Why I write (part 1 of many perhaps…)

I don’t normally do this… actually I’ve never done this. But what I wrote this morning in my journal is something I would like to share for the first time. (Ever. ever ever. Dun dun dun.)

Stopped writing or a few days and a storm started brewing inside. My meditation this morning was about trusting my core self. And Doreen’s cards were about listening to your intuition and intuitive guidance. Why does that feel so hard? It really feels like I’m torturing myself. This world has so many possibilities so it makes me feel like I really can do anything.

And I think my ego has guided me in the past to do whatever it takes to follow through with what I said. Probably because that is attached to how people will view me. And – I was going to write –> “But what about how I view myself?” BUT … What I really just need is –> What bout who I am? How I am? I am. That is enough.

I have read that. Writing allows me to be because it focuses the ego and the mind.

Why is it so hard to make choices? I feel disconnected from what I already know about myself so then when faced with a million options I consider them all. And it seems like my ego weighs them up. But then there’s the spirit soul just being underneath that, with all the answers. She wades in a pool of knowing as the rays of intuition shine down on her to keep her glowing. She’ll never leave because where she is, the universe supports her eternal life. And she drinks from the pool when famished. So she knows.

That is inside of me. Just underneath the ego. Closer to my heart. I read somewhere … The book is called The Journey of Self Discovery– its my newest adventure – This line –> “Study yourself.”

We are all a microcosm of this place. If we know ourselves and we study what’s already here, we can affect change by being our best selves. What is the point of putting on another costume, thinking we are making a difference, when really there is just another layer added to the ego that lengthens the journey to our spirit?

I don’t like to make these statements but I feel this one is coming from a deep place – Intention is everything. If I study myself I can act with clear intentions and make my biggest effect. And hopefully it allows me to have an easier time making choices, too.

Talk soon,

 

B-

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The little things… and the big things.

You know what I’ve realized lately …

Little b was really smart. It only took me feeling like things had been turned on their side (^^) to go back to my roots and realize that the things that guided me when I was young will be my greatest allies no matter how old I get. What b? … discuss… Okay!

I always used to say – nothing in life is that serious – and it’s so true. The more I accept the particulars of the given moment – the more I feel like I can actually see what’s going on. This life is happening around us whether we are present with it or not. Taking things too seriously has given me tunnel vision. I had lost the ability to feel the vast beauty of this life of mine. So recently I’ve been guided by my gut and allowing that to happen has also given birth to an evolved motto –

Life exists infinitely within and out.

Everything within us is connected to everything outside of us and that is massive. So if you are stressed about something – think about this … every single cell within you is connected to every single cell of every single other person and every single cell of every single thing that exists in this universe. And if you trust that … you will realize that accepting the particulars of any given situation will allow you to feel as big as you actually are. And that my friends … is an amazing feeling. Because then we can do what we are meant to do here, whatever that is.

So what was that thing you were stressed about?

Things can still be important and not consume you. Things can still be desired and you can still work for them without having to clutch on to them like your life depends on it. And things will come and go, but you will continue to be infinite whether you accept and notice it or not. So I don’t know… I just think that it’s time to stop forcing my hand and start accepting what’s already happening around me. Time to trust that I know how to find the balance between living my life and letting my life live.

Talk soon,

B-

 

These days

See that up there ^^? She would never admit it, but she was petrified of looking the way she was feeling at the time… like sh*t.

April 2014… I had just started dancing again after 13.5 months off. I ruptured my achilles… got operated on… and began the long long long road to recovery. Well when I heard the snap of my tendon… along with that went my confidence in myself, my identity, and almost all of my pride.

My goodness, I used to think… I don’t want to be here anymore. What am I going to do if I can’t dance? Who am I without dancing? For months I fought with myself through sleepless nights, pointless days (they felt pointless anyway) and conversations with myself just continuously asking myself… what is the point?

It was a very low time for me, but after those 13.5 months – when the opportunity arose for me to do a photoshoot on the beach with a very talented photographer (Sasha M Photography), I felt brave enough – for the first time in over a year.

That day the beach was very cold. It was extremely windy and my legs and toes were numb from being bare. Something about that numbness though… reminded me of times past and comforted me in a way … because I knew that with my hopping around on the beach that day… those times had definitely passed.

If it wasn’t for my girlfriend at the time, I don’t know if I would have been able to get through the lowest point on that journey. I am thankful everyday for her presence in my life, especially at that time.

