#SundayStories Oh mannnn if you’re facing your fears then why are you still scared?

My mirror is smudged.

Can I see it anymore?

Nobody sees in me what I know is in me. Nobody wants to help me make it.

Write about my work?

What is that world –> PRESENCE

Feeling, Sensation -??

Judgement- Language

So language – I want to take a back seat to feeling and sensation.

So everything – defined by language – is a judgement.

A statement or decision about something.

Define judgement: Judgement?

How can we describe something without

Does everybody think this much? Feel crazy inside?

Reality. What does reality even mean? The outer life. The inner life. The innard life.

The peace that comes with April 1st was soooo welcomed this morning.

Have I stopped listening? So what happens when we stop listening?

Sometimes I feel tortured.

YES

Is it true that I feel a slave to my mind?

Is it true that my friends don’t care about me? Is it true taht I don’t know what I want? Is it true that I’m wasting my time? Is it true that there’s no money for me? Is it true? Is it true that I don’t know myself? Is it true that I am afraid of people? Is it true that I am not confident? Is it true? Is it true that I’m not going to fit in here? Is it true that I’m broke?

Because I am afraid it is true. Is it true?

I feel so sensitive about things and what people say to me.

Inside myself is fear and self-sabotage that I want to release. And replace with growth in what I really know.

I am brilliant.

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#SundayStories Trust and Allow

March is coming to an end. I listen to this podcast and it’s called Tarot for the Wild Soul. It’s amazing and every month she puts up a Monthly Medicine reading, with a mantra for the month. March is trust and allow.

This month has been wild. But there is something that is coming back to me. A feeling that I had when I was a kid that I am so happy to be reconnected with. Do you ever get this feeling… basically like a realization coupled with complete excitement. A realization that you have absolutely NO idea what could be coming around the corner and then just like being completely enthralled because that means that ANYTHING could happen. A positive take on the unknown really… I always used to feel like this when I was young. I just used to sit there and thing oh my goodness anything could happy in the next minute… literally anything because I can’t predict or control it.

This brings me back to trust and allow. Because I think for the longest time, out of fear of myself and other things. A lot of fear actually. I was on control and construct. Basically thinking that if I could just get a handle on my life I could control it and make it what I wanted it to be. Could I have been more wrong? LOL I don’t know. But it is actually so far away from what makes me feel like myself that I have to stop. This month’s mantra of trust and allow has really helped me to see that because it’s just another situation in the face of duality. We can either be afraid or enthralled. We face the unknown every day. Artists in particular have to face the unknown in many ways because of a general willingness to let the balls juggle in the air before settling.

So I will always have to face the unknown right? We all will really. In the micro-sense and the macro-sense. We just do not know what will happen in our lives next year or even in the next second (there is a catch I think … more on that later). So if that is the case then I am facing the unknown and calling it life. In this life I can choose to face that and to trust and allow it to come or to control it and construct it. I choose trust and allow now. I can be afraid of what that means or I can be completely excited by the fact that it actually means ANYTHING.

I used to do this naturally. I would get so excited about the fact that I actually had no idea how brilliant this life could be that I would get tears in my eyes. And it would happen to me so much that I feel like it happened all the time when I look back on my childhood haha1 So now I just think that it’s time for me to embrace that again because I can feel it coming back. Here’s the catch – to be able to be aware of this stuff I think you just have to be here right now. Otherwise if I let myself drift away from right now, then perhaps I can use that drifting to control what happens in the next moment.

This past week I have been slowly making the shift. There is a voice inside us all – our soul’s voice right? And they are constantly whispering waiting for us to listen. I started listening this week. Once every day I have had something come through and I have done something differently to what I had planned. That is what happened in simplest form. But the crazy thing is the way I felt when I followed what I heard. Never have I felt so calm or sure that what I was doing was the right thing for me to be doing. Monday I found myself in Brooklyn at 12 pm taking class at Mark Morris Dance Group when what I had planned to do was sit on my computer and work for the afternoon and then take class at 630 pm. Well I couldn’t have been more wrong about that and so when I had a minute to listen I was called to follow a different plan.

Then I was able to go to Top of the Rock with my love and her family. Because I was already in the city. The day just happened, just like that. And it was a brilliant day!

So there was something about that, that has reconnected me with how freaking exciting it actually is that we have no idea what’s coming around the corner. So don’t get to caught up in planning because it just takes up space in our now. If I think about it, why would I fill my right now with yesterday and tomorrow?

Would you, if you had the choice?

Talk soon,

B-

#SundayStories Healing Wounds and Soul Awakenings

Healing wounds

The moon cycles are so interesting. They are so powerful and I really feel like they affect me a lot. Actually I know they do. Yesterday’s new moon has got me EXHAUSTED. This whole week has been filled with random crying just like… crying about things that happened years ago. And whenever I have silent time my mind is filled with floating thoughts of events passed. It’s wild to think about all of these things again because I haven’t in so long. They have come back. But actually what I feel they have done… looking back on it anyway… is that they have always been there and they have come to say hello/goodbye now. Some things happen in life and we just don’t get closure. We don’t process them for whatever reason.

