Why I write (part 1 of many perhaps…)

I don’t normally do this… actually I’ve never done this. But what I wrote this morning in my journal is something I would like to share for the first time. (Ever. ever ever. Dun dun dun.)

Stopped writing or a few days and a storm started brewing inside. My meditation this morning was about trusting my core self. And Doreen’s cards were about listening to your intuition and intuitive guidance. Why does that feel so hard? It really feels like I’m torturing myself. This world has so many possibilities so it makes me feel like I really can do anything.

And I think my ego has guided me in the past to do whatever it takes to follow through with what I said. Probably because that is attached to how people will view me. And – I was going to write –> “But what about how I view myself?” BUT … What I really just need is –> What bout who I am? How I am? I am. That is enough.

I have read that. Writing allows me to be because it focuses the ego and the mind.

Why is it so hard to make choices? I feel disconnected from what I already know about myself so then when faced with a million options I consider them all. And it seems like my ego weighs them up. But then there’s the spirit soul just being underneath that, with all the answers. She wades in a pool of knowing as the rays of intuition shine down on her to keep her glowing. She’ll never leave because where she is, the universe supports her eternal life. And she drinks from the pool when famished. So she knows.

That is inside of me. Just underneath the ego. Closer to my heart. I read somewhere … The book is called The Journey of Self Discovery– its my newest adventure – This line –> “Study yourself.”

We are all a microcosm of this place. If we know ourselves and we study what’s already here, we can affect change by being our best selves. What is the point of putting on another costume, thinking we are making a difference, when really there is just another layer added to the ego that lengthens the journey to our spirit?

I don’t like to make these statements but I feel this one is coming from a deep place – Intention is everything. If I study myself I can act with clear intentions and make my biggest effect. And hopefully it allows me to have an easier time making choices, too.

Talk soon,

 

B-

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Make art even if no one is watching.

Make art especially if no one is watching. How about that?

I recently heard someone say – we learn best through stories.

Why is it that we hold ourselves back until we find something that makes us feel validated?

Do things for the sake of doing them.

I recently experienced a deep-seated sadness and fear, I didn’t know myself.

Why is it that I feel like I have to know myself… why cant I just be myself?

Be here because that is enough. No one else can be you, here.

I recently thought a recurring thought… my mind is going to kill me.

Why is it that I feel the need to think everything… why can’t I just experience it?

We are more than our minds.

Body.

Soul.

Spirit.

I recently realized that my work life and personal life are becoming more connected.

Why is it that I felt like I had to keep things compartmentalized?

Life is not meant to be lived in a box. The soul is abstract.

I recently cried so hard that I felt like my body would explode.

Why is it that it scares me to cry that much?

If my body explodes – it allows me space for my soul to be freed.

Free your soul. Free your soul. Free your soul. 

 

That might be a welcomed change. I would be lying if I said this writing is not inspired. I have been recently very deeply moved by the actions of people around me and the settling of the dust in my life. To those who fear that their mind may be getting the best of them, those who push their bodies to their limits because they fear they’d be nothing without them, for what it’s worth – I believe that your soul is infinite just like all of ours and that no matter what physicality or mentality tries to keep us down, we are meant to be freed. Free your soul. Dive into yourself. And if you want a friend, you can find one in me.

Talk soon,

 

B-

The little things… and the big things.

You know what I’ve realized lately …

Little b was really smart. It only took me feeling like things had been turned on their side (^^) to go back to my roots and realize that the things that guided me when I was young will be my greatest allies no matter how old I get. What b? … discuss… Okay!

I always used to say – nothing in life is that serious – and it’s so true. The more I accept the particulars of the given moment – the more I feel like I can actually see what’s going on. This life is happening around us whether we are present with it or not. Taking things too seriously has given me tunnel vision. I had lost the ability to feel the vast beauty of this life of mine. So recently I’ve been guided by my gut and allowing that to happen has also given birth to an evolved motto –

Life exists infinitely within and out.

Everything within us is connected to everything outside of us and that is massive. So if you are stressed about something – think about this … every single cell within you is connected to every single cell of every single other person and every single cell of every single thing that exists in this universe. And if you trust that … you will realize that accepting the particulars of any given situation will allow you to feel as big as you actually are. And that my friends … is an amazing feeling. Because then we can do what we are meant to do here, whatever that is.

So what was that thing you were stressed about?

Things can still be important and not consume you. Things can still be desired and you can still work for them without having to clutch on to them like your life depends on it. And things will come and go, but you will continue to be infinite whether you accept and notice it or not. So I don’t know… I just think that it’s time to stop forcing my hand and start accepting what’s already happening around me. Time to trust that I know how to find the balance between living my life and letting my life live.