That time, too, has passed. Life has lead us our separate ways and what I am left with now, being on my own, is the residue of years of not loving myself enough. Not being able to see the girl in that photo for who she actually is.

There is so much power in accepting yourself unconditionally. When I look at that photo, I want to hug that beautiful, powerful, inspiring woman so tight. I want to squeeze her and I want to remind her that she is so human and so real and the essence of herself is an excellent addition to what already exists in this world.

From experience, it seems that the last thing we want to do is see ourselves… you know… really see ourselves. And I’ve seen people put themselves through a serious amount of (legal) torture before they would simply accept their feelings, their situation, their abilities or simply what they see when they look in the mirror. I’m guilty. Are you?

Let’s just stop that now, okay? Just remember … it only takes two arms to give a good hug… and most of us are lucky enough to have two arms… isn’t that funny?! Hug yourself.

Speak your truth. Live your life from the inside out because what you have inside is too beautiful and too YOUnique not to share.

 

Inspired by: #worldmentalhealthday #internationaldayofthegirl #nationalcomingoutday

I envy people who can express themselves from the inside out. Dancers who make you feel something. Painters who make you feel something. Singers who tug at your heart strings. Writers who can draw you in to a world that takes you somewhere.

I had a thought a few years ago – ‘my mind is going to kill me’. I know that writing can save me but sometimes it feels ironic that thinking and writing is what saves me from thinking. I wish that something else could save me. I wish that I could save you with something else.

What am I so afraid of?

Having nothing to say,

and everything at the same time

What does it mean to say?

Say. What can be said. Without.

Without what?

Saying it, really.

Who do you say it to?

Or for… really.

What does it mean to be?

When we learn to be

Isn’t that saying it all, really…

How do I say it? I don’t know. How do you navigate this life? Just some thoughts on a low day.

Talk soon

B-

Take care of yourself

See that woman in that photo? My little mom. She has (and still does) cared for me in ways that I can’t even comprehend. But I can feel them and I know who I am today in large part because of her.

I received an open letter recently. In it I read the words – take care of yourself. Ugh. Hmph. Bleugh. Blah. Wah.

Well do you ever just feel like… what’s the point? Why am I doing all of this? Am I torturing myself? Should I really have to try this hard? If I’m trying is it working? If I don’t try what happens? Can I trust?

How do I know if I can trust? What does all of this even mean? What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Will I ever feel better? When will the pain go away? Why does it hurt so much sometimes? What do we do with the thoughts that linger?

Why don’t I want to talk to anyone? Why is it that I can’t accept when people do nice things for me? What do I do with that? Why am I punishing myself? Why can’t I just listen and take it all in? Why do I have to learn the hard way?

Why does it hurt so much? Why does it actually physically hurt to feel emotional pain? What does it feel like to know the other side of this hurt?

Yesterday I had gone about an hour without crying at the most. But when it hits me as hard as it does, I’m still here. So I have survived. I once said to a friend- the worst that happens is that we survive and the best that happens is we thrive.

I JUST WANT TO GIVE IN. So today I said no. No more. I am done. I have tried and things have blown up in my face.

You wanna know how I’m going to do it? The Power of Now. I want to share an experience I had this afternoon:

I bought the book, The Power of Now, last week and today I started reading it. I was tired, so so tired. Even though for the past few nights I have been sleeping through the night which is brilliant. (Huge improvement for me really.) So I started to read it and there are moments in the book where he puts up a symbol that means pause. So I decided to just read it and do exactly what it says. I read, I trusted, I paused. I was so comfortable in my princess bed, with my gorgeous flowers across from me. During those pauses – I simply just lied there and looked at them. They made me so happy. I smiled. I rested and I had zero thoughts really.

Then I had this feeling and it overcame me. My body was so warm and just filled with love. My pulse was so strong that I could see it beating and moving the blanket and the phone on top of me. I just had to take it all in. It felt like learning to love myself for just a few moments, like being my own companion ya know? I did this for about a half an hour until I fell asleep, to the sound of the meditation song called Beating Heart. I woke up about 2 hours later and I haven’t really had a thought since. Until I decided to share. I am writing to get the words out so that I can go back to the space between them.

I will be sure to keep you updated on my experience with this beautiful book. I think it will help me to take care of myself. Just like the way little mom always takes care of little b.

Talk soon

B-

Sometimes I can feel you…

I want to comment on the transformative power of relationships and human experiences. This feels important. I have regular calls with my spiritual mentor. She records them for me and then I am able to listen to them over and over again whenever I want. I have been listening to the most recent one very often lately (nearly everyday, sometimes multiple times a day) and yesterday I picked up on something. We discussed experiences and how what we go through on one level… is still existent on another level. Here is my thought – rephrased in a sense from this call:

The essence of experience at the soul level is never lost.

