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Self-discipline
Today was a light day, full of relaxation and delicious food. On days like this, especially since it is Saturday, I can find it really easy to not sit down to write here. However, I am self-disciplined. This discipline has sometimes been damaging to me because of how extreme I can be with commitments. At…
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A mirror is a reflection
A mirror is a reflection. This is something I have on my mind and heart today. I have been raging inside about people’s actions or lack of actions throughout my life. My body is bringing this up and through me, without my choice and so now I have to attend to it. My line of…
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Bodily rebellion
This morning I woke up with a headache. Tonight I am attending an online grief support group. I have been feeling anxiety these last few days. Tonight I am attending an online grief support group. I have been working more than usual this month. Tonight I am attending an online grief support group. Coincidences? Maybe.…
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Forcing
And yes I will commit to things to the best of my ability. Especially as it relates to values that I commit to. love creativity patience gratitude Very very present currently for me. Orienting towards these. But no, I will not force myself anymore. There is a fine line between discipline and force, between ambition…
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This time around
I have a pattern. I have many patterns. Many many patterns. One of them is avoiding conflict, confrontation and communication if I feel like I am upset about something and I can’t share it with that person. Another is protecting myself by avoiding how I feel or trying to push it aside around other people…
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Dreams I had
There are so many dreams I have had. Actual dreams… like dreams that happen when you’re asleep. Day dreams, the kind that really take you away during your day. And dreams inside my head and heart about my desires for my life. Those are the hardest I feel. Because they are the ones that I…
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Grief – 2
Today it feels like ‘what if?’ In the darkness I cry. Sometimes at night, sometimes early morning before the sun rises. I realize I am terrified. What if something happens? What if she dies? What if they don’t tell me? What if they shame me for not calling? What if they guilt me? What if…
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Grief
Ouch. Ouuu. Owww. Ohhh. It hurts in a way that feels physical. I cry so hard I feel like I might break. But at the same time it feels like my crying muscles are elastic. Inexhaustible. So if I start, I might just cry forever. I am grieving the living as much as the dead.…
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Is it blissful?
Sometimes things are just not clear. I ache when I think about times in life when I felt I had to make a decision before I was ready. Equally, times when I chose to do something before the other was ready, before the situation was ready. Now, I have a tool. I learned this tool…
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What if
But what if something does happen and I didn’t have the time to figure it out? What if I am not able to do what I am supposed to do? What if I didn’t tell everyone I love them that I love them and then they go? What if they don’t know how much I…
