The longest winters

“When we reduce great things to such dismissive categories, we rob them of their selfhood and deprive them of their voice.” – Parker Palmer

I cracked open today. I can’t believe I have been refusing to crack open for so long. I really cracked. How can I continue to reduce my greatness to pretending that I am not limiting my self in my beliefs when I am? How can I continue to live as if I don’t ascribe to the belief that I am not good enough when I do? I said it today. I had to say it aloud.

We learned heart opening back bends today in Asana practice. I haven’t ever in my life been able to back bend the way I did today. After I cracked open… this is why.

A couple of years ago I hurt my back, just a few days before the final performance of my Masters. I could barely walk it was unbearable pain, I was nearly bedridden. And through the process of healing – foam rolling a lotttttt and seeing a physical therapist (my queen Phyllis) – I realized that I needed to crack. To spill the beans on something that had been going on in my life and in the life of my mind that I had to literally get off my chest. I had to get it out of my body. I knew this was part of the physical manifestation of my pain.

Today we learned about Ama – which is a sanskrit word – it means something unresolved or undigested.

Ama manifests itself as trauma in the body.

Here is my Ama – my limiting belief is that I am not good enough. It’s so painful to allow that to exist in my conscious mind that it brought me to floods of tears to say it. But what I realized today is that it is always there, littering my life with the fear and the conditioning and the layers of judgement that has solidified it and has compressed it down into the layers of me. The superficial layers that is.

I know deep down that I am good enough. I am simply a miracle. We all are. I know this. This I know. But before I can know that consciously and wholly, before I can know that through my lived experience and not just in my soul’s desire, I have to accept that in this very moment, my limiting belief is that I am not good enough.

I have to accept that it is MY belief. Though I have taken it on from experiences in life, been judged as inadequate in many realms of my life – friendships, family, life pursuits, academic pursuits, creative endeavours, you name it … all of this has affected me in a way that has been completely and utterly indigestible and so this Ama is my limiting belief.

Tears rolling down my face, I said it aloud. I was crying before I even said it because I knew I would have to say it.

“My limiting belief is that I am not good enough.”

There are many steps towards manifesting your greatest life as your greatest self. My first baby step today was acknowledgment. And my body felt the difference… my heart opened. My inhale feels lighter because I shattered that glass bubble that held a lifetime of data to supplement my limiting belief.

Now the flood gates have opened and the goldfish are gasping for air. It was always I who was feeding them. I fed them with judgements from others, I fed them with insecurities of my own, I fed them with judgements from myself. I fed them no one else did – they didn’t see the tank. I filled the tank with external reinforcement until it got so full that I had no choice but to carry it around with me until it cracked.

Today, thank goodness. It cracked.

And here I am stumbling through the weeds of waste, but all the while I am just absolutely thrilled to have begun. To have begun the cycle of releasing my limiting belief.

I am good enough. You know that feeling? I hope you do… no matter how deep down it is in your soul, I hope you know that feeling. Of being good enough. You are nothing short of miraculous actually – did you know that?

Love always,

B-

Note to self: keep your heart open even though it hurts. Cry and just let your heart be open. An open heart is a magnet to the things you want to attract. A closed heart’s magnet turns in on itself, attracting only what it can find in darkness. The longest winters always turn into spring, but what triggers the bloom is the process of beginning again through the darkness – an opening.

FYI (For your inspiration) –

If you are in the middle of an initiation right now, you will get through it and one day soon, you will bless the thing that broke you down and cracked you open because the world needs you open. You are going somewhere sacred. It will be worth it. And you’re closer than you think. – Rebecca Campbell

Sometimes, not receiving guidance is guidance in itself. Sometimes it means: wait, the details are being woven. Our challenge is to keep trusting through the void of winter.To remember that spring does always come. – Rebecca Campbell

How can we “downsize mystery to the scale of our minds?” – Parker Palmer


“It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery, but what a savage and beautiful country lies in between.” Diane Ackerman
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Words left unsaid… art.

In case you ever needed to know …

 

What’s left unsaid is something like this:

 

You are absolutely incredible.

If you could only see what you bring to this world you would never hesitate to give yourself all of the best things that life has to offer.

Whatever you feel is perfectly okay. So let yourself feel it because it is you.

If you don’t want it to be you, I think you still have to feel it anyway because then you can let it go.

Sometimes when I think about you and how you carry yourself through life, tears come to my eyes.

Whenever we part ways I look back and wonder if I treated you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

Because you deserve the world.

Abundance is your birthright.

Creation is your birthright.

You were born to be exactly who you are. Let that be enough.

To me, it is more than enough, it is stellar.

The winter is long, but the darkness comes regardless of the season.

So when that darkness comes, just remember that what’s left unsaid is something like this:

Your light shines as brightly as the brightest stars in the brightest universe.

