Why I write (part 1 of many perhaps…)

I don’t normally do this… actually I’ve never done this. But what I wrote this morning in my journal is something I would like to share for the first time. (Ever. ever ever. Dun dun dun.)

Stopped writing or a few days and a storm started brewing inside. My meditation this morning was about trusting my core self. And Doreen’s cards were about listening to your intuition and intuitive guidance. Why does that feel so hard? It really feels like I’m torturing myself. This world has so many possibilities so it makes me feel like I really can do anything.

And I think my ego has guided me in the past to do whatever it takes to follow through with what I said. Probably because that is attached to how people will view me. And – I was going to write –> “But what about how I view myself?” BUT … What I really just need is –> What bout who I am? How I am? I am. That is enough.

I have read that. Writing allows me to be because it focuses the ego and the mind.

Why is it so hard to make choices? I feel disconnected from what I already know about myself so then when faced with a million options I consider them all. And it seems like my ego weighs them up. But then there’s the spirit soul just being underneath that, with all the answers. She wades in a pool of knowing as the rays of intuition shine down on her to keep her glowing. She’ll never leave because where she is, the universe supports her eternal life. And she drinks from the pool when famished. So she knows.

That is inside of me. Just underneath the ego. Closer to my heart. I read somewhere … The book is called The Journey of Self Discovery– its my newest adventure – This line –> “Study yourself.”

We are all a microcosm of this place. If we know ourselves and we study what’s already here, we can affect change by being our best selves. What is the point of putting on another costume, thinking we are making a difference, when really there is just another layer added to the ego that lengthens the journey to our spirit?

I don’t like to make these statements but I feel this one is coming from a deep place – Intention is everything. If I study myself I can act with clear intentions and make my biggest effect. And hopefully it allows me to have an easier time making choices, too.

Talk soon,

 

B-

Make art even if no one is watching.

Make art especially if no one is watching. How about that?

I recently heard someone say – we learn best through stories.

Why is it that we hold ourselves back until we find something that makes us feel validated?

Do things for the sake of doing them.

I recently experienced a deep-seated sadness and fear, I didn’t know myself.

Why is it that I feel like I have to know myself… why cant I just be myself?

Be here because that is enough. No one else can be you, here.

I recently thought a recurring thought… my mind is going to kill me.

Why is it that I feel the need to think everything… why can’t I just experience it?

We are more than our minds.

Body.

Soul.

Spirit.

I recently realized that my work life and personal life are becoming more connected.

Why is it that I felt like I had to keep things compartmentalized?

Life is not meant to be lived in a box. The soul is abstract.

I recently cried so hard that I felt like my body would explode.

Why is it that it scares me to cry that much?

If my body explodes – it allows me space for my soul to be freed.

Free your soul. Free your soul. Free your soul. 

 

That might be a welcomed change. I would be lying if I said this writing is not inspired. I have been recently very deeply moved by the actions of people around me and the settling of the dust in my life. To those who fear that their mind may be getting the best of them, those who push their bodies to their limits because they fear they’d be nothing without them, for what it’s worth – I believe that your soul is infinite just like all of ours and that no matter what physicality or mentality tries to keep us down, we are meant to be freed. Free your soul. Dive into yourself. And if you want a friend, you can find one in me.

Talk soon,

 

B-

One Hundred and Eighty.

One hundred and eighty. 180. That’s the number of degrees it takes to shut my bathroom door. My new bathroom door that is – in my new home. 2016 man… what crazy year. My parents sold the house this year so my family home now belongs to someone else. I hope they are enjoying it.

I drove past it last night to go to a friend’s Christmas party. It was weird. But that’s not the point of this post because I haven’t gotten there yet (ie mental breakdown over moving out of my family home… don’t know if I will even have one anyway). The point of this is that I love my new home. I don’t know what I had expected – I suppose I hadn’t any expectation really but I do love it. Mostly because I am home with the people who fill my heart and soul up.

I have some pretty amazing friends back in my Irish home (you know who you are) and one or two (just one really) who is extremely special. SO I am lucky. But nevertheless – there is something so magical about coming home. And especially for the holidays. I am so happy to be reunited with my family. I am also getting tired of leaving so that gives me loads to think about.

But for now I will praise this new home because

  1. It houses my family – they are the best.
  2. My bedroom is on the same floor as the bathroom (THANK YOU JESUS – no more 4 am cardio workouts to prevent myself from peeing my pants)
  3. My bed is still the same bed that I’ve always had. Love that bed.
  4. WARNING- this is materialistic – BUT – you can talk to my remote – So … “Chopped” – ::listening…:: “Chopped” – finds my favorite show. Thank you TV.
  5. It feels like a home. Even though it’s not my childhood home. It is still home.

