In the meantime

Sliding. Legs open, rustling, the sound of hands on paper- what’s that noise?

Clear glass enveloping minimal sounds and closing out the actual volume of outside activity. Rough. At times. Silence at times. Is anything ever silent or do we just become numb to things?

Isn’t there just … a constant humming… a bit of shuffling… a sliding sensation

Eyes closed. In my left ear I hear … kids laughing. They play. The hum of busy streets. Cars passing by.

Eyes closed. In my right ear I hear … buzzing, humming, stereo. Shuffling. Stillness.

A bug hits the window. My eyes open.

Sensation. Vibration. Transfer of energy. Being intercepted.

And where does it hit me. It is about me. This is how I listen. I is physical if its imagined – things go through me.

How do we listen? How can we open up in the listening?

In the meantime… there is something about the meantime that implies waiting. But what if it just involves listening and being? Why would we wait?

wait – v. to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens (often followed by for, till, or until)

wait – v. to remain neglected for a time

meantime – n. the intervening time or period, as between events

Well it just sounds like a waste of time when you look at it like that. Inactive, neglected – no thank you. So why not fill the meantime with presence and activity.

I am saying this because I have spent a lot of time waiting over these past couple of months. Battling the waiting to be honest because I am anticipating a series of events (that are happening quite soon – next week to be exact) and I am quite nervous about the turn of these events. So nervous that if I allow myself to think about it properly I could cry.

But in the meantime I still have to be here. Because they aren’t happening yet. And when they do I will be well able for whatever the present moment brings. So long as I am there in the present moment. Usually when things cause a person great stress leading up to the thing – the presence during the thing is magnified.

Well I’d like to take that magnifying glass and tip it right back to this very moment. And magnify the meantime. What would you do in the meantime, if you could see the meantime as invaluable?

*The excerpt at the beginning of this post was prompted in a choreographic mentorship called Make & Move by a colleague named Sarah Ryan. The rest was inspired by a good friend of mine, and by life as I know it to be (so far of course). 

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Sometimes I get frustrated

I feel sorry. I feel sorry and I feel that I need to apologize. So I am sorry. I am sorry.

Sorry that I feel like I have figured things out and have allowed myself to compare myself to others because of the way I think and feel. Sorry that I compare my present self to past selves in order to force myself to continue to “be better”.

Sorry that I say things that perhaps I don’t quite understand because I am still attached to the idea of them. By this I mean that I really do believe the things I say and write about… but perhaps my lack of fully accepting them and surrendering to the simplicity of these things is caught up by how it makes me feel to realize that I am capable of believing things that go beyond what I thought that this life was about.

Pouring all of this out somehow makes me feel grateful. Grateful to the existence of everyone else that I feel the need to compare myself to. Not for the comparing bit but because of the fact that we are all here and that simple fact is driving me … now (since yesterday probably) to find space. Space within myself. The space where I am. I just am. I be.

If we can find the space where we can just be, if I can… and when I do (after the torture is over) then I can really approach every moment with no judgements. This is freedom of being.

Imagine a scenario where you could interact with a person as a completely blank canvas and yet still fully yourself. Imagine you could shatter the bubble (glass bubble I’m thinking) of the ego – of the idea of the self and the attachments that fuel what this image is made up of – and just be present with another being. If you could just burst that bubble and along with it any attachment to this world of dualities – happy/sad, rich/poor, fat/skinny, gay/straight, religious/non-religious, political/non-political. They are all one in the same.

They are all a part of this world that we as a human race have created. But what happens if you can find a way to acknowledge it and your place within it all, but remain committed to being here right now with no attachment to any of that at all? It is still a part of who you are but it is not you.

These are for me. And for you if you want. But somehow I feel I have to share them in this way in order for them to really be for me.

I am stuck on this – if I can accept now, then each moment is new and exists without judgement. If I don’t, then tomorrow is already filled with and by today.

Tainted. Why – when we are born a blank canvas… do we fill the need to fill it up? What is so scary about being blank.

Even though it is blank it is still full. Otherwise it wouldn’t exist.

Feeling supported tonight by the cyber world and grateful for that.

Talk soon,

B-

Todays and tomorrows …

Does anyone else feel scared to be here?

