Dancing in the rain

I danced in the rain today. Literally. But there’s something about that phrase – isn’t there a quote that goes something like … learn to dance in the rain? Something like that.

Anyway – it’s such a funny process to go through – surrendering. I experienced it today in such a physical way that it gave me so much hope for surrendering to all other aspects of this life. I’d like to share the story with you. (I’m currently sitting in my cousin’s bed procrastinating on a funding application… so that’s me right now and it’s obviously the best time to tell this story)

I was asked by my aunt to dance in the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Galway – with her daughters’ GAA club. So I said yes. I had to do a dance with a Gaelic football. Piece of cake… lol. It was a lot of fun actually. Once I gave up on every thought or desire I had about how the day would go. To be honest I didn’t really have very many but I can name a million experiences like this where I did. Anyway!

We got out of the car and I managed to fit this GAA jersey over my winter coat (thanks be to the forces that be). We made our way over to our spot in the parade looking like a bunch of hunchbacked Michelin men (you know the puffy white man who sells tires?!). We were a great looking bunch anyway.

It starts raining nearly immediately as we start walking towards our spot. It’s not too bad yet but I had a feeling it was going to be that kind of day. The forecast was predicting 100 percent chance of rain and not the kind of raindrops that don’t make a fuss.

Get there and we are standing for about 45 minutes before it even starts. It’s lashing down. It’s freezing. Every single layer of my clothes (about 5/6 of em on top at least!) is slowly soaking. It’s like I realized that this was all completely out of my control and whether I liked it or not I was going to be dancing in the parade soaking wet. So looking back… I obviously decided to just like it!

Enjoyed myself thoroughly and got completely soaked. It didn’t have to be a bad day just because I may have had desires for the day to be a certain way and it wasn’t. You know that process that we go through sometimes? Where we set ourselves up for how we want things to go and then we torture ourselves miserably as we slowly and painfully let go of each desire one by one until either the day is over or we allow ourselves to enjoy it.

Something about the impending doom of lashing rain just allows that process to be instantaneous for me. I welcome these lashings of rain in every aspect of my life now because I am so ready to just surrender and accept every moment.

Today was a great one. And now I’m in bed lucky enough to reminisce about it. No complaints here.

Talk soon,

B-

Make art even if no one is watching.

Make art especially if no one is watching. How about that?

I recently heard someone say – we learn best through stories.

Why is it that we hold ourselves back until we find something that makes us feel validated?

Do things for the sake of doing them.

I recently experienced a deep-seated sadness and fear, I didn’t know myself.

Why is it that I feel like I have to know myself… why cant I just be myself?

Be here because that is enough. No one else can be you, here.

I recently thought a recurring thought… my mind is going to kill me.

Why is it that I feel the need to think everything… why can’t I just experience it?

We are more than our minds.

Body.

Soul.

Spirit.

I recently realized that my work life and personal life are becoming more connected.

Why is it that I felt like I had to keep things compartmentalized?

Life is not meant to be lived in a box. The soul is abstract.

I recently cried so hard that I felt like my body would explode.

Why is it that it scares me to cry that much?

If my body explodes – it allows me space for my soul to be freed.

Free your soul. Free your soul. Free your soul. 

 

That might be a welcomed change. I would be lying if I said this writing is not inspired. I have been recently very deeply moved by the actions of people around me and the settling of the dust in my life. To those who fear that their mind may be getting the best of them, those who push their bodies to their limits because they fear they’d be nothing without them, for what it’s worth – I believe that your soul is infinite just like all of ours and that no matter what physicality or mentality tries to keep us down, we are meant to be freed. Free your soul. Dive into yourself. And if you want a friend, you can find one in me.

Talk soon,

 

B-

The timing of things.

What I want you to know is this:

1. There has never been a safer time in history to share your soul’s voice than right now. And every time you share your soul’s voice, you not only make it easier for you, you also encourage someone else to do the same.

2. If you are in a spiritual closet right now or just holding back the bigness of your message due to fear, I pray that you will find the courage to breathe through the uncomfortableness and share what is inside of you. When one woman rises, she makes the path that much brighter for She.