No matter how many layers of dust surround it, or perhaps the lampshades or curtains covering it, that light of yours shines brightly regardless.

Though it may be covered by the layers of conditioned life, that really is all it is, just a covering.

Nothing can turn the light switch off without your permission.

So I hope that you remember this always – even when I’m not able to remind you …

Your light is worthy of the sun, moon and stars combined.

Your spirit the essence of pure anglicism.

Your being the embodiment of creation and energy.

 

Your humanity is ethereal.

Look in the mirror and like what you see because what is left unsaid is… art.

YOU are a work of art.

Always remember that in faith and love.

I hope that you know I wish you the best always and I think nothing less than the world of you.

 

Sometimes you just need to read the words that are left unsaid. Here they are for whenever you need them.

 

Sending you a big tight hug, always.

 

Love,

B-

Don’t look down. ouch…

February 6th. I celebrate the 6ths of the month. For me you know? I was born on the 6th. It is my day.

On the 6th I read my morning meditation and it was about trusting our hearts. How sometimes (many times for me) we will go into different ways of dealing with painful experiences that involve the mind, instead of just letting the heart be trusted to accept the hurt and move on.

Basically running circles around the pain – intellectualizing it, agonizing over what went wrong, regretting every second of it, trying to learn a lesson from it, talking about it, not talking about it, writing about it, moving past it, blowing through it … but the body remembers. And the heart is built to love. Trusted love can overcome any pain. Is what I think this meditation inferred … I think that yes.

So it also said – sometimes we intellectualize things instead of just simply saying ouch.

Ouch.

It hurts me to say ouch. But it has changed my life in many ways just in this past 5 days.

Repeatedly I say ouch to death. Ouch to lost love. Ouch to betrayal. Ouch to feeling abandoned by people who I thought were there for me. Ouch to it all.

It really does hurt. But saying ouch some how allows it to be accepted.

How does it feel when you stub your toe and you hold your tongue? I don’t know about you, but for me I actually feel even worse if I think about it… because the pain radiates through my body while my mind is focused on not allowing myself to express it.

The energy of not letting myself express compounds the pain.

So if I think about it… the amount of pain that has been compounded in my body has probably got enough pressure in it to make a diamond.

Ouch.

Sometimes I stub my toe and out it comes – OUCHHHHH @#$%^&^%$#@#$%^ ya know?

Oh mannnnnn that is reality. Giving birth to the present moment is pain for real sometimes. But I will say this – it happens way more when I am alone and I wish it just happened way more in general.

But pain is the one thing that brings us to the present always… even if its only for a microsecond before we realize that we can’t express it in that moment. Pain brings us to the present.

Why is that?

Pleasure does it too… but could it be that in this life we allow ourselves to have pain more than pleasure?

Dancing causes me pain. A lot of it. Because I don’t let myself be grateful or acknowledge myself in my dance.

My background. I am not proud of it. I can’t even write that though because it feels wrong. Because I am proud of it.

I don’t let myself give birth to that though. I am holding my tongue.

 

I am holding my tongue on my dance.

 

Today’s meditation – what life is expecting of us. So how can we live the life that life is expecting of us? We need to show up fully. As ourselves. Fully. Full. Ly. Fullllly.

Today I got up and I went to dance. I performed. I didn’t have a single thought about being inadequate. Not until I returned home and got into the shower did I think about anything that could have tainted my experience of being full. Fully being.

Can I even put into words what this realization means? It feels like I showed up shouting OUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH all day. Giving birth to the fullest expression of myself in every moment.

For now it is ouch.

But pretty soon its going to be oouuuuuuuuuuuuu.

 

Pain and pleasure run along the same neural pathways – two halves on the same weighing scale. So on my path to inner peace, I hope I can flip the scales a little bit in this duality.

 

B-

Gratitude for a love.

A love that makes me feel small. That makes me feel big.

A love that makes me feel it all and also makes me feel nothing.

A love in between dualities.

Allowing both sides of the coin to exist at once and in so doing – if I am open enough to realize it – I can live in the peace of the middle ground.

 

The peace of allowing both to exist at once.

 

Did we? As two people – allow both to exist at once? We were starting to figure that out.

I have tremendous gratitude for that lesson.

Co-existence without co-dependency. Co-existience with two full existences.

 

It hurts to miss.

To miss the person.

To miss the idea.

To actually miss the love.

I have never felt this way before. To miss a love is a tremendous burden on the heart.

I am sorry to carry this burden but I’m scared to say Ouch.

Ouch.

 

Still tied to what was and what could have been. I know that this is a process of confusion because my mind needs to be allowed to be confused before it can be clear. Many different points of data exist within the inner landscape of my mental.

And I just think … what about you?

