Dancing in the rain

I danced in the rain today. Literally. But there’s something about that phrase – isn’t there a quote that goes something like … learn to dance in the rain? Something like that.

Anyway – it’s such a funny process to go through – surrendering. I experienced it today in such a physical way that it gave me so much hope for surrendering to all other aspects of this life. I’d like to share the story with you. (I’m currently sitting in my cousin’s bed procrastinating on a funding application… so that’s me right now and it’s obviously the best time to tell this story)

I was asked by my aunt to dance in the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Galway – with her daughters’ GAA club. So I said yes. I had to do a dance with a Gaelic football. Piece of cake… lol. It was a lot of fun actually. Once I gave up on every thought or desire I had about how the day would go. To be honest I didn’t really have very many but I can name a million experiences like this where I did. Anyway!

We got out of the car and I managed to fit this GAA jersey over my winter coat (thanks be to the forces that be). We made our way over to our spot in the parade looking like a bunch of hunchbacked Michelin men (you know the puffy white man who sells tires?!). We were a great looking bunch anyway.

It starts raining nearly immediately as we start walking towards our spot. It’s not too bad yet but I had a feeling it was going to be that kind of day. The forecast was predicting 100 percent chance of rain and not the kind of raindrops that don’t make a fuss.

Get there and we are standing for about 45 minutes before it even starts. It’s lashing down. It’s freezing. Every single layer of my clothes (about 5/6 of em on top at least!) is slowly soaking. It’s like I realized that this was all completely out of my control and whether I liked it or not I was going to be dancing in the parade soaking wet. So looking back… I obviously decided to just like it!

Enjoyed myself thoroughly and got completely soaked. It didn’t have to be a bad day just because I may have had desires for the day to be a certain way and it wasn’t. You know that process that we go through sometimes? Where we set ourselves up for how we want things to go and then we torture ourselves miserably as we slowly and painfully let go of each desire one by one until either the day is over or we allow ourselves to enjoy it.

Something about the impending doom of lashing rain just allows that process to be instantaneous for me. I welcome these lashings of rain in every aspect of my life now because I am so ready to just surrender and accept every moment.

Today was a great one. And now I’m in bed lucky enough to reminisce about it. No complaints here.

Talk soon,

B-

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Make art even if no one is watching.

Make art especially if no one is watching. How about that?

I recently heard someone say – we learn best through stories.

Why is it that we hold ourselves back until we find something that makes us feel validated?

Do things for the sake of doing them.

I recently experienced a deep-seated sadness and fear, I didn’t know myself.

Why is it that I feel like I have to know myself… why cant I just be myself?

Be here because that is enough. No one else can be you, here.

I recently thought a recurring thought… my mind is going to kill me.

Why is it that I feel the need to think everything… why can’t I just experience it?

We are more than our minds.

Body.

Soul.

Spirit.

I recently realized that my work life and personal life are becoming more connected.

Why is it that I felt like I had to keep things compartmentalized?

Life is not meant to be lived in a box. The soul is abstract.

I recently cried so hard that I felt like my body would explode.

Why is it that it scares me to cry that much?

If my body explodes – it allows me space for my soul to be freed.

Free your soul. Free your soul. Free your soul. 

 

That might be a welcomed change. I would be lying if I said this writing is not inspired. I have been recently very deeply moved by the actions of people around me and the settling of the dust in my life. To those who fear that their mind may be getting the best of them, those who push their bodies to their limits because they fear they’d be nothing without them, for what it’s worth – I believe that your soul is infinite just like all of ours and that no matter what physicality or mentality tries to keep us down, we are meant to be freed. Free your soul. Dive into yourself. And if you want a friend, you can find one in me.

Talk soon,

 

B-

Take care of yourself

See that woman in that photo? My little mom. She has (and still does) cared for me in ways that I can’t even comprehend. But I can feel them and I know who I am today in large part because of her.

I received an open letter recently. In it I read the words – take care of yourself. Ugh. Hmph. Bleugh. Blah. Wah.