Talk soon,

B-

 

I envy people who can express themselves from the inside out. Dancers who make you feel something. Painters who make you feel something. Singers who tug at your heart strings. Writers who can draw you in to a world that takes you somewhere.

I had a thought a few years ago – ‘my mind is going to kill me’. I know that writing can save me but sometimes it feels ironic that thinking and writing is what saves me from thinking. I wish that something else could save me. I wish that I could save you with something else.

What am I so afraid of?

Having nothing to say,

and everything at the same time

What does it mean to say?

Say. What can be said. Without.

Without what?

Saying it, really.

Who do you say it to?

Or for… really.

What does it mean to be?

When we learn to be

Isn’t that saying it all, really…

How do I say it? I don’t know. How do you navigate this life? Just some thoughts on a low day.

Talk soon

B-

Take care of yourself

See that woman in that photo? My little mom. She has (and still does) cared for me in ways that I can’t even comprehend. But I can feel them and I know who I am today in large part because of her.

I received an open letter recently. In it I read the words – take care of yourself. Ugh. Hmph. Bleugh. Blah. Wah.

Well do you ever just feel like… what’s the point? Why am I doing all of this? Am I torturing myself? Should I really have to try this hard? If I’m trying is it working? If I don’t try what happens? Can I trust?

How do I know if I can trust? What does all of this even mean? What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Will I ever feel better? When will the pain go away? Why does it hurt so much sometimes? What do we do with the thoughts that linger?

Why don’t I want to talk to anyone? Why is it that I can’t accept when people do nice things for me? What do I do with that? Why am I punishing myself? Why can’t I just listen and take it all in? Why do I have to learn the hard way?

Why does it hurt so much? Why does it actually physically hurt to feel emotional pain? What does it feel like to know the other side of this hurt?

Yesterday I had gone about an hour without crying at the most. But when it hits me as hard as it does, I’m still here. So I have survived. I once said to a friend- the worst that happens is that we survive and the best that happens is we thrive.

I JUST WANT TO GIVE IN. So today I said no. No more. I am done. I have tried and things have blown up in my face.

You wanna know how I’m going to do it? The Power of Now. I want to share an experience I had this afternoon:

I bought the book, The Power of Now, last week and today I started reading it. I was tired, so so tired. Even though for the past few nights I have been sleeping through the night which is brilliant. (Huge improvement for me really.) So I started to read it and there are moments in the book where he puts up a symbol that means pause. So I decided to just read it and do exactly what it says. I read, I trusted, I paused. I was so comfortable in my princess bed, with my gorgeous flowers across from me. During those pauses – I simply just lied there and looked at them. They made me so happy. I smiled. I rested and I had zero thoughts really.

Then I had this feeling and it overcame me. My body was so warm and just filled with love. My pulse was so strong that I could see it beating and moving the blanket and the phone on top of me. I just had to take it all in. It felt like learning to love myself for just a few moments, like being my own companion ya know? I did this for about a half an hour until I fell asleep, to the sound of the meditation song called Beating Heart. I woke up about 2 hours later and I haven’t really had a thought since. Until I decided to share. I am writing to get the words out so that I can go back to the space between them.

I will be sure to keep you updated on my experience with this beautiful book. I think it will help me to take care of myself. Just like the way little mom always takes care of little b.

Talk soon

B-

With good intentions

Well they say you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You might look at it longingly, fully intending to not eat too much of it, but eat too much of it anyway and maybeeeee get a belly ache.

This happened to me recently. And the belly ache was SO big it nearly cost me something really important to me that I had worked really hard for.

It took me a good few days to even come down from how upset I was about it and then on top of that I had to somehow learn to move forward and forgive myself for my mistake. I think forgiving myself is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to do in this life. Never mind doing it with compassion. So you know how I did it? It happened naturally – I was reminded of something my Aunt told me once when I was younger – about life in general really. She said to me:

If you ever have doubts, remember why you started…

So I started analyzing it, as I do, but instead I shifted my perspective a bit – and I thought – okay why did I do that originally? Where was I coming from?

Sometimes we need to take a minute to see our own perspective ya know? And be sympathetic to it for goodness sakes! I know it doesn’t change what happened, but for me, the ability to understand and be reminded of where I was coming from healed the wound. I was able to stop punishing myself and start forgiving myself. Not everything has to be so SERIOUS and so GRAVE. Sometimes things can be seen through a more playful lens … taking things and holding them lightly.

I was coming from a good place, with a pure heart and good intentions. That realization felt like a big hug. I needed it, for real.

