Why I write (part 1 of many perhaps…)

I don’t normally do this… actually I’ve never done this. But what I wrote this morning in my journal is something I would like to share for the first time. (Ever. ever ever. Dun dun dun.)

Stopped writing or a few days and a storm started brewing inside. My meditation this morning was about trusting my core self. And Doreen’s cards were about listening to your intuition and intuitive guidance. Why does that feel so hard? It really feels like I’m torturing myself. This world has so many possibilities so it makes me feel like I really can do anything.

And I think my ego has guided me in the past to do whatever it takes to follow through with what I said. Probably because that is attached to how people will view me. And – I was going to write –> “But what about how I view myself?” BUT … What I really just need is –> What bout who I am? How I am? I am. That is enough.

I have read that. Writing allows me to be because it focuses the ego and the mind.

Why is it so hard to make choices? I feel disconnected from what I already know about myself so then when faced with a million options I consider them all. And it seems like my ego weighs them up. But then there’s the spirit soul just being underneath that, with all the answers. She wades in a pool of knowing as the rays of intuition shine down on her to keep her glowing. She’ll never leave because where she is, the universe supports her eternal life. And she drinks from the pool when famished. So she knows.

That is inside of me. Just underneath the ego. Closer to my heart. I read somewhere … The book is called The Journey of Self Discovery– its my newest adventure – This line –> “Study yourself.”

We are all a microcosm of this place. If we know ourselves and we study what’s already here, we can affect change by being our best selves. What is the point of putting on another costume, thinking we are making a difference, when really there is just another layer added to the ego that lengthens the journey to our spirit?

I don’t like to make these statements but I feel this one is coming from a deep place – Intention is everything. If I study myself I can act with clear intentions and make my biggest effect. And hopefully it allows me to have an easier time making choices, too.

Talk soon,

 

B-

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Dancing in the rain

I danced in the rain today. Literally. But there’s something about that phrase – isn’t there a quote that goes something like … learn to dance in the rain? Something like that.

Anyway – it’s such a funny process to go through – surrendering. I experienced it today in such a physical way that it gave me so much hope for surrendering to all other aspects of this life. I’d like to share the story with you. (I’m currently sitting in my cousin’s bed procrastinating on a funding application… so that’s me right now and it’s obviously the best time to tell this story)

I was asked by my aunt to dance in the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Galway – with her daughters’ GAA club. So I said yes. I had to do a dance with a Gaelic football. Piece of cake… lol. It was a lot of fun actually. Once I gave up on every thought or desire I had about how the day would go. To be honest I didn’t really have very many but I can name a million experiences like this where I did. Anyway!

We got out of the car and I managed to fit this GAA jersey over my winter coat (thanks be to the forces that be). We made our way over to our spot in the parade looking like a bunch of hunchbacked Michelin men (you know the puffy white man who sells tires?!). We were a great looking bunch anyway.

It starts raining nearly immediately as we start walking towards our spot. It’s not too bad yet but I had a feeling it was going to be that kind of day. The forecast was predicting 100 percent chance of rain and not the kind of raindrops that don’t make a fuss.

Get there and we are standing for about 45 minutes before it even starts. It’s lashing down. It’s freezing. Every single layer of my clothes (about 5/6 of em on top at least!) is slowly soaking. It’s like I realized that this was all completely out of my control and whether I liked it or not I was going to be dancing in the parade soaking wet. So looking back… I obviously decided to just like it!

Enjoyed myself thoroughly and got completely soaked. It didn’t have to be a bad day just because I may have had desires for the day to be a certain way and it wasn’t. You know that process that we go through sometimes? Where we set ourselves up for how we want things to go and then we torture ourselves miserably as we slowly and painfully let go of each desire one by one until either the day is over or we allow ourselves to enjoy it.

Something about the impending doom of lashing rain just allows that process to be instantaneous for me. I welcome these lashings of rain in every aspect of my life now because I am so ready to just surrender and accept every moment.