That, to me, was a thought worthy of acknowledgement. Lately I’ve been practicing being present more in the space between two thoughts; thanks to a good friend, who suggested a short video to me which introduced this perspective into my life.

But this thought… is just so relevant to me at this point in my life. Some very important relationships in my life are transforming. Some would say they are lost. But I know they aren’t. Because I can feel you. I can still feel you. And I can still see you when I want to and I can still send you all of the love and energy that you are deserving of.

So if you ever feel like you can feel me, trust it. Because I can feel you too and I know now that it’s because our experience at the soul level has an essence. And that essence is something so beautiful and comforting and it keeps me company.

And if you feel like this is about you. It’s because it is. Don’t let it hurt too much. I’m trying not to. Let’s just keep being brave.

Talk soon

B-

 

The Universe Sends You Signs…

Can you read them?

Yesterday morning I woke up and decided I was going to go on a holiday alone. To Portugal. To the beach and the water- where I belong. This morning I woke up to this article about traveling in my inbox. What are the chances eh? Completely confirms my choice to book those flights last night.

So that’s it, I’ll be going away for 4 nights to Albufiera on my own! I don’t know I mean sometimes you have to just do things for your soul ya know? It felt SO important to me to do this yesterday, so it must be important.

That’s what had me thinking – here comes the thought – TRUST the feeling. If it feels that important, it’s calling you… the universe is supporting it, even egging it on, so FREAKING DO IT.

As we all know, writing is for my soul. I think traveling is too. I can’t wait to be in a new place and see how it affects my perspective on life. I need it. I need to be connected with my essences (the water and sand) and myself.

You know that feeling when you just need something like you need to breathe? I’ve had that a few times in my life, but today I’m proud to say that I am going with it because it’s good for my SOULLLLLL. Not my career, not my academic pursuits, not my family or friends… me and my soul. And I have every faith that in turn it will be good for all of those other things.

Take time to feed your soul, B. That’s what the Universe has taught me in the past few days.

I am forever grateful for that.

Talk soon-

B-

 

With good intentions

Well they say you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You might look at it longingly, fully intending to not eat too much of it, but eat too much of it anyway and maybeeeee get a belly ache.

This happened to me recently. And the belly ache was SO big it nearly cost me something really important to me that I had worked really hard for.

It took me a good few days to even come down from how upset I was about it and then on top of that I had to somehow learn to move forward and forgive myself for my mistake. I think forgiving myself is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to do in this life. Never mind doing it with compassion. So you know how I did it? It happened naturally – I was reminded of something my Aunt told me once when I was younger – about life in general really. She said to me:

If you ever have doubts, remember why you started…

So I started analyzing it, as I do, but instead I shifted my perspective a bit – and I thought – okay why did I do that originally? Where was I coming from?

Sometimes we need to take a minute to see our own perspective ya know? And be sympathetic to it for goodness sakes! I know it doesn’t change what happened, but for me, the ability to understand and be reminded of where I was coming from healed the wound. I was able to stop punishing myself and start forgiving myself. Not everything has to be so SERIOUS and so GRAVE. Sometimes things can be seen through a more playful lens … taking things and holding them lightly.

I was coming from a good place, with a pure heart and good intentions. That realization felt like a big hug. I needed it, for real.

It’s not easy to forgive ourselves. Never mind doing it with compassion. Just remember why you started and it might help you to see a perspective that reminds you of the goodness in your heart. If you always do things with good intentions, you will forgive and be forgiven.

Thoughts for a Monday anyway.

Talk soon

B-

How did I get here?

Wowwwww. That saying… when it rains it pours. Right? Well how about the sequel… when it’s already pouring why don’t you just go on and pour a bucket of water over your head…. you’re already soaked right?

Yep. So I saw the colors of my frequency the other day and they are absolutely gorgeous, in my opinion of course. Bronze and Magenta, very glittery and rich grains of energy. And all mine. Since then, I have been having this feeling like the whispers in my head are ready for me to act on them. I know this might all sound crazy, but when you are empathic, it makes a person hypersensitive to the flow of energy around them.

So anyway, needless to say I am here now, after having made a few huge decisions and now attempting to live through the consequences. Rock bottom is an understatement of how I feel and where I am at. But it’s strangely comforting down here. Have you ever had that feeling?

