The moon cycles are so interesting. They are so powerful and I really feel like they affect me a lot. Actually I know they do. Yesterday’s new moon has got me EXHAUSTED. This whole week has been filled with random crying just like… crying about things that happened years ago. And whenever I have silent time my mind is filled with floating thoughts of events passed. It’s wild to think about all of these things again because I haven’t in so long. They have come back. But actually what I feel they have done… looking back on it anyway… is that they have always been there and they have come to say hello/goodbye now. Some things happen in life and we just don’t get closure. We don’t process them for whatever reason.
Well me anyway. I always have to remind myself to just talk about me. Because I know me (most of the time haha!). Anyway I really feel like in my early life – especially childhood and teenage years, I just kept on going no matter what. Pushed through everything and kept plugging away. But as I was doing that there were scars that were forming and wounds that were left slightly unhealed because my attention was elsewhere.
I remember reading recently that your greatest asset is your attention. I really really like that. I really like that. There is something so true about it. Knowing where my attention goes – not only being aware of it but directing it, is my greatest power that I have to participate in my life. I was going to write to control where my life goes. But I just don’t believe that we control where our lives go anymore.
I think I used to think that. Growing up I remember always thinking that I had to make sure that my life was a certain way and the responsibility felt on me to make my life happen. But now I know that my life is all around me and especially inside of me. It is happening whether I participate or not. So when I read that my attention is my greatest asset I just thought.. wow. I love that.
But what I do so myself sometimes is this I realize or learn something new and then I immediately am flooded with guilt/anger/shaming about all of the time that has passed that I hadn’t known or realized this thing.
In the process of learning about my attention however… it happened a little differently. I started to think about all of the things that have happened in my life where I have been hurt, both emotionally, physically and on a spiritual/soul level. They started to say hello. And in this process of introducing/re-introducing themselves to me I felt a lot more than the typical guilt/anger/shame. I am realizing now that it is because I actually paid attention to what was coming through.
I have been upset over something that happened to me just over 5 years ago. In the background I have been upset about it and my body has been traumatized by it and it has been given no attention. This week I had a lot of attention to spend on this particular thing because it came back to me so strongly.
You know when you realize that fear is holding you back from something? Well when I realized that in this particular instance, I also realized that my way of coping was to try and do anything else that I could to make myself feel good. Anything else but pay attention to the pain and the hurt and also to the actual matter and if there was anything I can still do about it.
This time I feel a bit different. This time I am grateful for that realization and for placing my attention where it was being lead.
It’s such a tricky thing with the mind. Because it’s hard to know where the thoughts are coming from and so which to pay attention to and which to let float by. This week though, I paid attention and honestly I feel so FLIPPING relieved that maybe I am starting to figure out how to listen that voice inside my belly.
I imagine my soul as a big yellow globe; fiery and gaseous and rich with particles of light. It resides in my solar plexus. There is a voice box there. That is the voice I want to listen to. When those words reach my brain I must listen.
Something like this. Working on it though.
See that flag up there – my soul was awakened when I landed on the Emerald Isle over 6 years ago for the first time. Something in me, that voice that comes from my yellow fiery, gaseous, rich, soul particles reminded me that I am home. In a past life I lived there. That’s maybe what I think of it now.
Either way the feeling I have being over in Ireland is like no other. Yesterday was a big day. The new moon, on a holiday to celebrate my soul home’s heritage, reminded me that belonging is defined by what’s within you. Not what falls outside of everything that you have inside. The moon was healing. My soul is speaking and my wounds are closing up. Slowly but surely.
This year man… it has been crazy for me. I wonder how it has been for other people. But I have a feeling that we all have a little bit of something similar going on inside. The particles between us all must be related in some way.