Make art even if no one is watching.

Make art especially if no one is watching. How about that?

I recently heard someone say – we learn best through stories.

Why is it that we hold ourselves back until we find something that makes us feel validated?

Do things for the sake of doing them.

I recently experienced a deep-seated sadness and fear, I didn’t know myself.

Why is it that I feel like I have to know myself… why cant I just be myself?

Be here because that is enough. No one else can be you, here.

I recently thought a recurring thought… my mind is going to kill me.

Why is it that I feel the need to think everything… why can’t I just experience it?

We are more than our minds.

Body.

Soul.

Spirit.

I recently realized that my work life and personal life are becoming more connected.

Why is it that I felt like I had to keep things compartmentalized?

Life is not meant to be lived in a box. The soul is abstract.

I recently cried so hard that I felt like my body would explode.

Why is it that it scares me to cry that much?

If my body explodes – it allows me space for my soul to be freed.

Free your soul. Free your soul. Free your soul. 

 

That might be a welcomed change. I would be lying if I said this writing is not inspired. I have been recently very deeply moved by the actions of people around me and the settling of the dust in my life. To those who fear that their mind may be getting the best of them, those who push their bodies to their limits because they fear they’d be nothing without them, for what it’s worth – I believe that your soul is infinite just like all of ours and that no matter what physicality or mentality tries to keep us down, we are meant to be freed. Free your soul. Dive into yourself. And if you want a friend, you can find one in me.

Talk soon,

 

B-

Trust Yourself, Love Yourself. You can do it

Every time you flex your trust muscle, it strengthens.

I read this article recently and I just need to express my thoughts. That’s what I’m here for anyway right?

When I was a little girl, I was convinced I had two hearts. My life was SO full of love that I was just convinced I had to have two hearts because there wasn’t enough space in one to fit all of the love that was within me and that I felt on a daily basis. I would get these moments (these are fewer and farther between now) where I would see some thing or someone in its truest, most honest and beautiful form and it would make me SO happy that tears would rush into my eyes and I would get so excited. I could always feel something in my body as well – a funny but warm feeling and I knew it was my second heart lighting up.

Why did I have two? Well see one was for me. Because it was my heart. And the other one was for you. All of the love in the world that I already had was in my heart and then I had to have all the excess spill over into somewhere. Hence the second heart. Looking back on it, I just LOVE my little self for that. It’s so beautiful and honest. It was my absolute truth back then.

I had a sad thought recently though. Which is why I’m here of course… Somewhere along the line, one of my hearts has been neglected.

And I realized I need to relearn to love myself.

At home I have a Build-a-Bear that two of my lovely friends from high school took me to make. They bought her for me and her name is Lambchop. And since there was two of them making it, they allowed us to put TWO hearts in. One is pure red and the other is a red and white checkered heart. She is my spirit animal. I am going to be channeling her this weekend.

I started giving myself hugs. Actually hugging myself. The first one happened at the beach last weekend. I just felt so overwhelmed and overcome with a sense of myself that I just had to hug myself. It was like being reunited with my long lost twin.

So I have a teeny goal this summer – to reconnect with little b and get my two hearts working again. I have these moments of clarity, where my heart feels so full and I feel so lucky to feel them. So I am opening my heart(s) to them more again.

We are our most important friends. I always used to say – you have to love yourself if you want others to love you. That’s the simplicity of self-love really.

So look – if you find yourself not wanting to be alone, not being able to sleep at night because your mind is cluttered with thoughts you are afraid to acknowledge, feeling badly about yourself because of society, other people or what you think you should be like – just let it all go.

Rub your hands together and give yourself a hug. Reconnect with yourself. Feel yourself and be reminded that you have your greatest confidant and friend right in your arms in that moment.

Trust yourself. Love yourself. You can do it.

Talk soon

B-

Sometimes I can feel you…

I want to comment on the transformative power of relationships and human experiences. This feels important. I have regular calls with my spiritual mentor. She records them for me and then I am able to listen to them over and over again whenever I want. I have been listening to the most recent one very often lately (nearly everyday, sometimes multiple times a day) and yesterday I picked up on something. We discussed experiences and how what we go through on one level… is still existent on another level. Here is my thought – rephrased in a sense from this call:

The essence of experience at the soul level is never lost.

That, to me, was a thought worthy of acknowledgement. Lately I’ve been practicing being present more in the space between two thoughts; thanks to a good friend, who suggested a short video to me which introduced this perspective into my life.

