Belief. Grief

Belief makes things real.

 

Does acceptance make them real?

As it rains down, on my first day of yoga teacher training, I am reminded of a theory I developed recently  – that it might rain on all of the important days of my life. Maybe not forever… but I forgot about it until today – this evening, when it started raining.

It rained on the 31st of December and then it rained again on the 5th of January. It rained today.

I know you are here but the truth is that you are supposed to be HERE. Here … in Atlanta actually. That hurts my heart.

I don’t know what I am going to write when I sit down to write anymore. That is the best time for writing for me. Speaking my soul through my fingertips.

 

You inspire me. You really do. But every single day I wonder about what it means to be here and now I can’t help but think about why these things have to happen in order for me to really allow myself to think about what it means to be here.

 

Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit for the process of doing that throughout my life. But now that I have witnessed an Earthly life at it’s end I feel that I have been given a new understanding of …

I threw away a piece of writing a couple of weeks ago. You inspired that.

I don’t think I have ever thrown away anything that I’ve written. I am so afraid of letting go of things … Am I ? Well I wonder that to be honest with you because when I actually threw away that piece of writing – I knew I had to because it had things on it that I wanted to let go of. As I held on to it while I walked – looking for the right trash can to throw it in (as if there is a “right” trash can to throw away your angry thoughts) – I reminded myself that I have never thrown away any piece of writing before.

There is this image of what it means to be a writer that I have in my head – of a person writing and writing and writing and just throwing loads of pages on the floor, into the garbage whatever – just writing and discarding – I couldn’t ascribe to that identity of a writer because I do not throw my writings away.

Except that day. It actually felt great to do that but I haven’t done it since.

You can’t throw away the things you write on the internet. How do things reach you ? Through the internet or am I better off burning them and hoping that the essence of the fire gets to you?

Not every thought that runs through my mind feels worth sharing, but it feels sometimes like if I don’t get them out then they will all pile up somewhere in the room of my brain.

This week I learned that I am allergic to dust mites. Now I have an image of my brain, as a room (thanks to my yoga teacher training meditation today), that is filled with dust and dust mites.

Just like my life right now I have to clean up all of the dust. It has settled in ways.

But I’m still not too sure that the dust of your passing has settled yet.

I have learned so much in the span of these past few weeks. It hasn’t even been a month yet but I have been awakened. Eyes wide open in accepting the realities of what life is like now.

Eyes wide open. Living life and learning something new in each passing minute is how I feel that these past few weeks have been for me.

But clarity is coming more in my body than it is in my mind. You already know these things I’m sure because I talk to you about them. It feels nice to have an angel up there who I know. That is a reality for me. But accepting that reality makes me feel many things because it means accepting your passing.

I have to. And I do.

Today I decided that I am going to radically completely accept myself.

Radically completely. So… radically and completely.

Completely implies the passing of time I think. And radically implies the immediacy of time I think.

So in embracing the paradox of accepting oneself I have decided to accept myself radically completely.

Immediately and over time.

Learning from your life has been the greatest blessing I have received in a long while. I wonder how I got so lucky to be blessed with a heart like yours.

I can see how it might have been hard for you to live with this heart because I can feel mine now; so quickly change from feeling calm to feeling pressured. Literal pressure in my heart. I have to remind myself I have nothing to prove.

I love to write you see, I really do and I just wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

I love to make dance as well, I feel that my work has a place in this world but I wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

And I think…. but this I know is where my need to prove myself holds me back… I think that I know I love to dance too.

I believe I can be abundant, make a lot of money, have a great life … but I wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

It’s in my heart. How did you do it? Repetition is a beautiful escape for me.

Yet at many times in my life I find myself with a chaotic routine in this life.

Where are you ya know? I wonder that.

But then I feel you and I hear you and so I suppose that is… well it just is.

 

Requesting a bear hug please.

Talk soon,

B-

 

Advertisements

Always be mindful of your ability to fly.

My blood is flowing with hot chocolate. Is hot chocolate an acceptable coping mechanism?

I wonder that. It makes me feel cozy. It makes me feel warm and it tastes delicious. It reminds me of being a child and it feels like something that you can look forward to.

It can be served alone or with other things. But it just stands perfectly on its own.

 

I like that.

 

I haven’t been writing lately and I think that’s because I don’t want to write the stuff of emotions and half thoughts. A lot of things have been happening in my life and I haven’t had time to reflect on them. Still haven’t…

But the desire to write is burning within me just like a campfire. It is something that needs to be fed with oxygen yet lately I feel as though I can’t breathe.

So maybe that’s why I don’t write.

We all have lessons we need to learn about ourselves in our lives – right? That’s what I think anyway. And I feel that I am learning lesson after lesson these past few months but not realizing just yet what exactly I have learned. I like to share the stuff of reflection through my fingertips. That’s why I don’t write these days.