It’s not easy to forgive ourselves. Never mind doing it with compassion. Just remember why you started and it might help you to see a perspective that reminds you of the goodness in your heart. If you always do things with good intentions, you will forgive and be forgiven.

Thoughts for a Monday anyway.

Talk soon

B-

How did I get here?

Wowwwww. That saying… when it rains it pours. Right? Well how about the sequel… when it’s already pouring why don’t you just go on and pour a bucket of water over your head…. you’re already soaked right?

Yep. So I saw the colors of my frequency the other day and they are absolutely gorgeous, in my opinion of course. Bronze and Magenta, very glittery and rich grains of energy. And all mine. Since then, I have been having this feeling like the whispers in my head are ready for me to act on them. I know this might all sound crazy, but when you are empathic, it makes a person hypersensitive to the flow of energy around them.

So anyway, needless to say I am here now, after having made a few huge decisions and now attempting to live through the consequences. Rock bottom is an understatement of how I feel and where I am at. But it’s strangely comforting down here. Have you ever had that feeling?

You see in this experience I had a few thoughts. I’m not sure how the best way is to share them because I know that As much as I am capable of thinking, my processing power is way slower than my thinking power. So its like… one thought at a time B, right?

Alright so anyway my first question is … how did I get here? How did I get so low that I literally can’t do anything else but see that there has to be a way up from here.

The funny thing is that I made choices to get me to feeling this way. Why would anyone do such a thing? Well here’s the follow up… the thought…

Do what you know is right.

The consequences are just a shift in the trajectory of your path based on the decision you made. If you know it’s right then let the sh*t times roll on if you have to. And you will know what is right and when it is right. That’s what my mentor tells me anyway so I’m working on that.

This is life and life is real and sometimes life feels bad. But life doesn’t happen unless you make it happen. Choose things that allow you to have more life. When things happen to you, those happenings are consequences. No matter how good or bad they are, do your best to make sure that you can sit with them knowing you made the right choice for yourself at the end of the day.

It’s not easy for me to deal with myself and the life I am living and creating, never mind love and comfort myself when the consequences take a turn for the worse.  So sometimes I just have to sit with it and feel bad. I realized this week when I did that, that the only way is up now.

That realization both scares me and gives me comfort. So that’s better than nothing because I know it’s real.

Talk soon

B-

Spotlight on Dublin Dance Festival

 

Watch that ^. Just watch that and let yourself feast on the beauty of it. This week I have been volunteering at the Dublin Dance Festival  (DDF) and I was lucky enough to be able to sit in on the screening of Alonzo King’s Constellation. Mr. King himself gave a post-show talk as well and what he gave me was perspective.

I am always looking for ways to broaden my perspective and expand my mind. I got absolutely sucked into this work for an hour and a half. I allowed it to soothe my soul, to trigger my senses and to allow my thoughts to wander freely for the first time in a good while.

The dance brought my mind to a meditative place. A place where thoughts could pass while my body and soul were engaged in the passion, beauty and purity of what my eyes were seeing.

The relationship between the music and the movement is what allowed those thoughts to pass – there was a complexity in what I was seeing that connected deeply with me. Mr. King touched upon this in his post-show talk, mentioning that the world we live in is all music and our bodies get lost in music and sound from the minute we are born. What we do as we go through life is learn to shut it out and what he has done here is brought it back to life and to see how life is music. His company looks like the way the world looks, which is something he is very proud of and it shows through his work and his speech.

The most striking thing to me was their absolutely undeniable accuracy and clarity in expressing their movements. It is truly inspiring in a world where we are constantly trying to figure out how to express ourselves, who we are and what is the best way to share that. To see artists who have reached the near pinnacle of accuracy in expressing themselves and their dance, is a privilege.

What my life has revealed to me lately is compounded tenfold in reflecting on this performance: perspective and intention can reveal a lot about ourselves, to both ourselves and to others.

More on this in time. And if you are interested in more about DDF  feel free to check out the program and buy tickets!

Talk soon,

B-

Photo credit: Dublin Dance Festival Website

I allow myself to trust in life

I have a morning routine. Do you?

I don’t know if I’ve always had one… I suppose I have but this one that I’ve been into lately is a purposeful morning routine. Every morning when I open my eyes I stick on some sort of guided meditation. I love it. I take 10-20 minutes in the morning to just allow myself to be and to listen to what is being said, repeat a mantra, ponder a centering thought. Whatever it is I just go with it and then at the end of it I feel ready to get out of my bed and continue to live the day.

This morning’s meditation was one lead by my Spiritual Mentor, talking me through raising my frequency in life. I’ve listened to this one a few times in the past week actually because I really enjoy where it takes me and I particularly enjoy how I feel afterwards throughout my day. Today a couple of lines stuck out to me and I’ve been thinking about them since.