Thank you Rebecca Campbell.

I recently did a photoshoot in the rain. I recently got out of a 3.5 year-long relationship. I recently completed my Masters in Dance Performance. I recently learned how to play the piano.

I finally moved the keyboard into my room so I could practice. I finally accepted the truth about how I felt about being single. I finally started choreographing again. I finally started putting myself out there more.

I am now learning to play an 18-page long piano piece. I am teaching, sharing what I have learned with people of all ages. I am spending more time with myself and with my friends. I am getting excited about my creative projects and aspirations. I am writing a song!

After being in bed for the past two days, hibernating, I am accepting my times of low energy because I know now that I recently, finally, and am doing my best at any given time.

We have to accept the timing of things in life, don’t we?

Writing when I feel bad.

Today feels really hard. Yesterday felt extremely hard. My parents sold my family home yesterday. I feel like the roots I had in this Earth have been uplifted without any closure. I’m not there, so what can I do? It feels surprisingly (yet also familiarly) lonely. I know I’m here, in Ireland, with a great life over here, but the biggest piece of my heart belongs with my family and I’m not there with them during this transition time in their lives. That is hard. And then there is me… I always forget about me.

But if I’m honest I am lonely and I am sad. So in the spirit of being true to me I come here to share.

I like to share my thoughts. If it makes me think, then I think… maybe someone else might think about this too. So here I am, just thinking about what is really important in this life to me. I realized I’m at a point where I am not too sure anymore.

What is important in this crazy life? That seems too big a question to answer so I spent the afternoon taking it down a notch. What feels important to me today? It’s important to me to have space for a cup of tea. It’s important to me to rest my eyes when I feel tired. It’s important to me to have nice chats with people. It’s important to me to hug and be hugged. To laugh and make others laugh. To take the time for myself that I need.

Sometimes I think I get so caught up in the particulars of life that I lose sight of the perspective, the big picture. So I’ve decided to shift my perspective. To get caught up again in the particulars of what’s important to me, for me to just be me.

So here’s the thought: What space can we carve out in our days to do things for ourselves? If you had the space, what would you do? What does space mean to you versus time?

That cup of tea is calling … loud and clear. Saying MAKE SPACE FOR ME PLEASE. I much prefer to use the word space because you see… my relationship with time is linear and filled with panic at times. So many of us seem to be constantly rushing to get things done as quickly as possible because apparently we are all running out of time. What does that even mean? Let it go and let’s all make space for the things we love to do eh?

Think about how bit OUTERSPACE is! Surely if space extends far faraway, beyond our wildest imaginations, there’s got to be a little bit in it for you and what you want/need to be your best self right? Right.

Talk soon,

B-

 

 

A steady drip is a good flow.

I woke up this morning at 615 am so that I could drive to Shannon Airport with my roommate (who is an absolute angel by the way) to pick up my Grandfather. He is visiting Ireland for the first time and he will be here for the next 6 weeks exploring the country of his heritage. I am excited for him. I also enjoyed seeing him this morning and having breakfast. It was a moment of pride for us both I think because I was able to show him my house and a little piece of the life that I have worked so hard to create over here on my own. And for him, he was able to see the fruits of my labor and was proud to see how hard I’ve worked.

He said to me that I’ve gotten my drive from my mother… that I’m not a quitter. He knows I’ve been knocked down a bit and so he mentioned to me that he was happy to see how I’ve continued to keep doing what I think is right for me. All that over a few scrambled eggs! Anyway he asked me about all of the things I was doing. Was I still doing Irish Dancing? Was I still working online? Was I still teaching classes? Was I still going on tour?

I told him that basically everything had been put on the back burner since starting this MA because I really wanted to focus on it and get the most out of it. And he said to me “Bianca, a steady drip is still a good flow, a plumber once told me that.”

