#SundayStories – Wishing I never left, pretending I didn’t…

Before Christmas I left Ireland and I had really run out of reasons to be there … legally. But in my heart and soul I had a million reasons to stay and a million reasons why I felt like I belonged.

Belonging. It’s such a crazy concept. What does it mean to belong? Because there are things that make a person feel like they belong and then there are these rules in society that … what do they do… they allow us to feel like we belong.

I just don’t understand how, as humans, one group of us can make rules about where another fellow human can or cannot spend their own time. We don’t have autonomy over our time. There are a lot of things we don’t have autonomy over as a human race. But why? Because who said that we had to have things the way they are apart from other people?

People controlling people. And blaming it on something outside of themselves. Something outside of “us”. The rules are made by people. To govern other people. So if I am in a certain position and a certain place with a certain identity I can decide who can or cannot come and be in my place. I just don’t know.

This feels hard for me to write because it feels so personal that I can’t even get to the point. And because this is a free write I can’t get rid of any of it. I promised myself that. But really I am already reflecting on what I wrote about 30 seconds ago and thinking to myself – just say what you really want to say.

What I really want to say is this… I think it actually broke my heart to leave Ireland. Because I wasn’t ready. And the worst part of it all was that I had to go because a force outside of my own will and autonomy, made me feel like I wasn’t good enough to stay. I didn’t have any good enough reasons. I joked about it a lot. And that was the joke that I always told … that I ran out of good enough reasons to stay.

But really that actually kills me inside because I had a life, a love, beautiful friends, a home, a community, and the beginnings of a pretty fulfilling career. And most of all I had inner peace, confidence and was full of gratitude for my life and my surroundings. This place… Ireland… is my spiritual home.

Since Christmas, I have been struggling with myself because I am actually back in the states. I’ve been beating myself up over my communication skills about my new chapter. I have been avoiding even talking about it and in fact there are people over in Ireland, people who I care about and who are a part of my community, who probably don’t even know that I left! That is not the way that I would have wanted to talk about this situation if I had my choice. But I felt like I had to protect what was left of my broken heart. Every time I thought about it and every time i still think about it… I just am hurting so much to accept this life that I have created and the choices that it has lead me to … perhaps if I was working in business or in the sciences I would have been able to find a job that would let me stay.

Then I thought… well it’s great for me as a dancer and choreographer to be coming back to NJ. So near NYC what’s more to love?

My inner peace. My sanity. My confidence.

It is all slowly coming back. it’s all a part of me so I know it will be revealed in a new light as I allow myself to shed the fears that I have from being here and to mend the broken heart that i left Ireland with to come back to my childhood home and start a new chapter.

I just feel that I have not been able to even accept what I have been living these past few months because of the hurt that lies behind it. I wish every minute of every day, for a time in this life where people can go where they please simply because in their heart and soul they know that it is what they want or need for themselves to live a soulful life.

As a human race… we should be able to support each other to walk this land as if it was all our own because it is. All of it is ours and none of it is ours really.

This is what my solo was about in RAVENOUS. And I am only DELIGHTED to say that I will be back in less than a month’s time. In Ireland performing RAVENOUS at the Limerick Fringe with the Step Up 2017 gang again.

My heart is full thinking about it and my soul will be set on fire once again with my return. Until then I’m settling in. And slowly accepting. And also … reminding myself that I can feel however I want about a place that I call home because it is my choice to call it so.

Home is where the heart is … that’s what they say right? So if our hearts are inside of our bodies… then I can be at home wherever I go. That’s all for me today.

Talk soon,

B-

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#SundayStories Rainbows, butterflies and lovey days.

The more you do, the less you know, the more your curiosity can grow.

This morning I meditated for a long time. I don’t usually do that but this morning I just let them keep playing. I went back to a past life. I also went to the future. I went deep with in to connect with my spirit guide. It was all crazy.

I came out of it and I wrote that up there ^^. Every Sunday I just write what I am thinking about in a journal – I call it ideation. Is that a word? It didn’t get underlined red so I suppose it is!! I do that anyway… every Sunday. And this morning after my lengthy meditation I wrote about what I call the Ultimate 100.

So what does it take to realize your potential? We are all infinite. I believe this. If we don’t continue to expand what happens? Well expansion is only expansion relative to it’s direct opposite, right? Maybe not right. But I think so. I know expansion through knowing contraction. So basically then I started thinking… if I’m not expanding what am i doing? It might feel like I’m stagnating but I think that what I’m doing is contracting , even if it’s ever so slowly. Because what happens when you kind of get comfortable and then the next thing comes along that asks you to expand out? Ohhhh it feels harder. Doesn’t it? It just feels a little bit like… ehhhh idk if I want to do that.