Well do you ever just feel like… what’s the point? Why am I doing all of this? Am I torturing myself? Should I really have to try this hard? If I’m trying is it working? If I don’t try what happens? Can I trust?

How do I know if I can trust? What does all of this even mean? What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Will I ever feel better? When will the pain go away? Why does it hurt so much sometimes? What do we do with the thoughts that linger?

Why don’t I want to talk to anyone? Why is it that I can’t accept when people do nice things for me? What do I do with that? Why am I punishing myself? Why can’t I just listen and take it all in? Why do I have to learn the hard way?

Why does it hurt so much? Why does it actually physically hurt to feel emotional pain? What does it feel like to know the other side of this hurt?

Yesterday I had gone about an hour without crying at the most. But when it hits me as hard as it does, I’m still here. So I have survived. I once said to a friend- the worst that happens is that we survive and the best that happens is we thrive.

I JUST WANT TO GIVE IN. So today I said no. No more. I am done. I have tried and things have blown up in my face.

You wanna know how I’m going to do it? The Power of Now. I want to share an experience I had this afternoon:

I bought the book, The Power of Now, last week and today I started reading it. I was tired, so so tired. Even though for the past few nights I have been sleeping through the night which is brilliant. (Huge improvement for me really.) So I started to read it and there are moments in the book where he puts up a symbol that means pause. So I decided to just read it and do exactly what it says. I read, I trusted, I paused. I was so comfortable in my princess bed, with my gorgeous flowers across from me. During those pauses – I simply just lied there and looked at them. They made me so happy. I smiled. I rested and I had zero thoughts really.

Then I had this feeling and it overcame me. My body was so warm and just filled with love. My pulse was so strong that I could see it beating and moving the blanket and the phone on top of me. I just had to take it all in. It felt like learning to love myself for just a few moments, like being my own companion ya know? I did this for about a half an hour until I fell asleep, to the sound of the meditation song called Beating Heart. I woke up about 2 hours later and I haven’t really had a thought since. Until I decided to share. I am writing to get the words out so that I can go back to the space between them.

I will be sure to keep you updated on my experience with this beautiful book. I think it will help me to take care of myself. Just like the way little mom always takes care of little b.

Talk soon

B-

How did I get here?

Wowwwww. That saying… when it rains it pours. Right? Well how about the sequel… when it’s already pouring why don’t you just go on and pour a bucket of water over your head…. you’re already soaked right?

Yep. So I saw the colors of my frequency the other day and they are absolutely gorgeous, in my opinion of course. Bronze and Magenta, very glittery and rich grains of energy. And all mine. Since then, I have been having this feeling like the whispers in my head are ready for me to act on them. I know this might all sound crazy, but when you are empathic, it makes a person hypersensitive to the flow of energy around them.

So anyway, needless to say I am here now, after having made a few huge decisions and now attempting to live through the consequences. Rock bottom is an understatement of how I feel and where I am at. But it’s strangely comforting down here. Have you ever had that feeling?

You see in this experience I had a few thoughts. I’m not sure how the best way is to share them because I know that As much as I am capable of thinking, my processing power is way slower than my thinking power. So its like… one thought at a time B, right?

Alright so anyway my first question is … how did I get here? How did I get so low that I literally can’t do anything else but see that there has to be a way up from here.

The funny thing is that I made choices to get me to feeling this way. Why would anyone do such a thing? Well here’s the follow up… the thought…

Do what you know is right.

The consequences are just a shift in the trajectory of your path based on the decision you made. If you know it’s right then let the sh*t times roll on if you have to. And you will know what is right and when it is right. That’s what my mentor tells me anyway so I’m working on that.

This is life and life is real and sometimes life feels bad. But life doesn’t happen unless you make it happen. Choose things that allow you to have more life. When things happen to you, those happenings are consequences. No matter how good or bad they are, do your best to make sure that you can sit with them knowing you made the right choice for yourself at the end of the day.

