.” honestly cut right through me. I can remember it in an instant. Something about the way she said it just really struck me deeply. I have been contemplating that a lot since our conversation.

She also said I cannot have ANY DOUBTS in what I want and I have to be SUPER CLEAR about what I want. WELLLLLLL there are my two biggest problemos people.

What I do know about myself is that these things are not revealed to me through my mind. They are revealed through quieting my mind, through focusing my mind’s attention on something that allows me to access all of the knowledge within.

I sometimes have VERY clear conversations with my guardian angels. Sarah and Lucas. VERY clear and like I mentioned about the beautiful voice of encouragement – similar sentiments through them. They have so much love for me and encouragement. I know that it’s possible to feel that more.

I feel fine today, really fine. But then someone calls me and expects me to be bubbly and bright or whatever – if you expect me to elevate your mood and I don’t – is it right of you to ask me if I’m okay? Or should you be asking yourself if YOU are okay?

This is a lesson I need to take for myself. I can be very quick to ask another person if they are okay because I feel weird around them or in conversation with them. But really I need to ask myself if I am okay. Sometimes I think I do that because I wish that they would ask me if I am okay.

But I learned a fun Human Design fact yesterday about Definition. Definition describes the way that our chakra centers are connected – in a Human Design sense of course. I am single definition and single definition people are able to live in this world as individuals. They don’t need anyone else to complete them. So basically I can take a partner if I love them and I feel good with them but I don’t need any other human being to complete the definition of my centers. They are connected by a steady channel of energy flow.

NOWWWW there is so much wrapped up in my conditioning that prevents me from feeling that way. But I can see by the way I am loving the time by myself – it feels very familiar to me – that things are falling away. It’s not been easy at times and other times it’s been super easy. I am on the journey of releasing what has been conditioned into me that makes me feel like I need others and I can’t just be myself as I am.

So if you call me and you are not okay… it’s not my responsibility to elevate your mood by shifting myself into acting a way that doesn’t feel authentic to me in the moment.

Here’s the sentiment that sticks – If I AM NOT FEELING OKAY, IT IS NOT SOMEONE ELSE’S RESPONSIBILITY TO SHIFT THEMSELVES INTO ACTING A WAY THAT DOESN’T FEEL AUTHENTIC TO THEM IN THE MOMENT JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL OKAY.

Because like I said, when I am alone, I am OKAY with however I feel in every single moment. Sometimes I want to crawl out of my skin, but that means there is judgement or expectation there.

Without judgements and expectations, I am really really okay with how each moment makes me feel. And those moments are increasing, thank the heavens. A lot of that work is being done through actually allowing myself to feel how I feel.

It’s interesting – feeling and expressing feelings. I suppose really what I mean is expressing how I feel. Because I feel it inside – but do you ever feel like when you feel something inside it’s completely a different experience to when you feel something from the inside through to the outside?

ie. I feel upset and I think about it all day vs. I feel upset and I talk out loud about it and I cry or whatever else.

Feels completely different.

I am going to do some spring cleaning today I think. Inspired by the lovely letter I received from a caring friend. And I am going to play my piano today.

Happy for that.

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

* If you’d like to know more about any of the things I’ve chatted about, or my yoga classes, comment below and we can chat!

** Photo taken by me of myself.