Take care of yourself

See that woman in that photo? My little mom. She has (and still does) cared for me in ways that I can’t even comprehend. But I can feel them and I know who I am today in large part because of her.

I received an open letter recently. In it I read the words – take care of yourself. Ugh. Hmph. Bleugh. Blah. Wah.

Well do you ever just feel like… what’s the point? Why am I doing all of this? Am I torturing myself? Should I really have to try this hard? If I’m trying is it working? If I don’t try what happens? Can I trust?

How do I know if I can trust? What does all of this even mean? What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Will I ever feel better? When will the pain go away? Why does it hurt so much sometimes? What do we do with the thoughts that linger?

Why don’t I want to talk to anyone? Why is it that I can’t accept when people do nice things for me? What do I do with that? Why am I punishing myself? Why can’t I just listen and take it all in? Why do I have to learn the hard way?

Why does it hurt so much? Why does it actually physically hurt to feel emotional pain? What does it feel like to know the other side of this hurt?

Yesterday I had gone about an hour without crying at the most. But when it hits me as hard as it does, I’m still here. So I have survived. I once said to a friend- the worst that happens is that we survive and the best that happens is we thrive.

I JUST WANT TO GIVE IN. So today I said no. No more. I am done. I have tried and things have blown up in my face.

You wanna know how I’m going to do it? The Power of Now. I want to share an experience I had this afternoon:

I bought the book, The Power of Now, last week and today I started reading it. I was tired, so so tired. Even though for the past few nights I have been sleeping through the night which is brilliant. (Huge improvement for me really.) So I started to read it and there are moments in the book where he puts up a symbol that means pause. So I decided to just read it and do exactly what it says. I read, I trusted, I paused. I was so comfortable in my princess bed, with my gorgeous flowers across from me. During those pauses – I simply just lied there and looked at them. They made me so happy. I smiled. I rested and I had zero thoughts really.

Then I had this feeling and it overcame me. My body was so warm and just filled with love. My pulse was so strong that I could see it beating and moving the blanket and the phone on top of me. I just had to take it all in. It felt like learning to love myself for just a few moments, like being my own companion ya know? I did this for about a half an hour until I fell asleep, to the sound of the meditation song called Beating Heart. I woke up about 2 hours later and I haven’t really had a thought since. Until I decided to share. I am writing to get the words out so that I can go back to the space between them.

I will be sure to keep you updated on my experience with this beautiful book. I think it will help me to take care of myself. Just like the way little mom always takes care of little b.

Talk soon

B-

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Sometimes I can feel you…

I want to comment on the transformative power of relationships and human experiences. This feels important. I have regular calls with my spiritual mentor. She records them for me and then I am able to listen to them over and over again whenever I want. I have been listening to the most recent one very often lately (nearly everyday, sometimes multiple times a day) and yesterday I picked up on something. We discussed experiences and how what we go through on one level… is still existent on another level. Here is my thought – rephrased in a sense from this call:

The essence of experience at the soul level is never lost.

That, to me, was a thought worthy of acknowledgement. Lately I’ve been practicing being present more in the space between two thoughts; thanks to a good friend, who suggested a short video to me which introduced this perspective into my life.

But this thought… is just so relevant to me at this point in my life. Some very important relationships in my life are transforming. Some would say they are lost. But I know they aren’t. Because I can feel you. I can still feel you. And I can still see you when I want to and I can still send you all of the love and energy that you are deserving of.

So if you ever feel like you can feel me, trust it. Because I can feel you too and I know now that it’s because our experience at the soul level has an essence. And that essence is something so beautiful and comforting and it keeps me company.

And if you feel like this is about you. It’s because it is. Don’t let it hurt too much. I’m trying not to. Let’s just keep being brave.

Talk soon

B-

 

The Universe Sends You Signs…

Can you read them?

Yesterday morning I woke up and decided I was going to go on a holiday alone. To Portugal. To the beach and the water- where I belong. This morning I woke up to this article about traveling in my inbox. What are the chances eh? Completely confirms my choice to book those flights last night.

So that’s it, I’ll be going away for 4 nights to Albufiera on my own! I don’t know I mean sometimes you have to just do things for your soul ya know? It felt SO important to me to do this yesterday, so it must be important.

That’s what had me thinking – here comes the thought – TRUST the feeling. If it feels that important, it’s calling you… the universe is supporting it, even egging it on, so FREAKING DO IT.

As we all know, writing is for my soul. I think traveling is too. I can’t wait to be in a new place and see how it affects my perspective on life. I need it. I need to be connected with my essences (the water and sand) and myself.

