Visiting. Coming. Going. Staying. Leaving.

I flossed my teeth this morning. It was very painful and my gums were bleeding quite a bit. A while back, I made a really good habit of flossing daily. It was something I did for myself and it really made a difference to my daily life believe it or not.

Somewhere along the line I stopped. I stopped doing that for myself. But today on the 5th of July I started again. This day is significant in my life believe it or not – I didn’t realize it until I looked at my Facebook memories. A year ago today I moved out of my house and into the house I live in now. Five years ago today a very special person in my life booked flights to visit me and what followed changed my life significantly. And in the present moment today is my last full day home before I head back to Ireland.

It’s a funny feeling, feeling like a visitor in my homeplace. I was thinking about it in my half sleep this morning – that phrase – home is where your heart is. And just reflecting on my journey over the past 4/5 years since Ireland has become a part of my life.

My heart was always in Jersey. Until I discovered Ireland and my spirit soul felt free and light. Being in Ireland allowed me to connect more deeply with the deepest parts of who I am. And since then I have felt my heart was there. So that’s the funny thing – home is where the heart is – my heart and home were in Jersey and then my heart and subsequently my home were in Ireland and this morning it hit me – my heart is in me. So my home should be where my heart is – and I should be able to feel at home in myself.

I don’t. And so because of that I am in a predicament where I feel like a visitor everywhere. And a native nowhere. I spoke out loud this morning a desire for everyone who I love to just know exactly how much I love them. Because it overwhelms me on a daily basis and this is why I find it so hard to come and go. So this is to all of my special friends and family who I know and love:

I wish that you could know, how your being gives me purpose. I wish you could feel the love that I have in my heart and gratitude for your existence that I feel every single day. I wish that I had a million hours in the day to spend with you, talking with you and laughing with you, reminiscing with you and pondering life with you.

Know that I want the absolute best for you and that I want to be able to be a part of your life, in any way that is meaningful to both you and I. Know that I am absolutely terrified of ever losing you, disappointing you or hurting your feelings. And please know that I think the world of you and I appreciate and acknowledge both the life you have lived and are creating for yourself.

I wish peace and joy for you, always.

Why am I writing this? Well because I feel like I have to so that I can let go. Let go of the responsibility, guilt and torture. I am torturing myself and wrecked with guilt every day, hurting deeply every day over things. Coming back home to these feelings is very hard. Leaving before I’ve dealt with them properly is even harder. And staying this whole time while feeling this way has been slightly torturous.

I love being home. I love seeing my family and friends. So so so very much. But I am facing a terrible storm inside every time I am home. And it’s so hard to acknowledge it because it makes me feel like I don’t belong. It makes me feel unloved and uncared for.

It reveals to me how I feel about myself. I don’t feel this way when I am in Ireland. I am never embarrassed of who I am over there or afraid to act how I want to act in case it might make someone else feel uncomfortable. So to come home and feel these things reveals deep revelations to me about my humanity.

The truth is that I am hurting so much to leave this place that I have called home for so long, with these people who I love so much. But I am also hurting to realize that I am not looking forward to the time alone that is upcoming for me. The time apart from the people who have been so invested in me has been such a blessing for me. But now as I return to that I am realizing that I still have yet to fully learn how to use that to become more invested in myself. That is my missing link. That is what leaves me feeling unloved, uncared for and scared to be on my own. It also leaves me scared to return because I don’t want to fall back into the patterns of using my beautiful network to fill the void.

I also have to say some things to some people that I am afraid to say. I am so afraid to speak my mind. Where did this come from? I just don’t know. But holding it in is hurting me. And avoiding these conversations is hurting my relationships. Having this hanging around right before my departure to the Emerald Isle is distressing to me. So perhaps I can find a way to say them here. To some family members I need to say – I wish that you could see how much I am hurting over the new realities and the old wounds uncovered. Because of this I pray on my own for peace in my heart and life but also can’t help but have a desire for things to change for the better. But in truth I am suffering greatly and I hope that you do not take any offense to this because I need a bit of space now. I hope that when I return that we can discuss the things that are important to me without pressure and most importantly with enough time for me to stick around to continue the conversation and for us to work through the consequences together. 