This time can be a difficult time for many of us. As much as it can also be such an exciting and beautiful time, when we identify with the emotional wave of life then we can expect to have high-highs and low-lows. It’s only natural. You can’t go up and up and up forever. In the same vein you cannot go down and down and down forever either.

On a microscale though – these days of my life – these past few months- have been up and down by the seconds really. Because I realized that I am identifying with the emotional state of life around me.

No need.

 

There is no need.

We, each and everyone of us. And this is something that I REALLY WANT TO TAKE IN AS I WRITE… please universe… (you know I write these things for me right? I really write these things down because I need to share my stories so I can learn)

So I get caught up in little tiny things – the way another person is feeling, the way someone looked at me, the way a comment in passing made me feel. And then because of that I will go and seek out someone who is super happy to be around, someone who loves me to look at me. Or that same person to comment and just make me feel great.

Well sometimes in life you have to let go of those things. The good ones – right … Sometimes in life you have to let go of those good influences in your life because they either leave, or cannot be with you for good reasons, or pass away. These things happen.

And we have to accept. I have to accept and try my best. But in doing so I realize – if I can learn to cope with letting go of the most beautiful things in this life, for good reason of course (no self-sabotage here please), then why can’t I just let go of the opposite side of the coin?

They are not necessarily the “Bad” things but by default they are in this example because I mentioned letting go of the good things.

The point is – we can fly my friends.

Things are holding us down – good or bad they are all the same. The only difference is how they make us feel. We don’t have to identify so much with our feelings if we can just learn to accept that they will cycle through our lives for our ENTIRE lives… there will never be an end to that because this is how emotions flow. And emotions bring energy. We don’t have to identify with any of that.

So snip those ties and let them fall away. Because what’s left is that you will be able to rise above. Not to be above anyone else, but just to realize that within your own self there is a piece of magic that is always there. Never going anywhere.

And neither are the things/places/people you might detach from/identify with. It’s not to say you cannot have things and places and people in your life. What I’m learning is that all of these things will exist no matter what, but I choose how I see them and I choose how I identify with them. I may detach from family in my own ways but love them just the same. Detaching from the identity I have been given as a child allows me to come back to them as myself and see their love for what it is. Well it almost does lol but that is the hope. I’m learning. You can still be here but not have to be so attached to things that you don’t identify with anymore. Let the things go – if the good things can go and you can survive – let the other things go and you can be free.

 

In this time of wildness – both beauty and grace and pressure and haste – we can choose to snip those ties and to be here enjoying the waves but not surfing them.

I don’t like to surf. I never have. Some people do. Think about it – if you are not meant to be a surfer it’s okay. Because you can still fly. We all can. Every single one of us. Just remember that there are things that are for you in this world and things that aren’t because they are for someone else.

It’s not easy at all some times. Especially around these holiday times. A friend said this to me – “lots of forced family time”. It is true. Many of us come together with our families and it doesn’t always feel harmonious. The harmony lives within each and every one of us though.

A harmony is created by many singing different notes. Different. Notes. Not the same.

 

So the message is this – never be afraid to sing your own note.

 

And always be mindful of your ability to fly. Sever those ties and allow yourself to be free.

 

Happy Holidays with much love,

B-

#SundayStories Walking into the Unknown

That’s it. Walking into the unknown. Today I did a job that I knew that I could do and do well, but I’ve never done it before. And today all day I learned new things that somehow I felt like I already knew when I learned them (some of them anyway). So what it is about walking into the unknown that really scares us?

Me. I should just say me. It scares me. I don’t know if it scares you. But it scares the living (rhymes with spit) out of me. If I really think about it, my biggest fear is dying. I am afraid to die. Why? I kept asking myself why… and the reason is because we actually have no idea what it’s like. It’s completely unknown.

Blahhhhhhhhhh that is freaky isn’t it ?!

But sometimes in life, we can walk into the unknown and embrace it completely. When I have that feeling I think it’s just like I said up there – it’s like I actually already knew it. Feels like… not so unknown in the doing. But really feels unknown in the anticipation or the preparation.

When it doesn’t exist yet it feels unknown. But the second something begins to exist – a thought or an experience or anything really – then the unknown-ness of it just seems to transform into knowing-ness. Are those words? Can you just really make up your own word in the English language by adding a -ness to it?

Sunday-ness. Today has a lot of Sunday-ness. lol what. Anyway I just think that talking about the unknown is really a relief for me because it is one of those things that also can be hard to talk about. Because in a way it’s almost indescribable. It’s that indescribable fear that you don’t have a reason for but you fear it so much, more than anything. It’s the unknown.

I think about all the times that I can express my feelings – very clearly – of fear. It’s not hard for me to admit that I’m scared of something or scared to do something.