You know that feeling when you just need something like you need to breathe? I’ve had that a few times in my life, but today I’m proud to say that I am going with it because it’s good for my SOULLLLLL. Not my career, not my academic pursuits, not my family or friends… me and my soul. And I have every faith that in turn it will be good for all of those other things.

Take time to feed your soul, B. That’s what the Universe has taught me in the past few days.

I am forever grateful for that.

Talk soon-

B-

 

With good intentions

Well they say you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You might look at it longingly, fully intending to not eat too much of it, but eat too much of it anyway and maybeeeee get a belly ache.

This happened to me recently. And the belly ache was SO big it nearly cost me something really important to me that I had worked really hard for.

It took me a good few days to even come down from how upset I was about it and then on top of that I had to somehow learn to move forward and forgive myself for my mistake. I think forgiving myself is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to do in this life. Never mind doing it with compassion. So you know how I did it? It happened naturally – I was reminded of something my Aunt told me once when I was younger – about life in general really. She said to me:

If you ever have doubts, remember why you started…

So I started analyzing it, as I do, but instead I shifted my perspective a bit – and I thought – okay why did I do that originally? Where was I coming from?

Sometimes we need to take a minute to see our own perspective ya know? And be sympathetic to it for goodness sakes! I know it doesn’t change what happened, but for me, the ability to understand and be reminded of where I was coming from healed the wound. I was able to stop punishing myself and start forgiving myself. Not everything has to be so SERIOUS and so GRAVE. Sometimes things can be seen through a more playful lens … taking things and holding them lightly.

I was coming from a good place, with a pure heart and good intentions. That realization felt like a big hug. I needed it, for real.

It’s not easy to forgive ourselves. Never mind doing it with compassion. Just remember why you started and it might help you to see a perspective that reminds you of the goodness in your heart. If you always do things with good intentions, you will forgive and be forgiven.

Thoughts for a Monday anyway.

Talk soon

B-

How did I get here?

Wowwwww. That saying… when it rains it pours. Right? Well how about the sequel… when it’s already pouring why don’t you just go on and pour a bucket of water over your head…. you’re already soaked right?

Yep. So I saw the colors of my frequency the other day and they are absolutely gorgeous, in my opinion of course. Bronze and Magenta, very glittery and rich grains of energy. And all mine. Since then, I have been having this feeling like the whispers in my head are ready for me to act on them. I know this might all sound crazy, but when you are empathic, it makes a person hypersensitive to the flow of energy around them.

So anyway, needless to say I am here now, after having made a few huge decisions and now attempting to live through the consequences. Rock bottom is an understatement of how I feel and where I am at. But it’s strangely comforting down here. Have you ever had that feeling?

You see in this experience I had a few thoughts. I’m not sure how the best way is to share them because I know that As much as I am capable of thinking, my processing power is way slower than my thinking power. So its like… one thought at a time B, right?

Alright so anyway my first question is … how did I get here? How did I get so low that I literally can’t do anything else but see that there has to be a way up from here.

The funny thing is that I made choices to get me to feeling this way. Why would anyone do such a thing? Well here’s the follow up… the thought…

Do what you know is right.

The consequences are just a shift in the trajectory of your path based on the decision you made. If you know it’s right then let the sh*t times roll on if you have to. And you will know what is right and when it is right. That’s what my mentor tells me anyway so I’m working on that.

This is life and life is real and sometimes life feels bad. But life doesn’t happen unless you make it happen. Choose things that allow you to have more life. When things happen to you, those happenings are consequences. No matter how good or bad they are, do your best to make sure that you can sit with them knowing you made the right choice for yourself at the end of the day.

It’s not easy for me to deal with myself and the life I am living and creating, never mind love and comfort myself when the consequences take a turn for the worse.  So sometimes I just have to sit with it and feel bad. I realized this week when I did that, that the only way is up now.

That realization both scares me and gives me comfort. So that’s better than nothing because I know it’s real.

Talk soon

B-

Spotlight on Dublin Dance Festival

 

Watch that ^. Just watch that and let yourself feast on the beauty of it. This week I have been volunteering at the Dublin Dance Festival  (DDF) and I was lucky enough to be able to sit in on the screening of Alonzo King’s Constellation. Mr. King himself gave a post-show talk as well and what he gave me was perspective.

I am always looking for ways to broaden my perspective and expand my mind. I got absolutely sucked into this work for an hour and a half. I allowed it to soothe my soul, to trigger my senses and to allow my thoughts to wander freely for the first time in a good while.

The dance brought my mind to a meditative place. A place where thoughts could pass while my body and soul were engaged in the passion, beauty and purity of what my eyes were seeing.