These days I just find my mind to be filled with so many thoughts and plans and schemes in order to fit everything in. I feel so much pressure and then I feel good about myself when I have managed to fit it all in. But the truth is I am longing for the life with balance. Balance with time for me and time for you (all the special yous in my life) and time for making spontaneous decisions and running with the day. It is neither here (Jersey) nor there anymore (Ireland).

This realization hits me deeply. And hard. But letting it go here lightens my load slightly. I follow a spiritual mentor who pulls Angel Cards daily and shares them on Instagram. This morning the card was Meditation. Yesterday the card was Author. There is a message for me that has to do with writing, and with making quiet time to listen to messages that are being sent.

So this morning/afternoon I tried to listen. And all of this was ready to come out. Thank goodness to be honest because it feels so hard to hold all the hurt inside. Lighter. A bit lighter now.

B-

A declaration

I want to live my truth.

I want to do what I say I am going to do – to be accountable.

I want to be with my own company in peace.

It hit me today … that none of us actually know just how far and wide our light shines really. We walk around on this Earth, doing our best (hopefully) not even knowing how we may have affected someone’s day, moment… life.

Today I had a moment of realization and while dancing I imagined myself with this bright yellow light coming from the center of my belly. It feels like this light needs to be pure if I can ever do justice to those who cross paths with its rays, ya know?

So I just feel I need to declare my gratitude and my commitment to continuing to be true and to living my truth. I find the days difficult sometimes, but the opportunity to talk about experience and being-ness with others offers me a chance to clarify what I know. Through sharing I come to know myself.

Through sharing today I realized that I will never truly know how far my essence travels, so I better make sure, just in case it ends up somewhere where it’s really needed, that it is purely me. And not a hidden version of me or an afraid version of B.

Working on it anyway. For a gal (me) who is constantly questioning why I’m here and what the point of all of this is… it’s really nice to be reminded that what I project reaches farther out than I could ever imagine. And so for that… I declare that I intend to project purely and with integrity.

And for you, who is reading this, I hope you know that every single one of us makes a bigger ripple in the waves than we could ever imagine. So if you can trust in that… what kind of an affect do you want to have? Be that effect.

Talk soon

B-

These days

See that up there ^^? She would never admit it, but she was petrified of looking the way she was feeling at the time… like sh*t.

April 2014… I had just started dancing again after 13.5 months off. I ruptured my achilles… got operated on… and began the long long long road to recovery. Well when I heard the snap of my tendon… along with that went my confidence in myself, my identity, and almost all of my pride.

My goodness, I used to think… I don’t want to be here anymore. What am I going to do if I can’t dance? Who am I without dancing? For months I fought with myself through sleepless nights, pointless days (they felt pointless anyway) and conversations with myself just continuously asking myself… what is the point?

It was a very low time for me, but after those 13.5 months – when the opportunity arose for me to do a photoshoot on the beach with a very talented photographer (Sasha M Photography), I felt brave enough – for the first time in over a year.

That day the beach was very cold. It was extremely windy and my legs and toes were numb from being bare. Something about that numbness though… reminded me of times past and comforted me in a way … because I knew that with my hopping around on the beach that day… those times had definitely passed.

If it wasn’t for my girlfriend at the time, I don’t know if I would have been able to get through the lowest point on that journey. I am thankful everyday for her presence in my life, especially at that time.

That time, too, has passed. Life has lead us our separate ways and what I am left with now, being on my own, is the residue of years of not loving myself enough. Not being able to see the girl in that photo for who she actually is.

There is so much power in accepting yourself unconditionally. When I look at that photo, I want to hug that beautiful, powerful, inspiring woman so tight. I want to squeeze her and I want to remind her that she is so human and so real and the essence of herself is an excellent addition to what already exists in this world.

From experience, it seems that the last thing we want to do is see ourselves… you know… really see ourselves. And I’ve seen people put themselves through a serious amount of (legal) torture before they would simply accept their feelings, their situation, their abilities or simply what they see when they look in the mirror. I’m guilty. Are you?