It’s not easy for me to deal with myself and the life I am living and creating, never mind love and comfort myself when the consequences take a turn for the worse.  So sometimes I just have to sit with it and feel bad. I realized this week when I did that, that the only way is up now.

That realization both scares me and gives me comfort. So that’s better than nothing because I know it’s real.

Talk soon

B-

Perspective.

It’s been a very crazy week for me. I had my first call with my spiritual mentor on Wednesday and she and I spent a lot of time talking about responsibility and homesickness, connection and energy. I listened to the call again today and another thought dawned on me.

Time is passing, space is opening, I am living each day trying to be present but I feel like I have no control over what I’m doing. i feel like I’m not making choices, just letting things happen. Not accepting them per se but just being there for them. And then I end up feeling guilty, panicky, upset or any number of things that don’t align with who I am as a person and how I want to be living in this world. So what does that even mean? I have got the wrong perspective on my days.

That’s what hit me. My perspective is all kinds of messed up. So think about this…. and read this loud and clear, I know I will about 100 times.

Don’t just allow things to happen and try to be present. CHOOSE to allow things to happen and CHOOSE to be present in the moments.

Example… If you feel tired and you start falling asleep at your computer… this is the universe and your body simply saying: It’s time for a rest now. SO … don’t just pass out at the computer and then wake up feeling guilty. Choose to allow yourself to rest for a bit, enjoy the rest because you clearly need it, and then carry on with your life and your days. Ya know?

Choose your perspective… what does your looking glass allow you to see? When you look in the mirror, what does it reflect back? You might not be able to control it, but you damn sure can choose to allow wonderful things to be revealed to you.

Choose to allow a bit of luck into your life. Be a little superstitious from now on. Life is magical anyway.

Just a bitta thinkin on a Friday. Cyberspace – I appreciate you.

Talk soon,

B-

Finding your truth.

So here’s a thought for a Friday. Give yourself the weekend maybe to ponder this.

How do you know what you know?

How did you learn it? Who did you learn it from? Who did they learn that from? How do you know its the truth? Is it fact?

Just think about these things for the weekend because I have been spending months thinking about them, and particularly this last week because my notions of what’s true and what’s not have been challenged tremendously.

I know I say this a lot but this is a pure fact for me: We see life through our own individual lenses. So our perspective is individual, unique and unlike that of anyone else in the world.

That being said, we can be influenced and every single one of us has been influenced by something or someone at least once if not a million times in their lives so far. So how do you then take it and add it into your truth?

Your truth- n. your beliefs, your values, what you think about things and how you feel about life; this is your perspective only. It only becomes your truth when you decide to own what you believe feel and think, even if it was told to you, taught to you or given to you by someone.

This all becomes your truth when you have put it through the test. If a piece of information, an experience, a perspective or otherwise, passes your test… then you can say it is your truth and you own it.

To put it simply? Don’t ever blindly believe what you see, hear or are told. You should always always always question EVERYTHING. Question it until you can make sense of it in your own mind, body and soul. Then it becomes a part of you. And don’t ever forget where it came from or how you got there.

Don’t allow something to become a part of who you are if you can’t say that you believe in what it stands for. Life is colorful and we are all individual artists. So go out and make your work of art. Make it for you, how you want it and with everything you believe in and love to explore.

The most beautiful thing is that you have something, some of your personal essence, to add to everything you’ve experienced, taken from someone else and learned through life. So even if someone else learns the same thing that you’ve learned, your art will look different to theirs. No one ever interprets anything in this life the same way. So own your interpretations. Take it and interpret it through your own lens and send it back into the world when you are good and ready.

Go out and learn. Be inspired. Take from people. Give to people. Find your truth. Know your truth. Own it. Live it. Be it.

Talk soon,

B-

Alright Alright Alright

Let’s talk about how we get places. Let’s just really talk about that because as far as I know… teleportation doesn’t exist yet RIGHT? Definitely not because if it did I’d be in a million places a day hah!

Anyway I was reminded of something today, by someone who inspired me greatly this weekend. He talked to us about the journey… about how to get from A to Z and what it really takes. It had me thinking… how the heck did I get here?