But this thought… is just so relevant to me at this point in my life. Some very important relationships in my life are transforming. Some would say they are lost. But I know they aren’t. Because I can feel you. I can still feel you. And I can still see you when I want to and I can still send you all of the love and energy that you are deserving of.

So if you ever feel like you can feel me, trust it. Because I can feel you too and I know now that it’s because our experience at the soul level has an essence. And that essence is something so beautiful and comforting and it keeps me company.

And if you feel like this is about you. It’s because it is. Don’t let it hurt too much. I’m trying not to. Let’s just keep being brave.

Talk soon

B-

 

The Universe Sends You Signs…

Can you read them?

Yesterday morning I woke up and decided I was going to go on a holiday alone. To Portugal. To the beach and the water- where I belong. This morning I woke up to this article about traveling in my inbox. What are the chances eh? Completely confirms my choice to book those flights last night.

So that’s it, I’ll be going away for 4 nights to Albufiera on my own! I don’t know I mean sometimes you have to just do things for your soul ya know? It felt SO important to me to do this yesterday, so it must be important.

That’s what had me thinking – here comes the thought – TRUST the feeling. If it feels that important, it’s calling you… the universe is supporting it, even egging it on, so FREAKING DO IT.

As we all know, writing is for my soul. I think traveling is too. I can’t wait to be in a new place and see how it affects my perspective on life. I need it. I need to be connected with my essences (the water and sand) and myself.

You know that feeling when you just need something like you need to breathe? I’ve had that a few times in my life, but today I’m proud to say that I am going with it because it’s good for my SOULLLLLL. Not my career, not my academic pursuits, not my family or friends… me and my soul. And I have every faith that in turn it will be good for all of those other things.

Take time to feed your soul, B. That’s what the Universe has taught me in the past few days.

I am forever grateful for that.

Talk soon-

B-

 

With good intentions

Well they say you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You might look at it longingly, fully intending to not eat too much of it, but eat too much of it anyway and maybeeeee get a belly ache.

This happened to me recently. And the belly ache was SO big it nearly cost me something really important to me that I had worked really hard for.

It took me a good few days to even come down from how upset I was about it and then on top of that I had to somehow learn to move forward and forgive myself for my mistake. I think forgiving myself is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to do in this life. Never mind doing it with compassion. So you know how I did it? It happened naturally – I was reminded of something my Aunt told me once when I was younger – about life in general really. She said to me:

If you ever have doubts, remember why you started…

So I started analyzing it, as I do, but instead I shifted my perspective a bit – and I thought – okay why did I do that originally? Where was I coming from?

Sometimes we need to take a minute to see our own perspective ya know? And be sympathetic to it for goodness sakes! I know it doesn’t change what happened, but for me, the ability to understand and be reminded of where I was coming from healed the wound. I was able to stop punishing myself and start forgiving myself. Not everything has to be so SERIOUS and so GRAVE. Sometimes things can be seen through a more playful lens … taking things and holding them lightly.

I was coming from a good place, with a pure heart and good intentions. That realization felt like a big hug. I needed it, for real.

It’s not easy to forgive ourselves. Never mind doing it with compassion. Just remember why you started and it might help you to see a perspective that reminds you of the goodness in your heart. If you always do things with good intentions, you will forgive and be forgiven.

Thoughts for a Monday anyway.

Talk soon

B-

I allow myself to trust in life

I have a morning routine. Do you?

I don’t know if I’ve always had one… I suppose I have but this one that I’ve been into lately is a purposeful morning routine. Every morning when I open my eyes I stick on some sort of guided meditation. I love it. I take 10-20 minutes in the morning to just allow myself to be and to listen to what is being said, repeat a mantra, ponder a centering thought. Whatever it is I just go with it and then at the end of it I feel ready to get out of my bed and continue to live the day.

This morning’s meditation was one lead by my Spiritual Mentor, talking me through raising my frequency in life. I’ve listened to this one a few times in the past week actually because I really enjoy where it takes me and I particularly enjoy how I feel afterwards throughout my day. Today a couple of lines stuck out to me and I’ve been thinking about them since.

I allow myself to let go and trust in life. I allow myself to let go and trust in myself.

These lines radiated through me today. And for whatever reason, stuck with me enough to remember them. At the time when I heard them I felt an instant sense of huge relief. It was like I was actually allowing myself to let go of everything before and after this moment and just be present. It was so relaxing to feel that and to be okay with where I am at. This feeling usually carries with me throughout the day but today the moment was only fleeting.