Let’s just stop that now, okay? Just remember … it only takes two arms to give a good hug… and most of us are lucky enough to have two arms… isn’t that funny?! Hug yourself.

Speak your truth. Live your life from the inside out because what you have inside is too beautiful and too YOUnique not to share.

 

Inspired by: #worldmentalhealthday #internationaldayofthegirl #nationalcomingoutday

The timing of things.

What I want you to know is this:

1. There has never been a safer time in history to share your soul’s voice than right now. And every time you share your soul’s voice, you not only make it easier for you, you also encourage someone else to do the same.

2. If you are in a spiritual closet right now or just holding back the bigness of your message due to fear, I pray that you will find the courage to breathe through the uncomfortableness and share what is inside of you. When one woman rises, she makes the path that much brighter for She.

Thank you Rebecca Campbell.

I recently did a photoshoot in the rain. I recently got out of a 3.5 year-long relationship. I recently completed my Masters in Dance Performance. I recently learned how to play the piano.

I finally moved the keyboard into my room so I could practice. I finally accepted the truth about how I felt about being single. I finally started choreographing again. I finally started putting myself out there more.

I am now learning to play an 18-page long piano piece. I am teaching, sharing what I have learned with people of all ages. I am spending more time with myself and with my friends. I am getting excited about my creative projects and aspirations. I am writing a song!

After being in bed for the past two days, hibernating, I am accepting my times of low energy because I know now that I recently, finally, and am doing my best at any given time.

We have to accept the timing of things in life, don’t we?

Sometimes I can feel you…

I want to comment on the transformative power of relationships and human experiences. This feels important. I have regular calls with my spiritual mentor. She records them for me and then I am able to listen to them over and over again whenever I want. I have been listening to the most recent one very often lately (nearly everyday, sometimes multiple times a day) and yesterday I picked up on something. We discussed experiences and how what we go through on one level… is still existent on another level. Here is my thought – rephrased in a sense from this call:

The essence of experience at the soul level is never lost.

That, to me, was a thought worthy of acknowledgement. Lately I’ve been practicing being present more in the space between two thoughts; thanks to a good friend, who suggested a short video to me which introduced this perspective into my life.

But this thought… is just so relevant to me at this point in my life. Some very important relationships in my life are transforming. Some would say they are lost. But I know they aren’t. Because I can feel you. I can still feel you. And I can still see you when I want to and I can still send you all of the love and energy that you are deserving of.

So if you ever feel like you can feel me, trust it. Because I can feel you too and I know now that it’s because our experience at the soul level has an essence. And that essence is something so beautiful and comforting and it keeps me company.

And if you feel like this is about you. It’s because it is. Don’t let it hurt too much. I’m trying not to. Let’s just keep being brave.

Talk soon

B-

 

I allow myself to trust in life

I have a morning routine. Do you?

I don’t know if I’ve always had one… I suppose I have but this one that I’ve been into lately is a purposeful morning routine. Every morning when I open my eyes I stick on some sort of guided meditation. I love it. I take 10-20 minutes in the morning to just allow myself to be and to listen to what is being said, repeat a mantra, ponder a centering thought. Whatever it is I just go with it and then at the end of it I feel ready to get out of my bed and continue to live the day.

This morning’s meditation was one lead by my Spiritual Mentor, talking me through raising my frequency in life. I’ve listened to this one a few times in the past week actually because I really enjoy where it takes me and I particularly enjoy how I feel afterwards throughout my day. Today a couple of lines stuck out to me and I’ve been thinking about them since.

I allow myself to let go and trust in life. I allow myself to let go and trust in myself.

These lines radiated through me today. And for whatever reason, stuck with me enough to remember them. At the time when I heard them I felt an instant sense of huge relief. It was like I was actually allowing myself to let go of everything before and after this moment and just be present. It was so relaxing to feel that and to be okay with where I am at. This feeling usually carries with me throughout the day but today the moment was only fleeting.