Well me anyway. I always have to remind myself to just talk about me. Because I know me (most of the time haha!). Anyway I really feel like in my early life – especially childhood and teenage years, I just kept on going no matter what. Pushed through everything and kept plugging away. But as I was doing that there were scars that were forming and wounds that were left slightly unhealed because my attention was elsewhere.

I remember reading recently that your greatest asset is your attention. I really really like that. I really like that. There is something so true about it. Knowing where my attention goes – not only being aware of it but directing it, is my greatest power that I have to participate in my life. I was going to write to control where my life goes. But I just don’t believe that we control where our lives go anymore.

 

I think I used to think that. Growing up I remember always thinking that I had to make sure that my life was a certain way and the responsibility felt on me to make my life happen. But now I know that my life is all around me and especially inside of me. It is happening whether I participate or not. So when I read that my attention is my greatest asset I just thought.. wow. I love that.

But what I do so myself sometimes is this I realize or learn something new and then I immediately am flooded with guilt/anger/shaming about all of the time that has passed that I hadn’t known or realized this thing.

In the process of learning about my attention however… it happened a little differently. I started to think about all of the things that have happened in my life where I have been hurt, both emotionally, physically and on a spiritual/soul level. They started to say hello. And in this process of introducing/re-introducing themselves to me I felt a lot more than the typical guilt/anger/shame. I am realizing now that it is because I actually paid attention to what was coming through.

I have been upset over something that happened to me just over 5 years ago. In the background I have been upset about it and my body has been traumatized by it and it has been given no attention. This week I had a lot of attention to spend on this particular thing because it came back to me so strongly.

You know when you realize that fear is holding you back from something? Well when I realized that in this particular instance, I also realized that my way of coping was to try and do anything else that I could to make myself feel good. Anything else but pay attention to the pain and the hurt and also to the actual matter and if there was anything I can still do about it.

This time I feel a bit different. This time I am grateful for that realization and for placing my attention where it was being lead.

It’s such a tricky thing with the mind. Because it’s hard to know where the thoughts are coming from and so which to pay attention to and which to let float by. This week though, I paid attention and honestly I feel so FLIPPING relieved that maybe I am starting to figure out how to listen that voice inside my belly.

I imagine my soul as a big yellow globe; fiery and gaseous and rich with particles of light. It resides in my solar plexus. There is a voice box there. That is the voice I want to listen to. When those words reach  my brain I must listen.

Something like this. Working on it though.

Soul awakenings 

See that flag up there – my soul was awakened when I landed on the Emerald Isle over 6 years ago for the first time. Something in me, that voice that comes from my yellow fiery, gaseous, rich, soul particles reminded me that I am home. In a past life I lived there. That’s maybe what I think of it now.

Either way the feeling I have being over in Ireland is like no other. Yesterday was a big day. The new moon, on a holiday to celebrate my soul home’s heritage, reminded me that belonging is defined by what’s within you. Not what falls outside of everything that you have inside. The moon was healing. My soul is speaking and my wounds are closing up. Slowly but surely.

This year man… it has been crazy for me. I wonder how it has been for other people. But I have a feeling that we all have a little bit of something similar going on inside. The particles between us all must be related in some way.

Talk soon,

B-

#SundayStories – Wishing I never left, pretending I didn’t…

Before Christmas I left Ireland and I had really run out of reasons to be there … legally. But in my heart and soul I had a million reasons to stay and a million reasons why I felt like I belonged.

Belonging. It’s such a crazy concept. What does it mean to belong? Because there are things that make a person feel like they belong and then there are these rules in society that … what do they do… they allow us to feel like we belong.

I just don’t understand how, as humans, one group of us can make rules about where another fellow human can or cannot spend their own time. We don’t have autonomy over our time. There are a lot of things we don’t have autonomy over as a human race. But why? Because who said that we had to have things the way they are apart from other people?

People controlling people. And blaming it on something outside of themselves. Something outside of “us”. The rules are made by people. To govern other people. So if I am in a certain position and a certain place with a certain identity I can decide who can or cannot come and be in my place. I just don’t know.

This feels hard for me to write because it feels so personal that I can’t even get to the point. And because this is a free write I can’t get rid of any of it. I promised myself that. But really I am already reflecting on what I wrote about 30 seconds ago and thinking to myself – just say what you really want to say.

What I really want to say is this… I think it actually broke my heart to leave Ireland. Because I wasn’t ready. And the worst part of it all was that I had to go because a force outside of my own will and autonomy, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to stay. I didn’t have any good enough reasons. I joked about it a lot. And that was the joke that I always told … that I ran out of good enough reasons to stay.

But really that actually kills me inside because I had a life, a love, beautiful friends, a home, a community, and the beginnings of a pretty fulfilling career. And most of all I had inner peace, confidence and was full of gratitude for my life and my surroundings. This place… Ireland… is my spiritual home.