Now has anyone ever dealt with a door that has to swing 180 degrees to close! I swear every time I go into the bathroom I only push it enough to close it half way and then it’s a struggle. The struggle is so real. But I will learn. Just like I will learn to adjust to my new home. This new time will be different. But it has already been lovely.

Talk soon,

B-

The little things… and the big things.

You know what I’ve realized lately …

Little b was really smart. It only took me feeling like things had been turned on their side (^^) to go back to my roots and realize that the things that guided me when I was young will be my greatest allies no matter how old I get. What b? … discuss… Okay!

I always used to say – nothing in life is that serious – and it’s so true. The more I accept the particulars of the given moment – the more I feel like I can actually see what’s going on. This life is happening around us whether we are present with it or not. Taking things too seriously has given me tunnel vision. I had lost the ability to feel the vast beauty of this life of mine. So recently I’ve been guided by my gut and allowing that to happen has also given birth to an evolved motto –

Life exists infinitely within and out.

Everything within us is connected to everything outside of us and that is massive. So if you are stressed about something – think about this … every single cell within you is connected to every single cell of every single other person and every single cell of every single thing that exists in this universe. And if you trust that … you will realize that accepting the particulars of any given situation will allow you to feel as big as you actually are. And that my friends … is an amazing feeling. Because then we can do what we are meant to do here, whatever that is.

So what was that thing you were stressed about?

Things can still be important and not consume you. Things can still be desired and you can still work for them without having to clutch on to them like your life depends on it. And things will come and go, but you will continue to be infinite whether you accept and notice it or not. So I don’t know… I just think that it’s time to stop forcing my hand and start accepting what’s already happening around me. Time to trust that I know how to find the balance between living my life and letting my life live.

Talk soon,

B-

 

These days

See that up there ^^? She would never admit it, but she was petrified of looking the way she was feeling at the time… like sh*t.

April 2014… I had just started dancing again after 13.5 months off. I ruptured my achilles… got operated on… and began the long long long road to recovery. Well when I heard the snap of my tendon… along with that went my confidence in myself, my identity, and almost all of my pride.

My goodness, I used to think… I don’t want to be here anymore. What am I going to do if I can’t dance? Who am I without dancing? For months I fought with myself through sleepless nights, pointless days (they felt pointless anyway) and conversations with myself just continuously asking myself… what is the point?

It was a very low time for me, but after those 13.5 months – when the opportunity arose for me to do a photoshoot on the beach with a very talented photographer (Sasha M Photography), I felt brave enough – for the first time in over a year.

That day the beach was very cold. It was extremely windy and my legs and toes were numb from being bare. Something about that numbness though… reminded me of times past and comforted me in a way … because I knew that with my hopping around on the beach that day… those times had definitely passed.

If it wasn’t for my girlfriend at the time, I don’t know if I would have been able to get through the lowest point on that journey. I am thankful everyday for her presence in my life, especially at that time.

That time, too, has passed. Life has lead us our separate ways and what I am left with now, being on my own, is the residue of years of not loving myself enough. Not being able to see the girl in that photo for who she actually is.

There is so much power in accepting yourself unconditionally. When I look at that photo, I want to hug that beautiful, powerful, inspiring woman so tight. I want to squeeze her and I want to remind her that she is so human and so real and the essence of herself is an excellent addition to what already exists in this world.

From experience, it seems that the last thing we want to do is see ourselves… you know… really see ourselves. And I’ve seen people put themselves through a serious amount of (legal) torture before they would simply accept their feelings, their situation, their abilities or simply what they see when they look in the mirror. I’m guilty. Are you?

Let’s just stop that now, okay? Just remember … it only takes two arms to give a good hug… and most of us are lucky enough to have two arms… isn’t that funny?! Hug yourself.

Speak your truth. Live your life from the inside out because what you have inside is too beautiful and too YOUnique not to share.

 

Inspired by: #worldmentalhealthday #internationaldayofthegirl #nationalcomingoutday

Trust Yourself, Love Yourself. You can do it

Every time you flex your trust muscle, it strengthens.

I read this article recently and I just need to express my thoughts. That’s what I’m here for anyway right?

When I was a little girl, I was convinced I had two hearts. My life was SO full of love that I was just convinced I had to have two hearts because there wasn’t enough space in one to fit all of the love that was within me and that I felt on a daily basis. I would get these moments (these are fewer and farther between now) where I would see some thing or someone in its truest, most honest and beautiful form and it would make me SO happy that tears would rush into my eyes and I would get so excited. I could always feel something in my body as well – a funny but warm feeling and I knew it was my second heart lighting up.

