Learning vs transforming

I went for a walk today and it took me a lot of time to convince myself to get out there. But once I did it was like someone let the lid off a steaming pot of word stew because I went OFF. Couldn’t stop talking to my pals in the universe.

I knew I was also going to be writing today because I visualized my day and writing was a part of it. But as I was walking to my sacred space, I admitted that I had no idea what I was going to write today. I also admit that as these words come from my finger tips I still have no idea what I am going to write.

 

So what is an idea then? Conscious or unconscious? Subconscious.

This is what I want to ponder. I made time for pondering last week – 2 hours in the studio. It felt like SUCH a luxury. So I will do it again this week. And I will do it every week – the cost of it will replace the cost of what I was spending previously to do something else dance related.

It makes sense.

Logic is conscious. This is what I think – Logic is conscious and feeling is subconscious.

It’s not only what I think – I have been influenced heavily by a talk I listened to today by the beautiful Marisa Peer.

So she mentioned something about the subconscious mind being the feeling mind.

It stuck. Learning versus transformation – learning is momentary while transformation is forever.

Here is the thing – I think about owning the learning. That is transformation. I spent the past 6 years learning. Now I feel I am transforming. And for this… I am grateful.

I have so many thoughts in a day you see – and I use to just let them go like crazy. But now I am taking charge of them. I am guiding them toward what I want the inner landscape of my mind to be filled with.

So I love everyone. I literally love everyone around me. I always have, but it has happened again – what I used to feel when I was a child. I watched American Idol this evening, first of all… I know someone who would LITERALLY WIN OVER THE HEARTS OF MILLIONS if she got on this show. I don’t know if you can do it if you aren’t from the USA but honestly – if you are reading this… you are a star.

I loved EVERY single person they showed on the show. Like genuinely loved them, just feel like I am in love with humanity again. I want that. I want that in my life because I want to receive that back and I want to make that contribution. It’s just like this – what kind of a contribution do you want to make to the collective energy?

I always think about that – except now I really feel like I understand what it means to act upon what I wish my contribution to be.

It really means cutting out a LOT of bullspit. A lot. A lot of it coming from old thought patterns and habits, wrong beliefs and limited beliefs, victimizing myself in my life, being around people who make me feel less than amazing… so many things.

Life is short. Eat the sprinkles. I wrote this tonight on instagram… but honestly – its like.. if everything in my life isn’t the sprinkles then what can I do about it?

I used to say to an ex of mine – you always have a choice. I don’t know if we ever agreed but I know she remembered it. It sometimes comes up still. We are friends now yes.

Shout out to my exes honestly – I think they are both amazing people. Simply amazing.

 

So this is what I tell myself:

You always have a choice. You ALWAYS have a choice. Until you don’t.

You can choose what you think. This affects what you see. What you don’t choose is what happens to you when you think something you don’t want to think.

 

I am focusing on being my best self. And I am working towards daydreaming again. When my day dreams are clear then I know what I need to do. Sundays are the best days for being in love with life. But it’s not only Sundays that allow me to feel that way because now I can feel it inside of me. A love for life that I haven’t quite connected with in a while if only for a few moments.

Ireland helped me feel that way more often. Way more often. What a beautiful place with beautiful people.

Sometimes I sit down here to do this and I know I want to write for you. Sometimes I know I want to write for me.

 

Today I just feel like … I want to write. I will say this – I have daydreams about being in some beautiful country home, with a cup of tea and a laptop, writing away till my heart’s content. Passing the hours infinitely through the presence of fingertips to keys.

I feel like my writing is for you as much as it is for me. It’s for us. Because it helps me to feel like I am making the contribution that I want to make to this world.

It’s the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae of my life. On a Sunday. Pondering all the while, wondering if I will ever see anyone I know on American Idol.

Talk soon,

B-

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Truth vs reality

Today the first words I spoke were “thank you”.

Then I began to notice that the next four or five times I opened my mouth to speak it was to say thank you or “you’re welcome”.

I walked up to yoga training in absolute reverence for the beauty of those interactions. How lucky am I to have so many things to be thankful for in the first hour of my day.

On my walk I saw a cab completely run over two seagulls. There was a flock of them flying around 9th avenue- I thought that was so beautiful and rare.

The cab completely drove over them as if they weren’t there. I cried for a few blocks as I walked. I kept looking back to see the one seagull who had really been flipped, he was in shock. Just standing there. Neither died, that I know of.

I’m grateful that I allowed myself to be how I felt in that moment.

All too often my vocal chords are sore from holding back tears. Do you ever feel that way? Like your throat hurts – not a sore throat per se but a strained throat.