It scares me so much sometimes to be here on this planet because it feels like there’s something to make sense of that is so great and in the meantime, the time that passes without me figuring it out, I am torturing myself.

I feel like I’m just missing out on something. There is something that I don’t get. A few things make me feel like I get it. Because these things make me feel alive. They make me feel here, as here as I am.

Because I am here. So are we all. We are just here. And isn’t that enough?

Yesterday I went to see Eckhart Tolle. Today I am here. In this moment I am upset. I am upset because I am not sure what to do with myself. What does that even mean though? I am already here so isn’t that enough? This I really believe but it’s like I don’t know it from experience yet. So until then I suffer.

He has it figured out ^^. Rising above thought. That is what he has figured out.

Falling below thought – some of us do it through drugs and alcohol. Some of us through excessive exercise, reading, eating, writing (hello), scrolling… anything to “take our minds off of things”. Anything to get us close to that feeling of just being.

Isn’t it enough to just be here? Isn’t it? It is. This I really believe but there are so many moments where I realize I’m doubting or I’m scared to accept what I already know to be true.

But what about this … if we just stopped. If we all stopped trying to control everything and “make something out of ourselves” – wouldn’t we all still be here? For the most part, yes. No one would die if we stopped trying to control our lives so heavily.

So why don’t we?

Why can’t I? I feel like I’m ready. But if I do then there’s just me. I have to be. In order to be – that happens within me. And who wants to be on their own … not me. I really don’t want to – it’s got me so damn scared and uncomfortable and feeling like I don’t belong. I really do feel like I don’t belong.

Does anyone else feel like they just don’t belong?

But what is belonging… Longing to be … eh? LONGING TO BE. Wow.

So I literally feel like I don’t belong. I’m not longing to be. Why am I not doing that?

Because it’s just so simple isn’t it… to just be. I have moments. Eckhart spoke about these moments yesterday and I want to share. You know those moments where you realize something after the fact… those moments where you realize you are having a thought or an experience? That is the moment when you can be sure that previous to that thought or realization you were in a space above thought – a space that he says is the Kingdom of Heaven – the dimension of spaciousness. Where you can just be.

I used to feel like I had to process everything in order to “get it”. Used to pride myself on my ability to understand things and so this made me feel intelligent and made me feel like I had purpose in the world.

I also used to think that I had to plan my life out a certain way and that this was the point of existing – to plan your life well and to succeed in accomplishing your plan.

But following that idea was hurting me. And it still is. I am still meddling in that because I feel attached. Attached to my own ego really. And attached to what other people who I love think that life is about and how they are living their lives around me.

I’m feeling called to share.

What if we didn’t plan?

What are the components of being human?

Who controls your life?

What if you said no?

What if you said yes?

What are you attached to?

What if we just accepted that we exist?

What if we didn’t force our hand to ensure that our existence matters (… because it already does or we wouldn’t be here)?

What if we just let ourselves receive and accept that we can do this without thinking?

Talk soon

B-

Look how you feel…?

Sometimes I take photos of myself … well I know we all take photos of ourselves lol but sometimes I take photos of myself and I am actually surprised at what they look like. Sometimes its a welcome surprise and other times its not.

But all the time I am me … right?

What does that look like…? You know I never really feel like I care about what I look like until I have a moment where I don’t like what I see. So what is that about?

The most beautiful people look exactly how they feel. This is my opinion of course. But think about this… if you just look at a person and they are so genuinely happy they look happy. That’s a simple example.

But then when it comes to what’s beautiful well that’s another story because beauty is a judgement call. Based on standards. What are yours? What are mine? My standards of myself are quite harsh if I’m honest. And then this is when I don’t like what I see. And I think… well I don’t like that because that is not what I feel like I look like.

Well this is what I want to start asking myself… is it what I feel like? Because if I care for myself and I feel healthy and calm inside I will look like that surely. If everything is connected… why isn’t it that simple? Surely it is. How you feel on the inside is how you will look on the outside.

Today I had a moment of overwhelm in a public place. I cried on a bridge. I just felt so bad inside, I knew I looked it as well because it was affecting the way that people were feeling around me, and I had to get it out. I released what I was feeling on the inside so that it wouldn’t affect the way I looked on the outside. This is how I see it now.