WELL. How perfect and timely was that for me? I’ll tell you… I was only feeling since yesterday morning… like a bit of a nagging feeling was creeping back in about me not having done 1 million and one things lately because I took some time to relax. I have been giving everything into my course and coursework and doing some projects on the side, all to become a better dancer and performer. So after an evening off, I was already starting to be hard on myself about resting for that small amount of time. And then he reminded me, so casually, that slow and steady wins the race.

It goes along with everything that matters to me in my life right now. Being present, finding my truth, celebrating who I am. We need to just keep going doing what we can right now and doing it well. So whatever you are doing now, so long as you are sure that it is enough for you, then it is enough. And you owe it to yourself to do it to the best of your ability because it will lead you to the next thing.

There is no need to hurry up and try to rush to get to where we want to be. I read once, from a very intelligent person, that “becoming is better than being”. So what’s the rush to be? We are becoming, every second of everyday. So keep on with that steady drip, it’s still a good flow. Eventually you might find that it becomes a full blown stream.

Happy Sunday =)

Talk soon

B-

Finding your truth.

So here’s a thought for a Friday. Give yourself the weekend maybe to ponder this.

How do you know what you know?

How did you learn it? Who did you learn it from? Who did they learn that from? How do you know its the truth? Is it fact?

Just think about these things for the weekend because I have been spending months thinking about them, and particularly this last week because my notions of what’s true and what’s not have been challenged tremendously.

I know I say this a lot but this is a pure fact for me: We see life through our own individual lenses. So our perspective is individual, unique and unlike that of anyone else in the world.

That being said, we can be influenced and every single one of us has been influenced by something or someone at least once if not a million times in their lives so far. So how do you then take it and add it into your truth?

Your truth- n. your beliefs, your values, what you think about things and how you feel about life; this is your perspective only. It only becomes your truth when you decide to own what you believe feel and think, even if it was told to you, taught to you or given to you by someone.

This all becomes your truth when you have put it through the test. If a piece of information, an experience, a perspective or otherwise, passes your test… then you can say it is your truth and you own it.

To put it simply? Don’t ever blindly believe what you see, hear or are told. You should always always always question EVERYTHING. Question it until you can make sense of it in your own mind, body and soul. Then it becomes a part of you. And don’t ever forget where it came from or how you got there.

Don’t allow something to become a part of who you are if you can’t say that you believe in what it stands for. Life is colorful and we are all individual artists. So go out and make your work of art. Make it for you, how you want it and with everything you believe in and love to explore.

The most beautiful thing is that you have something, some of your personal essence, to add to everything you’ve experienced, taken from someone else and learned through life. So even if someone else learns the same thing that you’ve learned, your art will look different to theirs. No one ever interprets anything in this life the same way. So own your interpretations. Take it and interpret it through your own lens and send it back into the world when you are good and ready.

Go out and learn. Be inspired. Take from people. Give to people. Find your truth. Know your truth. Own it. Live it. Be it.

Talk soon,

B-

How about just be who you are?

How the heck do we do that eh? Well I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trying not to think ahaha! And it has cleared up a few things for me. I have spent so much time getting caught up in what I want to be or how I should be. You know that feeling? The feeling of putting that pressure on yourself to

“eat less carbs”, “be more polite” “be a positive person” “get a degree so you can get a job” “keep your head down and accept it” “dye your hair so you can look younger” “keep your thoughts to yourself so you seem happy”

BLAH. Blahblahblah. When you read those don’t they just seem so … forced?

So don’t force it. Be who you are. Just Be.Who.You.Are. Release the judgements, honestly. Just live. And be. Acknowledge and notice what you like, who you like, how you are and what you are doing. And let them BE.

For the past 9 days I have been participating in this 30 Day Love Yourself Challenge – I don’t know what it’s actually called ahah but that is what I’m calling it. Basically you keep a stack of post its next to your bed and every morning when you wake up – you write something nice about yourself- something that you like about yourself or something about who you are that makes you proud.

DO THIS. And trust what you write. That is who you are. Put them in places where you can see them. Read them and believe them for goodness sake. Because THAT IS WHO YOU ARE. Be brave. Have the nerve.

So just be who you are because that person is probably pretty great.