Today was a great one. And now I’m in bed lucky enough to reminisce about it. No complaints here.

Talk soon,

B-

One Hundred and Eighty.

One hundred and eighty. 180. That’s the number of degrees it takes to shut my bathroom door. My new bathroom door that is – in my new home. 2016 man… what crazy year. My parents sold the house this year so my family home now belongs to someone else. I hope they are enjoying it.

I drove past it last night to go to a friend’s Christmas party. It was weird. But that’s not the point of this post because I haven’t gotten there yet (ie mental breakdown over moving out of my family home… don’t know if I will even have one anyway). The point of this is that I love my new home. I don’t know what I had expected – I suppose I hadn’t any expectation really but I do love it. Mostly because I am home with the people who fill my heart and soul up.

I have some pretty amazing friends back in my Irish home (you know who you are) and one or two (just one really) who is extremely special. SO I am lucky. But nevertheless – there is something so magical about coming home. And especially for the holidays. I am so happy to be reunited with my family. I am also getting tired of leaving so that gives me loads to think about.

But for now I will praise this new home because

  1. It houses my family – they are the best.
  2. My bedroom is on the same floor as the bathroom (THANK YOU JESUS – no more 4 am cardio workouts to prevent myself from peeing my pants)
  3. My bed is still the same bed that I’ve always had. Love that bed.
  4. WARNING- this is materialistic – BUT – you can talk to my remote – So … “Chopped” – ::listening…:: “Chopped” – finds my favorite show. Thank you TV.
  5. It feels like a home. Even though it’s not my childhood home. It is still home.

Now has anyone ever dealt with a door that has to swing 180 degrees to close! I swear every time I go into the bathroom I only push it enough to close it half way and then it’s a struggle. The struggle is so real. But I will learn. Just like I will learn to adjust to my new home. This new time will be different. But it has already been lovely.

Talk soon,

B-

The little things… and the big things.

You know what I’ve realized lately …

Little b was really smart. It only took me feeling like things had been turned on their side (^^) to go back to my roots and realize that the things that guided me when I was young will be my greatest allies no matter how old I get. What b? … discuss… Okay!

I always used to say – nothing in life is that serious – and it’s so true. The more I accept the particulars of the given moment – the more I feel like I can actually see what’s going on. This life is happening around us whether we are present with it or not. Taking things too seriously has given me tunnel vision. I had lost the ability to feel the vast beauty of this life of mine. So recently I’ve been guided by my gut and allowing that to happen has also given birth to an evolved motto –

Life exists infinitely within and out.

Everything within us is connected to everything outside of us and that is massive. So if you are stressed about something – think about this … every single cell within you is connected to every single cell of every single other person and every single cell of every single thing that exists in this universe. And if you trust that … you will realize that accepting the particulars of any given situation will allow you to feel as big as you actually are. And that my friends … is an amazing feeling. Because then we can do what we are meant to do here, whatever that is.

So what was that thing you were stressed about?

Things can still be important and not consume you. Things can still be desired and you can still work for them without having to clutch on to them like your life depends on it. And things will come and go, but you will continue to be infinite whether you accept and notice it or not. So I don’t know… I just think that it’s time to stop forcing my hand and start accepting what’s already happening around me. Time to trust that I know how to find the balance between living my life and letting my life live.

Talk soon,

B-

 

These days

See that up there ^^? She would never admit it, but she was petrified of looking the way she was feeling at the time… like sh*t.

April 2014… I had just started dancing again after 13.5 months off. I ruptured my achilles… got operated on… and began the long long long road to recovery. Well when I heard the snap of my tendon… along with that went my confidence in myself, my identity, and almost all of my pride.

My goodness, I used to think… I don’t want to be here anymore. What am I going to do if I can’t dance? Who am I without dancing? For months I fought with myself through sleepless nights, pointless days (they felt pointless anyway) and conversations with myself just continuously asking myself… what is the point?

