#SundayStories – Wishing I never left, pretending I didn’t…

Before Christmas I left Ireland and I had really run out of reasons to be there … legally. But in my heart and soul I had a million reasons to stay and a million reasons why I felt like I belonged.

Belonging. It’s such a crazy concept. What does it mean to belong? Because there are things that make a person feel like they belong and then there are these rules in society that … what do they do… they allow us to feel like we belong.

I just don’t understand how, as humans, one group of us can make rules about where another fellow human can or cannot spend their own time. We don’t have autonomy over our time. There are a lot of things we don’t have autonomy over as a human race. But why? Because who said that we had to have things the way they are apart from other people?

People controlling people. And blaming it on something outside of themselves. Something outside of “us”. The rules are made by people. To govern other people. So if I am in a certain position and a certain place with a certain identity I can decide who can or cannot come and be in my place. I just don’t know.

This feels hard for me to write because it feels so personal that I can’t even get to the point. And because this is a free write I can’t get rid of any of it. I promised myself that. But really I am already reflecting on what I wrote about 30 seconds ago and thinking to myself – just say what you really want to say.

What I really want to say is this… I think it actually broke my heart to leave Ireland. Because I wasn’t ready. And the worst part of it all was that I had to go because a force outside of my own will and autonomy, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to stay. I didn’t have any good enough reasons. I joked about it a lot. And that was the joke that I always told … that I ran out of good enough reasons to stay.

But really that actually kills me inside because I had a life, a love, beautiful friends, a home, a community, and the beginnings of a pretty fulfilling career. And most of all I had inner peace, confidence and was full of gratitude for my life and my surroundings. This place… Ireland… is my spiritual home.

Since Christmas, I have been struggling with myself because I am actually back in the states. I’ve been beating myself up over my communication skills about my new chapter. I have been avoiding even talking about it and in fact there are people over in Ireland, people who I care about and who are a part of my community, who probably don’t even know that I left! That is not the way that I would have wanted to talk about this situation if I had my choice. But I felt like I had to protect what was left of my broken heart. Every time I thought about it and every time i still think about it… I just am hurting so much to accept this life that I have created and the choices that it has lead me to … perhaps if I was working in business or in the sciences I would have been able to find a job that would let me stay.

Then I thought… well it’s great for me as a dancer and choreographer to be coming back to NJ. So near NYC what’s more to love?

My inner peace. My sanity. My confidence.

It is all slowly coming back. it’s all a part of me so I know it will be revealed in a new light as I allow myself to shed the fears that I have from being here and to mend the broken heart that i left Ireland with to come back to my childhood home and start a new chapter.

I just feel that I have not been able to even accept what I have been living these past few months because of the hurt that lies behind it. I wish every minute of every day, for a time in this life where people can go where they please simply because in their heart and soul they know that it is what they want or need for themselves to live a soulful life.

As a human race… we should be able to support each other to walk this land as if it was all our own because it is. All of it is ours and none of it is ours really.

This is what my solo was about in RAVENOUS. And I am only DELIGHTED to say that I will be back in less than a month’s time. In Ireland performing RAVENOUS at the Limerick Fringe with the Step Up 2017 gang again.

My heart is full thinking about it and my soul will be set on fire once again with my return. Until then I’m settling in. And slowly accepting. And also … reminding myself that I can feel however I want about a place that I call home because it is my choice to call it so.

Home is where the heart is … that’s what they say right? So if our hearts are inside of our bodies… then I can be at home wherever I go. That’s all for me today.

Talk soon,

B-

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Why I write (part 1 of many perhaps…)

I don’t normally do this… actually I’ve never done this. But what I wrote this morning in my journal is something I would like to share for the first time. (Ever. ever ever. Dun dun dun.)

Stopped writing or a few days and a storm started brewing inside. My meditation this morning was about trusting my core self. And Doreen’s cards were about listening to your intuition and intuitive guidance. Why does that feel so hard? It really feels like I’m torturing myself. This world has so many possibilities so it makes me feel like I really can do anything.

And I think my ego has guided me in the past to do whatever it takes to follow through with what I said. Probably because that is attached to how people will view me. And – I was going to write –> “But what about how I view myself?” BUT … What I really just need is –> What bout who I am? How I am? I am. That is enough.

I have read that. Writing allows me to be because it focuses the ego and the mind.

Why is it so hard to make choices? I feel disconnected from what I already know about myself so then when faced with a million options I consider them all. And it seems like my ego weighs them up. But then there’s the spirit soul just being underneath that, with all the answers. She wades in a pool of knowing as the rays of intuition shine down on her to keep her glowing. She’ll never leave because where she is, the universe supports her eternal life. And she drinks from the pool when famished. So she knows.

That is inside of me. Just underneath the ego. Closer to my heart. I read somewhere … The book is called The Journey of Self Discovery– its my newest adventure – This line –> “Study yourself.”

We are all a microcosm of this place. If we know ourselves and we study what’s already here, we can affect change by being our best selves. What is the point of putting on another costume, thinking we are making a difference, when really there is just another layer added to the ego that lengthens the journey to our spirit?