Hmm… this thought feels incomplete but for now I will just leave it at this.

“What do I feel like?” How I feel is how I look.

Talk soon,

B-

Candlelight and showers

It has been raining on and off all day. Since I woke at 830 am. In between showers though is the most beautiful sunshine coming through the clouds. This place – Limerick, Ireland – is magical and mysterious.

I’ve been writing so much lately that it is starting to heal me. It’s starting to give me inner peace – the kind that I’ve been after for what feels like lifetimes.

Passing showers are such a beautiful state. Of weather, of being, of living – could all be seen as a passing shower really. But there are times in life, like where I am at right now – where everything feels like a passing shower. Bursts of extremely different activity. Different locations, different atmospheres, different interactions, different people to be with and around.

I’ve been living through passing showers for months now and today I can see the sunshine coming through the clouds. I will be leaving one place and going to another. As this shower clears the sun is guiding my way.

There’s something of value in the idea of things coming in bursts. What does it mean to sustain? Sometimes I think that in order to sustain ourselves, to be here now, to be doing and recreating the same thing – something has to change. Actually I believe this. I really do believe that in order for me to live the constancy of life that I have to be always changing – which is another way of just being here now – always present and receptive to what this very moment brings.

Commit to things and let go of all the rest. In doing so, I believe that we can allow ourselves to be free within our commitments. Of expectations, of past experiences, of responsibilities, of delivering, of being a certain way. Free to just completely be in our commitments. As I write this I read what I am writing and I feel the necessity to remember this because I need it. And I need it to be here. On this white page.

Talk soon

B-

Take a moment…

How long is a moment? You know…?

How long is a moment? A moment in time is only called a moment because it is significant. Otherwise it is called a second, a minute, an hour… a period of time.

But a moment is more than a period of time. A moment requires a recognition. I can’t call something a moment unless I am taking or having a moment. There is a piece of me in every moment. And I am in every second. But there is every single piece… all of me… in a moment.

So I feel I need to take a moment. As many moments as I can actually. I want my minutes, hours, days, weeks and years to be filled with moments. All it takes is all of me. To be here now. In this moment.

Otherwise time passes and we are less than present.

Moments like these… when I have the time to sit and write by candlelight – without distractions, off of Facebook and away from my phone… are few the moments that make up my memories of the time that we have to spend.

The rest of my moments have to do with being around my loved ones. Have to do with doing what I love – creating, performing, cooking, eating, living my art and heart…my heart’s desires.

I could write all day – and I feel that it’s simply because it allows me to take a moment and string it to the next moment via the words that are pulsating out of my fingertips on to this white blank canvas. Allowing me to color the page. Just the same way that I chase after the colors that make up white in my art, my writing allows me to color this white page with the fruits of my moments.

This moment… I am particularly grateful for. So I aim to take as many moments as I can and offer the opportunity for people to come and join me in taking moments. We can all sit together if you’d like. I would like that.

Talk soon,

B-

Visiting. Coming. Going. Staying. Leaving.

I flossed my teeth this morning. It was very painful and my gums were bleeding quite a bit. A while back, I made a really good habit of flossing daily. It was something I did for myself and it really made a difference to my daily life believe it or not.

Somewhere along the line I stopped. I stopped doing that for myself. But today on the 5th of July I started again. This day is significant in my life believe it or not – I didn’t realize it until I looked at my Facebook memories. A year ago today I moved out of my house and into the house I live in now. Five years ago today a very special person in my life booked flights to visit me and what followed changed my life significantly. And in the present moment today is my last full day home before I head back to Ireland.

It’s a funny feeling, feeling like a visitor in my homeplace. I was thinking about it in my half sleep this morning – that phrase – home is where your heart is. And just reflecting on my journey over the past 4/5 years since Ireland has become a part of my life.

My heart was always in Jersey. Until I discovered Ireland and my spirit soul felt free and light. Being in Ireland allowed me to connect more deeply with the deepest parts of who I am. And since then I have felt my heart was there. So that’s the funny thing – home is where the heart is – my heart and home were in Jersey and then my heart and subsequently my home were in Ireland and this morning it hit me – my heart is in me. So my home should be where my heart is – and I should be able to feel at home in myself.