Why did I have two? Well see one was for me. Because it was my heart. And the other one was for you. All of the love in the world that I already had was in my heart and then I had to have all the excess spill over into somewhere. Hence the second heart. Looking back on it, I just LOVE my little self for that. It’s so beautiful and honest. It was my absolute truth back then.

I had a sad thought recently though. Which is why I’m here of course… Somewhere along the line, one of my hearts has been neglected.

And I realized I need to relearn to love myself.

At home I have a Build-a-Bear that two of my lovely friends from high school took me to make. They bought her for me and her name is Lambchop. And since there was two of them making it, they allowed us to put TWO hearts in. One is pure red and the other is a red and white checkered heart. She is my spirit animal. I am going to be channeling her this weekend.

I started giving myself hugs. Actually hugging myself. The first one happened at the beach last weekend. I just felt so overwhelmed and overcome with a sense of myself that I just had to hug myself. It was like being reunited with my long lost twin.

So I have a teeny goal this summer – to reconnect with little b and get my two hearts working again. I have these moments of clarity, where my heart feels so full and I feel so lucky to feel them. So I am opening my heart(s) to them more again.

We are our most important friends. I always used to say – you have to love yourself if you want others to love you. That’s the simplicity of self-love really.

So look – if you find yourself not wanting to be alone, not being able to sleep at night because your mind is cluttered with thoughts you are afraid to acknowledge, feeling badly about yourself because of society, other people or what you think you should be like – just let it all go.

Rub your hands together and give yourself a hug. Reconnect with yourself. Feel yourself and be reminded that you have your greatest confidant and friend right in your arms in that moment.

Trust yourself. Love yourself. You can do it.

Talk soon

B-

The present is a present.

Happy Saturday everyone! So I’ve been meditating now for the past 13 days every morning. I love it. It’s really helped me to set myself up for the day and to remain in the present. If you want to try this 21 Day Meditation go right ahead I’d love to hear from you about how you’re enjoying it. Anyway this morning’s session was about how being in the present moment is what truly brings us joy and happiness.

So I have been thinking about that and naturally I have some things to say about the thoughts that challenge my way of thinking and living. Let’s discuss.

Everyday you wake up and a million thoughts rush to your head. You might be thinking about what happened yesterday, what will happen when you get out of bed, what’s going on later today, this week, this weekend, next month. Any number of things could pop up for you. So what do you then go and do with that? Get your armour on because now it’s time to go into battle with all of the extracurricular thoughts of the day that will be pulling you away from eating your breakfast, driving to work, being at work, picking up your kids, listening to music, writing in your journal. Whatever it is… if you are not really there for it because you are preoccupied with realms of time that no longer exist… well then you are denying yourself of the greatest joy of life: RIGHT NOW.

As a performer, my greatest struggle is to remain present in what I am doing. I find that if I let my mind slip into any other realm, my performance suffers and therefore everyone involved is not as invested in what is going on. It applies to everything. If you are sitting down having a conversation with a friend, while you are also on your phone scrolling facebook, snapchatting or otherwise, how present are you really? So what are you really getting out of this moment?

Think about this… how can people understand your handwriting if you are scribbling because you are rushing to move on to the next thing? Sit down. Take your time. And sign your autograph loud and clear lovelies because you are the only you in this world. So stick to what you’ve got in front of you and you will allow yourself to live the life you are destined for.

Have you ever just stopped and said to yourself… you know what, I’m going to just do one thing at a time today and see how that goes. And when I do it, I’m going to really invest myself in it. Try it I swear it is exhilarating.

And what’s so exhilarating about it eh? It’s the joy of being completely in the present moment and therefore, completely open to the surprises of what the universe hands you in the next moment.  The joy of trusting your path and living your moments one at a time in order to allow for the universe to serve you and for it to walk with you.

Don’t get ahead of yourself because you will get away from yourself. Your presence is a present. And the present is a present.

Talk soon

B-

Alright Alright Alright

Let’s talk about how we get places. Let’s just really talk about that because as far as I know… teleportation doesn’t exist yet RIGHT? Definitely not because if it did I’d be in a million places a day hah!

Anyway I was reminded of something today, by someone who inspired me greatly this weekend. He talked to us about the journey… about how to get from A to Z and what it really takes. It had me thinking… how the heck did I get here?

This is the interesting thing about life I think… it really is all about the journey and I know that people say that all the time but I got smacked in the face today with a bit of life-IS-the-journey realness.