The relationship between the music and the movement is what allowed those thoughts to pass – there was a complexity in what I was seeing that connected deeply with me. Mr. King touched upon this in his post-show talk, mentioning that the world we live in is all music and our bodies get lost in music and sound from the minute we are born. What we do as we go through life is learn to shut it out and what he has done here is brought it back to life and to see how life is music. His company looks like the way the world looks, which is something he is very proud of and it shows through his work and his speech.

The most striking thing to me was their absolutely undeniable accuracy and clarity in expressing their movements. It is truly inspiring in a world where we are constantly trying to figure out how to express ourselves, who we are and what is the best way to share that. To see artists who have reached the near pinnacle of accuracy in expressing themselves and their dance, is a privilege.

What my life has revealed to me lately is compounded tenfold in reflecting on this performance: perspective and intention can reveal a lot about ourselves, to both ourselves and to others.

More on this in time. And if you are interested in more about DDF  feel free to check out the program and buy tickets!

Talk soon,

B-

Photo credit: Dublin Dance Festival Website

A steady drip is a good flow.

I woke up this morning at 615 am so that I could drive to Shannon Airport with my roommate (who is an absolute angel by the way) to pick up my Grandfather. He is visiting Ireland for the first time and he will be here for the next 6 weeks exploring the country of his heritage. I am excited for him. I also enjoyed seeing him this morning and having breakfast. It was a moment of pride for us both I think because I was able to show him my house and a little piece of the life that I have worked so hard to create over here on my own. And for him, he was able to see the fruits of my labor and was proud to see how hard I’ve worked.

He said to me that I’ve gotten my drive from my mother… that I’m not a quitter. He knows I’ve been knocked down a bit and so he mentioned to me that he was happy to see how I’ve continued to keep doing what I think is right for me. All that over a few scrambled eggs! Anyway he asked me about all of the things I was doing. Was I still doing Irish Dancing? Was I still working online? Was I still teaching classes? Was I still going on tour?

I told him that basically everything had been put on the back burner since starting this MA because I really wanted to focus on it and get the most out of it. And he said to me “Bianca, a steady drip is still a good flow, a plumber once told me that.”

WELL. How perfect and timely was that for me? I’ll tell you… I was only feeling since yesterday morning… like a bit of a nagging feeling was creeping back in about me not having done 1 million and one things lately because I took some time to relax. I have been giving everything into my course and coursework and doing some projects on the side, all to become a better dancer and performer. So after an evening off, I was already starting to be hard on myself about resting for that small amount of time. And then he reminded me, so casually, that slow and steady wins the race.

It goes along with everything that matters to me in my life right now. Being present, finding my truth, celebrating who I am. We need to just keep going doing what we can right now and doing it well. So whatever you are doing now, so long as you are sure that it is enough for you, then it is enough. And you owe it to yourself to do it to the best of your ability because it will lead you to the next thing.

There is no need to hurry up and try to rush to get to where we want to be. I read once, from a very intelligent person, that “becoming is better than being”. So what’s the rush to be? We are becoming, every second of everyday. So keep on with that steady drip, it’s still a good flow. Eventually you might find that it becomes a full blown stream.

Happy Sunday =)

Talk soon

B-

The present is a present.

Happy Saturday everyone! So I’ve been meditating now for the past 13 days every morning. I love it. It’s really helped me to set myself up for the day and to remain in the present. If you want to try this 21 Day Meditation go right ahead I’d love to hear from you about how you’re enjoying it. Anyway this morning’s session was about how being in the present moment is what truly brings us joy and happiness.

So I have been thinking about that and naturally I have some things to say about the thoughts that challenge my way of thinking and living. Let’s discuss.

Everyday you wake up and a million thoughts rush to your head. You might be thinking about what happened yesterday, what will happen when you get out of bed, what’s going on later today, this week, this weekend, next month. Any number of things could pop up for you. So what do you then go and do with that? Get your armour on because now it’s time to go into battle with all of the extracurricular thoughts of the day that will be pulling you away from eating your breakfast, driving to work, being at work, picking up your kids, listening to music, writing in your journal. Whatever it is… if you are not really there for it because you are preoccupied with realms of time that no longer exist… well then you are denying yourself of the greatest joy of life: RIGHT NOW.

As a performer, my greatest struggle is to remain present in what I am doing. I find that if I let my mind slip into any other realm, my performance suffers and therefore everyone involved is not as invested in what is going on. It applies to everything. If you are sitting down having a conversation with a friend, while you are also on your phone scrolling facebook, snapchatting or otherwise, how present are you really? So what are you really getting out of this moment?