I allow myself to let go and trust in life. I allow myself to let go and trust in myself.

These lines radiated through me today. And for whatever reason, stuck with me enough to remember them. At the time when I heard them I felt an instant sense of huge relief. It was like I was actually allowing myself to let go of everything before and after this moment and just be present. It was so relaxing to feel that and to be okay with where I am at. This feeling usually carries with me throughout the day but today the moment was only fleeting.

I finished my last week of classes for the MA this week. That is huge. I can’t believe I will no longer be attending regular classes in the studios at UL. I was immediately flooded with emotions and still find myself trying to comprehend the shift that is about to take place in my life. Cue the serious sense of overwhelm…

SO this is where I find myself wishing I could go back to that moment this morning where I felt completely relieved in the fact that I was allowing myself to let go and trust myself and trust life.

Naturally since I have been bothered by this all morning/afternoon, I haven’t been able to start my work (which is piling up… #overwhelm). And naaattturallly… I had a thought about this. So I had to write. Writing is the only thing that feels right 24/7 to me. Regardless of what is going on in my life or where I am/what I am doing… I can always write and I will always make time to write. It feels good for my soul.

Here is the thought:

Allowing is harder than doing. But allowing is what leads to trusting life and ourselves.

Allowing is like… conscious non-doing. We need more of this. If you think about it… when you allow something to happen there is a bit of a sense of fear/risk, unknowing, chancing, also excitement and a bit of relief. To say the least lol. It’s like letting go of the control of trying to do the thing. So why don’t we all stop trying to do the thing and allow things to happen. So I am consciously choosing to allow myself to trust in life. I am sitting here writing because I am aware that how I feel when I am doing this is much better than how I feel doing anything else. Therefore… I am allowing myself to trust that this is what feels right.

Choose to allow.

Choose to allow yourself to trust.

Choose to allow yourself to trust yourself.

Choose to allow yourself to trust yourself and to trust life.

I’m afraid that it might actually be that simple. Annoyingggggg. But it actually might be! Avoid disappointment and allow.

I know life gets in the way and it feels like we have all these things we have to do and need to do and want to do etc etc but whenever we can, let’s choose to allow life to take us to where we probably need to be in that moment.

Try it and let me know how it goes! I’ve decided to do it today when I can. When I’m willing to take the risk and allow. Oh also if you want to try some guided meditations here are a few!

Happy Saturday

Talk soon-

B-

PS. Photo credit goes to the lovely Karen Goltz, a fellow UL colleague and very talented photographer

Where we come from…

First of all it’s absolutely GORGEOUS out today in Limerick. My soul has been waiting for a day like this. I can just feel the energy in the air when I breathe and it’s the kind that recharges me.

If you have a chance today, take a few deep breaths outside. And breathe in the full, vibrant frequencies of your piece of the universe. Appreciate the Earth around you. It is Earth day after all :).

Anyway that’s besides the point. The air instantly reminded me of Boston, where I went to college. I happen to be rocking my tour guide jacket from Northeastern as well today. Coincidence ? I think not. I immediately felt grateful. A bit nostalgic but mostly grateful to my past self and my past experiences with past support networks, people and resources, who and which have aided my journey thus far.

They say you shouldn’t live in the past and I agree with them. Whoever they are. But this is my thought… When you are reminded of the past, you must acknowledge it. In my case, Boston and my days at Northeastern came back to visit me this morning and I am appreciative and grateful. So that’s a beautiful thing.

Where you’ve come from and what you’ve been through is all a part of who you are becoming. Acknowledging these experiences and what they’ve given you or put you through (if you see it that way) is what helps a person be constantly in touch with their most authentic self. Your most present and aware self is your most authentic and beautiful self. If you are pushing things away and avoiding things … How can you ever be fully here ?

So acknowledge your past. When it crops up every now and again, let it be there with you and breathe into it. Things come back to remind us of who we are and where we’ve come from. When we might need a bit of a boost or a helping hand to continue on the journey, these things can help to allow us to expand.

We are who we are because of where we have been. Acknowledge what comes up for you from days past because if not… who knows how they might affect your future days? Acknowledging past pains, pleasures and passings in the present allows you to learn to let them be and be free then to make choices now that will brighten your future.

You deserve it. Whatever it is. You deserve it all and more.Holding on to the past, reliving it and living through it will hurt you. Please don’t let yourself be hurting. This post is inspired by any and all of the people out there who have been troubled by experiences of their past. And a couple in particular who have fought and are continuing to fight the struggle of acknowledgement.

You can do it =)

Thoughts for a Friday anyway. Happy Earth day everyone!

Talk soon,

B-