So basically then in order to keep expanding – well… rate of change! Rate of change. So if I’m expanding at a constant rate… or if I remain at a constant expanded place… Oh wow. There goes the fear coming in. Even in writing about constantly expanding I am afraid to admit that this is what we are meant to do. I literally rewrote my thought to say remaining at a constant expanded place. That just isn’t possible. Because to maintain the status quo you’d have to be constantly changing. And so if i want to remain at a constant expanded place – I basically would need to be continuously monitoring what I am expanding to and contracting to at the same time. And contract away from something if I am expanding too much… in order to remain in that constant place. The place that stays the same on the outside but on the inside is always changing.

Well what about the place that is always changing on the inside and on the outside is expanding into a bigger and more open version of itself. Becoming itself.

How does a seed become a flower? Honestly. That blows my mind. We are all a seed. And if we don’t constantly grow then we die. So back to this idea of going deep.

Do you ever just feel like the more you do something or the more you learn about something… then the less you actually feel like you know what you’re doing or what you know?

Well then … this can be discouraging. I used to let it discourage me so much in the studio as a kid/teen. LOL Keen. I just had to write that because sometimes my brain just smushes words together and I don’t usually write them down but like… Sunday Stories deserve stories.

Anyway I used to get so upset if I would get really into something and then hit that place or those places of questioning and of really microscopically examining things. I would just think that everything had gone to h-e-double hockey sticks (hell) and basically that I wasn’t actually any good at dancing at all.

Man how wrong was that? I actually was just getting deeper into my practice and really getting into the guts of what makes the thing work. So what I wish that I could do (and I did this in my meditation) – is just go back to little B and tell her that instead of letting it discourage her… she should let her curiosity grow.

The deeper we go, the less we know… the more our curiosity SHOULD grow.

I am grateful for this piece of information. Because to be honest I know that life isn’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies and happy lovey days. But it sure as hell can be interesting and fulfilling and just flipping unbelievable. Curiosity drives that. And I know that my curiosity drives me more than ti ever has now, as it has in times in my life where I allowed myself to just live.

Be curious B. That’s what I want to say. Let yourself be curious, B. And anyone else out there who needs to hear this. Hear it loud and clear. DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED. BE CURIOUS.

Yes.

Talk soon,

B-

#SundayStories Walking into the Unknown

That’s it. Walking into the unknown. Today I did a job that I knew that I could do and do well, but I’ve never done it before. And today all day I learned new things that somehow I felt like I already knew when I learned them (some of them anyway). So what it is about walking into the unknown that really scares us?

Me. I should just say me. It scares me. I don’t know if it scares you. But it scares the living (rhymes with spit) out of me. If I really think about it, my biggest fear is dying. I am afraid to die. Why? I kept asking myself why… and the reason is because we actually have no idea what it’s like. It’s completely unknown.

Blahhhhhhhhhh that is freaky isn’t it ?!

But sometimes in life, we can walk into the unknown and embrace it completely. When I have that feeling I think it’s just like I said up there – it’s like I actually already knew it. Feels like… not so unknown in the doing. But really feels unknown in the anticipation or the preparation.

When it doesn’t exist yet it feels unknown. But the second something begins to exist – a thought or an experience or anything really – then the unknown-ness of it just seems to transform into knowing-ness. Are those words? Can you just really make up your own word in the English language by adding a -ness to it?

Sunday-ness. Today has a lot of Sunday-ness. lol what. Anyway I just think that talking about the unknown is really a relief for me because it is one of those things that also can be hard to talk about. Because in a way it’s almost indescribable. It’s that indescribable fear that you don’t have a reason for but you fear it so much, more than anything. It’s the unknown.

I think about all the times that I can express my feelings – very clearly – of fear. It’s not hard for me to admit that I’m scared of something or scared to do something.

But what is rare is my ability to articulate what it is… other than my saying that I’m scared because “I don’t know…”. I add on any number of unknowns that add to my overall fear of just not flipping knowing what the FLIP is going to happen in a certain turn of events.

Well this is why people seem to recommend being here right now… right?

What is there to be afraid of if you are just here right now and only doing what you’re doing right now.

Well basically there s everything to be afraid of in that – because the safety of what’s “known” and “comfortable” disappears the second you decide to commit WHOLLY to everything that is happening right now. Once you do that you relinquish any attachment to knowing what might happen next based on what happened before now.

