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To my beloved momma
I ache with deep love for you. If I could rid you of your suffering I would. Sometimes I feel I would take it on. Sometimes I feel I would actually take it on so you didn’t have to. And I realize that I have always tried, to protect you. My love for you runs…
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Inside,
Inside, I am raging. Inside, I am hurting. Inside, I am crying. Inside, I am devastated. Inside, I am heartbroken. Inside, I am in despair. Inside, I am confused. Inside, I am raging. Inside, I really am raging. Enraged. What do I do with you? My rage. My confusion. My desperation. My heartbreak. My devastation.…
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Triggers
When your name comes up, I feel triggered. Text message, phone call, photo, doesn’t matter. I feel a flash of heat and a wave of anxiety or anger through my body. My mind starts racing with thoughts. Nothing can be done just yet. I am afraid to feel all of this but it is time.…
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The middle
I am feeling a little bit of a lull with coming here to write. And I think that’s okay. I am interested in seeing this through especially because 100 days is something that makes me feel like I can feel it out. So I am in the sticky middle. And these days I’ve been feeling…
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Proving my love
I asked, “Do you ever feel like you have to prove that you love me?” ”Yes, sometimes.” I thought to myself…yeah me too. I learned that to love is to show and tell and prove. I learned that to love is to buy and to take and to reserve and to spend and to share…
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The unexpected
I am so afraid of breaking the rules sometimes that it is paralyzing. What if I get in trouble? What if something happens? I really feel that the mind, in my mind, it is TERRIFYING to think of breaking the rules. And yet, in so many aspects of my life and in so many decisions…
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The Rules
The Rules, you know? The RULES. Those rules. THE rules. Them, you know? The rules you better follow. Or else. Those ones. Yes THOSE rules. The Rules. You know?
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My needs
I have been mulling this over for a while now. Over time I have been coming to a realization that I neglect, minimize, rush through or completely ignore my needs. Now that I am able to see this, I am also having feelings about it. Sadness is one and anger another. Loss and grief as…
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Fishing
Frustration. Anger. I hear myself. Talking out loud to myself I hear myself say these words that remind me that this is a part of what is not actually me. Me at my core, me at my unique frequency. Me as I am designed. To be successful. To feel success. To be recognized. To feel…
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Mind
A flash of thought came through earlier during my yoga class. It’s not fully formed in this moment, I couldn’t completely hold on to it when it came through. I have been repeatedly contemplating how my mind has set up its patterns to protect me from feeling my feelings. That’s the whole gist of these…
