These days

See that up there ^^? She would never admit it, but she was petrified of looking the way she was feeling at the time… like sh*t.

April 2014… I had just started dancing again after 13.5 months off. I ruptured my achilles… got operated on… and began the long long long road to recovery. Well when I heard the snap of my tendon… along with that went my confidence in myself, my identity, and almost all of my pride.

My goodness, I used to think… I don’t want to be here anymore. What am I going to do if I can’t dance? Who am I without dancing? For months I fought with myself through sleepless nights, pointless days (they felt pointless anyway) and conversations with myself just continuously asking myself… what is the point?

It was a very low time for me, but after those 13.5 months – when the opportunity arose for me to do a photoshoot on the beach with a very talented photographer (Sasha M Photography), I felt brave enough – for the first time in over a year.

That day the beach was very cold. It was extremely windy and my legs and toes were numb from being bare. Something about that numbness though… reminded me of times past and comforted me in a way … because I knew that with my hopping around on the beach that day… those times had definitely passed.

If it wasn’t for my girlfriend at the time, I don’t know if I would have been able to get through the lowest point on that journey. I am thankful everyday for her presence in my life, especially at that time.

That time, too, has passed. Life has lead us our separate ways and what I am left with now, being on my own, is the residue of years of not loving myself enough. Not being able to see the girl in that photo for who she actually is.

There is so much power in accepting yourself unconditionally. When I look at that photo, I want to hug that beautiful, powerful, inspiring woman so tight. I want to squeeze her and I want to remind her that she is so human and so real and the essence of herself is an excellent addition to what already exists in this world.

From experience, it seems that the last thing we want to do is see ourselves… you know… really see ourselves. And I’ve seen people put themselves through a serious amount of (legal) torture before they would simply accept their feelings, their situation, their abilities or simply what they see when they look in the mirror. I’m guilty. Are you?

Let’s just stop that now, okay? Just remember … it only takes two arms to give a good hug… and most of us are lucky enough to have two arms… isn’t that funny?! Hug yourself.

Speak your truth. Live your life from the inside out because what you have inside is too beautiful and too YOUnique not to share.

 

Inspired by: #worldmentalhealthday #internationaldayofthegirl #nationalcomingoutday

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I envy people who can express themselves from the inside out. Dancers who make you feel something. Painters who make you feel something. Singers who tug at your heart strings. Writers who can draw you in to a world that takes you somewhere.

I had a thought a few years ago – ‘my mind is going to kill me’. I know that writing can save me but sometimes it feels ironic that thinking and writing is what saves me from thinking. I wish that something else could save me. I wish that I could save you with something else.

What am I so afraid of?

Having nothing to say,

and everything at the same time

What does it mean to say?

Say. What can be said. Without.

Without what?

Saying it, really.

Who do you say it to?

Or for… really.

What does it mean to be?

When we learn to be

Isn’t that saying it all, really…

How do I say it? I don’t know. How do you navigate this life? Just some thoughts on a low day.

Talk soon

B-

Take care of yourself

See that woman in that photo? My little mom. She has (and still does) cared for me in ways that I can’t even comprehend. But I can feel them and I know who I am today in large part because of her.

I received an open letter recently. In it I read the words – take care of yourself. Ugh. Hmph. Bleugh. Blah. Wah.

Well do you ever just feel like… what’s the point? Why am I doing all of this? Am I torturing myself? Should I really have to try this hard? If I’m trying is it working? If I don’t try what happens? Can I trust?

How do I know if I can trust? What does all of this even mean? What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Will I ever feel better? When will the pain go away? Why does it hurt so much sometimes? What do we do with the thoughts that linger?

Why don’t I want to talk to anyone? Why is it that I can’t accept when people do nice things for me? What do I do with that? Why am I punishing myself? Why can’t I just listen and take it all in? Why do I have to learn the hard way?

Why does it hurt so much? Why does it actually physically hurt to feel emotional pain? What does it feel like to know the other side of this hurt?

Yesterday I had gone about an hour without crying at the most. But when it hits me as hard as it does, I’m still here. So I have survived. I once said to a friend- the worst that happens is that we survive and the best that happens is we thrive.

I JUST WANT TO GIVE IN. So today I said no. No more. I am done. I have tried and things have blown up in my face.

You wanna know how I’m going to do it? The Power of Now. I want to share an experience I had this afternoon:

I bought the book, The Power of Now, last week and today I started reading it. I was tired, so so tired. Even though for the past few nights I have been sleeping through the night which is brilliant. (Huge improvement for me really.) So I started to read it and there are moments in the book where he puts up a symbol that means pause. So I decided to just read it and do exactly what it says. I read, I trusted, I paused. I was so comfortable in my princess bed, with my gorgeous flowers across from me. During those pauses – I simply just lied there and looked at them. They made me so happy. I smiled. I rested and I had zero thoughts really.

Then I had this feeling and it overcame me. My body was so warm and just filled with love. My pulse was so strong that I could see it beating and moving the blanket and the phone on top of me. I just had to take it all in. It felt like learning to love myself for just a few moments, like being my own companion ya know? I did this for about a half an hour until I fell asleep, to the sound of the meditation song called Beating Heart. I woke up about 2 hours later and I haven’t really had a thought since. Until I decided to share. I am writing to get the words out so that I can go back to the space between them.