I don’t. And so because of that I am in a predicament where I feel like a visitor everywhere. And a native nowhere. I spoke out loud this morning a desire for everyone who I love to just know exactly how much I love them. Because it overwhelms me on a daily basis and this is why I find it so hard to come and go. So this is to all of my special friends and family who I know and love:

I wish that you could know, how your being gives me purpose. I wish you could feel the love that I have in my heart and gratitude for your existence that I feel every single day. I wish that I had a million hours in the day to spend with you, talking with you and laughing with you, reminiscing with you and pondering life with you.

Know that I want the absolute best for you and that I want to be able to be a part of your life, in any way that is meaningful to both you and I. Know that I am absolutely terrified of ever losing you, disappointing you or hurting your feelings. And please know that I think the world of you and I appreciate and acknowledge both the life you have lived and are creating for yourself.

I wish peace and joy for you, always.

Why am I writing this? Well because I feel like I have to so that I can let go. Let go of the responsibility, guilt and torture. I am torturing myself and wrecked with guilt every day, hurting deeply every day over things. Coming back home to these feelings is very hard. Leaving before I’ve dealt with them properly is even harder. And staying this whole time while feeling this way has been slightly torturous.

I love being home. I love seeing my family and friends. So so so very much. But I am facing a terrible storm inside every time I am home. And it’s so hard to acknowledge it because it makes me feel like I don’t belong. It makes me feel unloved and uncared for.

It reveals to me how I feel about myself. I don’t feel this way when I am in Ireland. I am never embarrassed of who I am over there or afraid to act how I want to act in case it might make someone else feel uncomfortable. So to come home and feel these things reveals deep revelations to me about my humanity.

The truth is that I am hurting so much to leave this place that I have called home for so long, with these people who I love so much. But I am also hurting to realize that I am not looking forward to the time alone that is upcoming for me. The time apart from the people who have been so invested in me has been such a blessing for me. But now as I return to that I am realizing that I still have yet to fully learn how to use that to become more invested in myself. That is my missing link. That is what leaves me feeling unloved, uncared for and scared to be on my own. It also leaves me scared to return because I don’t want to fall back into the patterns of using my beautiful network to fill the void.

I also have to say some things to some people that I am afraid to say. I am so afraid to speak my mind. Where did this come from? I just don’t know. But holding it in is hurting me. And avoiding these conversations is hurting my relationships. Having this hanging around right before my departure to the Emerald Isle is distressing to me. So perhaps I can find a way to say them here. To some family members I need to say – I wish that you could see how much I am hurting over the new realities and the old wounds uncovered. Because of this I pray on my own for peace in my heart and life but also can’t help but have a desire for things to change for the better. But in truth I am suffering greatly and I hope that you do not take any offense to this because I need a bit of space now. I hope that when I return that we can discuss the things that are important to me without pressure and most importantly with enough time for me to stick around to continue the conversation and for us to work through the consequences together. 

These days I just find my mind to be filled with so many thoughts and plans and schemes in order to fit everything in. I feel so much pressure and then I feel good about myself when I have managed to fit it all in. But the truth is I am longing for the life with balance. Balance with time for me and time for you (all the special yous in my life) and time for making spontaneous decisions and running with the day. It is neither here (Jersey) nor there anymore (Ireland).

This realization hits me deeply. And hard. But letting it go here lightens my load slightly. I follow a spiritual mentor who pulls Angel Cards daily and shares them on Instagram. This morning the card was Meditation. Yesterday the card was Author. There is a message for me that has to do with writing, and with making quiet time to listen to messages that are being sent.

So this morning/afternoon I tried to listen. And all of this was ready to come out. Thank goodness to be honest because it feels so hard to hold all the hurt inside. Lighter. A bit lighter now.

B-

Why I write (part 1 of many perhaps…)

I don’t normally do this… actually I’ve never done this. But what I wrote this morning in my journal is something I would like to share for the first time. (Ever. ever ever. Dun dun dun.)

Stopped writing or a few days and a storm started brewing inside. My meditation this morning was about trusting my core self. And Doreen’s cards were about listening to your intuition and intuitive guidance. Why does that feel so hard? It really feels like I’m torturing myself. This world has so many possibilities so it makes me feel like I really can do anything.