It was a very low time for me, but after those 13.5 months – when the opportunity arose for me to do a photoshoot on the beach with a very talented photographer (Sasha M Photography), I felt brave enough – for the first time in over a year.

That day the beach was very cold. It was extremely windy and my legs and toes were numb from being bare. Something about that numbness though… reminded me of times past and comforted me in a way … because I knew that with my hopping around on the beach that day… those times had definitely passed.

If it wasn’t for my girlfriend at the time, I don’t know if I would have been able to get through the lowest point on that journey. I am thankful everyday for her presence in my life, especially at that time.

That time, too, has passed. Life has lead us our separate ways and what I am left with now, being on my own, is the residue of years of not loving myself enough. Not being able to see the girl in that photo for who she actually is.

There is so much power in accepting yourself unconditionally. When I look at that photo, I want to hug that beautiful, powerful, inspiring woman so tight. I want to squeeze her and I want to remind her that she is so human and so real and the essence of herself is an excellent addition to what already exists in this world.

From experience, it seems that the last thing we want to do is see ourselves… you know… really see ourselves. And I’ve seen people put themselves through a serious amount of (legal) torture before they would simply accept their feelings, their situation, their abilities or simply what they see when they look in the mirror. I’m guilty. Are you?

Let’s just stop that now, okay? Just remember … it only takes two arms to give a good hug… and most of us are lucky enough to have two arms… isn’t that funny?! Hug yourself.

Speak your truth. Live your life from the inside out because what you have inside is too beautiful and too YOUnique not to share.

 

Inspired by: #worldmentalhealthday #internationaldayofthegirl #nationalcomingoutday

The timing of things.

What I want you to know is this:

1. There has never been a safer time in history to share your soul’s voice than right now. And every time you share your soul’s voice, you not only make it easier for you, you also encourage someone else to do the same.

2. If you are in a spiritual closet right now or just holding back the bigness of your message due to fear, I pray that you will find the courage to breathe through the uncomfortableness and share what is inside of you. When one woman rises, she makes the path that much brighter for She.

Thank you Rebecca Campbell.

I recently did a photoshoot in the rain. I recently got out of a 3.5 year-long relationship. I recently completed my Masters in Dance Performance. I recently learned how to play the piano.

I finally moved the keyboard into my room so I could practice. I finally accepted the truth about how I felt about being single. I finally started choreographing again. I finally started putting myself out there more.

I am now learning to play an 18-page long piano piece. I am teaching, sharing what I have learned with people of all ages. I am spending more time with myself and with my friends. I am getting excited about my creative projects and aspirations. I am writing a song!

After being in bed for the past two days, hibernating, I am accepting my times of low energy because I know now that I recently, finally, and am doing my best at any given time.

We have to accept the timing of things in life, don’t we?

With good intentions

Well they say you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You might look at it longingly, fully intending to not eat too much of it, but eat too much of it anyway and maybeeeee get a belly ache.

This happened to me recently. And the belly ache was SO big it nearly cost me something really important to me that I had worked really hard for.

It took me a good few days to even come down from how upset I was about it and then on top of that I had to somehow learn to move forward and forgive myself for my mistake. I think forgiving myself is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to do in this life. Never mind doing it with compassion. So you know how I did it? It happened naturally – I was reminded of something my Aunt told me once when I was younger – about life in general really. She said to me:

If you ever have doubts, remember why you started…

So I started analyzing it, as I do, but instead I shifted my perspective a bit – and I thought – okay why did I do that originally? Where was I coming from?

Sometimes we need to take a minute to see our own perspective ya know? And be sympathetic to it for goodness sakes! I know it doesn’t change what happened, but for me, the ability to understand and be reminded of where I was coming from healed the wound. I was able to stop punishing myself and start forgiving myself. Not everything has to be so SERIOUS and so GRAVE. Sometimes things can be seen through a more playful lens … taking things and holding them lightly.