This is the interesting thing about life I think… it really is all about the journey and I know that people say that all the time but I got smacked in the face today with a bit of life-IS-the-journey realness.

Honestly think about it now. Just entertain this for a second. You are at work or school or wherever you spend your time during the day. And you need to go home… How do you get there? Imagine the path in your head. For me it’s getting from the campus at UL to home … So basically I walk out of my building, cross the bridge, walk across campus and out, turn right up to the roundabout and keep walking till I pass the 3rd one… then turn in to my estate and up to my house.

Hmm… so there are about 7/8 different parts to that journey, and about a few hundred/thousand steps involved yeah? But I will get there – I always get home. And guess who participated in the journey the whole time? THIS GIRLLLLLL.

The point?

You have to be present throughout the journey of your life. You have to stick with every single step of the way because that IS the life you are living. It’s worth it to go from A to b, c, d, etc to get to Z because that is what makes you the person you are. You have to LIVEEEEE the points in between otherwise they just pass you by and for what? LIVE THROUGH IT ALL LOVAHS.

I had to remind myself today because I love dancing. I want to be an amazing dancer. But I have my struggles and I am very much in the middle of a process of figuring a few things out. But it will never stop. I have to live in these moments I have now because this is who I am. So I thought I would share the love. And some cyber hugs too if anyone needs em

( ) ( ) ( ) <- those are hugs!

LIVE ON THE EDGE. Talk soon

B-

How far can you push it?

What do you think about that? Do you ever just think… oh I have to save my energy for ___. Better hold back now so I can save it for later. Do you ever go for a run and decide to take it slow for the first 19 minutes because you are running for 20… to save your energy? For what? The last minute? What about the first 19… did you gain from them if you were just holding back the whole time?

This is just an interesting concept I’ve been thinking about these past couple of days because I am here in Manchester doing the HDI Easter Camp organized by Soar UK. I love dancing. I really do… but sometimes I’m not too sure what my relationship really is with it. Until I come to intensives like this and I get smacked in the face with 100-percent-work-for-it realness. Honestly. Every single teacher in every single class has said something along the lines of  “put everything into it, dig deeper because you will never know how far you can go until you do, there is more to you so you have to allow yourself to be more and do more… ” All of these things just have me thinking… WHAT AM I WAITING FOR?

What am I saving for ya know? Life is happening RIGHT NOW. So right this minute we are living and doing. Why hold back in this moment when you can give it everything and then be open for even more in the next moment? This doesn’t just apply to dancing. It applies to life. It IS life.

Why stretch your arm out 90 percent when you know that you can go that extra 10 percent if you just push it a little bit? Why not just freaking RUN for the 20 minutes instead of holding back till minute 19? If you’re gonna do something… do. it. Just do it. And really do it. You can only benefit and be better because of it. Someone said to me once that you should fail hard and fail fast. So let’s freaking go. Turbo charge this life, you know you can. When you look back what do you want your footsteps to look like? Tiny little ones because you were holding back waiting for the day you’d take the leap? Oh heckkkkk noooo. Leap now!

Don’t hold back. What are you waiting for? Life is now. Thoughts for today anyway. I’ve been inspired. Tomorrow’s Bianca will be pushing herself to be the best she can because then Monday’s B will be even better off.

Talk soon,

B-

Allowing myself to be supported

When I was younger I used to wonder. I was a perpetual wonderer. I think I still am but sometimes I feel it’s been a bit dimmed down. When I was young I could wonder about anything because I had two super heroes for parents who obviously knew everything. And if they didn’t well then surely grandma and grampa did because they were the parents of my parents so forget it. Who knew more than them?

The point is… I wondered and I asked about anything and everything and I felt completely justified in doing so. Why? Because if I really wanted to know about it, figure it out, or do it… I knew I had my supports who would help to guide me.