What a sticky peanut butter with no jelly sandwich. That is sticky man. So sometimes I want a little jelly. And actually the jelly of life is where right now resides. I think anyway.

So how about a jelly sandwich?

I’ve been up since 530 am today.

But it’s Sunday and Sunday is my favorite day of the week. It’s the day that I purposefully set time aside to share and to write and to let my stories flow from my fingertips – from my heart really. I learned in class a few days ago that the nerves up in your thoracic spine are the ones that connect directly to your arms – and that the nerves of your heart connect to your arms. Something like this. I should fact check myself. But the point is that your heart is connected to your arms in a very direct way through our biology. So basically if i just let these words flow out without allowing myself  the time to ponder or to feel like I really have to share something profound, then I type from my heart.

That feels important. Especially in an instance like this where I will say that I felt like I had no idea what I was doing today but also every idea that I knew exactly how to do it and I was able.

How funny is that – I had no idea. Never done it before in my life. But there’s something about knowing yourself that allows you to determine – if you give yourself enough space – whether you know that you can do something or not.

So it’s another duality. Known versus unknown. The scale of one is only defined in its relation to each other.

What happens if the both disappear?

We can just be here I suppose right?

Talk soon,

B-

#SundayStories Where you’ve been and where you’re going

Mentor. Tribe.

These things have been on my head for a long time to be honest. I have been wanting them to come to fruition for me. Everyone keeps talking about finding your tribe and I just am like … why haven’t I found mine yet? I know that I have a lot of people in my life who I love and who love me. Who I can count on and who are a part of my life for different reasons, mostly cuz of who they are. But there is something about the word tribe. The concept of finding your tribe… something about that just seems different.

It’s not just having your family and liking them. Or finding friends and liking them. Or even finding a love and loving that person. I just don’t think it’s the same.

Finding your tribe seems to me to be like finding people who support and also live in what you live in.

Tribe … your tribe is your soul collective.

Where is mine? I can’t help but wonder. And then I went to a talk today where the theme was exploration of indigenous culture and I just listened to these people talk about how they live their culture and associate with their culture. How big a part of their lives it is and how they appreciate the ability to share it.

One thing really stuck out to me – they all have a tribe. And their tribe is not just the people who they were born into, but it happens to be that they also chose to continue to be a part of that tribe because they all seem to flow with one another.

And I think because of that – each of the presenters… also found that they could include each other in their tribe.

So this is to do with your soul’s purpose. Isn’t it? Your tribe.

I don’t think I have found mine. Do you have to be clear about what your about before you can find your tribe? I don’t know. But what I do know is that whatever I tell myself is that either frees or restricts me in my perception of my reality.

I remember reading once (on instagram – idilionaire) – that our reality never changes – it is always the same. And that it is how we feel inside that colors our perception of our reality.

So I thought to myself this morning – I really need more time for silence in my life. Silence to receive the answers. Because there are some universal truths that we all know. Our souls collectively know them. And I think that if I can find out what mine are – and live them truly and authentically – then I will attract my tribe and they will attract me.

The next thing – mentor. GODDDDDD when I was a child and even still to this day I would have daydreams of someone just seeing something in me. Wanting to invest in me and teach me what they knew of their expertise. Of course it woudl be an expertise that I was pursuing as well. WHen I was young it was always in Irish dance. Someone would just see my hard work, passion and dedication. Someone would appreciate my skill and someone would take it upon themselves to push me to my fullest potential.

I found the opposite for a lot of my life so far in a lot of different areas. I have always pushed myself. I haven’t ever felt like I had someone else to look to or someone else whom I could converse with in that type of relationship.

I am dying for it. And to be honest with you, the only reason I did without it and still do without it is because I feel I don’t have a choice. But I swear to you if I had a choice I’d have someone by my side always. Because I believe that in order to know where you are going you have to know where you come from.

Who else do you join at the dinner table? Who is seated at the table of your purpose? Who is seated at the table of your perspective on life?

I just wish. I still wish it. That I could come across someone(s) who I can have this relationship with. I have come across a few people so far in my life. But I don’t know. It doesn’t seem as easy to create that kind of a relationship when the person is actually there because it feels like it needs to be mutual.

So far it hasn’t been. So do I need to get clear? I’m not sure.

I know though that I need to get silent. Because I heard the truest statement I’ve heard in a long time today from someone at this talk – in different words – my own words – Basically you need a mentor to teach you where you’ve come from and in doing so then you can consider yourself a true person of the craft you are trying to pursue.