And I think my ego has guided me in the past to do whatever it takes to follow through with what I said. Probably because that is attached to how people will view me. And – I was going to write –> “But what about how I view myself?” BUT … What I really just need is –> What bout who I am? How I am? I am. That is enough.

I have read that. Writing allows me to be because it focuses the ego and the mind.

Why is it so hard to make choices? I feel disconnected from what I already know about myself so then when faced with a million options I consider them all. And it seems like my ego weighs them up. But then there’s the spirit soul just being underneath that, with all the answers. She wades in a pool of knowing as the rays of intuition shine down on her to keep her glowing. She’ll never leave because where she is, the universe supports her eternal life. And she drinks from the pool when famished. So she knows.

That is inside of me. Just underneath the ego. Closer to my heart. I read somewhere … The book is called The Journey of Self Discovery– its my newest adventure – This line –> “Study yourself.”

We are all a microcosm of this place. If we know ourselves and we study what’s already here, we can affect change by being our best selves. What is the point of putting on another costume, thinking we are making a difference, when really there is just another layer added to the ego that lengthens the journey to our spirit?

I don’t like to make these statements but I feel this one is coming from a deep place – Intention is everything. If I study myself I can act with clear intentions and make my biggest effect. And hopefully it allows me to have an easier time making choices, too.

Talk soon,

 

B-

Setting my desires free

This picture is of a painting that is transformative. Behind it are all of my desires for the next few months. I used to think that by writing them down and looking at them, by being reminded of them I could make them come true for myself.

Then after receiving some responses back – a few no’s as I mentioned, I looked at this vision board – full of “visions” of things that weren’t meant for me and then it all just looked like a list of things that I was trying to make happen. Then I thought… maybe I wasn’t in charge of what was meant to happen.

So I acknowledged myself and my desires. And then I decided to set them free. I just know that things happen for a reason and when I’m ready, I will receive experiences. I know that. So what am I doing trying to force my hand on life? I’ve expressed my desires and I have asked for what I would like. But I know and I think that there are others who feel this way, that I don’t always know what’s best for me. The universe needs to work through me.

I read somewhere… something about doing things with intention. So I painted yesterday again… with the intention of setting these desires free. I admit I still have some humanly hope that they will all come true. But it felt better to let them go, it really did. Now the next step for me is to work on the trusting bit. Trusting that the path that I am on is one I will be guided through and that I don’t have to make things happen.

It is my understanding that people seem to believe that life has to be hard in order for it to be good. That we have to suffer in order to be happy. To that… I have many things that I say to myself and the one I can share is this: Perspective is everything. Peace is powerful.

So yeah… I feel better now after setting some things free. It feels a bit more okay to be here. Like that is enough.

Talk soon

B-

Make art even if no one is watching.

Make art especially if no one is watching. How about that?

I recently heard someone say – we learn best through stories.

Why is it that we hold ourselves back until we find something that makes us feel validated?

Do things for the sake of doing them.

I recently experienced a deep-seated sadness and fear, I didn’t know myself.

Why is it that I feel like I have to know myself… why cant I just be myself?

Be here because that is enough. No one else can be you, here.

I recently thought a recurring thought… my mind is going to kill me.

Why is it that I feel the need to think everything… why can’t I just experience it?

We are more than our minds.

Body.

Soul.

Spirit.

I recently realized that my work life and personal life are becoming more connected.

Why is it that I felt like I had to keep things compartmentalized?

Life is not meant to be lived in a box. The soul is abstract.

I recently cried so hard that I felt like my body would explode.

Why is it that it scares me to cry that much?

If my body explodes – it allows me space for my soul to be freed.

Free your soul. Free your soul. Free your soul. 

 

That might be a welcomed change. I would be lying if I said this writing is not inspired. I have been recently very deeply moved by the actions of people around me and the settling of the dust in my life. To those who fear that their mind may be getting the best of them, those who push their bodies to their limits because they fear they’d be nothing without them, for what it’s worth – I believe that your soul is infinite just like all of ours and that no matter what physicality or mentality tries to keep us down, we are meant to be freed. Free your soul. Dive into yourself. And if you want a friend, you can find one in me.

Talk soon,

 

B-