But what is rare is my ability to articulate what it is… other than my saying that I’m scared because “I don’t know…”. I add on any number of unknowns that add to my overall fear of just not flipping knowing what the FLIP is going to happen in a certain turn of events.

Well this is why people seem to recommend being here right now… right?

What is there to be afraid of if you are just here right now and only doing what you’re doing right now.

Well basically there s everything to be afraid of in that – because the safety of what’s “known” and “comfortable” disappears the second you decide to commit WHOLLY to everything that is happening right now. Once you do that you relinquish any attachment to knowing what might happen next based on what happened before now.

What a sticky peanut butter with no jelly sandwich. That is sticky man. So sometimes I want a little jelly. And actually the jelly of life is where right now resides. I think anyway.

So how about a jelly sandwich?

I’ve been up since 530 am today.

But it’s Sunday and Sunday is my favorite day of the week. It’s the day that I purposefully set time aside to share and to write and to let my stories flow from my fingertips – from my heart really. I learned in class a few days ago that the nerves up in your thoracic spine are the ones that connect directly to your arms – and that the nerves of your heart connect to your arms. Something like this. I should fact check myself. But the point is that your heart is connected to your arms in a very direct way through our biology. So basically if i just let these words flow out without allowing myself  the time to ponder or to feel like I really have to share something profound, then I type from my heart.

That feels important. Especially in an instance like this where I will say that I felt like I had no idea what I was doing today but also every idea that I knew exactly how to do it and I was able.

How funny is that – I had no idea. Never done it before in my life. But there’s something about knowing yourself that allows you to determine – if you give yourself enough space – whether you know that you can do something or not.

So it’s another duality. Known versus unknown. The scale of one is only defined in its relation to each other.

What happens if the both disappear?

We can just be here I suppose right?

Talk soon,

B-

#SundayStories Where you’ve been and where you’re going

Mentor. Tribe.

These things have been on my head for a long time to be honest. I have been wanting them to come to fruition for me. Everyone keeps talking about finding your tribe and I just am like … why haven’t I found mine yet? I know that I have a lot of people in my life who I love and who love me. Who I can count on and who are a part of my life for different reasons, mostly cuz of who they are. But there is something about the word tribe. The concept of finding your tribe… something about that just seems different.

It’s not just having your family and liking them. Or finding friends and liking them. Or even finding a love and loving that person. I just don’t think it’s the same.

Finding your tribe seems to me to be like finding people who support and also live in what you live in.

Tribe … your tribe is your soul collective.

Where is mine? I can’t help but wonder. And then I went to a talk today where the theme was exploration of indigenous culture and I just listened to these people talk about how they live their culture and associate with their culture. How big a part of their lives it is and how they appreciate the ability to share it.

One thing really stuck out to me – they all have a tribe. And their tribe is not just the people who they were born into, but it happens to be that they also chose to continue to be a part of that tribe because they all seem to flow with one another.

And I think because of that – each of the presenters… also found that they could include each other in their tribe.

So this is to do with your soul’s purpose. Isn’t it? Your tribe.

I don’t think I have found mine. Do you have to be clear about what your about before you can find your tribe? I don’t know. But what I do know is that whatever I tell myself is that either frees or restricts me in my perception of my reality.

I remember reading once (on instagram – idilionaire) – that our reality never changes – it is always the same. And that it is how we feel inside that colors our perception of our reality.

So I thought to myself this morning – I really need more time for silence in my life. Silence to receive the answers. Because there are some universal truths that we all know. Our souls collectively know them. And I think that if I can find out what mine are – and live them truly and authentically – then I will attract my tribe and they will attract me.

The next thing – mentor. GODDDDDD when I was a child and even still to this day I would have daydreams of someone just seeing something in me. Wanting to invest in me and teach me what they knew of their expertise. Of course it woudl be an expertise that I was pursuing as well. WHen I was young it was always in Irish dance. Someone would just see my hard work, passion and dedication. Someone would appreciate my skill and someone would take it upon themselves to push me to my fullest potential.

I found the opposite for a lot of my life so far in a lot of different areas. I have always pushed myself. I haven’t ever felt like I had someone else to look to or someone else whom I could converse with in that type of relationship.

I am dying for it. And to be honest with you, the only reason I did without it and still do without it is because I feel I don’t have a choice. But I swear to you if I had a choice I’d have someone by my side always. Because I believe that in order to know where you are going you have to know where you come from.

Who else do you join at the dinner table? Who is seated at the table of your purpose? Who is seated at the table of your perspective on life?

I just wish. I still wish it. That I could come across someone(s) who I can have this relationship with. I have come across a few people so far in my life. But I don’t know. It doesn’t seem as easy to create that kind of a relationship when the person is actually there because it feels like it needs to be mutual.

