February 6th. I celebrate the 6ths of the month. For me you know? I was born on the 6th. It is my day.

On the 6th I read my morning meditation and it was about trusting our hearts. How sometimes (many times for me) we will go into different ways of dealing with painful experiences that involve the mind, instead of just letting the heart be trusted to accept the hurt and move on.

Basically running circles around the pain – intellectualizing it, agonizing over what went wrong, regretting every second of it, trying to learn a lesson from it, talking about it, not talking about it, writing about it, moving past it, blowing through it … but the body remembers. And the heart is built to love. Trusted love can overcome any pain. Is what I think this meditation inferred … I think that yes.

So it also said – sometimes we intellectualize things instead of just simply saying ouch.

Ouch.

It hurts me to say ouch. But it has changed my life in many ways just in this past 5 days.

Repeatedly I say ouch to death. Ouch to lost love. Ouch to betrayal. Ouch to feeling abandoned by people who I thought were there for me. Ouch to it all.

It really does hurt. But saying ouch some how allows it to be accepted.

How does it feel when you stub your toe and you hold your tongue? I don’t know about you, but for me I actually feel even worse if I think about it… because the pain radiates through my body while my mind is focused on not allowing myself to express it.

The energy of not letting myself express compounds the pain.

So if I think about it… the amount of pain that has been compounded in my body has probably got enough pressure in it to make a diamond.

Ouch.

Sometimes I stub my toe and out it comes – OUCHHHHH @#$%^&^%$#@#$%^ ya know?

Oh mannnnnn that is reality. Giving birth to the present moment is pain for real sometimes. But I will say this – it happens way more when I am alone and I wish it just happened way more in general.

But pain is the one thing that brings us to the present always… even if its only for a microsecond before we realize that we can’t express it in that moment. Pain brings us to the present.

Why is that?

Pleasure does it too… but could it be that in this life we allow ourselves to have pain more than pleasure?

Dancing causes me pain. A lot of it. Because I don’t let myself be grateful or acknowledge myself in my dance.

My background. I am not proud of it. I can’t even write that though because it feels wrong. Because I am proud of it.

I don’t let myself give birth to that though. I am holding my tongue.

 

I am holding my tongue on my dance.

 

Today’s meditation – what life is expecting of us. So how can we live the life that life is expecting of us? We need to show up fully. As ourselves. Fully. Full. Ly. Fullllly.

Today I got up and I went to dance. I performed. I didn’t have a single thought about being inadequate. Not until I returned home and got into the shower did I think about anything that could have tainted my experience of being full. Fully being.

Can I even put into words what this realization means? It feels like I showed up shouting OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH all day. Giving birth to the fullest expression of myself in every moment.

For now it is ouch.

But pretty soon its going to be oouuuuuuuuuuuuu.

 

Pain and pleasure run along the same neural pathways – two halves on the same weighing scale. So on my path to inner peace, I hope I can flip the scales a little bit in this duality.

 

B-