Honestly think about it now. Just entertain this for a second. You are at work or school or wherever you spend your time during the day. And you need to go home… How do you get there? Imagine the path in your head. For me it’s getting from the campus at UL to home … So basically I walk out of my building, cross the bridge, walk across campus and out, turn right up to the roundabout and keep walking till I pass the 3rd one… then turn in to my estate and up to my house.

Hmm… so there are about 7/8 different parts to that journey, and about a few hundred/thousand steps involved yeah? But I will get there – I always get home. And guess who participated in the journey the whole time? THIS GIRLLLLLL.

The point?

You have to be present throughout the journey of your life. You have to stick with every single step of the way because that IS the life you are living. It’s worth it to go from A to b, c, d, etc to get to Z because that is what makes you the person you are. You have to LIVEEEEE the points in between otherwise they just pass you by and for what? LIVE THROUGH IT ALL LOVAHS.

I had to remind myself today because I love dancing. I want to be an amazing dancer. But I have my struggles and I am very much in the middle of a process of figuring a few things out. But it will never stop. I have to live in these moments I have now because this is who I am. So I thought I would share the love. And some cyber hugs too if anyone needs em

( ) ( ) ( ) <- those are hugs!

LIVE ON THE EDGE. Talk soon

B-

How far can you push it?

What do you think about that? Do you ever just think… oh I have to save my energy for ___. Better hold back now so I can save it for later. Do you ever go for a run and decide to take it slow for the first 19 minutes because you are running for 20… to save your energy? For what? The last minute? What about the first 19… did you gain from them if you were just holding back the whole time?

This is just an interesting concept I’ve been thinking about these past couple of days because I am here in Manchester doing the HDI Easter Camp organized by Soar UK. I love dancing. I really do… but sometimes I’m not too sure what my relationship really is with it. Until I come to intensives like this and I get smacked in the face with 100-percent-work-for-it realness. Honestly. Every single teacher in every single class has said something along the lines of  “put everything into it, dig deeper because you will never know how far you can go until you do, there is more to you so you have to allow yourself to be more and do more… ” All of these things just have me thinking… WHAT AM I WAITING FOR?

What am I saving for ya know? Life is happening RIGHT NOW. So right this minute we are living and doing. Why hold back in this moment when you can give it everything and then be open for even more in the next moment? This doesn’t just apply to dancing. It applies to life. It IS life.

Why stretch your arm out 90 percent when you know that you can go that extra 10 percent if you just push it a little bit? Why not just freaking RUN for the 20 minutes instead of holding back till minute 19? If you’re gonna do something… do. it. Just do it. And really do it. You can only benefit and be better because of it. Someone said to me once that you should fail hard and fail fast. So let’s freaking go. Turbo charge this life, you know you can. When you look back what do you want your footsteps to look like? Tiny little ones because you were holding back waiting for the day you’d take the leap? Oh heckkkkk noooo. Leap now!

Don’t hold back. What are you waiting for? Life is now. Thoughts for today anyway. I’ve been inspired. Tomorrow’s Bianca will be pushing herself to be the best she can because then Monday’s B will be even better off.

Talk soon,

B-

How about just be who you are?

How the heck do we do that eh? Well I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trying not to think ahaha! And it has cleared up a few things for me. I have spent so much time getting caught up in what I want to be or how I should be. You know that feeling? The feeling of putting that pressure on yourself to

“eat less carbs”, “be more polite” “be a positive person” “get a degree so you can get a job” “keep your head down and accept it” “dye your hair so you can look younger” “keep your thoughts to yourself so you seem happy”

BLAH. Blahblahblah. When you read those don’t they just seem so … forced?

So don’t force it. Be who you are. Just Be.Who.You.Are. Release the judgements, honestly. Just live. And be. Acknowledge and notice what you like, who you like, how you are and what you are doing. And let them BE.

For the past 9 days I have been participating in this 30 Day Love Yourself Challenge – I don’t know what it’s actually called ahah but that is what I’m calling it. Basically you keep a stack of post its next to your bed and every morning when you wake up – you write something nice about yourself- something that you like about yourself or something about who you are that makes you proud.

DO THIS. And trust what you write. That is who you are. Put them in places where you can see them. Read them and believe them for goodness sake. Because THAT IS WHO YOU ARE. Be brave. Have the nerve.

So just be who you are because that person is probably pretty great.

That person is probably a really good cook, or a really great friend, a talented dancer or singer, a creative person, a loyal companion, a great conversationalist, a very intelligent person, a great writer, an amazing athlete, a beautiful soul… A real live person who can only be who you are.

Trust.

Talk soon,

B-