That person is probably a really good cook, or a really great friend, a talented dancer or singer, a creative person, a loyal companion, a great conversationalist, a very intelligent person, a great writer, an amazing athlete, a beautiful soul… A real live person who can only be who you are.

Trust.

Talk soon,

B-

Here is my take on self-worth

You can’t put a price on your self-worth. And so what happens when people try to do that? You learn to fight for what you think is right… eventually.

Allow me to share. It hit me like a ton of bricks today and it was so gratifying. Someone was trying to sell me something. Something that I wanted and felt like I needed in order to better myself. My spiritual self.

My soul needs this thing. So it’s important. This person knows that. But something wasn’t right because what I felt like I thought I was getting and what I was actually going to be getting were not matching up. So I had a thought… is this worth doing?

Yes. But it’s worth doing right.

Why settle for less? You should be happy and you should have things the way that you want them. Even if they don’t end up that way, you should at least try. Why? Because You should feel like you are worth having the things you want, the way that you want them.

So I chanced my arm. And I tried to bargain. I haven’t heard back yet but I will let you know if the price is right for me.

In the meantime I will say this – people always say to me… “Well you can’t always have what you want.” “You can’t just go around doing whatever you want.”

Do you know what I say to them… WHY NOT? Food for thought.

Ask yourself this: What would happen if I said yes to myself? What would happen if I just did exactly what I wanted? If I always advocated for myself? What would happen? What is the price of your self-worth?

You deserve it. Go you.

Talk soon,

B-

 

Why don’t I stay awhile?

I have missed this. This here. Sitting here typing to my heart’s content and freeing my mind to allow more space for my soul to breathe. That’s what this is about for me. I have nearly avoided it for the past few months in a funny way. I realize now I was maybe trying to convince myself that I didn’t need to write because I had now regained a sense of my relationship with dancing. Well I learned the hard way. The very hard way. And so I have decided to come back and sit and type and stay a while.

I want to share something that I experienced the other day that has changed my life in a tremendous way. It has led me to this point where I am writing again and for the right reasons on top of it.

From the time I was a kid, I found life to be very overwhelming. I had anxieties about going places and leaving my parents, especially my mom. Her energy ran through me from the time I was very small even though I didn’t realize what was actually happening. Anyway for that reason I felt like I needed to support her, protect her and be near her.

This continued to happen to me in my life with many other people and I started to realize in my late teens that my intuition was unusually strong and it led me to say things that I knew were true about people, things from the depths of their souls and their psyches – but I couldn’t explain them.

I knew when something was wrong with someone before they did. Complete strangers would meet me and within minutes be telling me their life stories and deepest secrets. I would meet someone, learn something about them and then days later it would hit me and I would cry or just feel so deeply for him or her, almost as if I could experience and feel what they might be feeling.

Both of my parents went through a difficult time when I first started college and it nearly killed me. Allowing myself to feel for them hurt me so badly that I had to shut myself off. I went through a hard time after that. But through it I finally learned what to call myself- an empath. This graphic helps to generalize/explain it.

Empath

I got through it but it’s a long story. So I will skip forward to now because apparently history has repeated itself and I had myself shut off for the past couple of years in some way. How do I know? Well this past week it got cracked RIGHT open and I have been dealing with this new enlightenment since.

A couple months back I read through a magazine called Positive Life and I came across a woman who is a Channel Healer. I looked her up and subscribed to her mailing list. A few emails a week would pop into my inbox and I would always skim them because she revealed interesting things to me about the universe and so I wanted to allow myself to think about them every once in a while.

One day she sent an email saying she was offering complimentary calls with people like me and so I signed up for one. I don’t even know what made me decide to do that because I don’t usually do it and I wasn’t even sure that it would actually happen. To be honest when she emailed me back personally to schedule the call I was a bit shocked.

We scheduled it for two Mondays ago and I want to tell you a bit about it now.

First off, it was for 7 pm and we were in the studio until 645 that day. Did I mention I am doing my Masters in Contemporary Dance? I probably said it in my last post about 5 years ago lol. Man it’s great to be back! Anyway for the past two weeks we have been working on an ensemble piece and that day we had a bit of a different schedule that led us to being in later than I had expected. I was so anxious about being late for the call because I was really looking forward to it and it was almost as if I knew it was going to be so important for me.

