This is a thing that I could do all the time (writing). I am in the process of looking for jobs. I’m not looking too hard yet but I’ve decided that I want to. I want to work for someone else who can teach me things. I want to be in an environment where I can learn and learn quickly. But I don’t want to be mistaken and I don’t want to mistake myself for someone who is willing to work like a freak and be constantly stressed and work fast paced.

No.

Not at all. But I am wondering where these people are… where are the successful females who are building their empire and want some support with it? I want to support that. Because that is where I am headed. I want to be there for you and let you know that I’m here for this and I can support you with my skills. I had the extreme blessing of being blessed by 6 interns who did this for me since January and it is literally incredible.

I want to be in a different place than I am now. So long as there is that story going on … there is suffering going on. These past few days have felt SO weird.

I have to relay some stories that I feel like I need to go. I need them to be released from my spirit or I should say released from my human existence so that there is less weighing on my spirit.

STORY: Poor me. I don’t have any of the things I am supposed to have at this stage in my life etc etc. I don’t have my own car so I have to use public transportation to get around everywhere. Poor me.

Here’s the thing – the other day we lost power because of a storm. Loads of trees and electrical wires down. We lost power for about 36 hours. I hadn’t had that experience before of having lost power for so long. Not as long as I can remember anyway. I was meant to go visit my parents who are down the shore. I had the plans and everything and I was ready to go. Spent the whole afternoon cleaning the fridge and freezer because everything had been without power since the day before and ice was leaking all over the freezer. Thank goodness my grandmother happened to be in the area, she came to help me.

I really enjoy my time with her. Extremely. She is a wonderful person. Fundamentally we don’t agree on some things and it’s hard for me to wrap my head around that because I want the people I love to love me back as I am. I want to love myself as I am. Yesterday I said to someone, I love myself a lot but I don’t always enjoy being me. I am not able to be completely me around people all the time. She grew up saying… God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. I don’t know really what to make of that. But it was ingrained in me.

A rhyme always does LOL. It’s too damn catchy.

This upsets me though because it’s like… well these are all big ideas that I was given to digest as is without questioning and I was only tiny.

I went through a whole box of my things in the basement yesterday. That was my task and for today too. I want to go through my things and get rid of what I don’t need. Simplify my life. I don’t know where I’ll be going next.

Everything feels so up in the air and I am willing to have that. It actually feels like it’s all in the fire. That’s what it feels like. And right now there is a lot of smoke billowing because all of those things are being purified. They aren’t quite pure yet. So you know that part of the fire where you put a lot of newspaper in it or something?

Grey smoke that kind of billows about the place. Can’t see a damn thing. Can’t see the things that are in there. Can’t see the flames properly. Can’t see beyond the smoke.

That’s how I feel right now. I want to know where to work what to do where to live who to love where to go next. I want to know all of those things. I may as well put them all together in one word LOL.

So I was supposed to go visit my parents yesterday … no two days ago now. After an afternoon of cleaning in the heat with no electricity – the kind of heat that lingers. Not unbearable so long as you don’t move too much. I moved way more than I have moved in WEEKS I feel lol but that could just be the egoic dramas of it all.

I went to the train station. I had to take 3 trains to get close to where my parents are. I already wished I had a car and could just drive myself. My brother has a car. My parents lease it for him. I feel upset about that. And that’s real for me. I feel embarrassed to even write that but it’s so real for me right now. It needs to be thrown into the fire but I feel I can’t yet I’m still attached to it because I feel sorry for myself. Like woe is me I don’t get treated the same way. I am the Cinderella child of the family.

So I’m upset because I’m like… okay so because this car just belongs to him because they say so, I don’t have one even though our family owns 3 cars – one is literally crap and can only be used locally. Which he would be staying. The other is “his”. OH man it’s embarrasssinggggggg that I even CARE but it hurts me. It hurts.

So I’m on the train – train 1 of 3 is good. Train 2 of 3 is … not good. I get to the stop I’m supposed to but on the way to that stop I am told that the 3rd train is completely suspended. It was on the website. I just didn’t look hard enough. Another notorious problem of the notorious B LOL. Not preparing enough. I’m not a preparer. I’m a … see you in the present moment and let’s make magic together kind of gal.