So what happens? Somewhere along the path of “growing up” (a whole different story for another time), we learn/are taught/pick up on this idea of having to be able to do everything ourselves and figure it out all on our own. And then what’s worse is that we lump it under the umbrella of independence. We are independent if we do everything completely on our own. If we suffer through things alone and come out the other side alive, even if barely so; then we are independent. And then what?

What in the loving universe is that about? Honestly. HOW can we do it all on our own? Sometimes we just need help. If you pick any person who you consider to be successful, anyone at all be it your mother or Beyonce, I dare you think about who stands next to them, behind them or even who stood before them in order to get where they are. Do it for a minute. So if freaking Beyonce has inspiration, support, fans, personal cheerleaders, mentors, friends and family… why shouldn’t you? And if all these people out here in the world are making acceptance speeches and thanking their parents, partners, executives, managers, fans, colleagues and whoever the heck else… what makes you think you are any different and can do it on your own? Don’t fall into the trap.

Why am I even saying all of this? (hahaha sometimes I catch myself!) I just feel like I’ve been spending so much time in my short life feeling like I have to do things on my own and like I have to suffer through it all and not let people help me because otherwise I cannot consider myself to be independent. Being independent is clearly something that is a point of personal pride for me. But the truth is … sometimes I’ve felt lonely and sad. Sometimes I’ve felt angry and full of regret. And sometimes I’ve even taken it out on people in my life for not being there for me when I wished they were.

What I’ve realized now is that I wasn’t allowing myself to let them support me. I hadn’t given permission to the people in my life to offer me support that I was wanting for because of my commitment to being “independent” (thanks Beyonce). Anyway I am going to give in to this support now. It’s surrounding me because that is what support is, it’s energy. We are constantly surrounded by energy and the Universe is here to support us however we need, but the challenge is realizing that it’s okay to do that and that you will still be you; probably more you than before.

I said this to someone recently and it actually left an impression on me … “there are people in this world who will be willing to help you just because they want to see you succeed, not because they want anything in return or to take anything away from you. You can get support from people and still maintain all of you.” So I’m gonna try to practice what I preach and I would encourage you to do the same. Allow yourself to support and be supported. Allow yourself to accept the support whether its emotionally, physically, financially, whatever it is … if you need it, ask for it and accept it when it comes because it is for you.

Sometimes we all just need help. Nobody can do this thing called life alone.  I’ve taken my first step and I will be doing a spiritual mentorship for the next 3 months. So I can be better for me and for you. It’s exciting really and I can’t help but wonder… what’s out there for me next? I’m going to get back into that wondering business… it feels good.

Let’s start now eh? =)

Talk soon,

B-

How about just be who you are?

How the heck do we do that eh? Well I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trying not to think ahaha! And it has cleared up a few things for me. I have spent so much time getting caught up in what I want to be or how I should be. You know that feeling? The feeling of putting that pressure on yourself to

“eat less carbs”, “be more polite” “be a positive person” “get a degree so you can get a job” “keep your head down and accept it” “dye your hair so you can look younger” “keep your thoughts to yourself so you seem happy”

BLAH. Blahblahblah. When you read those don’t they just seem so … forced?

So don’t force it. Be who you are. Just Be.Who.You.Are. Release the judgements, honestly. Just live. And be. Acknowledge and notice what you like, who you like, how you are and what you are doing. And let them BE.

For the past 9 days I have been participating in this 30 Day Love Yourself Challenge – I don’t know what it’s actually called ahah but that is what I’m calling it. Basically you keep a stack of post its next to your bed and every morning when you wake up – you write something nice about yourself- something that you like about yourself or something about who you are that makes you proud.

DO THIS. And trust what you write. That is who you are. Put them in places where you can see them. Read them and believe them for goodness sake. Because THAT IS WHO YOU ARE. Be brave. Have the nerve.

So just be who you are because that person is probably pretty great.

That person is probably a really good cook, or a really great friend, a talented dancer or singer, a creative person, a loyal companion, a great conversationalist, a very intelligent person, a great writer, an amazing athlete, a beautiful soul… A real live person who can only be who you are.

Trust.

Talk soon,

B-