I finished my last week of classes for the MA this week. That is huge. I can’t believe I will no longer be attending regular classes in the studios at UL. I was immediately flooded with emotions and still find myself trying to comprehend the shift that is about to take place in my life. Cue the serious sense of overwhelm…

SO this is where I find myself wishing I could go back to that moment this morning where I felt completely relieved in the fact that I was allowing myself to let go and trust myself and trust life.

Naturally since I have been bothered by this all morning/afternoon, I haven’t been able to start my work (which is piling up… #overwhelm). And naaattturallly… I had a thought about this. So I had to write. Writing is the only thing that feels right 24/7 to me. Regardless of what is going on in my life or where I am/what I am doing… I can always write and I will always make time to write. It feels good for my soul.

Here is the thought:

Allowing is harder than doing. But allowing is what leads to trusting life and ourselves.

Allowing is like… conscious non-doing. We need more of this. If you think about it… when you allow something to happen there is a bit of a sense of fear/risk, unknowing, chancing, also excitement and a bit of relief. To say the least lol. It’s like letting go of the control of trying to do the thing. So why don’t we all stop trying to do the thing and allow things to happen. So I am consciously choosing to allow myself to trust in life. I am sitting here writing because I am aware that how I feel when I am doing this is much better than how I feel doing anything else. Therefore… I am allowing myself to trust that this is what feels right.

Choose to allow.

Choose to allow yourself to trust.

Choose to allow yourself to trust yourself.

Choose to allow yourself to trust yourself and to trust life.

I’m afraid that it might actually be that simple. Annoyingggggg. But it actually might be! Avoid disappointment and allow.

I know life gets in the way and it feels like we have all these things we have to do and need to do and want to do etc etc but whenever we can, let’s choose to allow life to take us to where we probably need to be in that moment.

Try it and let me know how it goes! I’ve decided to do it today when I can. When I’m willing to take the risk and allow. Oh also if you want to try some guided meditations here are a few!

Happy Saturday

Talk soon-

B-

PS. Photo credit goes to the lovely Karen Goltz, a fellow UL colleague and very talented photographer

Stories from my grandfather

What can we gain from those who have lived a length of their life before us? I’m just sitting on the train now on the way back from Galway after visiting my Grandfather for the weekend and I am wrecked. I have been bombarded with information over this weekend without even realizing it! How lucky am I though?

We spoke about every topic under the sun and he shared many thoughts with me, some of which surprised me. He informed me about his youth and the lives of his family who came before him. He gave me a history lesson. A personal history lesson just for me, to add to my sense of personal identity. In my life, times like these are rare. It’s not very often I get to spend a full day with my grandfather, talking with him and listening to him and allowing him the platform to share what has been experienced, lived and thought for nearly 70 years.

So as I sit here I’m thinking about a promise I made him – to record the thoughts, stories and experiences of those who lived before me while I’m lucky enough to still have them around. I need to get a tape recorder. I promised.

But for now the best I can do is share some thoughts. Because I feel enlightened after hearing them and reflecting on them and also because the man wants to leave one clean grain of sand in this world. So let’s see if I can help him.

  • When you hit a slump. Go back to your basics.
  • What matters is not that you fell down, but how you get back up.
  • Hustle when you have to, but realize when you don’t have to.
  • There is something to be gained from every experience you have. Pay attention.
  • If you need to or say you’re going to do something, do it right then and there.
  • My personal favorite for when we are all retired like him: As soon as you see the sun, leave the house!
  • Know who you’re dealing with and deal in their language. (ie. sometimes you have to get crazy when you deal with crazy… ya know? You’d love to hear the stories about that. HAH.)
  • There are certain relationships in this world that are special by nature, if you are lucky enough to have one, recognize it and cherish it.

He doesn’t realize it because he thinks he’s boring me. But I appreciate his company and hearing him share pieces of himself just as much as he does. It’s also lovely to have a bit of home with me over the next few weeks. Even if I don’t see him I know he’s there. It’s a great reminder to us if we ever feel lonely in this world.

Just like the stars. You don’t have to see them to know they are there. Thanks for a great weekend gramps ❤

Talk soon

B-

Fill up your own cup.

I read this line earlier – ‘mornings are about renewal.’ WELL. It’s like that line was written right when I woke up this morning because for the first time in a while I had the morning to do whatever I wanted in that moment and it felt so great. I spent an hour and a half in the studio doing the things I wanted to do. Not just practicing, not working on my solo, just doing what I wanted to do. And I thought… now that is the way to live the day.

Happy lives are built on happy days.

Happy lives are built on happy DAYS. Happy moments even! I know I recently spoke about being present. But there is some next level shtuff happening now for me and it has to do with being present and making choices at the same time. I am choosing to do the things that light me up. To be around the people who light me up. To smell the flowers. Literally (thanks M&E you know who you are). I am choosing to actively build happy days by living happy moments.