I will be sure to keep you updated on my experience with this beautiful book. I think it will help me to take care of myself. Just like the way little mom always takes care of little b.

Talk soon

B-

I allow myself to trust in life

I have a morning routine. Do you?

I don’t know if I’ve always had one… I suppose I have but this one that I’ve been into lately is a purposeful morning routine. Every morning when I open my eyes I stick on some sort of guided meditation. I love it. I take 10-20 minutes in the morning to just allow myself to be and to listen to what is being said, repeat a mantra, ponder a centering thought. Whatever it is I just go with it and then at the end of it I feel ready to get out of my bed and continue to live the day.

This morning’s meditation was one lead by my Spiritual Mentor, talking me through raising my frequency in life. I’ve listened to this one a few times in the past week actually because I really enjoy where it takes me and I particularly enjoy how I feel afterwards throughout my day. Today a couple of lines stuck out to me and I’ve been thinking about them since.

I allow myself to let go and trust in life. I allow myself to let go and trust in myself.

These lines radiated through me today. And for whatever reason, stuck with me enough to remember them. At the time when I heard them I felt an instant sense of huge relief. It was like I was actually allowing myself to let go of everything before and after this moment and just be present. It was so relaxing to feel that and to be okay with where I am at. This feeling usually carries with me throughout the day but today the moment was only fleeting.

I finished my last week of classes for the MA this week. That is huge. I can’t believe I will no longer be attending regular classes in the studios at UL. I was immediately flooded with emotions and still find myself trying to comprehend the shift that is about to take place in my life. Cue the serious sense of overwhelm…

SO this is where I find myself wishing I could go back to that moment this morning where I felt completely relieved in the fact that I was allowing myself to let go and trust myself and trust life.

Naturally since I have been bothered by this all morning/afternoon, I haven’t been able to start my work (which is piling up… #overwhelm). And naaattturallly… I had a thought about this. So I had to write. Writing is the only thing that feels right 24/7 to me. Regardless of what is going on in my life or where I am/what I am doing… I can always write and I will always make time to write. It feels good for my soul.

Here is the thought:

Allowing is harder than doing. But allowing is what leads to trusting life and ourselves.

Allowing is like… conscious non-doing. We need more of this. If you think about it… when you allow something to happen there is a bit of a sense of fear/risk, unknowing, chancing, also excitement and a bit of relief. To say the least lol. It’s like letting go of the control of trying to do the thing. So why don’t we all stop trying to do the thing and allow things to happen. So I am consciously choosing to allow myself to trust in life. I am sitting here writing because I am aware that how I feel when I am doing this is much better than how I feel doing anything else. Therefore… I am allowing myself to trust that this is what feels right.

Choose to allow.

Choose to allow yourself to trust.

Choose to allow yourself to trust yourself.

Choose to allow yourself to trust yourself and to trust life.

I’m afraid that it might actually be that simple. Annoyingggggg. But it actually might be! Avoid disappointment and allow.

I know life gets in the way and it feels like we have all these things we have to do and need to do and want to do etc etc but whenever we can, let’s choose to allow life to take us to where we probably need to be in that moment.

Try it and let me know how it goes! I’ve decided to do it today when I can. When I’m willing to take the risk and allow. Oh also if you want to try some guided meditations here are a few!

Happy Saturday

Talk soon-

B-

PS. Photo credit goes to the lovely Karen Goltz, a fellow UL colleague and very talented photographer

Writing when I feel bad.

Today feels really hard. Yesterday felt extremely hard. My parents sold my family home yesterday. I feel like the roots I had in this Earth have been uplifted without any closure. I’m not there, so what can I do? It feels surprisingly (yet also familiarly) lonely. I know I’m here, in Ireland, with a great life over here, but the biggest piece of my heart belongs with my family and I’m not there with them during this transition time in their lives. That is hard. And then there is me… I always forget about me.

But if I’m honest I am lonely and I am sad. So in the spirit of being true to me I come here to share.

I like to share my thoughts. If it makes me think, then I think… maybe someone else might think about this too. So here I am, just thinking about what is really important in this life to me. I realized I’m at a point where I am not too sure anymore.

What is important in this crazy life? That seems too big a question to answer so I spent the afternoon taking it down a notch. What feels important to me today? It’s important to me to have space for a cup of tea. It’s important to me to rest my eyes when I feel tired. It’s important to me to have nice chats with people. It’s important to me to hug and be hugged. To laugh and make others laugh. To take the time for myself that I need.

Sometimes I think I get so caught up in the particulars of life that I lose sight of the perspective, the big picture. So I’ve decided to shift my perspective. To get caught up again in the particulars of what’s important to me, for me to just be me.

So here’s the thought: What space can we carve out in our days to do things for ourselves? If you had the space, what would you do? What does space mean to you versus time?

That cup of tea is calling … loud and clear. Saying MAKE SPACE FOR ME PLEASE. I much prefer to use the word space because you see… my relationship with time is linear and filled with panic at times. So many of us seem to be constantly rushing to get things done as quickly as possible because apparently we are all running out of time. What does that even mean? Let it go and let’s all make space for the things we love to do eh?

Think about how bit OUTERSPACE is! Surely if space extends far faraway, beyond our wildest imaginations, there’s got to be a little bit in it for you and what you want/need to be your best self right? Right.

Talk soon,

B-