I was coming from a good place, with a pure heart and good intentions. That realization felt like a big hug. I needed it, for real.

It’s not easy to forgive ourselves. Never mind doing it with compassion. Just remember why you started and it might help you to see a perspective that reminds you of the goodness in your heart. If you always do things with good intentions, you will forgive and be forgiven.

Thoughts for a Monday anyway.

Talk soon

B-

I allow myself to trust in life

I have a morning routine. Do you?

I don’t know if I’ve always had one… I suppose I have but this one that I’ve been into lately is a purposeful morning routine. Every morning when I open my eyes I stick on some sort of guided meditation. I love it. I take 10-20 minutes in the morning to just allow myself to be and to listen to what is being said, repeat a mantra, ponder a centering thought. Whatever it is I just go with it and then at the end of it I feel ready to get out of my bed and continue to live the day.

This morning’s meditation was one lead by my Spiritual Mentor, talking me through raising my frequency in life. I’ve listened to this one a few times in the past week actually because I really enjoy where it takes me and I particularly enjoy how I feel afterwards throughout my day. Today a couple of lines stuck out to me and I’ve been thinking about them since.

I allow myself to let go and trust in life. I allow myself to let go and trust in myself.

These lines radiated through me today. And for whatever reason, stuck with me enough to remember them. At the time when I heard them I felt an instant sense of huge relief. It was like I was actually allowing myself to let go of everything before and after this moment and just be present. It was so relaxing to feel that and to be okay with where I am at. This feeling usually carries with me throughout the day but today the moment was only fleeting.

I finished my last week of classes for the MA this week. That is huge. I can’t believe I will no longer be attending regular classes in the studios at UL. I was immediately flooded with emotions and still find myself trying to comprehend the shift that is about to take place in my life. Cue the serious sense of overwhelm…

SO this is where I find myself wishing I could go back to that moment this morning where I felt completely relieved in the fact that I was allowing myself to let go and trust myself and trust life.

Naturally since I have been bothered by this all morning/afternoon, I haven’t been able to start my work (which is piling up… #overwhelm). And naaattturallly… I had a thought about this. So I had to write. Writing is the only thing that feels right 24/7 to me. Regardless of what is going on in my life or where I am/what I am doing… I can always write and I will always make time to write. It feels good for my soul.

Here is the thought:

Allowing is harder than doing. But allowing is what leads to trusting life and ourselves.

Allowing is like… conscious non-doing. We need more of this. If you think about it… when you allow something to happen there is a bit of a sense of fear/risk, unknowing, chancing, also excitement and a bit of relief. To say the least lol. It’s like letting go of the control of trying to do the thing. So why don’t we all stop trying to do the thing and allow things to happen. So I am consciously choosing to allow myself to trust in life. I am sitting here writing because I am aware that how I feel when I am doing this is much better than how I feel doing anything else. Therefore… I am allowing myself to trust that this is what feels right.

Choose to allow.

Choose to allow yourself to trust.

Choose to allow yourself to trust yourself.

Choose to allow yourself to trust yourself and to trust life.

I’m afraid that it might actually be that simple. Annoyingggggg. But it actually might be! Avoid disappointment and allow.

I know life gets in the way and it feels like we have all these things we have to do and need to do and want to do etc etc but whenever we can, let’s choose to allow life to take us to where we probably need to be in that moment.

Try it and let me know how it goes! I’ve decided to do it today when I can. When I’m willing to take the risk and allow. Oh also if you want to try some guided meditations here are a few!

Happy Saturday

Talk soon-

B-

PS. Photo credit goes to the lovely Karen Goltz, a fellow UL colleague and very talented photographer

Where we come from…

First of all it’s absolutely GORGEOUS out today in Limerick. My soul has been waiting for a day like this. I can just feel the energy in the air when I breathe and it’s the kind that recharges me.