I don’t like to make these statements but I feel this one is coming from a deep place – Intention is everything. If I study myself I can act with clear intentions and make my biggest effect. And hopefully it allows me to have an easier time making choices, too.

Talk soon,

 

B-

Dancing in the rain

I danced in the rain today. Literally. But there’s something about that phrase – isn’t there a quote that goes something like … learn to dance in the rain? Something like that.

Anyway – it’s such a funny process to go through – surrendering. I experienced it today in such a physical way that it gave me so much hope for surrendering to all other aspects of this life. I’d like to share the story with you. (I’m currently sitting in my cousin’s bed procrastinating on a funding application… so that’s me right now and it’s obviously the best time to tell this story)

I was asked by my aunt to dance in the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Galway – with her daughters’ GAA club. So I said yes. I had to do a dance with a Gaelic football. Piece of cake… lol. It was a lot of fun actually. Once I gave up on every thought or desire I had about how the day would go. To be honest I didn’t really have very many but I can name a million experiences like this where I did. Anyway!

We got out of the car and I managed to fit this GAA jersey over my winter coat (thanks be to the forces that be). We made our way over to our spot in the parade looking like a bunch of hunchbacked Michelin men (you know the puffy white man who sells tires?!). We were a great looking bunch anyway.

It starts raining nearly immediately as we start walking towards our spot. It’s not too bad yet but I had a feeling it was going to be that kind of day. The forecast was predicting 100 percent chance of rain and not the kind of raindrops that don’t make a fuss.

Get there and we are standing for about 45 minutes before it even starts. It’s lashing down. It’s freezing. Every single layer of my clothes (about 5/6 of em on top at least!) is slowly soaking. It’s like I realized that this was all completely out of my control and whether I liked it or not I was going to be dancing in the parade soaking wet. So looking back… I obviously decided to just like it!

Enjoyed myself thoroughly and got completely soaked. It didn’t have to be a bad day just because I may have had desires for the day to be a certain way and it wasn’t. You know that process that we go through sometimes? Where we set ourselves up for how we want things to go and then we torture ourselves miserably as we slowly and painfully let go of each desire one by one until either the day is over or we allow ourselves to enjoy it.

Something about the impending doom of lashing rain just allows that process to be instantaneous for me. I welcome these lashings of rain in every aspect of my life now because I am so ready to just surrender and accept every moment.

Today was a great one. And now I’m in bed lucky enough to reminisce about it. No complaints here.

Talk soon,

B-

Make art even if no one is watching.

Make art especially if no one is watching. How about that?

I recently heard someone say – we learn best through stories.

Why is it that we hold ourselves back until we find something that makes us feel validated?

Do things for the sake of doing them.

I recently experienced a deep-seated sadness and fear, I didn’t know myself.

Why is it that I feel like I have to know myself… why cant I just be myself?

Be here because that is enough. No one else can be you, here.

I recently thought a recurring thought… my mind is going to kill me.

Why is it that I feel the need to think everything… why can’t I just experience it?

We are more than our minds.

Body.

Soul.

Spirit.

I recently realized that my work life and personal life are becoming more connected.

Why is it that I felt like I had to keep things compartmentalized?

Life is not meant to be lived in a box. The soul is abstract.

I recently cried so hard that I felt like my body would explode.

Why is it that it scares me to cry that much?

If my body explodes – it allows me space for my soul to be freed.

Free your soul. Free your soul. Free your soul. 

 

That might be a welcomed change. I would be lying if I said this writing is not inspired. I have been recently very deeply moved by the actions of people around me and the settling of the dust in my life. To those who fear that their mind may be getting the best of them, those who push their bodies to their limits because they fear they’d be nothing without them, for what it’s worth – I believe that your soul is infinite just like all of ours and that no matter what physicality or mentality tries to keep us down, we are meant to be freed. Free your soul. Dive into yourself. And if you want a friend, you can find one in me.

Talk soon,

 

B-

The timing of things.

What I want you to know is this:

1. There has never been a safer time in history to share your soul’s voice than right now. And every time you share your soul’s voice, you not only make it easier for you, you also encourage someone else to do the same.

2. If you are in a spiritual closet right now or just holding back the bigness of your message due to fear, I pray that you will find the courage to breathe through the uncomfortableness and share what is inside of you. When one woman rises, she makes the path that much brighter for She.

Thank you Rebecca Campbell.

I recently did a photoshoot in the rain. I recently got out of a 3.5 year-long relationship. I recently completed my Masters in Dance Performance. I recently learned how to play the piano.

I finally moved the keyboard into my room so I could practice. I finally accepted the truth about how I felt about being single. I finally started choreographing again. I finally started putting myself out there more.

I am now learning to play an 18-page long piano piece. I am teaching, sharing what I have learned with people of all ages. I am spending more time with myself and with my friends. I am getting excited about my creative projects and aspirations. I am writing a song!

After being in bed for the past two days, hibernating, I am accepting my times of low energy because I know now that I recently, finally, and am doing my best at any given time.

We have to accept the timing of things in life, don’t we?