You see in this experience I had a few thoughts. I’m not sure how the best way is to share them because I know that As much as I am capable of thinking, my processing power is way slower than my thinking power. So its like… one thought at a time B, right?

Alright so anyway my first question is … how did I get here? How did I get so low that I literally can’t do anything else but see that there has to be a way up from here.

The funny thing is that I made choices to get me to feeling this way. Why would anyone do such a thing? Well here’s the follow up… the thought…

Do what you know is right.

The consequences are just a shift in the trajectory of your path based on the decision you made. If you know it’s right then let the sh*t times roll on if you have to. And you will know what is right and when it is right. That’s what my mentor tells me anyway so I’m working on that.

This is life and life is real and sometimes life feels bad. But life doesn’t happen unless you make it happen. Choose things that allow you to have more life. When things happen to you, those happenings are consequences. No matter how good or bad they are, do your best to make sure that you can sit with them knowing you made the right choice for yourself at the end of the day.

It’s not easy for me to deal with myself and the life I am living and creating, never mind love and comfort myself when the consequences take a turn for the worse.  So sometimes I just have to sit with it and feel bad. I realized this week when I did that, that the only way is up now.

That realization both scares me and gives me comfort. So that’s better than nothing because I know it’s real.

Talk soon

B-

I allow myself to trust in life

I have a morning routine. Do you?

I don’t know if I’ve always had one… I suppose I have but this one that I’ve been into lately is a purposeful morning routine. Every morning when I open my eyes I stick on some sort of guided meditation. I love it. I take 10-20 minutes in the morning to just allow myself to be and to listen to what is being said, repeat a mantra, ponder a centering thought. Whatever it is I just go with it and then at the end of it I feel ready to get out of my bed and continue to live the day.

This morning’s meditation was one lead by my Spiritual Mentor, talking me through raising my frequency in life. I’ve listened to this one a few times in the past week actually because I really enjoy where it takes me and I particularly enjoy how I feel afterwards throughout my day. Today a couple of lines stuck out to me and I’ve been thinking about them since.

I allow myself to let go and trust in life. I allow myself to let go and trust in myself.

These lines radiated through me today. And for whatever reason, stuck with me enough to remember them. At the time when I heard them I felt an instant sense of huge relief. It was like I was actually allowing myself to let go of everything before and after this moment and just be present. It was so relaxing to feel that and to be okay with where I am at. This feeling usually carries with me throughout the day but today the moment was only fleeting.

I finished my last week of classes for the MA this week. That is huge. I can’t believe I will no longer be attending regular classes in the studios at UL. I was immediately flooded with emotions and still find myself trying to comprehend the shift that is about to take place in my life. Cue the serious sense of overwhelm…

SO this is where I find myself wishing I could go back to that moment this morning where I felt completely relieved in the fact that I was allowing myself to let go and trust myself and trust life.

Naturally since I have been bothered by this all morning/afternoon, I haven’t been able to start my work (which is piling up… #overwhelm). And naaattturallly… I had a thought about this. So I had to write. Writing is the only thing that feels right 24/7 to me. Regardless of what is going on in my life or where I am/what I am doing… I can always write and I will always make time to write. It feels good for my soul.

Here is the thought:

Allowing is harder than doing. But allowing is what leads to trusting life and ourselves.

Allowing is like… conscious non-doing. We need more of this. If you think about it… when you allow something to happen there is a bit of a sense of fear/risk, unknowing, chancing, also excitement and a bit of relief. To say the least lol. It’s like letting go of the control of trying to do the thing. So why don’t we all stop trying to do the thing and allow things to happen. So I am consciously choosing to allow myself to trust in life. I am sitting here writing because I am aware that how I feel when I am doing this is much better than how I feel doing anything else. Therefore… I am allowing myself to trust that this is what feels right.

Choose to allow.

Choose to allow yourself to trust.

Choose to allow yourself to trust yourself.

Choose to allow yourself to trust yourself and to trust life.

I’m afraid that it might actually be that simple. Annoyingggggg. But it actually might be! Avoid disappointment and allow.

I know life gets in the way and it feels like we have all these things we have to do and need to do and want to do etc etc but whenever we can, let’s choose to allow life to take us to where we probably need to be in that moment.

Try it and let me know how it goes! I’ve decided to do it today when I can. When I’m willing to take the risk and allow. Oh also if you want to try some guided meditations here are a few!

Happy Saturday

Talk soon-

B-

PS. Photo credit goes to the lovely Karen Goltz, a fellow UL colleague and very talented photographer