I get off the train and I turn around and go back home. As I walk in the building the power is BACK. Literal blessing. Silver lining.

But I was thrown. I was thrown for the rest of the day. I was avoiding feeling sorry for myself but I truly did feel sorry for myself. I was avoiding being upset about it but I definitely was. And I was avoiding this story of being the neglected child. Of being the one that has to fend for themselves even though it’s clear they could use help but because they are of a certain age they are half out and half in.

In the middle some could say. This is it. The middle. I could write a wholeeeeee lot about the middle.

I want to let go of that story that I am shit and my brother is not. That he does everything perfect and everything works out for him meanwhile I have to struggle and suffer and people feel sorry for me.

I want to write so much more about it but I am stopping myself. I read in Caroline Myss’ Anatomy of the Spirit –

Make no judgements

Have no expectations

I am digesting those.

But I am also like awh man B. You are struggling with all of this and I know it feels hard so just let it out. See it, acknowledge it. See how it feels… ask little B why she feels this way – why are you sad little B?

I’m sad because I feel like I got abandoned at a certain age (17) and I was supposed to just figure it all out. I took pride in that. And I did it. I was left to pay for all my own things. I went off to college and I was on my own and that was it. And now it’s not all true. There were still things my parents helped me with. But it just wasn’t what I was raised to believe that parents were meant to do for their kids.

I get upset because I truly feel deep down that it’s all OKAY. It is all o.k. And if the truth was presented to me at any stage I could have accepted it wholeheartedly. But it’s harder to accept the truth in retrospect over the story. The stories are fantastical, they are detailed, they are emotional, they have grit. So they are easier to hold on to. The truth of the matter was not revealed to me. I could take guesses. What the truth felt like for me and what my true feelings were – was that my parents were like okay… we’ve spent enough money on you, we have nothing left for your college savings, we’ve spent all of it on your dancing (and on the extension for the house). If you want to keep dancing you can pay for it. And hopefully you’ll get some help with college cuz we have nothing saved.

So then I felt left on my own. When I came back and forth from college there was all this pressure on me to “contribute” to the house hold. When I was away there was all this pressure about the fact that they had to keep my car in the driveway and keep paying my insurance.

I do not see any of that with my now 20 year old brother. NONE. They leased him a car. They pay for it. They pay for insurance. They don’t want him to live anywhere else so he can save money. Etc etc etc.

It hurts me deeply. As a young child I feel I learned that material things show love (I was certainly taught that) and care and nurturing. So then when they go away and it feels sudden and without any conversation it hurts. I can clearly still feel that pain.

I feel as though every pain I’ve felt in childhood is ready to be seen now. So it’s really wild to be writing about this. And it came up during this train journey. Because 2 cars are sitting at home. And neither of them is accessible to me for me to go and visit my parents.

I don’t know what’s worse the embarrassment and judgement I give myself over this or the upset of it all. Definitely the embarrassment and judgement. It’s suffering. Unnecessary suffering. And there is a LOTTTTT of resentment and bitterness over that.

I have been studying Human Design for the past couple of years and basically that is the signature of my energy type – Projector – when we are not living in alignment with our true energy flow.

Things just keep working out for him. He has so much money for his age. Even for my age.

Age is huge. So in my teens and my early 20s I feel I was obsessed with releasing myself from the constraints of time.

I feel it’s hit me that the overlap between 20s and 30s must be about age.

I want to just not give a fkkkkk about how old I am and what that means about what I am “supposed” to be doing for my age.

My mom once said to me “you aren’t doing any of the things you are supposed to be doing for your age”. Something like this. I have the photograph of the moment in my mind but the exact words escape me because they were scorching hot.

I get scared to write about these things even because I don’t want anyone to get upset about what I think and feel. BUT WHERE DOES IT GO THEN? Nowhere.

It stays inside. Because I am too afraid to say it then I don’t say it. And it doesn’t feel like enough to say it in my journal. I want to express it here. Release the story. It feels like my story but I know that none of it is my story. So it’s almost like once I get it out here I can stop identifying with it.

I want nothing more than to throw my entire existence and identity into the fire and see what comes back.

And so it is.

Talk soon,

 

B-

** Photo credit – moi!! Little selfie in preparation for some new yoga classes a few months ago.