I finished my last week of classes for the MA this week. That is huge. I can’t believe I will no longer be attending regular classes in the studios at UL. I was immediately flooded with emotions and still find myself trying to comprehend the shift that is about to take place in my life. Cue the serious sense of overwhelm…

SO this is where I find myself wishing I could go back to that moment this morning where I felt completely relieved in the fact that I was allowing myself to let go and trust myself and trust life.

Naturally since I have been bothered by this all morning/afternoon, I haven’t been able to start my work (which is piling up… #overwhelm). And naaattturallly… I had a thought about this. So I had to write. Writing is the only thing that feels right 24/7 to me. Regardless of what is going on in my life or where I am/what I am doing… I can always write and I will always make time to write. It feels good for my soul.

Here is the thought:

Allowing is harder than doing. But allowing is what leads to trusting life and ourselves.

Allowing is like… conscious non-doing. We need more of this. If you think about it… when you allow something to happen there is a bit of a sense of fear/risk, unknowing, chancing, also excitement and a bit of relief. To say the least lol. It’s like letting go of the control of trying to do the thing. So why don’t we all stop trying to do the thing and allow things to happen. So I am consciously choosing to allow myself to trust in life. I am sitting here writing because I am aware that how I feel when I am doing this is much better than how I feel doing anything else. Therefore… I am allowing myself to trust that this is what feels right.

Choose to allow.

Choose to allow yourself to trust.

Choose to allow yourself to trust yourself.

Choose to allow yourself to trust yourself and to trust life.

I’m afraid that it might actually be that simple. Annoyingggggg. But it actually might be! Avoid disappointment and allow.

I know life gets in the way and it feels like we have all these things we have to do and need to do and want to do etc etc but whenever we can, let’s choose to allow life to take us to where we probably need to be in that moment.

Try it and let me know how it goes! I’ve decided to do it today when I can. When I’m willing to take the risk and allow. Oh also if you want to try some guided meditations here are a few!

Happy Saturday

Talk soon-

B-

PS. Photo credit goes to the lovely Karen Goltz, a fellow UL colleague and very talented photographer

Fill up your own cup.

I read this line earlier – ‘mornings are about renewal.’ WELL. It’s like that line was written right when I woke up this morning because for the first time in a while I had the morning to do whatever I wanted in that moment and it felt so great. I spent an hour and a half in the studio doing the things I wanted to do. Not just practicing, not working on my solo, just doing what I wanted to do. And I thought… now that is the way to live the day.

Happy lives are built on happy days.

Happy lives are built on happy DAYS. Happy moments even! I know I recently spoke about being present. But there is some next level shtuff happening now for me and it has to do with being present and making choices at the same time. I am choosing to do the things that light me up. To be around the people who light me up. To smell the flowers. Literally (thanks M&E you know who you are). I am choosing to actively build happy days by living happy moments.

Now… before we all get overwhelmed (and go into Bob the builder mode)… Can we do it? YES. We can. But the finesse of my thought here is this… avoid getting carried away. Do this by remaining truly truly present. Each moment goes by in the snap of a finger. So all you need to worry about is that moment. What can you do in THIS particular moment to build a happy day?

Look up. See the sun. Look out. Taste the rainbow. Pause. Take a breath. Hug a friend. Kiss a loved one. Scratch an itch for goodness sake! Whatever it is in this moment that lights you up, even the slightest bit, is the path to a happy life.

They always say – all we have is now. Have you heard that? Well listen its true. Corny but true. So right now. Now now now now … live a happy moment.

All of those moments will add up. And this is living.

Talk soon

B-

 

Writing when I feel bad.

Today feels really hard. Yesterday felt extremely hard. My parents sold my family home yesterday. I feel like the roots I had in this Earth have been uplifted without any closure. I’m not there, so what can I do? It feels surprisingly (yet also familiarly) lonely. I know I’m here, in Ireland, with a great life over here, but the biggest piece of my heart belongs with my family and I’m not there with them during this transition time in their lives. That is hard. And then there is me… I always forget about me.

But if I’m honest I am lonely and I am sad. So in the spirit of being true to me I come here to share.

I like to share my thoughts. If it makes me think, then I think… maybe someone else might think about this too. So here I am, just thinking about what is really important in this life to me. I realized I’m at a point where I am not too sure anymore.