Where do you go? What do you do? Without me.

 

So what am I grateful for? Can it be as simple as to say everything? Yes. But can it as full as to say everything and leave it at that. No – that is not full.

Full is this –

Stepping barefoot onto the perfectly tempered sand, beautifully soft and smooth, tiny fine grains warmed to the perfect temperature, the temperature that travels up your whole body and warms it, reminding us of the miracle that we are here. Looking up to realize that there exists a sea of infinite possibility ahead if we just travel through the sand to reach it. If we dive in then we might just swim. All the while, there is the sun, beaming down in support of every single step, no matter how small, how big, how crooked, how unbalanced, how careless, reckless or unknowing, the sun is there. Beaming down in support of the energy that dwells within, of the freedom to make choices and the belief that each one leads to the next, there is no wrong way except to cut yourself off.

Full.

 

Under the same sun. Under the same stars.

 

Gratitude for a love ,

Belief. Grief

Belief makes things real.

 

Does acceptance make them real?

As it rains down, on my first day of yoga teacher training, I am reminded of a theory I developed recently  – that it might rain on all of the important days of my life. Maybe not forever… but I forgot about it until today – this evening, when it started raining.

It rained on the 31st of December and then it rained again on the 5th of January. It rained today.

I know you are here but the truth is that you are supposed to be HERE. Here … in Atlanta actually. That hurts my heart.

I don’t know what I am going to write when I sit down to write anymore. That is the best time for writing for me. Speaking my soul through my fingertips.

 

You inspire me. You really do. But every single day I wonder about what it means to be here and now I can’t help but think about why these things have to happen in order for me to really allow myself to think about what it means to be here.

 

Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit for the process of doing that throughout my life. But now that I have witnessed an Earthly life at it’s end I feel that I have been given a new understanding of …

I threw away a piece of writing a couple of weeks ago. You inspired that.

I don’t think I have ever thrown away anything that I’ve written. I am so afraid of letting go of things … Am I ? Well I wonder that to be honest with you because when I actually threw away that piece of writing – I knew I had to because it had things on it that I wanted to let go of. As I held on to it while I walked – looking for the right trash can to throw it in (as if there is a “right” trash can to throw away your angry thoughts) – I reminded myself that I have never thrown away any piece of writing before.

There is this image of what it means to be a writer that I have in my head – of a person writing and writing and writing and just throwing loads of pages on the floor, into the garbage whatever – just writing and discarding – I couldn’t ascribe to that identity of a writer because I do not throw my writings away.

Except that day. It actually felt great to do that but I haven’t done it since.

You can’t throw away the things you write on the internet. How do things reach you ? Through the internet or am I better off burning them and hoping that the essence of the fire gets to you?

Not every thought that runs through my mind feels worth sharing, but it feels sometimes like if I don’t get them out then they will all pile up somewhere in the room of my brain.

This week I learned that I am allergic to dust mites. Now I have an image of my brain, as a room (thanks to my yoga teacher training meditation today), that is filled with dust and dust mites.

Just like my life right now I have to clean up all of the dust. It has settled in ways.

But I’m still not too sure that the dust of your passing has settled yet.

I have learned so much in the span of these past few weeks. It hasn’t even been a month yet but I have been awakened. Eyes wide open in accepting the realities of what life is like now.

Eyes wide open. Living life and learning something new in each passing minute is how I feel that these past few weeks have been for me.

But clarity is coming more in my body than it is in my mind. You already know these things I’m sure because I talk to you about them. It feels nice to have an angel up there who I know. That is a reality for me. But accepting that reality makes me feel many things because it means accepting your passing.

I have to. And I do.

Today I decided that I am going to radically completely accept myself.

Radically completely. So… radically and completely.

Completely implies the passing of time I think. And radically implies the immediacy of time I think.

So in embracing the paradox of accepting oneself I have decided to accept myself radically completely.

Immediately and over time.

Learning from your life has been the greatest blessing I have received in a long while. I wonder how I got so lucky to be blessed with a heart like yours.

I can see how it might have been hard for you to live with this heart because I can feel mine now; so quickly change from feeling calm to feeling pressured. Literal pressure in my heart. I have to remind myself I have nothing to prove.

I love to write you see, I really do and I just wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

I love to make dance as well, I feel that my work has a place in this world but I wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

And I think…. but this I know is where my need to prove myself holds me back… I think that I know I love to dance too.

I believe I can be abundant, make a lot of money, have a great life … but I wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

It’s in my heart. How did you do it? Repetition is a beautiful escape for me.

Yet at many times in my life I find myself with a chaotic routine in this life.

Where are you ya know? I wonder that.

But then I feel you and I hear you and so I suppose that is… well it just is.

 

Requesting a bear hug please.

Talk soon,

B-