Now… before we all get overwhelmed (and go into Bob the builder mode)… Can we do it? YES. We can. But the finesse of my thought here is this… avoid getting carried away. Do this by remaining truly truly present. Each moment goes by in the snap of a finger. So all you need to worry about is that moment. What can you do in THIS particular moment to build a happy day?

Look up. See the sun. Look out. Taste the rainbow. Pause. Take a breath. Hug a friend. Kiss a loved one. Scratch an itch for goodness sake! Whatever it is in this moment that lights you up, even the slightest bit, is the path to a happy life.

They always say – all we have is now. Have you heard that? Well listen its true. Corny but true. So right now. Now now now now … live a happy moment.

All of those moments will add up. And this is living.

Talk soon

B-

 

Perspective.

It’s been a very crazy week for me. I had my first call with my spiritual mentor on Wednesday and she and I spent a lot of time talking about responsibility and homesickness, connection and energy. I listened to the call again today and another thought dawned on me.

Time is passing, space is opening, I am living each day trying to be present but I feel like I have no control over what I’m doing. i feel like I’m not making choices, just letting things happen. Not accepting them per se but just being there for them. And then I end up feeling guilty, panicky, upset or any number of things that don’t align with who I am as a person and how I want to be living in this world. So what does that even mean? I have got the wrong perspective on my days.

That’s what hit me. My perspective is all kinds of messed up. So think about this…. and read this loud and clear, I know I will about 100 times.

Don’t just allow things to happen and try to be present. CHOOSE to allow things to happen and CHOOSE to be present in the moments.

Example… If you feel tired and you start falling asleep at your computer… this is the universe and your body simply saying: It’s time for a rest now. SO … don’t just pass out at the computer and then wake up feeling guilty. Choose to allow yourself to rest for a bit, enjoy the rest because you clearly need it, and then carry on with your life and your days. Ya know?

Choose your perspective… what does your looking glass allow you to see? When you look in the mirror, what does it reflect back? You might not be able to control it, but you damn sure can choose to allow wonderful things to be revealed to you.

Choose to allow a bit of luck into your life. Be a little superstitious from now on. Life is magical anyway.

Just a bitta thinkin on a Friday. Cyberspace – I appreciate you.

Talk soon,

B-

A steady drip is a good flow.

I woke up this morning at 615 am so that I could drive to Shannon Airport with my roommate (who is an absolute angel by the way) to pick up my Grandfather. He is visiting Ireland for the first time and he will be here for the next 6 weeks exploring the country of his heritage. I am excited for him. I also enjoyed seeing him this morning and having breakfast. It was a moment of pride for us both I think because I was able to show him my house and a little piece of the life that I have worked so hard to create over here on my own. And for him, he was able to see the fruits of my labor and was proud to see how hard I’ve worked.

He said to me that I’ve gotten my drive from my mother… that I’m not a quitter. He knows I’ve been knocked down a bit and so he mentioned to me that he was happy to see how I’ve continued to keep doing what I think is right for me. All that over a few scrambled eggs! Anyway he asked me about all of the things I was doing. Was I still doing Irish Dancing? Was I still working online? Was I still teaching classes? Was I still going on tour?

I told him that basically everything had been put on the back burner since starting this MA because I really wanted to focus on it and get the most out of it. And he said to me “Bianca, a steady drip is still a good flow, a plumber once told me that.”

WELL. How perfect and timely was that for me? I’ll tell you… I was only feeling since yesterday morning… like a bit of a nagging feeling was creeping back in about me not having done 1 million and one things lately because I took some time to relax. I have been giving everything into my course and coursework and doing some projects on the side, all to become a better dancer and performer. So after an evening off, I was already starting to be hard on myself about resting for that small amount of time. And then he reminded me, so casually, that slow and steady wins the race.

It goes along with everything that matters to me in my life right now. Being present, finding my truth, celebrating who I am. We need to just keep going doing what we can right now and doing it well. So whatever you are doing now, so long as you are sure that it is enough for you, then it is enough. And you owe it to yourself to do it to the best of your ability because it will lead you to the next thing.

There is no need to hurry up and try to rush to get to where we want to be. I read once, from a very intelligent person, that “becoming is better than being”. So what’s the rush to be? We are becoming, every second of everyday. So keep on with that steady drip, it’s still a good flow. Eventually you might find that it becomes a full blown stream.

Happy Sunday =)

Talk soon

B-