What is important in this crazy life? That seems too big a question to answer so I spent the afternoon taking it down a notch. What feels important to me today? It’s important to me to have space for a cup of tea. It’s important to me to rest my eyes when I feel tired. It’s important to me to have nice chats with people. It’s important to me to hug and be hugged. To laugh and make others laugh. To take the time for myself that I need.

Sometimes I think I get so caught up in the particulars of life that I lose sight of the perspective, the big picture. So I’ve decided to shift my perspective. To get caught up again in the particulars of what’s important to me, for me to just be me.

So here’s the thought: What space can we carve out in our days to do things for ourselves? If you had the space, what would you do? What does space mean to you versus time?

That cup of tea is calling … loud and clear. Saying MAKE SPACE FOR ME PLEASE. I much prefer to use the word space because you see… my relationship with time is linear and filled with panic at times. So many of us seem to be constantly rushing to get things done as quickly as possible because apparently we are all running out of time. What does that even mean? Let it go and let’s all make space for the things we love to do eh?

Think about how bit OUTERSPACE is! Surely if space extends far faraway, beyond our wildest imaginations, there’s got to be a little bit in it for you and what you want/need to be your best self right? Right.

Talk soon,

B-

 

 

How about just be who you are?

How the heck do we do that eh? Well I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trying not to think ahaha! And it has cleared up a few things for me. I have spent so much time getting caught up in what I want to be or how I should be. You know that feeling? The feeling of putting that pressure on yourself to

“eat less carbs”, “be more polite” “be a positive person” “get a degree so you can get a job” “keep your head down and accept it” “dye your hair so you can look younger” “keep your thoughts to yourself so you seem happy”

BLAH. Blahblahblah. When you read those don’t they just seem so … forced?

So don’t force it. Be who you are. Just Be.Who.You.Are. Release the judgements, honestly. Just live. And be. Acknowledge and notice what you like, who you like, how you are and what you are doing. And let them BE.

For the past 9 days I have been participating in this 30 Day Love Yourself Challenge – I don’t know what it’s actually called ahah but that is what I’m calling it. Basically you keep a stack of post its next to your bed and every morning when you wake up – you write something nice about yourself- something that you like about yourself or something about who you are that makes you proud.

DO THIS. And trust what you write. That is who you are. Put them in places where you can see them. Read them and believe them for goodness sake. Because THAT IS WHO YOU ARE. Be brave. Have the nerve.

So just be who you are because that person is probably pretty great.

That person is probably a really good cook, or a really great friend, a talented dancer or singer, a creative person, a loyal companion, a great conversationalist, a very intelligent person, a great writer, an amazing athlete, a beautiful soul… A real live person who can only be who you are.

Trust.

Talk soon,

B-

The Story Of My Life

Everyone has to fight to be with the one they love, there is no need to make it a legal battle as well. – If you are in Ireland VOTE YES on May 22nd –

WhatIdidforLove_HQ2

And so it begins, the tale of the experience that changed my life. I’ve had to work my buns off and the stress (in the form of grey hairs) is real. BUT I’ve become a better communicator, leader and dancer through the process. Everyone learns differently ya know? I learn the hard way. So I’ll share my story with you in hopes that you can learn through me and you might be better off when you get to your epiphany project- the project that turns things around for you. Welcome to the Epiphany Project- the Story of my Life.

WhatIdidforLove_HQ1

That’s the book I’d write if I could right now. It would be a memoir type of book. And it would be about how much I’ve learned throughout the process of being involved in a dance video entitled ‘What I did for Love’. This video uses movement via dancing to tell a story about love and relationships. The piece makes a statement about equality- a strong one- and it turns out that we are able to do our part in this year’s Marriage Referendum in Ireland because of it! I just don’t even know how to express how I feel. I can’t watch the video on my own because I just sit there and cry. It is so real and it is so relatable. I beam with pride at what we have accomplished as a group and I just want to share it with everyone!

So please… Watch What I did for Love’  and share if you LOVE it =)

__________________________________________________________________________________________

This is my idea of motion, inspired by the Daily Post.