Think about this… how can people understand your handwriting if you are scribbling because you are rushing to move on to the next thing? Sit down. Take your time. And sign your autograph loud and clear lovelies because you are the only you in this world. So stick to what you’ve got in front of you and you will allow yourself to live the life you are destined for.

Have you ever just stopped and said to yourself… you know what, I’m going to just do one thing at a time today and see how that goes. And when I do it, I’m going to really invest myself in it. Try it I swear it is exhilarating.

And what’s so exhilarating about it eh? It’s the joy of being completely in the present moment and therefore, completely open to the surprises of what the universe hands you in the next moment.  The joy of trusting your path and living your moments one at a time in order to allow for the universe to serve you and for it to walk with you.

Don’t get ahead of yourself because you will get away from yourself. Your presence is a present. And the present is a present.

Talk soon

B-

Finding your truth.

So here’s a thought for a Friday. Give yourself the weekend maybe to ponder this.

How do you know what you know?

How did you learn it? Who did you learn it from? Who did they learn that from? How do you know its the truth? Is it fact?

Just think about these things for the weekend because I have been spending months thinking about them, and particularly this last week because my notions of what’s true and what’s not have been challenged tremendously.

I know I say this a lot but this is a pure fact for me: We see life through our own individual lenses. So our perspective is individual, unique and unlike that of anyone else in the world.

That being said, we can be influenced and every single one of us has been influenced by something or someone at least once if not a million times in their lives so far. So how do you then take it and add it into your truth?

Your truth- n. your beliefs, your values, what you think about things and how you feel about life; this is your perspective only. It only becomes your truth when you decide to own what you believe feel and think, even if it was told to you, taught to you or given to you by someone.

This all becomes your truth when you have put it through the test. If a piece of information, an experience, a perspective or otherwise, passes your test… then you can say it is your truth and you own it.

To put it simply? Don’t ever blindly believe what you see, hear or are told. You should always always always question EVERYTHING. Question it until you can make sense of it in your own mind, body and soul. Then it becomes a part of you. And don’t ever forget where it came from or how you got there.

Don’t allow something to become a part of who you are if you can’t say that you believe in what it stands for. Life is colorful and we are all individual artists. So go out and make your work of art. Make it for you, how you want it and with everything you believe in and love to explore.

The most beautiful thing is that you have something, some of your personal essence, to add to everything you’ve experienced, taken from someone else and learned through life. So even if someone else learns the same thing that you’ve learned, your art will look different to theirs. No one ever interprets anything in this life the same way. So own your interpretations. Take it and interpret it through your own lens and send it back into the world when you are good and ready.

Go out and learn. Be inspired. Take from people. Give to people. Find your truth. Know your truth. Own it. Live it. Be it.

Talk soon,

B-

Alright Alright Alright

Let’s talk about how we get places. Let’s just really talk about that because as far as I know… teleportation doesn’t exist yet RIGHT? Definitely not because if it did I’d be in a million places a day hah!

Anyway I was reminded of something today, by someone who inspired me greatly this weekend. He talked to us about the journey… about how to get from A to Z and what it really takes. It had me thinking… how the heck did I get here?

This is the interesting thing about life I think… it really is all about the journey and I know that people say that all the time but I got smacked in the face today with a bit of life-IS-the-journey realness.

Honestly think about it now. Just entertain this for a second. You are at work or school or wherever you spend your time during the day. And you need to go home… How do you get there? Imagine the path in your head. For me it’s getting from the campus at UL to home … So basically I walk out of my building, cross the bridge, walk across campus and out, turn right up to the roundabout and keep walking till I pass the 3rd one… then turn in to my estate and up to my house.

Hmm… so there are about 7/8 different parts to that journey, and about a few hundred/thousand steps involved yeah? But I will get there – I always get home. And guess who participated in the journey the whole time? THIS GIRLLLLLL.

The point?

You have to be present throughout the journey of your life. You have to stick with every single step of the way because that IS the life you are living. It’s worth it to go from A to b, c, d, etc to get to Z because that is what makes you the person you are. You have to LIVEEEEE the points in between otherwise they just pass you by and for what? LIVE THROUGH IT ALL LOVAHS.

I had to remind myself today because I love dancing. I want to be an amazing dancer. But I have my struggles and I am very much in the middle of a process of figuring a few things out. But it will never stop. I have to live in these moments I have now because this is who I am. So I thought I would share the love. And some cyber hugs too if anyone needs em

( ) ( ) ( ) <- those are hugs!

LIVE ON THE EDGE. Talk soon

B-