I felt it this evening while watching Queer Eye on Netflix.

I wonder why I hold myself back from crying. I grew up learning that crying was dramatic and that it didn’t solve any problems, that it only just made things worse for other people if I cried.

It felt so cathartic though to cry over the birds. It feels like a release of trauma. So trauma doesn’t turn into ama – unresolved.

The truth does not always set one free. Holding back the truth of the moment never sets one free. So if you can’t let out the truth of the moment what do you do?

Find gratitude hunnayyyy.

Well this is what I discovered today – even if something is true that doesn’t mean it needs to be in my life if i want something better. We don’t have to accept what is true id what is true isn’t what we want out of life. Acknowledge yes. Accept- not my fairy tale. If it’s not what I want, it needs to be replaced.

So I cried over the beautiful birds. I don’t always let myself be in this way.

I want to give myself a voice though. So here is what I have done today – spoken gratitude over the situation that I cannot control. Gratitude for what is and for what I want to perceive. Learning to believe it until I see it. Creating my reality based on the possibilities of what I can imagine. Sometimes what already exists – the “truth” is not what we want to be our truth. So …byeeeeeeee… ya know ?

Giving myself my own truths. Speak upon them until they appear.

Many many things have arisen today. But what I keep coming back to is this – what happens if the first words we all spoke everyday were – Thank You.

Sincerely,

B

Do you have the time…

Do you have the time to stop and wonder?

-Sarah Baker

I’m wondering about wondering now… meta-wondering. I am reading through a new magazine these days, it’s called Bella Grace magazine. My mom bought it for me and I think maybe she’s on to something. These people seem to be like me.

Sarah Baker asked me this morning – “Do you have the time to stop and wonder?”

That struck me big time. I wonder if I have the time to stop and wonder hahaha I think I do! And I think I do it very often.

But for me it’s not often enough with all of the other things that require me to create a life that keeps me in a home and allows me to experience things of value. Value being ascribed by money a lot of the times.

Wonder is priceless. Daydreaming is priceless.

People say sometimes to me… a daydream is just that – a dream and a goal is a reality.

But I say to them … the mind doesn’t actually know the difference between a daydream and a goal. It knows what you think about. And if you don’t direct it to the wonderings, to the daydreams, your mind will think anyway. Unless you have achieved enlightenment and you can have a life with no thought. A life with a mind as a passenger. That is the DREAM hahah! The absolute dream.

But anyway, do you have the time to stop and wonder…? Do you value the idea that your mind will think no matter what and perhaps you might be able to guide your thinking towards the things you wonder about, the things you would love in your life?

Indulge your senses every once in a while, by really being present. And allow your thoughts to be no more than ponderings, observances. See what happens.

This is something I like to do – I carry two stones in my jacket pockets for this reason alone.

Holding something in my hand focuses my mind on that thing. Which frees my attention to go elsewhere and create my thoughts a bit more carefully.

Can everything be going in the same direction all at once?

Another literary mentor of mine, Mark Nepo, wrote in this morning’s meditation about Straying. That straying from where we are to where we are thinking about creates a tension in our lives because our attention is now split.

Here’s to one focus. Here’s to fully living in where we are.

But B… what happens if we aren’t happy where we are?

FOR REALLL AMEN I HEAR YOUUUUUUU PREACH SISTAHS AND BROTHAHSSSSSS.

 

Seriously. I know.

Things can be tough, you are working jobs you don’t really wanna be in just to make money, you are not sure what you want to do with your life when everyone around you seems to just know this one thing they want or have an amazing set up in life with no complications.

 

All of these things are comparison. All of these things, I am learning… take me out of my attention and create tension. Split attention = tension.

Can we be, fully SO fully where we are that we are so grateful for this moment, enough to trust that because of that, the next moment can bring absolutely ANYTHING.

 

Think about this – how long does it take for an email to arrive in your inbox? If I send you an email at 8:45 you will receive it at 8:45.

In an instant. (Unless you are working with my gmail which has been feeling the pressure lately and maybe trying to monotask like me hahaha)

But honestly – that email could say – CONGRATULATIONS you have gotten that great thing you wanted to get, we are delighted to have you.

In an INSTANT. Right?

If we have the ability to relate to that in email, why can’t we trust that the Universe can deliver the same, in the fullness of each moment?

This is the catch – you have to REALLY be there. This is something I am really working on – if I can REALLY REALLY be in this moment, fully. All of my body, my mind and my spirit is here right now, what could happen?