Since Christmas, I have been struggling with myself because I am actually back in the states. I’ve been beating myself up over my communication skills about my new chapter. I have been avoiding even talking about it and in fact there are people over in Ireland, people who I care about and who are a part of my community, who probably don’t even know that I left! That is not the way that I would have wanted to talk about this situation if I had my choice. But I felt like I had to protect what was left of my broken heart. Every time I thought about it and every time i still think about it… I just am hurting so much to accept this life that I have created and the choices that it has lead me to … perhaps if I was working in business or in the sciences I would have been able to find a job that would let me stay.

Then I thought… well it’s great for me as a dancer and choreographer to be coming back to NJ. So near NYC what’s more to love?

My inner peace. My sanity. My confidence.

It is all slowly coming back. it’s all a part of me so I know it will be revealed in a new light as I allow myself to shed the fears that I have from being here and to mend the broken heart that i left Ireland with to come back to my childhood home and start a new chapter.

I just feel that I have not been able to even accept what I have been living these past few months because of the hurt that lies behind it. I wish every minute of every day, for a time in this life where people can go where they please simply because in their heart and soul they know that it is what they want or need for themselves to live a soulful life.

As a human race… we should be able to support each other to walk this land as if it was all our own because it is. All of it is ours and none of it is ours really.

This is what my solo was about in RAVENOUS. And I am only DELIGHTED to say that I will be back in less than a month’s time. In Ireland performing RAVENOUS at the Limerick Fringe with the Step Up 2017 gang again.

My heart is full thinking about it and my soul will be set on fire once again with my return. Until then I’m settling in. And slowly accepting. And also … reminding myself that I can feel however I want about a place that I call home because it is my choice to call it so.

Home is where the heart is … that’s what they say right? So if our hearts are inside of our bodies… then I can be at home wherever I go. That’s all for me today.

Talk soon,

B-

#SundayStories Rainbows, butterflies and lovey days.

The more you do, the less you know, the more your curiosity can grow.

This morning I meditated for a long time. I don’t usually do that but this morning I just let them keep playing. I went back to a past life. I also went to the future. I went deep with in to connect with my spirit guide. It was all crazy.

I came out of it and I wrote that up there ^^. Every Sunday I just write what I am thinking about in a journal – I call it ideation. Is that a word? It didn’t get underlined red so I suppose it is!! I do that anyway… every Sunday. And this morning after my lengthy meditation I wrote about what I call the Ultimate 100.

So what does it take to realize your potential? We are all infinite. I believe this. If we don’t continue to expand what happens? Well expansion is only expansion relative to it’s direct opposite, right? Maybe not right. But I think so. I know expansion through knowing contraction. So basically then I started thinking… if I’m not expanding what am i doing? It might feel like I’m stagnating but I think that what I’m doing is contracting , even if it’s ever so slowly. Because what happens when you kind of get comfortable and then the next thing comes along that asks you to expand out? Ohhhh it feels harder. Doesn’t it? It just feels a little bit like… ehhhh idk if I want to do that.

So basically then in order to keep expanding – well… rate of change! Rate of change. So if I’m expanding at a constant rate… or if I remain at a constant expanded place… Oh wow. There goes the fear coming in. Even in writing about constantly expanding I am afraid to admit that this is what we are meant to do. I literally rewrote my thought to say remaining at a constant expanded place. That just isn’t possible. Because to maintain the status quo you’d have to be constantly changing. And so if i want to remain at a constant expanded place – I basically would need to be continuously monitoring what I am expanding to and contracting to at the same time. And contract away from something if I am expanding too much… in order to remain in that constant place. The place that stays the same on the outside but on the inside is always changing.

Well what about the place that is always changing on the inside and on the outside is expanding into a bigger and more open version of itself. Becoming itself.

How does a seed become a flower? Honestly. That blows my mind. We are all a seed. And if we don’t constantly grow then we die. So back to this idea of going deep.

Do you ever just feel like the more you do something or the more you learn about something… then the less you actually feel like you know what you’re doing or what you know?

Well then … this can be discouraging. I used to let it discourage me so much in the studio as a kid/teen. LOL Keen. I just had to write that because sometimes my brain just smushes words together and I don’t usually write them down but like… Sunday Stories deserve stories.

Anyway I used to get so upset if I would get really into something and then hit that place or those places of questioning and of really microscopically examining things. I would just think that everything had gone to h-e-double hockey sticks (hell) and basically that I wasn’t actually any good at dancing at all.

Man how wrong was that? I actually was just getting deeper into my practice and really getting into the guts of what makes the thing work. So what I wish that I could do (and I did this in my meditation) – is just go back to little B and tell her that instead of letting it discourage her… she should let her curiosity grow.

The deeper we go, the less we know… the more our curiosity SHOULD grow.

I am grateful for this piece of information. Because to be honest I know that life isn’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies and happy lovey days. But it sure as hell can be interesting and fulfilling and just flipping unbelievable. Curiosity drives that. And I know that my curiosity drives me more than ti ever has now, as it has in times in my life where I allowed myself to just live.

Be curious B. That’s what I want to say. Let yourself be curious, B. And anyone else out there who needs to hear this. Hear it loud and clear. DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED. BE CURIOUS.

Yes.

Talk soon,

B-