So far it hasn’t been. So do I need to get clear? I’m not sure.

I know though that I need to get silent. Because I heard the truest statement I’ve heard in a long time today from someone at this talk – in different words – my own words – Basically you need a mentor to teach you where you’ve come from and in doing so then you can consider yourself a true person of the craft you are trying to pursue.

In writing that I am fighting it. But how can I? When you see someone or some thing that is so rich in tradition and culture, how can you fight its existence?

How do we make something novel without knowing what already exists?

Well sometimes I want to and feel like I need to shut myself off from everything to be in my own space and create.

But what happens when I don’t? When i don’t need that? Or when I want something else?

A mentor could be there. A tribe could be there.

Who is your mentor? Who’s in your tribe?

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

#SundayStories Face to face

When we learn to face our fears, we learn to observe our thoughts and feelings but not be ruled by them.

Madisyn Taylor of Daily Om – I get their newsletter and so I get a daily inspiration from Madisyn everyday. She uses amazing photographs by the way. You could subscribe to DailyOm.com if you ever wanted to see what I’m talking about.

Another freewrite is in the midst because I am trying to connect with the parts of myself that really want to be heard you know? The parts of me that want to write and really write – about what it actually is that is going on inside the vast universe of one human body, only to be enclosed by layers upon layers of what we think we should be – from our clothes to our opinions and beliefs – they all just blanket our universe.

So I decided to face my fears today – I am going to write about this quote above and let my writing be inspired by it. I’m not going to stop because that is the point of a freewrite and I just think that if I do this then maybe things will come out that have been waiting – behind the fears – to come out. Facing my fears seems to be a theme for this year. But what I actually think it is, underneath that mental blanket of fear – is learning to communicate better. Communicating the way I know I can. Starting with speaking my truth and valuing myself. Why is it so hard to value myself? IT’s really a weird thing because I am catching up on all my DailyOM articles this morning, and realizing I didn’t write yesterday – I always write on Sundays- and then immediately start to feel bad about myself inside – I immediately start to go – oh you said you were going to do that why didn’t you? You have to commit to things or else what is the point? Etc etc. So now I am here and I’m like … hmmm I don’t need to be controlled by that.

What is it about these rules that we place on ourselves that actually keep us grounded and small? They are disguised as “safe” and even for me they are disguised as “knowing myself” but really I think it’s just knowing myself in the sense that I created this smaller version of me, that the world could handle – but this is all in my own opinion. Because of what…? You know?

Why did I decide on behalf of myself, before even trying, that certain things had to be a certain way and that I was a certain way or that I am a certain way?

Being the witness in your own mind. It’s a scary thing. Louise Hay – in my meditation – she talks about cleaning out the mental trash so if you want to do that you have to actually look and see what’s there. I think this is similar to being the witness in your own mind. Or observing your thoughts and feelings and not being ruled by them. I let myself be ruled by things and I also let myself feel like it’s because of other people who are important to me. That i have to be a certain way because that’s who and how I am around people who are a part of my life.

But it’s me. Isn’t it always us at the end of the day? Whatever stems in your life that you want to change or that you realize is not right or is actually absolutely perfect – it all comes from you in the end, doesn’t it?

How many thousands of excuses do you think the world’s whispers have carried of people who are simply just afraid of what and who they are? I have contributed so many and I know that now because I want to sit down here and write this shit out for myself and contribute these truths to those whispers.

I am afraid. Afraid of talking about what really matters to me without disguising it as something that “isn’t important” because to other people it isn’t important. Or so I assume. Money for example – Important to everyone right? Well I don’t know. To me it’s getting there. But only because I am starting to see money as value. And value as how we negotiate things in this world. And also realizing that one of the biggest things is that I don’t like to spend money on myself. So if I don’t value money and I don’t spend money on myself – what kind of value to I have for myself?

I work in silence sometimes. But actually the silence is so loud. Full of those whispers. So now I’m thinking – what if I work out loud – speak the things that I want to hear and then where do the whispers go? Surely they go. Eventually they go.

So maybe that’s the next step. Working out loud. So out loud, to whomever I want, today I will speak what I want and what I think. At least once. Now don’t get me wrong – I spend my days doing this as many times as possible. But only in certain aspects of my life. Hiding from what I really want to talk about – which is me. Doesn’t everyone? just really want to talk about themselves? To know yourself is to know everyone else. I really believe that. And it doesn’t mean that you literally know every single other person. It means that to know yourself… in knowing yourself, you can begin to understand what we are as a human race. Knowing yourself you can know one part in a whole. That whole is always in existence. It never exists without one of it’s parts.

So how is that for being important?

Sometimes we need to reflect and sometimes we just need to write.

Talk soon,

B-

 

**PC goes to H+ The Hip Hop Dance Conservatory for this lovely photo.