My stress levels were through the roof though I have to say which didn’t help me when it came to the call itself because it took me a minute to calm down when I walked in the door and got on Skype.

I survived the stress anyway and I was now on Skype – audio only – with this woman who was about to reveal to me my true self.

Talking to her felt like talking to an old friend. She not only understood where I was coming from but she could feel my energy. I would feel something vibrating/tingling in my chest and throat just as she would say she could feel the energy coming up through my chest and my throat and that it was of a certain color, whatever that color might be. My entire body was tingling. She said to me it feels like a lot of my energy was going outwards. She asked me to tap into the things I mentioned to her that I wanted to be doing with my days and my life. As the seconds passed by the vibrational changes were unbelievable and completely overwhelming. I just couldn’t help but cry. It hit me hard. I had been out of touch with myself. For how long? Who knows. But I was nearly completely out of touch with what vibrates true to who I am at the core. Constantly seeking outside sources to share with so that I could regain that feeling that I used to simply have within myself. That trust in the ability to chase after and manifest what I wanted in my life. That connection with self that allowed me to be my best self for others as well. One of the biggest tangible takeaways from that talk was that I need to do the things that help me to reconnect with myself again. The first thing I mentioned in the call was wanting more time to write.

So here I am. Writing about this experience. Writing everyday in my journal about how I’m feeling. Writing down a compliment a day on a post it for the next 30 days. Writing a sentence a day in my 5 year journal about what’s happening. Writing my life, my thoughts, my feelings… writing my soul. To allow me to navigate this world. As a support. A good friend.

Welcome back, old friend. It’s great to be reacquainted.

Talk soon,

B-

 

For those of you who read this and want to talk more about the empath world, might want some advice or a chat please feel free to reach out to me in the comments and we can connect!

 

You can make a home wherever you go.

Isn’t it funny how people can get hung up on logistics and details? You want a certain thing but it has to be a certain way or you won’t be happy. Everything must be prepackaged just the way you like it or it isn’t for you. Is that right?

Does that even make sense? I don’t think I believe in that but I’m starting to try and apply it and it’s not working for me. I’m looking for apartments for next year you see. I’m trying to find a place to live in Limerick, Ireland because I am attending the University of Limerick for my masters. I’m sooo excited but it’s also getting to be a bit of a headache looking for a place to live. Especially knowing that I don’t really have anyone down there to stay with.

I’m used to being in Dublin and it’s where I’ve been living for the past year and a half so I’m excited for a change of scenery, but the excitement wanes slightly when the thought of the scenery is a cardboard box on the street. LOL okay fine I’m not going to be homeless but still, there aren’t as many options as I would like AND on top of it I’m looking for that perfect package.

I just know that I want my place to be a certain way and why not right? You should be able to have standards. BUT if there’s anything I know about myself and anything I’ve learned, it’s that I can make a home wherever I go. Every time my love and I go away I unpack straight away and line up our things in the bathroom and whatever else needs to be done because then it feels like a place you can enjoy. Then it feels homey.

So honestly I feel like if it comes to the point (and it won’t because I have faith in the universe) where I have to settle for something less than my ideal situation, all I really need is my journal, a few photos and a few pieces of home and I’ll make the best of it.

Even though I am sitting here and little Bee is like… NO. You are going to be tired everyday after dancing you are going to want a nice place that is close to school where you can go and be alone and relax. Sleep in your own big bed and shower in your own shower in your owwwnnnn bathroom and not deal with noisy messy people.

Yes. AMEN. Yes yes and yes. Of course. But you really can make a home wherever you go. And then I started thinking about the daily prompt I read earlier in my inbox.

So if we had a chance to get on a NASA voyager and bring the best of the human culture with us … just think- what would you need to make a home? For me it’s about the company, the comfort and the treats. So let’s all bring our favorite people, our most prized possessions, try to strip down the materialism if we can and we will be just fine.