If you have a chance today, take a few deep breaths outside. And breathe in the full, vibrant frequencies of your piece of the universe. Appreciate the Earth around you. It is Earth day after all :).

Anyway that’s besides the point. The air instantly reminded me of Boston, where I went to college. I happen to be rocking my tour guide jacket from Northeastern as well today. Coincidence ? I think not. I immediately felt grateful. A bit nostalgic but mostly grateful to my past self and my past experiences with past support networks, people and resources, who and which have aided my journey thus far.

They say you shouldn’t live in the past and I agree with them. Whoever they are. But this is my thought… When you are reminded of the past, you must acknowledge it. In my case, Boston and my days at Northeastern came back to visit me this morning and I am appreciative and grateful. So that’s a beautiful thing.

Where you’ve come from and what you’ve been through is all a part of who you are becoming. Acknowledging these experiences and what they’ve given you or put you through (if you see it that way) is what helps a person be constantly in touch with their most authentic self. Your most present and aware self is your most authentic and beautiful self. If you are pushing things away and avoiding things … How can you ever be fully here ?

So acknowledge your past. When it crops up every now and again, let it be there with you and breathe into it. Things come back to remind us of who we are and where we’ve come from. When we might need a bit of a boost or a helping hand to continue on the journey, these things can help to allow us to expand.

We are who we are because of where we have been. Acknowledge what comes up for you from days past because if not… who knows how they might affect your future days? Acknowledging past pains, pleasures and passings in the present allows you to learn to let them be and be free then to make choices now that will brighten your future.

You deserve it. Whatever it is. You deserve it all and more.Holding on to the past, reliving it and living through it will hurt you. Please don’t let yourself be hurting. This post is inspired by any and all of the people out there who have been troubled by experiences of their past. And a couple in particular who have fought and are continuing to fight the struggle of acknowledgement.

You can do it =)

Thoughts for a Friday anyway. Happy Earth day everyone!

Talk soon,

B-

Stories from my grandfather

What can we gain from those who have lived a length of their life before us? I’m just sitting on the train now on the way back from Galway after visiting my Grandfather for the weekend and I am wrecked. I have been bombarded with information over this weekend without even realizing it! How lucky am I though?

We spoke about every topic under the sun and he shared many thoughts with me, some of which surprised me. He informed me about his youth and the lives of his family who came before him. He gave me a history lesson. A personal history lesson just for me, to add to my sense of personal identity. In my life, times like these are rare. It’s not very often I get to spend a full day with my grandfather, talking with him and listening to him and allowing him the platform to share what has been experienced, lived and thought for nearly 70 years.

So as I sit here I’m thinking about a promise I made him – to record the thoughts, stories and experiences of those who lived before me while I’m lucky enough to still have them around. I need to get a tape recorder. I promised.

But for now the best I can do is share some thoughts. Because I feel enlightened after hearing them and reflecting on them and also because the man wants to leave one clean grain of sand in this world. So let’s see if I can help him.

  • When you hit a slump. Go back to your basics.
  • What matters is not that you fell down, but how you get back up.
  • Hustle when you have to, but realize when you don’t have to.
  • There is something to be gained from every experience you have. Pay attention.
  • If you need to or say you’re going to do something, do it right then and there.
  • My personal favorite for when we are all retired like him: As soon as you see the sun, leave the house!
  • Know who you’re dealing with and deal in their language. (ie. sometimes you have to get crazy when you deal with crazy… ya know? You’d love to hear the stories about that. HAH.)
  • There are certain relationships in this world that are special by nature, if you are lucky enough to have one, recognize it and cherish it.

He doesn’t realize it because he thinks he’s boring me. But I appreciate his company and hearing him share pieces of himself just as much as he does. It’s also lovely to have a bit of home with me over the next few weeks. Even if I don’t see him I know he’s there. It’s a great reminder to us if we ever feel lonely in this world.

Just like the stars. You don’t have to see them to know they are there. Thanks for a great weekend gramps ❤

Talk soon

B-