 

When I was little, I think I’ve written about this before – I used to get tears in  my eyes when I would think about how exciting it is that anything could happen at any moment. The second I would do that my entire being would liven up -just super tuned in to what was going on around me. With the beautifully innocent expectation of miracles any second.

Well now I am allowing that innocence to transform to faith.

Can I now, believe that anything could happen at any moment with the beautifully faithful and loving gratitude of deserving it?

Let’s gooooo.

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

SKETCH ABOVE – by the talented Adriano Moraes

A savage and a sweetheart

She is an old soul with a new style,who wears black and speaks her mind. So powerful, she leaves her prints on everyone she touches because she is both: A Savage and a Sweetheart. – S. Menutt

I resonate deeply with this quote. Sometimes I feel more like a savage in my inner life and a sweetheart in my outer life. I want to flip the script.

I deserve more sweetness in my inner landscape. Practicing compassion and kindness with myself. Doing nice things for myself. Allowing myself the gift of patience and the luxury of time unplanned.

For me. And let that savagery out in the wild where it belongs – using it to chart my path unafraid and finding my pack.

Wolves are savage. Aren’t they? Fierce, Ferocious, Untamed.

Let’s gooooooo. Doesn’t that sound so freeing? Just a little bit more of that in my outer life please.

Finding a balance is not about taking out excess. It is about shifting excess in one realm to lack in another and vice versa. Balance is about giving a gift to one and receiving a gift of less, and on the other hand receiving a gift that fills a need.

Something like this anyway. My inner landscape is like … a gnarly jungle that has a forest in the middle that is so tree-covered and riddled with beautiful greenery. Doesn’t sound beautiful but it really is… so beautifully untamed in parts that it is really hard to know how to begin to enter and explore.

My outer landscape is composed… and suffering. My inner landscape is also suffering because the chaos that needs to be set free to be picked up by complimentary energies in the world is staying inside. It is stuck inside.

Everything is not about what it appears to be.

I used to avoid brushing my hair at all times. When I was a child my grandmother would beg me to brush my hair saying that I looked wild if I didn’t. I needed that.

I needed to just let my hair be what it was. Free and wild and growing beautifully on it’s own without being tamed or molded or even criticized. I admired it. Always.

Now I still don’t brush my hair, only in the shower. Only when I am taking time to cleanse, reconnect and recharge my energy in the shower do I tend to my hair in a way that makes me feel excited to see what happens when I get out and let my hair dry.

It’s these little wild things. The things that are meant to be swept up by the world, caught up in something beautiful and bigger than themselves. They must be set free from the inner landscape.

A little savagery in my outer life and just a little sugar on my self-talk, self-care, self love. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Balance. Why stand on one leg when you can stand on two?

Well darlings, it seems to me that standing on one leg is taking a chance that we are greater than the sum of our parts, greater than what we can see and sometimes, we need to take a chance to be swept up in something that we might never feel otherwise, without a little bit of ferocity and unruliness.

Talk soon,

B-

 

Words left unsaid… art.

In case you ever needed to know …

 

What’s left unsaid is something like this:

 

You are absolutely incredible.

If you could only see what you bring to this world you would never hesitate to give yourself all of the best things that life has to offer.

Whatever you feel is perfectly okay. So let yourself feel it because it is you.

If you don’t want it to be you, I think you still have to feel it anyway because then you can let it go.

Sometimes when I think about you and how you carry yourself through life, tears come to my eyes.

Whenever we part ways I look back and wonder if I treated you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

Because you deserve the world.

Abundance is your birthright.

Creation is your birthright.

You were born to be exactly who you are. Let that be enough.

To me, it is more than enough, it is stellar.

The winter is long, but the darkness comes regardless of the season.

So when that darkness comes, just remember that what’s left unsaid is something like this:

Your light shines as brightly as the brightest stars in the brightest universe.

No matter how many layers of dust surround it, or perhaps the lampshades or curtains covering it, that light of yours shines brightly regardless.

Though it may be covered by the layers of conditioned life, that really is all it is, just a covering.

Nothing can turn the light switch off without your permission.

So I hope that you remember this always – even when I’m not able to remind you …

Your light is worthy of the sun, moon and stars combined.

Your spirit the essence of pure anglicism.

Your being the embodiment of creation and energy.

 

Your humanity is ethereal.

Look in the mirror and like what you see because what is left unsaid is… art.

YOU are a work of art.

Always remember that in faith and love.

I hope that you know I wish you the best always and I think nothing less than the world of you.

 

Sometimes you just need to read the words that are left unsaid. Here they are for whenever you need them.

 

Sending you a big tight hug, always.

 

Love,

B-