In writing that I am fighting it. But how can I? When you see someone or some thing that is so rich in tradition and culture, how can you fight its existence?

How do we make something novel without knowing what already exists?

Well sometimes I want to and feel like I need to shut myself off from everything to be in my own space and create.

But what happens when I don’t? When i don’t need that? Or when I want something else?

A mentor could be there. A tribe could be there.

Who is your mentor? Who’s in your tribe?

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

#SundayStories Face to face

When we learn to face our fears, we learn to observe our thoughts and feelings but not be ruled by them.

Madisyn Taylor of Daily Om – I get their newsletter and so I get a daily inspiration from Madisyn everyday. She uses amazing photographs by the way. You could subscribe to DailyOm.com if you ever wanted to see what I’m talking about.

Another freewrite is in the midst because I am trying to connect with the parts of myself that really want to be heard you know? The parts of me that want to write and really write – about what it actually is that is going on inside the vast universe of one human body, only to be enclosed by layers upon layers of what we think we should be – from our clothes to our opinions and beliefs – they all just blanket our universe.

So I decided to face my fears today – I am going to write about this quote above and let my writing be inspired by it. I’m not going to stop because that is the point of a freewrite and I just think that if I do this then maybe things will come out that have been waiting – behind the fears – to come out. Facing my fears seems to be a theme for this year. But what I actually think it is, underneath that mental blanket of fear – is learning to communicate better. Communicating the way I know I can. Starting with speaking my truth and valuing myself. Why is it so hard to value myself? IT’s really a weird thing because I am catching up on all my DailyOM articles this morning, and realizing I didn’t write yesterday – I always write on Sundays- and then immediately start to feel bad about myself inside – I immediately start to go – oh you said you were going to do that why didn’t you? You have to commit to things or else what is the point? Etc etc. So now I am here and I’m like … hmmm I don’t need to be controlled by that.

What is it about these rules that we place on ourselves that actually keep us grounded and small? They are disguised as “safe” and even for me they are disguised as “knowing myself” but really I think it’s just knowing myself in the sense that I created this smaller version of me, that the world could handle – but this is all in my own opinion. Because of what…? You know?

Why did I decide on behalf of myself, before even trying, that certain things had to be a certain way and that I was a certain way or that I am a certain way?

Being the witness in your own mind. It’s a scary thing. Louise Hay – in my meditation – she talks about cleaning out the mental trash so if you want to do that you have to actually look and see what’s there. I think this is similar to being the witness in your own mind. Or observing your thoughts and feelings and not being ruled by them. I let myself be ruled by things and I also let myself feel like it’s because of other people who are important to me. That i have to be a certain way because that’s who and how I am around people who are a part of my life.

But it’s me. Isn’t it always us at the end of the day? Whatever stems in your life that you want to change or that you realize is not right or is actually absolutely perfect – it all comes from you in the end, doesn’t it?

How many thousands of excuses do you think the world’s whispers have carried of people who are simply just afraid of what and who they are? I have contributed so many and I know that now because I want to sit down here and write this shit out for myself and contribute these truths to those whispers.

I am afraid. Afraid of talking about what really matters to me without disguising it as something that “isn’t important” because to other people it isn’t important. Or so I assume. Money for example – Important to everyone right? Well I don’t know. To me it’s getting there. But only because I am starting to see money as value. And value as how we negotiate things in this world. And also realizing that one of the biggest things is that I don’t like to spend money on myself. So if I don’t value money and I don’t spend money on myself – what kind of value to I have for myself?

I work in silence sometimes. But actually the silence is so loud. Full of those whispers. So now I’m thinking – what if I work out loud – speak the things that I want to hear and then where do the whispers go? Surely they go. Eventually they go.

So maybe that’s the next step. Working out loud. So out loud, to whomever I want, today I will speak what I want and what I think. At least once. Now don’t get me wrong – I spend my days doing this as many times as possible. But only in certain aspects of my life. Hiding from what I really want to talk about – which is me. Doesn’t everyone? just really want to talk about themselves? To know yourself is to know everyone else. I really believe that. And it doesn’t mean that you literally know every single other person. It means that to know yourself… in knowing yourself, you can begin to understand what we are as a human race. Knowing yourself you can know one part in a whole. That whole is always in existence. It never exists without one of it’s parts.

So how is that for being important?

Sometimes we need to reflect and sometimes we just need to write.

Talk soon,

B-

 

**PC goes to H+ The Hip Hop Dance Conservatory for this lovely photo.