Tag: musings

  • To the beach

    Some days I wake up and I have a lot on my mind- I wonder about what happened during my sleep. I can’t remember my dreams usually but I feel like my body remembers. So then my mental activity is quite … high. And today was one of those days. I woke up and felt…

  • God, where have I been?

    Well this is the thing – I have been in a rocky relationship with God for a long time. Since birth I was raised to believe that God was a certain way and represented a certain thing and liked things to be a certain way. So you had to be a certain way as a…

  • I realized

    So she worries. This is the phrase that I was given. I have to say that I just feel like I want to be here sitting in this position with my hands on the keyboard and that is why I am here. I am not sure what is coming out yet but I am sure…

  • Cast it into the fire

    This is a thing that I could do all the time (writing). I am in the process of looking for jobs. I’m not looking too hard yet but I’ve decided that I want to. I want to work for someone else who can teach me things. I want to be in an environment where I…

  • This is the middle.

    It’s so funny but also not funny how this is the first thing to go. This is the first thing to go when something changes in my life now. I remember I used to rely on writing so much. It was my daily life blood. When I was about 14 years old – maybe 13…

  • Shame in being different.

    The other day I wrote about how I know that I need to do things my own way. Today it hit me that I actually have a lot of shame in that. I harbor a lot of shame about being “different” and so that is in direct opposition to the core of my purpose which…

  • How do we choose?

    I want to share a few things that I know about myself. And a few things that I felt I had to be which really don’t suit me. That’s why I came in here. But I want to start off by saying that there are so many times when I want to just sit down…

  • Every day doesn’t have to sound a certain way.

    I feel tired of having to be this person that others think I am. There’s something that seems to have been learned in me that says – don’t call anyone unless you are in a good mood. And if they call you, make sure you sound happy so you can make them happy. Oh it…

  • Shower thoughts and showers of thoughts

    I learn a lot about myself, but how much do I experience of myself? OHHH man some days I can’t stop crying. Some days I just can’t stop. I feel that I don’t cry enough on a regular basis or something because it comes in floods and then it helps SO MUCH. I have so…

  • So where did you go?

    I feel you, I go back to that moment when you touched my shoulder and you said, “I’m gonna get drunk at your house on Christmas.” Weren’t we all so desperate to recreate Thanksgiving? That longing for belonging. I can’t be sure, but I think that the alcohol killed you as much as it soothed…